


Something You Pine For

by robertstanion



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Swearing, alice has a really important part, context from the musical, kisses oml, mental breakdowns?? yeah they're here, need to cry?? book for you, paul and alice are babies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2019-10-28 13:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 48
Words: 83,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17787896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: "If those things get you they'll turn you into one of them and make them do everything you hate! So don't you let 'em." Emma Perkins said, a serious expression plastered against her face. "Don't worry, Emma." Paul smiled back then. He is in the moment. Her words plastered against his brain. "I DON'T LIKE MUSICALS!" Paul shouted, throwing the grenade at the meteor. He had to survive. He had to survive...-ALL RIGHTS BELONG TO STARKID!-In other words you sad? read this book.-https://robertstanion.tumblr.com/post/188191492237/i-made-this-for-my-book-that-i-love





	1. I Don't Like Musicals

**Author's Note:**

> TAKES PLACE DURING LET IT OUT/INEVITABLE I'M SO EXCITED TO WRITE THIS OML  
> The 30 year old English teacher is screaming at the use of short sentences in the first paragraph I warn you I'm crying over sentence structure.  
> I also apologise for my use of memes somewhere in this chapter, I spend too much time on TikTok  
> Also for the purpose of this fanfiction, Bill had Alice when he was 20 :) and Alice is 15 in this fanfiction :) for unforseen reasons :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> REWRITTEN*****  
> anyways so Mr Davidson was called Mr Anderson for far too long because I forgot his name when I wrote the chapter-

A young man, around 30, approached the old Starlight Theatre in Hatchetfield New York City. This would have been another chance to go to a theatre and change his opinion on musicals, but now was a life and death situation. With a rifle against his back and grenades attached to his back, Paul gritted his teeth. "For Emma." He told himself. Emma Perkins was a barista who worked at the local coffee shop Beanies a few blocks away from the office block Paul worked in. She was a slender, petite girl with fairly short brunette hair that was usually worn in a bun. For now, Emma was back at the professor's lab in her barista uniform minus the disgusting green apron so she just wore her white button-up shirt, her black shorts and her black flats. Emma was the only reason Paul would fight these bastards or else. And that also might mean sacrificing his life. Paul pushed the door open and was hit with a stench of something that smelled like lemons, windex and mint. Nobody was there. He was alone. A sigh of relief escaped Paul's partially parted lips. "We've been waiting for you, Paul." The taller man tensed up. The atmosphere had changed as quick as it takes for someone to flip a light switch. With one hand on the rifle, he turned around to face his best friend. Bill. Bill was not only his colleague but they'd basically known each other their entire life and he got killed by his own  _daughter._ Paul realised this was going to be a hella lot more difficult than he previously thought. "Watch out Paul, he might kick your head!" Ted, his other colleague said. "BACK OFF! ALL OF YOU!" Paul screeched to the zombified corpses of people he once knew. "Why should we, Paul? You've got troubles buried deep in your soul. And we wanna hear about it..." His boss, Mister Davidson, said and almost on cue, music began to play from nowhere. The meteor. The music was coming from the meteor. "What's in your soul, is your heart too damn bleak that you won't give us a peak of your soul?" His blonde hair, matted, and his red rimmed glasses fell further down his face. "Just let it out!" Paul spun around to see his other colleague, Charlotte, guts now blue still spilling out of her exposed stomach, behind him. "There's a voice inside of you on the edge of coming through what's it about?" She continued to sing. She had an angelic voice, if only it was true..."And we know it's a singular voice, Paul." Professor Hidgens. What was he doing here? He was supposed to be with Emma and Ted-. The realisation set in. Ted was here. Ted was dead.  _WHAT HAD HE DONE?!_ "You've just got to give up your choice!" The zombies began to come closer to Paul and Paul leant against the meteor. At first touch, it was surprisingly warm, but in reality, it's freezing solid. "Just let it out!" They sang over and over again.  _Think quick Paul!_ The man said, looking at people he once knew. Emma's boss, Bill, Ted, Charlotte, his boss! Professor Hidgens, Greenpeace Girl, Hot chocolate boy, Deb and  _Alice._

* * *

_FLASHBACK:_

_Paul was only 19 when Bill came into his room shook. He sat on the maroon leather couch the two had in their shared apartment at the time and looked at Paul, who was sitting on the bar stool against the kitchen counter. "Paul, I'm going to be a dad!" Bill said, sweat glistening against his forehead. Paul coughed in surprise and managed not to choke on the vodka he was currently chugging because hey fuck it finals are hard enough. "A fucking dad! Your only 20?" Paul continued to drink the vodka as he approached his confused friend. "Yeah, she's 5 months. She just didn't want to tell me. A little girl. We've agreed on a name. Alice Rose Mariah Smith." Paul smiled._

_"That's a gorgeous name, Ted."_

_"WE WANT YOU TO BE HER GODFATHER-!" Bill accidentally blurted out. Paul, now heavily drunk, gave a weak finger guns and passed out. He doesn't recall this conversation, but Bill did and reminded him of it many times._

 

_Alice was now 14 and knew she was a lesbian. She didn't want to tell any of her parents. She was scared they'd hate her. Her mother certainly did when she died her hair red for a period of time. And with the divorce, it made things harder. She'd do anything to live with her father full time! Anything! Anything... She picked up her phone and rang her godfather, Paul._

_At work, Paul's phone rang. Bill had gone to the bathroom for a while so didn't know it was Alice. "Hello this is Paul here at *said office* how may I make your aquaintance?"_

_"Hey, Paul it's Alice I need to ask you a favour. Can you take me to see Moana. God that's so embarassing to say-"_

_"No...no it's fine! I'll take you. I'll see if I can get tickets for tonight." Alice smiled behind the phone._

_"Thanks Uncle Paul, love you!" And she hung up the phone. During the movie, Alice held on to her godfather's hand and at the end of the movie, after she cried several times after Moana losing her grandmother, she sat on the fountain outside of the theatre. "Hey, Paul...umm. I need to tell you something but don't tell dad!"_

_"Of course." Paul smiled, taking a sip of water which was secretly vodka._

_"I...I think I'm a lesbian? And I'm scared to tell dad in case he hates me like how mom hated me that one time I dyed my hair and in reality, I just want to live with dad but the fucking court have made me live with mom pretty much all the time meaning I won't get to see you and-" Alice could feel herself cry but she felt comfortable around Paul to cry._

_"Hey! Hey Alice, it'll be okay. If it ever gets too hard at your mom's, just message me. Put me as an emergency contact so I can be your friend coming to pick you up to take you on an outing. I'll get you out of there. And if you're a lesbian, I don't fucking care who's in your bed!"_

* * *

"NEVER!" Paul sang in a high pitched nasally voice. This was why Paul got an A* in Drama when he took it for finals. Paul's actual singing voice is anything but nasally. He was going to make up lyrics against the meteor which had starting oozing with blue goop. "You let it out." Greenpeace girl smiled as if she'd unlocked a new level on a game, but more sinister. "Was that a note? Or just a sound. Am I finally coming round to a random scheme? Just stop it!" Stop Paul's ability to faking this fucking voice, yes please! He'd sing for Emma any day, he's sang for Alice. He wants his second family back. Time passed and the zombies were clinging on to Paul's arms and legs. "I DON'T LIKE FUCKING MUSICALS!" He shouted throwing the grenade into the meteor. There was a very large explosion and he was sent flying backwards. Someone had gotten a hold of his rifle. "For fucks sake..." Paul muttered under his breathe, but when he looked, he noticed Alice, eyes a large, posture poised, aiming a gun perfectly well. "Paul...I'm scared..." She whispered. Paul grabbed his goddaughter's arm and took off. He found the nearest empty car, fully aware they were being followed by the zombies, and strapped Alice in. "Alice drop the gun." Paul ordered, trying to get the car in. 

"I'm going to shoot them all!" She said, voice quivering, 

"Alice listen to me! Drop the gun, okay? How have you managed to survive so long?" He asked. 

"I just sang...I followed the beat of the meteor. I've been trying to find you and when you didn't notice I was perfectly healthy at the school, I knew something else was going on. I didn't want to kill dad, Paul. Paul please believe me!" Alice sobbed. "The meteor made me do it, the pulse took over my body, I shot my own father. I've been on the run ever since. I've been so scared and your here and...." Paul pulled Alice in to a tight hug and began to drive one handed. "When your with me I'm not letting anything happen to you. We need to keep faking everything at the minute. But we need to go and get a certain someone, a certain girl."

"You got a girlfriend, Uncle Paul?" Alice smiled. 

"Not the time! Anyways her name's Emma and she's the barista from Beanies who refused to sing."

"I remember her! She always gave me a free brownie." Alice smiled. 

* * *

_ Meanwhile in Clivesdale:_

"Kelly, you need to calm down. A Mister Ben Bridges is waiting for you outside."

"Huh? I don't know a Ben Bridges."

"Apparently you do, some say it may have become something more." And she walked out. As she left, Paul entered. Emma stood up too quickly, her bandaged leg throbbing under pressure. But it didn't matter! Paul was here. She hobbled over to him and hugged him so tightly she could have killed him easy. "Paul! We made it! We did it! Okay we need to..." But the music had started again. She could feel her face drain as she looked into Paul's narrowed eyes. "Emma I'm sorry you lost..."


	2. 5 Oclock Cant Come Soon Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yall I got a fucken Alexa  
> -  
> shit this is the chapter summary  
> -  
> a hella lot of angst and emma cries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> pure innocent bean Emma Perkins is broken and starts crying.  
> :  
> UPDATE (31/08/19)**** Chapter 2 Entirely Rewritten  
> i'm crying because of the sibilance used in an area (a small smile stretched) Sorry I'm an English nerd :))

 

"Kelly, please calm down." Colonel Schaffer frantically attempting to calm the girl down. But Kelly knew deep down who she truly was. Emma Perkins. The only survivor of the Hatchetfield Apotheosis, and again she was alone, after getting her hopes up with one guy who cared for her, and he was dead. Emma hated being confined in this stupid hospital. As soon as the helicopter started hurtling downwards, she instantly regretted not wearing a seat belt, but it was too late for pitying herself when her leg was healing. "Listen, there's a Mr Ben Bridges waiting outside to escort you to Colorado." Emma broke free of the Colonel's grasp and looked at her, fire in  her eyes that settled at the mention of Colorado. 

"Huh? I don't know a Ben Bridges." Emma told the Colonel, perplexed by the name. The name seemed mildly familiar, maybe it was one of her mutuals from high school that she'd long forgotten about. 

"Well, according to PEIP's sources you were very good friends. We would like to say it became something more." And without another word, Schaffer left, leaving Emma alone. Emma shook her head, smirking as she looked towards the floor. She heard the door reopen and looked up. "Paul?" She asked, her eyes now full of an incredible amount of hope. He smiled.  _Paul._ "Paul! We made it. We made it we-" but he didn't seem to focus on her. He seemed focused on something else. She felt all colour drain from her face as she looked up into Paul's narrowed eyes. 

"Emma, I'm sorry you lost." He sang. He was gone. She should have expected it. Just the sight of him made her hopes fly high. But no. She couldn't have anything she wanted. Ever. Soon, Paul had guided her into a dance that would have been comforting if she knew it was the real him and not an alien that had invaded Paul's body. Soon, others began joining in the song and the dance and she was being tossed around the hospital. Everyone seemed to be a part of this inevitable kick-line. Everybody appeared to be there. Nora, Zoey, Sam, Charlotte, the sleazeball, Ted, the two girls she served at Beanie's who were Alice and Deb, Bill...and now Paul. When the song reached it's final high pitched note, gun shots spontaneously fired throughout the place. Emma, sensitive to the loud noise, ducked under a table and covered her ears out of pure fright. When she looked up, everyone was unconscious except for two people. Except for Paul and Alice. She hugged her knees underneath the table as the thoughts set in. Maybe she was dead too. 

"Emma?" Paul's soft voice asked. If only it was Paul. Her Paul. The Paul who had pined for her because she was a shitty barista. The guy she'd slowly fell in love with. Emma shook her head, shaking. She'd tried so long to fight off this breakdown, yet the tears began. For the first time since her sister died, she didn't fight the tears. She just let it happen. She let them out. She dared to not look up at Paul. This was all a lie. And she was too afraid of the consequences to notice the truth. "Hey..." Paul said as he got on his hands and knees and crawled under the table and sat beside her. He offered her his hand, to which he put on her shoulder, but flinched and pulled her body away. Realising how cramped it was under the table. he moved it behind them leaving Emma in the space. He looked to Alice. "Alice, do you mind pulling a few chairs up?" He asked his goddaughter. She nodded and carefully stepped over the currently unconscious bodies. He knelt in front of Emma. "Emma listen to me. Me and Alice had to act like one of them. To survive. I promise you, we aren't gone. We're still us. I'm still Paul Matthews. And you're still Emma Perkins. Look at my eyes." He said. Carefully, Emma's head raised from her knees and she looked into Paul's blue eyes. Soft, forgiving, true. The scraping of chairs behind them signified Alice had returned. 

"Sorry..." Emma sniffed. "Sorry I didn't believe you were still human my mind's all over the place." Paul pulled her into a gentle hug which was returned immediately afterwards. 

"It's okay." He whispered as he helped her on to a chair. He rubbed the back of his neck. "I um...I do not want to puke in your mouth to clarify, that's just gross." A small smile stretched on to Emma's face. 

"Yeah. It's pretty gross." A pause. "What happens now?" She asked innocently, looking up towards Paul. 

"Firstly, we get the hell away from here. Secondly, you have an apartment in Colorado arranged?" Emma nodded. "Then that's where we're heading. For now let's go back to my place and then we'll set off." Emma nodded. For once she felt safe in another stranger's presence. 

 

 


	3. True Colours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts at Paul's house. Be prepared, trigger warnings, anxiety attacks, vomit.

"Alice, doll, you know where your room is." Alice saluted. They'd destroyed the meteor leaving seemingless lifeless bodies on the floor. Emma's chest was beginning to tighten.  _God not now!_ Emma had suffered from anxiety since 2014, the year her sister died. It took a lot of courage for her to even take her driving test.  _8, 7, 4 we know this by now._ She breathed in for 8 seconds, held for 7 and exhaled for 4, but it didn't seem to be working. "Paul where's your bathroom?" She said as normally as possible.   
"Upstairs on the right." She gave a quick smile before getting up and running up the stairs even though her leg killed. On her way up, she furiously wiped away tears. She didn;t like being vulnerable, and these anxiety attacks she had made her exactly what she didn't want to be. She could feel her head lurch forward and her hand clasped over her mouth.  _Keep it down, Emma. We're stronger than this._ It was a fight with herself. She shut the door as quick as she could and she couldn't keep it down any longer. It wasn't her idea of fun either, but as she knelt beside the toilet, puking her guts up, she realised how much she needed her medication. She hadn't had it for a while. She was getting better. But every time she shut her eyes, she could see their faces, Charlotte's guts hanging out of her stomach, Sam's brain, the professor at the piano. The more she thought about it, the more she threw up and she  _couldn't figure out why._ Alice had her headphones in, but Paul didn't. Paul heard everything. He ran up the stairs and knocked softly on the door. "Emma, can I come in?" She shouted a quick yes. I guess she had to because she kept vomiting. He knelt down beside her and held on to her shoulders. "It's ok." He kept repeating. She then stopped and collapsed all at once. Collapsed on to Paul. Paul grabbed a towel from behind him and handed it to her. She took it gladly. "Paul I'm sorry..."  
"Emma, don't apologise. I know what's just happened. I know it was an anxiety attack you don't need to apologise..." She shook her head and buried herself into Paul. It was a lot more than an anxiety attack and they both knew it. He flushed the toilet and carried her into his bedroom. "Alice is using the spare bedroom..." He said. She nodded. She'd gone deathly pale. "When my sister died in 2014, that's when this all started. God, I'm 30 and I still suffer with anxiety?! It's unfair! Especially when I continuously vomit like that!" Paul wiped her tears away. "I used to suffer. I think I've still got my meds?" No. He still did suffer from anxiety and he knew it. And that's the reason he had the meds in the first place. Though his anxiety had cleared up yet Emma's had worsened. "I'll go and get them." Emma nodded and as Paul left, Alice walked in. 

"He really like you, ya know Emma." Alice smiled. Emma looked up at her. She thought best not to question it. Alice took her earphones out. "At the same time I announced my relationship with Deb 2 years ago was when he first started doting on you. Uncle Paul used to talk about the, oh shoot what was it um, 'the cute barista with the sparkling smile who gets pissed with people who order anything over $3, therefore I only order black coffee, which is $1, which I then tip $5 because she's adorable and she deserves it, and it's easy and-"  
"Alice Simmons." Paul had returned.   
"What! She deserves to know the truth seeing as you two seemingly already have a room!" She laughed before leaving. Paul sat next to her.   
"Can't deny what she just said, god it's embarassing but it's true." He handed her his medication. She wouldn't be talking for a while, instead she nodded. She pulled out her phone and texted a message. Coincidentally, Paul's phone buzzed signifying a notifification just after she sent it.  _I'll date you._ The text read. Emma smiled and so did Paul. "Are you okay now, Em?" He asked. She nodded.   
"I'll be okay if I'm with you." 


	4. Fluff.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much fluff omg-  
> And Emma cries in front of Paul.   
> TW:  
> Car crash  
> Death.

“Okay if you’re with me huh?” Paul asked, still comforting a very shaky Emma Perkins. 

“Y-Yeah sorry is that too cringey?” Paul laughed lightly and shook his head. 

“Of course it isn’t em. You need rest. And- shit it’s dark. Right you take my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch to-“

“Stay.” Emma said, reaching out her arm to clasp on to his bicep. “Please stay. I-“ she sighed. “I just need someone with me at the minute I-I suffer from nightmares a lot since the apotheosis and....it’s stupid.” Paul could feel himself melting. 

“It’s not stupid. Do you have other clothes?” She shook her head. He had the wise idea to throw her one of his old shirts. He began rummaging through his drawers and found an old one that wouldn’t fit him anymore, but would fit Emma. He walked back over to her. “Here. Wear this for tonight I’ll go and get things later. We’re in a midst apocalyptic Hatchetfield, we can rob the Walmart.” She smiled. 

“Oh-Paul wait I’m shaky and-“

“You want help?” A small blush growing on the two of their cheeks. She could only nod. “Just-“

“I won’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable, Emma. Okay?” She nodded again. He began to unbutton her shirt and he could hear her breathe shorten. “Alright. I’m gonna shut my eyes okay?” He said and Emma replied with a small 

“Yes.” 

Paul shut his eyes and gently slipped her arms out of the blouse. Emma removed her bra and put it underneath her bra, embarrassed for Paul to see. Together, using team work, they got the other shirt on to Emma. “Okay you can open your eyes.” She said to which Paul did. He gently moved her clothes off of the bed and on to the chair in the corner of the room. 

“Are you ready to go to sleep?” He asked. She nodded. “Hang tight, I need to get changed myself.” He said, picking some clothes up from his wardrobe and leaving to the bathroom. This gave Emma a chance to admire the room. Like the suit she’d met him in, the room consisted of a lot of browns, maroons and beiges. The room itself smelled a lot like old books, which she loved. The bed beneath her was surprisingly soft in a darkish brown colour. She didn’t expect much from Paul, but what Paul had was too much for her. She’d always been the type to have the bare minimum, and here she was, in a two bedroom house, and she felt like she couldn’t move in fear of breaking something.

* * *

 

Emma had always been less fortunate. With everything she’d done, because she was the younger sibling out of two, she was always expected too much. But everything she’d ever wanted was given to her older sister Jane. Jane had a family until an asshole hit her car, killing her instantly. Killing her instantly. Paul pretended to be dead. Killing her instantly. Paul could have killed her if he was actually dead. Killing her instantly. She almost died.

* * *

 

“Emma?” She snapped out of her trance, not realising she’d been crying. Paul was gently holding her hands as he was crouched in front of her. “Hey.” He smiled. 

“I’m sorry.” Was her first reaction. She’d be scolded for crying around her parents. She wouldn’t be surprised if Paul treated her the same. It was what she deserved. 

“No no no don’t be sorry. Do you want a hug?” He asked and she nodded. He gently pulled her into a hug and she let herself break down. He held her in a comforting way, her tiny figure shaking against his huge one. “Wanna talk about it.”

“No.” She said harshly. “Wait...no. No not yet. Probably until I know you better.” Was her final response. 

“Okay. Let’s get you in bed okay?” She nodded and wiped her tears with the sleeve on the shirt. It was like a dress on her. He helped her under the covers and she snuggled up to Paul. “You won’t find me attached to you in the morning,” was the first lie Emma Perkins told in their relationship. When he woke up, she was entangled in his arms and had no plans of letting go. He smiled. He’d got lucky. 


	5. Perfection In A Glass Frame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year passed from the last chapter to this chapter. They currently live in Clivesdale. Emma punches Paul at the end stay tuned.

It was Paul and Emma's one year anniversary, and it was on this day Emma accepted the fact she wanted to marry Paul. It was when she woke up and was heading to the bathroom to shower when she heard Paul in Alice's room. 

"You alright kid?" Paul asked. A sniff. She'd been crying.

"No..." She sighed admittedly. "It's...stupid but...but I miss Deb, and I miss dad and there isn't any way of bringing them back and mom's blaming me for dad's death and never wants to see me again and it's been a year and it's all just getting to me." Alice said, looking up at her godfather. 

"Kid, let me tell you something okay?" Paul said, moving closer to the teen and putting a hand on her shoulder. "Mourning...it takes a lot longer than you'd think. There are days where you just want to smile and laugh and kick death in the ass...but then there are days when you just want to cry and join the person you've lost because death kicks you in the ass. And you know what? That's okay. I miss your dad, I miss Charlotte, fuck I even mess Ted sometimes. I miss everyone I lost because of that disease. And guess what? We made it. We lost a lot of people that day, and we made it through. Me, you and Emma. And you know what?" He paused. 

"What?" Alice asked. 

"We're safe. We're the badass survivors of Hatchetfield's apotheosis disaster apocalypse thing." Alice smiled slightly, laughing lightly. "We made it out. And I swear to god Ally, if anyone dare hurt you, I'm your godfather it's my sworn duty to protect you and I will make sure they meet a more painful end than those experiencing apotheosis." Alice smiled wider. 

"Thanks, Uncle Paul."

"It's never a problem Alice. Now give me a hug." And Alice buried her head in Paul's chest as Paul wrapped his arms around her. Emma smiled and walked to the bathroom to shower. 

 

That was when she knew she wanted to marry him. When she saw the parental part of him pop out, the defensive side of him, how gentle yet protective he could be. 

That's all she'd ever wanted in a guy. And here he was. So why did she feel like she wasn't good enough? Emma tried to ignore the thought as she switched the water on and started to remove her clothes to shower. She always felt she wasn't good enough. Paul strongly disagreed. 

* * *

After a while, Alice pulled away from Paul and Paul paused. "Alice?" He asked her. 

"Mm?" Alice responded. 

"What would you think if I proposed to Emma?"

"When?"

"Preferably today." Alice beamed. 

"I think you two are perfect and you can make sure Emma gets all the love and comfort Emma deserves and then we can all be a family and you can get me another girlfriend-"

"Alright Alice be quiet about the girlfriend thing I'm working on it." The two smiled. "I'm gonna propose to Emma later tonight okay? Do you think you could photograph it?" Alice nodded. 

"With my polaroid?"

"With this." Paul handed Alice a new camera, to which she admired in awe. 

"Oh my god Uncle Paul! It's beautiful! Yes! I'll set it up and then I can take the pictures! Thank you!" She smiled at her godfather. 

"Take care, Alice." Paul smiled. He said. This was it. He got changed and grabbed the velvet ring box, slipping it in his pocket. He couldn't wait to marry this girl. 

* * *

Paul had told Alice where to go, so she left earlier to go "shopping." It was the day Emma chose to look as least-pretty as possible. To Paul, she looked pretty every day. His heart was racing as they approached the fountain, which was surprisingly empty. Emma knew something was up with Paul. "Paul are you cold?"

"N-no why?" Paul stammered. 

"You're shaking. And...you're hiding something. Paul what ya got?" Emma smirked. 

"Nothing..."

"Babe." Emma sighed. "I love you, but you're a shit liar. So what are you hiding?"

"A ring. A ring for you." Paul said, getting on one knee. Emma gasped. 

"I thought you were joking oh my god!" Emma smiled.

"Emma I-"

"Yes." Emma cut off Paul's speech. "Yes. I will marry you, Mr Matthews." Paul got up again and kissed Emma as Emma snatched the ring off of him. 

"You're perfect, you realise that?"

"Debatable." Emma huffed, admiring the ring. "But I love you, Paul." 

"I love you too, Emma Perkins."

"Emma Matthews."

"Not yet, love."

 


	6. Are You Calling Me A Liar?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma states the obvious unintentionally and then proceeds to ignore what she just says. Paul forces her to confirm what she just said repeatedly until she believes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Vomit.

"Urgh." Emma groaned as she hugged the toilet. Paul was at work, she wasn't. She hadn't been as successful in finding jobs during their time in Clivesdale, so Paul bought in all the money. Paul got home earlier than usual and saw an unpleasant sight in the bathroom. He never liked seeing anybody unwell, but when it was Emma it was certainly worse. He sighed and walked into the bathroom. "'M Paul get out I'm throwin' up here." Emma mumbled. 

"I'm not gonna leave you alone while you're ill." He sighed, getting down on his knees, besides her. 

"Paul get out please I don't like people seeing me weak."

"I'm not leaving." 

"Please."

"No."

"Babe, seriously, I love you, but I look disgusting and feel disgusting and just want to be left alone." 

"I know sweetheart, but just let me stay with you. Just this once?" Emma sighed. 

"Fine." Emma fumbled with something in her pocket. 

"What's that."

"Nothing important."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

* * *

It was important. It was all the positive pregnancy tests Emma had taken. And they were extremely scary to look at, and she didn't want Paul to notice that she was distressed because then he'd only get more worried and it would frustrate her and then they'd end up fighting again scaring Alice and it would overall be a massive mess. So she wouldn't tell Paul. Over the next few weeks, she only got worse when it came to morning sickness and Paul became more worried. 

"Emma come on you've gotten worse."

"I'm fine." She said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. 

"No. Please just tell me what's going on." He sighed. 

"Nothing's going on Paul!"

"That makes us both terrible liars..." He sighed. "So you've been having cravings often, you've been throwing up a lot and you're wearing many more of my hoodies, which often means you've been hiding something. "

"So?" She asked, tiredly. 

"Emma...I think you might be pregnant." Paul said, placing a hand on her back. 

"No, I thought I was pregnant but the tests were faulty."

"So did you try them again?"

"Another seventeen times."

"And?"

"Positive."

"So...you're pregnant?"

"No! Paul the tests were faulty!"

"How many different types did you take?"

"4 different brands."

"Emma..."

"I'm sorry okay! I-I should have told you when I first found out but I didn't want to acknowledge it myself because I'm scared I'm gonna fuck this kid up and die on my kids like Jane died on hers and-"

"You think you're gonna fuck up as a mother?" Emma nodded. "Well... I think you'll be an amazing mom. Alright? You're an amazing fiancee-"

"And that's a lie."

"No it isn't. If anyone's gonna be a bad parent it's me."

"Oh shut up Paul! I've seen you with Alice! There's no way in hell you're gonna be a bad parent!"

"I might be..."

"Babe. Sometimes you can come out with the most stupid bullshit in the world. And that's the worst I've heard. Okay? If we're gonna be shit parents then lets bullshit our way through this baby together." Paul smiled. 

"Okay."

"I also thought you were gonna be mad at me."

"For what?"

"We haven't spoken about kids properly before. I just...I don't know."

"I can put up with Miss Soon To Be Emma Matthews and her dreaded hormones. I've put up with you on your period before, why can't I put up with you when you're off it."

"Because...this is a baby. Half me, half you."

"And we'll face that problem when they're born. For now, we have each other and Alice and a wedding to plan." He kissed her cheek. "I love you, Em."

"I love you too Paul." 

 


	7. The Beginning Of The End, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma has a panic attack and punches Paul. Twice. It doesn’t end well. 
> 
> Back to make you suffer.

So there they were. A peaceful couple. Paul had managed to get Alice into a school in Clivesdale. And Paul and Emma were happy. Alice was happy. Everyone was happy. 

Until that phone call. 

“Hello?”

“Paul!” Alice panted over the phone, her back pressed against a wall. “Paul please come and get me please come and get me please-“

“Alice, Alice calm down. Alice.” Paul said, from his place. Emma looked up suspiciously. Alice? Why would Alice ring Paul. “What’s happened?”

“They’re all singing and dancing and...I killed a guy and his blood was blue and I have his blood on my hands and I’m scared Paul please-“

“I’m coming. Stay on the phone to me we both remember what happen last time. Emma, I’ll be back.” Paul said, grabbing the gun from the cabinet and leaving Emma alone. 

 

Immediately she turned on the news. 

 

“Clivesdale High Under quarantine. Gunshots heard from inside followed by an array of singing. Described by witnesses as a flashmob, we have a similar event to what happened in our sister city of Hatchetfield a few months ago. 

 

The apotheosis is a deadly historic event that has happened in just under a year. It started when a meteor crashed into the starlight theatre in downtown Hatchetfield, New York, destroying the building and killing the people inside it. Except those people killed weren’t killed. Witnesses who went to watch the production of Mamma Mia in that theatre described, before it was too late, the first victims as “mindless alien slaves” being controlled. They appeared to throw up blue slime and their blood and internal organs turned blue. 

 

Symptoms of being infected include:

Spontaneous singing and dancing 

Vomiting blue slime 

Bleeding blue blood from the mouth and nose 

 

Why does this happen? The alien pathogen originating from the meteor works it’s way into the victims bloodstream genetically reconstructing them from the inside out. We are unsure if the death is quick or not. There are three main ways the infected kill the innocent. 

 

  1. Puking in the victims mouth. This allows the blue slime they vomit combined with blood that contains the pathogen to enter your body directly and allows the pathogen to find your bloodstream instantly. 
  2. Coming into contact with the slime. If you touch the slime for too long, or hold on to it for a long period of time, the pathogen will be absorbed by your skin and force the pathogen into your blood 
  3. The infected killing you themselves. The favourite way, according to resources, of doing this is by forcing the spores down your throat through the air or by ripping your organs out and allowing the pathogens to enter that way. 



 

The slime is a sparkling, fluorescent glowing compound that kids may be attracted to. Do not let them touch it. Kids are more vulnerable. 

 

All flights off the island had been cancelled. Do not go outside. PIEP are on the case. 

 

I’ve been Rachel Adams, good luck.” 

 

And the broadcast ended. “No no no no no!” Emma begged collapsing on her knees in front of the TV. Alice could be dead. Paul could be dead. She gripped her stomach. Her last memory of Paul was what she was carrying. “No i can’t- he can’t- he can’t be gone!” She said, taking to herself. Her hand flew up to her chest as she found it more difficult to breathe. She was shaking. She couldn’t breathe. Paul usually comforted her through her panic attacks and he was out there. With them. Those...things. She couldn’t process it. He could die. Alice could die. Her family could die. She gasped for air as her chest got tighter at the thought. “P-Paul please...” she manage to gasp out but there wasn’t any point trying. She had to face the facts. Paul would die. And so would she. 

 

Paul kept the gun to his side deciding it was better to be safe than sorry. This was a matter of life and death. And he would avenge Bill. He had to save Alice. He hit the gas. Everything seemed normal. Until he approached the school. 

“Paul!” Alice sobbed over the phone. “Paul I can hear them! Where are you!”

“Okay, okay I’m here. I’m here uh....I’m at the main entrance.”

“I can’t get there! Paul!”

“Okay, where are you?” 

“By English...first floor.”

“Shit....do you...I see you against the window. Pink cardi?”

“Yeah that’s me.”

“Right. I’m coming.” He said, grabbing the gun. He left the car outside the school and strode up to the school. A familiar blue aura was found throughout the air and a gentle hum was also heard. He tensed up. Emma wouldn’t be stable when he went home. He carefully started approaching where Alice was, having to shoot the infected. They were only teenagers. When he got to the English corridor, he saw Alice quivering against the wall, a few students approaching her. “Hey! Assholes!” He shouted, drawing the infecteds attention to him. He hung up the phone and shot the few down. He quickly ran to Alice. “Come on ally we gotta go just run I’ve got you, you’re safe.” He said. She nodded, hardly processing the situation, and ran. Ran all the way out the school. Ran to Paul’s car. And Paul hit the gas and sped home. “Alice stay here. I’ll be down.” And Alice did as she was instructed. 

 

Emma heard the door open downstairs and was convinced it was PIEP coming to say they’d found Paul’s dead body. Paul and Alice....dead. Her panic attack got worse. She couldn’t breathe and felt like she was dying. Maybe if she died she could be with Paul. And she heard footsteps run up the stairs and into their room. She looked up and saw Paul. She coughed as she struggled to breathe. Paul ran towards her and placed his hands on her shoulder. She could feel his heartbeat on her skin. Alive. He was alive. 

 

“Breathe with me okay?” He asked her. He didn’t get a response. He sat on the floor and pulled her head against his chest. “Follow my breathing okay? Okay in and out I’ve got you you’re safe. In and out. In and out.” 

 

Slowly, Emma began to calm down. But she was still shaking. “You left me.” She may be crying but she was enraged. 

“I know and I’m sorry-“

“YOU LEFT ME!” She screamed. She felt her first clench up and punch his face. Paul clasped the area where he’d been punched and winced. 

“Emma I’m sorry I had to get Alice-“

“YOU COULD HAVE DIED!” She screamed, tears falling down her face. 

“I know...I know...”

“YOU-YOU! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!” She hissed. 

“Emma calm down hun please-“

“GET OUT!” And she felt more rage surge towards her. She held her hand up and removed the engagement ring with force and threw it at his face. “GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!” She repeated. 

“Emma let me explain-“

“NO I DONT CARE YOU COULD HAVE DIED! I ALMOST DIED AND YOU DIDNT CARE! YOU SELFISH FUCKING PRICK!-“

“Emma this is hormones talking-“ but that seemed to upset her more as she punched his arm. She was small but had a lot of forced. “Okay! Okay I’ll go!”

“YOU CAN FUCK OFF TO THE COUCH UNTIL IM READY TO CALL YOU MY FIANCÉ AGAIN!”

“Emma-“

“GO!” And with that, Paul left. The door slammed behind him. Emma was shaking, crying. A hormonal mess. She broke down against the door. She had overreacted. It was her and Paul’s first proper fight. She didn’t know if she was engaged to him anymore. But she was still pretty pregnant. She dragged herself to her bed and let the tears soak her pillow. She didn’t care. But Paul sure as hell did. And she was a bad person. Maybe she should have gone to save Alice. Maybe she wouldn’t be a problem. Because then she’d be dead and nobody would miss her....

 

She looked out the window, the blue glow getting stronger. She’d accept her fate. She had to die for others to survive. And that was factual. 


	8. Just Leave. It'll Hurt Less When You See Me After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because life always deceives you into thinking you know the answer. So why have a hero when you can have a heroine?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Eli who only got sent the lines "Why have a hero when you can have a heroine?" And "Because life always deceives you into thinking you know the answer." And so have you guys. That's the summary. Good luck surviving Chapter 8.

Emma looked out the window. The once blue haze flooding the air now becoming more translucent. Harder to see through. It was more of a smokey texture. She accepted her fate. She had to die for the others to survive. 

She thought she understood the answers back in Hatchetfield when she first met Paul. How simple it would have been. A group of murderous singing  _musical_ zombies wanting to kill the only guy in Hatchetfield who had a visible hating for the things. So that's who they were after right? Wrong. They're not after Paul. They're after  _her_  and she will make sure she puts an end to this. Maybe Paul was never the hero. Maybe it should have been her. Correction. It must be her. Just think about it. 

A tired barista struggling to pay off College debt. A 30 year old with parental issues. A small girl who'd lost her older sister, her only sense of protection. The tired barista struggling to pay debt who fell in love with the guy a head taller than her with gentle blue eyes in a brown suit. The tired barista who was engaged to that man until a few minutes ago, and is still pregnant with his child. Yeah. That sounds about right. **Because life always deceives you into thinking you know the answer**. In this scenario, destiny said "fuck stereotypes." **Why have a hero when you can have a heroine?**

"I'm sorry, baby." Emma whispered to her unborn child. This was her sacrifice to humanity. To avenge everyone dead in Hatchetfield. To avenge Charlotte, her best friend since middle school but had since drifted and hadn't seen each other since graduating school and never had the chance to talk to her because of her busy schedule and Emma's. To avenge Bill, someone who was going through the pain of never being able to see his daughter, and then being shot by Alice, who did it to blend in. To avenge Henry Hidgens, her biology professor and the person who was like a stand-in father. Someone she'd learnt to trust more than her family. Somebody who'd given her a chance at graduating. Somebody who'd given her a shot at life. And he'd had his ripped from underneath it. To avenge Alice who'd lost her girlfriend and the only family she'd ever properly known. To avenge Paul. Paul. The only guy she'd ever properly fallen for. To avenge him for putting up with her shit, for letting her break down, for not judging her. To avenge Paul who'd lost all his friends and his birthplace. To avenge him because she didn't deserve him. He was the greatest guy on this forbidden planet. He deserved to live. But she had nothing. So this all made sense. Give everyone else hope and give the infected what they want. They never want "The Guy Who Doesn't Like Musicals." they wanted the person who could bring him the most pain. His girlfriend. His ex fiance. The girl he'd been pining for...for...for however long he'd been pining for her. And she was going to make sure him and Alice had a good life. The life they deserved, the life they needed. The life she wanted but never got. Because this was Emma Perkins, was-soon-to-be Matthews, who had made a stupid mistake of ending things with the love of her life as he went to save the only real connection to family he had. His goddaughter. She'd have done the same. But her anger flared up and she became irrational. "I'm doing this for you." She whispered as she slid the window open and carefully climbed down. They always say, 'give the people what they want,' and that's exactly what she was doing. Except these weren't people. These were mindless alien zombies, people she may have once knew with a deadly infection raging through their body, allowing them to look the same but act entirely different. As manipulating as they were, she'd survived against them this long. But the fight was over. This was the end. For everyone. 

* * *

Alice heard the fight from downstairs. Paul came down and sat on the couch opposite Alice.

"It didn't go well, did it?" Alice asked, quietly, approaching the situation with caution. Paul's reply was to hold up the engagement ring that Emma should still be wearing. Alice gasped and ran over to her godfather, wrapping her arms around him. They didn't say anything, but Alice could hear how irregular Paul's breathing was which often meant he was crying. 

"I thought proposing to her was the answer. The right answer. Apparently not Ally. Apparently not. Did I do it to soon?" He asked her. Alice pulled away. She was right. He was crying. She shrugged. "I thought she'd want to marry me. But I was wrong. Again."

"Uncle Paul please don't blame yourself. Emma's probably most likely very hormonal. She probably didn't mean it. She loves you, Paul. I know she does. So I suggest going to go and give her the ring back. Just tell her to look after it. It is hers after all. And I think you should apologise to her. She may not apologise to you because girls don't tend to do that. But she knows she is also in the wrong. I'll stay here." Alice smiled. Paul returned the favour and walked back up the stairs. 

 

The window. Why was it open and where was Emma. Then he heard it. Her singing. "Oh no no no no no!" He shouted running down the stairs. "Alice, stay here. Emma...she's out there. And I don't want you getting hurt." Paul picked up the gun and handed her Emma's engagement ring. "In the event I don't make it back, keep this as a keepsake. I love you Alice." Alice nodded. She was scared. What if Paul  _didn't_ come back? He nodded back and ran out the door. Alice admired the ring. It was a silver band with a small green gemstone infused into it. It was simple, yet perfect for Emma. And Paul was doing what he had to. He had to save Emma. He'd be the hero again. 

* * *

Emma was walking further away from safety, singing to draw attention to herself when she heard Paul's voice calling after her. This was painful enough, to let herself go, but as soon as she heard his voice, it hurt more, if that was even possible. "Emma!" He shouted, running towards her. She stopped. 

"Yes, Paul?" She asked in a monotone voice.

"What are you doing?! It's dangerous!"

"I am...fully aware." She didn't turn to face him. She wanted to get as close as she could to the infected to ensure her plan worked. 

"Why are you doing this?"

"Paul please go back to Alice. It'll hurt more if you stay."

"No!"

"Please! Just leave! It'll hurt less when you see me after!" She pleaded. 

"I...Explain to me why you're doing this..."

"Because...they were never after you. Paul Matthews, aged 30, brown suit, 6 and a half feet tall, pining for a barista-"

"Emma-" But it didn't stop her. She continued to talk. 

"Who was struggling to pay her debt. A barista with no family except her kooky biology professor and this office occupant who was thought to save the world. It was never him, it was me. Me, Emma Perkins, 'The Guy Who Doesn't Like Musicals' supposed sidekick, the one who would cause him the most pain to see her die. That's their plan. To cause you pain. Life deceives you into thinking you know the answer. The answer was there was never a hero needed. There was a heroine."

"Emma please!" He begged. He didn't feel the tears glaze over his eyes. "Please I-we're going to have a child!"

"Keep Alice safe for me, love?" She said, turning around. Her eyes. They were still hazel. She had a chance. 

"That won't be necessary." He said, pulling the ring out of his pocket and shoving it in front of her eyes. As her eyes adjusted to the small band, something clicked inside of her. She looked at Paul. "Emma...come home. Please." He could see her chew the inside of her lip before she walked towards him and wrapped her arms around him. "We're gonna make it out of this hellhole. There will be no hero. There will be no heroine. In reality everyone's a villain in one way or another. Nobody saves the day. But we can save other members of our own species. So I'm gonna take you home okay? And make sure you and baby are okay. And make sure Alice is okay. And we're getting our asses out of Clivesdale ASAP. We're gonna have a nice wedding-" He could hear her laugh filled with tears, but it was a laugh. And that's all that mattered. "And I will try to be the best husband I could ever be."

"You already are." Was her soft reply as they walked through the door, hand in hand. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In conclusion, Eli will now hate me for eternity, but honestly, #noregrets. 
> 
> -
> 
> shoutout to Eli for being SYPF's biggest fan. We are now good friends and I forgot her name (ELi is a nickname) and i had to reask it because I'm a dumbass who eats chairs for a living. This chapter ruined me so I'm going to bed. GOOD EVENING. BUT IT'S BAD BECAUSE YOU'VE READ MY SHITTY FANFICTION AND I'M TRASH. SO TRASHNIGHT AND HAVE A D R E A M


	9. "I Believe An Explanation Is In Order"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Eli who's made me make this chapter sadder than Chapter 8.

Paul shut the door. The house was deadly silent. Well, apart from Emma crying. Emma crying. Paul spun around and smiled softly. "Hey..." He said, gently, walking over to her. "Hey it's okay you're safe." 

"It's not okay!" Was her reply. "Paul I-I left you because I thought me sacrificing myself was the only way to-I tried to give my body away, my body and my baby away, why do you still want me here?"

"Because...." He sighed. "Because-"

"Save it. I'm just your little pity party."

"You're anything but, Emma. I wouldn't have wanted this kid with you if you were just a pity party." Emma sighed and Paul wiped her tears. "Alice is probably asleep...so how about we head upstairs? It's getting late." Emma nodded. Paul helped her up the stairs. 

* * *

She felt ashamed of what she'd done. She'd hurt because, yet again, she thought death was the only way out. She thought if she was gone, everyone else would be happy. But she'd hurt the people closest to her, which was worse than death. She lay on the bed and waited for Paul to climb in next to her. The guilt she was feeling was overwhelming and she had to tell him why. 

"Night E-"

 **"I think an explanation's in order."** She said, cutting him off. She turned to face him.

"No, love, you don't have to explain anything-" She cut him off again. 

"I hurt you, I hurt Alice all because I thought getting rid of myself would solve the situation. It only made it worse. I love you so so much, Paul and I don't understand why somebody like you, the sweetest guy on the planet, wants to start a family with me, a dumbfuck barista. You deserve the world and I am definitely not that." Paul sighed and wrapped an arm over her waist, gently pushing her closer towards him. He held her in the way that his hand was on the back of her head, and her head was on his chest. 

"I'll tell you why. Because you act strong, and you are, but I've seen sides nobody else has. When you got really angry at your customers and started crying, I was there. When I went to order, you confessed it's because you had a lot on your plate. You also said I was your favourite customer that day."

"It's still true."

"There is no reason behind it except I love you an unconditional amount and I want to have this kid with you, and it would mean the world to me if we got married and settled down somewhere far away from here. Maybe...."

"Maybe Britain." Emma said, burying her face into Paul's chest.

"Why Britain?" She shrugged. 

"I want to use a kettle."

"What the fuck is a kettle?" _**(this hurts to write, you American's and your way of making tea is boiling water in the microwave. No. I am British and enraged. Kettles are LIFE CHANGING. okay rant over)**_

"It's life changing. Also I don't know Jane went to Britain once and said I'd love it so..."

"You wanna go in Jane's memory?" Emma nodded. "I'll see what I can do."

"I love you, Paul."

"I love you too, Emma."

 


	10. Alice.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice and Paul have a fight that ends up disastrously wrong.

“Alice!” Paul shouted with a sigh as Alice locked herself in her room.

“No no no no no...” Alice sniffed as she pulled her legs to her chest. “No it can’t be true it-it can’t be happening-“

“Alice!” Paul shouted louder as he started walking upstairs. Alice shook her head even though she knew he couldn’t see her. She heard footsteps outside her door. Slowly, the heavier footsteps walked away and there was a soft knock at the door. 

“Ally? It’s Emma.” 

-

“So what happened again?” She asked, rubbing the younger girls back. 

“I...I snapped at Uncle Paul and I said he should have died instead of dad and-and then he almost slapped me and-“ Alice burst into tears as she leant her head on Emma’s chest. Emma held her comfortingly, her motherly instincts kicking in. 

“It’s alright Alice. I’ll go and talk to him alright?” Alice looked up and nodded. This gave Emma the chance to walk away downstairs. 

—————

“For fucks sakes Paul!” He sighed as he threw his head in his hands, a growl at the bottom of his throat. “Great job. Bill would be so proud of you!” He laughed angrily. Emma walked downstairs. She’d never seen Paul so angry/upset in her life. 

“Paul.” She said, announcing she was there. He looked up. 

“What, em.” He sighed. 

“Listen to me. Why the fuck did you almost slap Alice!”

“Oh wow. Wow you don’t need to get involved.”

“Says the person who’s supposed to be protecting her!” 

“Oh fuck off Emma!”

“No Paul! If you won’t look after her I will!”

“So fucking what! I’ve done enough for her she should be grateful!”

“Hey!” Emma snapped. “Don’t you dare talk about Alice that way! You are the guy who was worried about her to the extent that you sacrificed your life to go and rescue her and now you’re saying you don’t care about her?! What the hell is going on with you?!” He sighed. 

“You don’t need to know.”

“I think I do! In fact, I think Alice deserves to know more than me.” Paul looked down.

“Alice’s...mother got in touch with me. She...she wants Alice back. And I’m trying to convince myself I never cared about Alice that much so it hurts less when her mom comes to get her.” Emma paused. 

“Oh Paul...” She said as she sat down besides him. 

“I’ve looked after this kid for so so long and...now she’s going to be taken away from me. Multiple times she has accidentally called me “dad” when Bill wasn’t there and-“ he broke. Emma wrapped her arms around his shoulders. 

“She called you dad?” Paul nodded. 

“When she was little. And I swore to keep her safe. And I can’t. She-I almost fucking slapped her, Emma.”

“I know.”

“And she’s gonna hate me.”

“No she won’t.”

“I thought her mother was dead!”

“I know, Paul.” Emma said, turning to face him and wiped his tears away with the back of her thumbs. “You, you have been the best guardian she could ever ask for. She loves you, Paul. If she wants to call you dad she can. If she wants to call me mom she can she-“ there was a punching noise against the wall upstairs. “Shit.” The two said in sync and ran up the stairs. Alice was clutching her hand to her chest. The door swung open and Alice looked traumatised. 

“Alice, what happened?” Paul asked softly

“There...it...sorry I thought I saw something I’m going insane.” She said as a tear fell down her face. 

“I’ll give you space.” Emma said and shut the door. Paul took a deep breathe. 

“Alice, I’m sorry love. But there is a reason I’ve been acting out.” He said as he sat on her bed. Alice cautiously sat down next to her. “Since this began I feared I’d lose you. And then your mother got in touch with me and wants you back. And I thought...I thought if I convinced myself I hated you it would hurt less when you went. But it hurts more because I care so much about you it’s ridiculous. When you used to call me dad when Bill wasn’t available and I was babysitting, it made me feel wanted okay? It made me feel so fucking proud because you had someone to talk to when you couldn’t talk to your own father. And now I feel like I’ve...disappointed your father. I feel like I’ve gone against what your father wished for you to have. A safe place with me. I was put in charge of you or anything were to happen to him and you’re being ripped from me. And I don’t know what to do.” Alice looked up and saw Paul wipe his eye. She wrapped her arms around him. 

“I’m sorry too. I-I didn’t mean what I said-“ 

“I know you didn’t.” He said, hugging her back. “I love you, Alice.”

“I love you too, Uncle Paul.” They stayed like that for a while before moving. 

“I’ll leave you alone for a while okay?”

“Okay. Thanks for apologising Uncle Paul.”

“Hey. It’s the right thing to do.” Paul smiled and patted her on the back. “And if I could help it, you’d stay with me. It’s what your father would want.” Alice smiled sadly at the memory of how close Bill and Paul used to be. He got up to leave. 

If only he hadn’t. Then maybe, maybe the glass in Alice’s room wouldn’t be shattered....maybe the singing wouldn’t reach her room. But no, only Emma heard. “ALICE!” She screamed running up the stairs, forgetting she was pregnant temporarily. She pushed the door open and covered her mouth, tears in her eyes. “LET. HER. GO!”


	11. Mom Figures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst.

“Emma what’s happened?!” Paul said running up the stairs and finding her crying outside the bedroom.

“I can’t go in Paul I can’t do it-“

“Emma speak to me. Please darling speak to me.”

“She- Alice’s mother she broke the glass she- she’s holding Alice she- Alice is-“

“No.”

“I can’t tell but-“

“No!”

“Paul I can’t go in-“

“NO!” He screamed and burst through the door, seeing Alice’s mother singing to her and Alice sitting in front of her,Alice’s mother singing the prettiest song Paul had ever heard. 

 

But it was a trap. 

 

“Alice?” Alice looked up after hearing her name. Hazel. Her eyes were hazel. Not blue. 

“Help.” She mouthed, her eyes quickly moving to a shotgun in the room. 

“Hello Paul.” The alien sang. 

“Hello bitch. Thanks for divorcing my best friend by the way.”

“Oh he was pathetic. Weak! You’re better off without him too!” Paul approached her and by the way Alice flinched, her mother had tightened her grip. 

“Let go of my goddaughter!”

“Biologically....she isn’t related to you in any way.”

“Right that’s it!” He shouted as he dove for Alices mother. Alice squealed as her mother let her go. Paul pinned the older female, growling slightly. “She is more of a daughter to me then she will ever be to you!” He said, staring into the vibrant blue eyes of someone Alice once knew. But not anymore. “Alice on the count of three throw me the gun.”

“Alice darling don’t do it!” The alien sang. 

“On the count of three are you ready!” He swung his head around to see Alice nodding. 

“1....”

“2....”

3!” Paul ducked out the way to catch the gun, but gunshots followed instead. Alice was shooting her own mother. When Alice stopped, the alien was dead and blue blood was everywhere. Alice clasped a hand over her mouth as the gun clattered to the floor. She burst into tears, shaking. Paul, instincts overtaking any common sense he had, walked over to his goddaughter, blocking her view of the dead figure. 

“I feel sick Uncle Paul.”

“Come on ally lets get you out of here.” She sobbed but nodded, letting Paul push her out the room. He locked the door on the way out and took her downstairs. She sat, pale faced and shaking downstairs. Emma rushed in through the kitchen.

“Oh alice!” She exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around her, causing Alice to burst into tears again. “Paul ring PEIP they need to dispose the body.” Emma said as Paul nodded, going to make the call. 

“She seemed so real...” Alice sobbed shaking. 

“I know, honey.” 

“She wanted me to join her. And when I said no she grabbed my arms and pulled me on to her lap. I couldn’t move and-“

“I know. But, you’ve got a hell of a good godfather on your side.”

“Yeah.” She laughed shakily. “He’s the best.” A pause. “And so are you.” Emma froze and blinked unsure of what to say. 

“You’re family now.” Emma smiled to Alice. “And I love you like I love my unborn child.”

“Do you know what gender it is?” 

“Oh genders a construct. If it’s a girl it’s a girl. If it’s a boy it’s a boy. If it’s non binary or trans or anything else, I’m gonna fuckin support them. They’re my kid. I wouldn’t look at them any other way.” 

“You and Paul are gonna be great parents.”

“Oh, I know Paul with. It’s me I’m worried about.” Alice smiled. 

“I know you will be.” 


	12. I Wrote This Chapter For lightning.png: What Once Was.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> baby.   
> -  
> the scene at the end wasn't planned but it woRKS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SomEtHINg YOu pIne For. MayBE soMeoNe wHO kEePS yOu LusTED.   
> -  
> shoutout to Eli. That's it.

It was only a few months after Alice had shot (what was) her mother and she was hardly recovering. She became pretty closed off pretty quickly realising that the only people she had left who cared for her were Paul and Emma. It only got harder every day. Especially seeing as Emma was getting more stressed as she approached the time of her birth. It was just a very tense environment constantly. 

But she stuck through it. 

“Emma?” Alice asked one morning, noticing Emma’s discomfort. Emma looked up and smiled, even though she could tell it was tense. “Um...Paul said the raids taking longer than he thought he’ll be another couple of hours.” She said, playing with her fingers. 

“Oh fuck!” Emma exclaimed and threw her head into her hands. 

“Is...is everything okay?” She asked, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. 

“No. No it isn’t and I really need Paul right now.” She said, her jaw signifying her teeth were clenched. 

“Oh....can I ask why?” Emma sighed and looked up to the younger girl. 

“I’m in labour.”

“Oh no...no that’s not good.”

“Yeah...I know.”

“Here. Let me help you upstairs and I’ll see if I can get a hold of Paul.” She said, walking over to Emma and helping her up. 

“Alright. Thanks ally.”

“It’s alright. When did you go into labour?”

“A few hours ago. Paul doesn’t know yet....I’m scared to tell him because he’ll freak out. I’m freaking out. I mean what if there are complications? What if it dies? What if i die?! What if-“

“Emma. It’s going to be okay.” She said as she helped Emma upstairs. Emma essentially collapsed on to her bed, probably from exhaustion. “I’m gonna see if I can ring Paul now.”

“Okay. Thanks Ally.” Emma said, breathless. And with that, Alice walked out the room. 

———

“Oh fuck I can’t get out!” Paul panicked, noticing the infected swarming him. “Guns! I’m in a fucking Walmart!” He exclaimed to himself, running through the aisles, smashing the glass and stealing the gun. He loaded it up when his phone went. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck Hello??”

“Paul! You need to get home now!” 

“Why? Al what’s wrong?”

“Emma’s in labour.”

“What?! What do you mean-“

“She’s in labour and she needs you.”

“Okay are you with her?” 

“No. I’m not. Not currently.”

“Okay. Okay I’m surrounded by the infected so I can’t move. I’ve just got a gun loaded. I’ll be back soon.”

“Alright. Do you want me to put you on the phone to her?”

“Yeah. Yeah that’d be great.” There was the sound of a door opening and the phone being passed over. 

“Paul?” Emma. Oh god how fragile she sounded. 

“Hey. Hey em. Talk to me okay? Tell me what’s happening”

“It...it’s not too bad it’s been going on for a few hours I’m just scared.”

“Oh darling...” he paused. “Wait there.” He said dropping the phone and running to the window. He opened it. As he did so, many of the infected faced his way. Reasonably, he began shooting them. Many familiar faces dropped dead. Again. He ran back to the phone. “Okay. I’m coming home.” He said, grabbing the supplies and quickly loading them in the cart.

* * *

Paul got home and ran upstairs to find Emma in extreme discomfort trying not to cry. "Paul..." She whispered as he walked towards her. He sat next to her on the bed and took her hand. 

"You're going to be okay. I promise. I'm here now." He said as he helped her sit up. She held on to Paul tighter. "It's okay...it's okay." As time progressed, the contractions became more frequent and Emma became more in pain. They had no way of calling help...so they had to do this on their own. Paul tried to guide her as best as he could, but the two struggled immensely. But it was all worth it when they heard a cry fill the room. The two stay sat, shocked, stunned at the newborn crying. It was alive. Their baby was alive. Paul gently removed himself from Emma's grasp and grabbed a towel. He slowly moved to the edge of the bed as he wrapped the baby up carefully. He removed the umbilical cord and bought the baby to Emma's chest. She looked from Paul, to the crying baby on her chest. 

"What do I do?" She asked, softly and tiredly. He helped her so that the baby began to latch on to Emma to feed. Tears fell down Emma's face. "Paul we've just had a baby...in the middle of the apocalypse...what the hell are we going to do?" He held on to her shoulders, hearing all hope fade. 

"I don't know, Emma. I really don't. But for one thing, we can't give up on survival now. We have a little girl to take care of." He said as Emma's mouth dropped open slightly. 

"Girl?" She asked. Paul nodded. 

"A girl."

"Oh god what are we supposed to name her?!" Emma said, panic rising in her voice as she turned to face Paul. 

"Well, you suggested the names of Misha and Eleanor. So why not Misha Eleanor Matthews?" A small smile formed on Emma's face. 

"I like that." She said as she held on to tightly, to protect her. "I like that a lot. At that moment, Alice ran in the room. 

"Uncle Paul, I got a call from PEIP and they said that they're planning on moving us. They're coming to get us later this week. They need to cleanse the island, Then they're gonna take care of us and give us a medical examination and make sure the baby is okay, and then they can take us back here to continue with our lives. Oh my god a baby!" Alice squealed as she carefully walked over and sat next to Paul on the bed. 

"Ally, meet Misha."

* * *

As the week drew to a close and a uniformed officer stood at their door, Paul helped Emma pack things they may need and he said goodbye to the only home he ever knew for the last time. As he sat in the back of the Jeep with Emma in the middle, clutching Misha, he became scared. Hatchetfield was everything he ever knew. Sure, they were being taken back there after examinations, but it just  _wouldn't be the same._ He was incredible emotional. Neither of the three spoke on the way to wherever they were being lead. One thing about Paul was he didn't like change or strangers touching him in a platonic way. And that's what was happening. They were taking blood samples, his blood pressure, his heart rate. And it was all overwhelming. They sat in the white medical bay on the chair when suddenly a uniform grabbed Paul's arm and dragged him into a cell. He could hear Emma's cries and Alice's demands. This set Misha off crying. He started banging on the white metal walls, tears beginning to form in his eyes. "LET ME OUT!" He shouted, but the PEIP officers outside his door remained still. "PLEASE I-I HAVE A GODDAUGHTER AND A FIANCEE AND A BABY, I HAVE A NEWBORN PLEASE I DON'T UNDERSTAND-"

"Of course you wouldn't. You never did." That goddamned voice. As he spun around, he saw bars in the walls and two hands gripping a hold of them. He scrambled over to the wall and peered inside. A man, around 40, wearing a brown suit, ripped. A red tie, ripped, his sandy blonde hair matted, his glasses shattered length ways across the lens. "You never knew what you wanted. And here you are. Here we all are. Is this what you wanted, Paul?" Paul's breathing hitched. "I lost my wife to the apocalypse. It was a simple question, wasn't it.  _A man so vague just can't be trusted. **Something you pine for.** Maybe some one who keeps you lusted." _He sang as he walked out of the shadows. 

"Sir I-I'm sorry-"

"And now you have no choice. You never said what you wanted. We never found out. But the hive knows exactly what you want." Mr Davidson said as he began rattling on the bars, causing Paul to run as far as he could to the back wall. He could see the blue in his former Boss' eyes. He was going to die. Everyone was still infected. The chance to escape this horrific scene, and he was stuck like a puppet being controlled. He was going to die. He was going to leave his baby and his fiancee and  _Alice_ behind. He'd failed his family. And now...now he couldn't say goodbye. He just had to accept it. 

 

 


	13. The Worst Thing To Ever Happen To Me, To Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul has a breakdown. Emma has a breakdown.

"NO! PAUL!" Emma screeched as she clutched Misha to her chest, not letting the PEIP officers take her newborn away from her. Melissa and her were dragged into another room. It was spacious with 8 beds, crisp, freshly made, white in colour, and a white cot next to one of them. The chalkboards above the beds read names and personal details. Emma gulped and walked over to the one with the crib next to. Slowly she lowered Misha into it. "It's going to be okay, Meesh, I promise. Momma won't let anything happen to you." She said as tears filled her eyes.

Meanwhile, Alice found the one with her name on and threw her bag beneath the bed. She lay and faced Emma. "She's a pretty baby, Emma." She smiled, trying to stay positive, trying to act as if she hadn't just lost her godfather, her only sense of protection during all of this. Emma rolled over to face Alice. 

"Oh Ally." She sniffed, indicating she'd been crying. She opened her arm, keeping one in the crib with Misha. Alice climbed off her bed and into a hug, trying not to crush Emma. 

"I just want Uncle Paul to be okay..." Alice said, voice wavering slightly. 

"Me too, dear. Me too." Emma said, as her motherly instincts fronted yet again. Then the door opened, but neither Alice or Emma registered the other people in the room. 

"Emma?" A familiar voice spoke. Alice got off of Emma after hearing the other girl's name being called. Emma sat up and looked to the corner of the room. There they were. Zoey, Nora, Melissa, Charlotte, the officer who usually came in with her Sargeant, an older looking woman and-

"Deb?!" Alice asked, quietly yet tearfully. Deb nodded as she smiled. Alice ran towards her girlfriend and allowed herself to be engulfed in a hug. "I missed you so much oh my god I'm so sorry-"

"Ally, my darling, it's okay." Deb said as she planted a kiss on Alice's cheek, pulling away and wiping the tears from Alice's eyes. 

"I thought you were gone!"

"Me too!" And the two laughed shakily. Zoey walked over to Emma. 

"Fire the hatred at me. Nothing can hurt worse than what I've just been through." Emma sniffed as she rolled back over to face her, currently sleeping, baby. 

"This is your baby?" Zoey asked, her tone still bitter. Emma nodded, scared of what her former-coworker were to say to her. "I'm sorry." Zoey said as she sat on Emma's bed, facing the cradle. "They don't deserve to be alive in the midst of the worst thing in the world." Emma nodded. Then Nora, Charlotte and Melissa joined. They started saying apologises and compliments when the older woman walked over. "Oh, this is Dora but she prefers to be called Doug she used to tip us. And this is-"

"Hi, I'm Carol. Carol Davidson. Paul's boss' wife." She said, introducing herself. "We've all been ripped from our friends, from our family. The boys are in another chamber somewhere. We're being tested upon to see what can cause us a reaction. It's like therapy but worse. But we're going to get out of here one way or another. Together. Including our signifcant others. Including Paul. And we have to keep each other safe. Here are the rules. If someone needs to go to the bathroom or shower, another one of us goes in with you. We're usually in groups. So far it's me and Nora seeing as we're the eldest, Zoey and Melissa, Charlotte and Doug....and then Deb and Melissa. But obviously that has now changed. Emma you will remain with Zoey, Melissa, Charlotte and Doug and Alice can remain with Deb. When you need to change and shower and feed your baby, I can support you. Our boy is in with Ken at the minute. I hear him and Paul have a close connection." Emma nodded. 

"They do. They do." She said as she sat up. "Thank you. For not hating me." 

"We can't hate each other, we've all seen each other's worst side." Zoey smiled. A true smile. This all changed everything. 

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

The metal bars. How close the walls were. The hands. The dishevelled figure of his former boss. The blue. The stains. The glass. The blood. The-

"Paul?" A soft, yet simultaneously heavy voice spoke suddenly. Paul jumped and scurried to back himself against the wall. Every figure in that chamber was a squirming blob. Everything was muffled. He could hardly see. One figure ran towards him and put his hands on Paul's shoulder and started barking orders at him. That figure wore black on his upper half and beige on his bottom half, grey atop of his head. A guy with brown on his upper and lower halves of his body pushed the grey guy away from him and took his place. His grip was much more gentle. His voice, though muffled, was calming. 

**_Something you pine for._ **

**_Something you pine for._ **

**_Something you pine for._ **

**_Something you pine for.  
_ **

**_What do you want, Paul?_ **

**_Something you pine for._ **

**_What is the something you pine for?_ **

**_Emma._ **

"EMMA!" Paul screamed as he suddenly jolted forwards off the wall. 

"Give him space!" The brown guy said. Several other figures shuffled backwards. Paul blinked and everyone was there. His boss, Mr Davidson, crouched in front of him. He was the brown guy. 

"WHERE'S EMMA? WHERE'S MISHA WHERE'S ALICE WHERE'S-"

"Paul."

"Where are they..." Paul said, finally registering the tears falling down his face. 

"Paul, listen to me son. Can I come closer?" Paul hardly responded, but his head gave a small nodding motion. Mr Davidson knelt in front of him. "This is where we were all cleansed. Okay? You're going to be okay. Just take a deep breathe for me...that's it. Just like that. And out. And in. And out. Okay that's it." Ken said, feeling Paul loosen underneath him. "This is where we were all cleansed. They need to run testing on you at some point tomorrow. After that, we are all able to leave this place. Some of us have been here for months. Others, just a few days. The girls are safe. They're just down the corridor. Paul, son, you're okay." Paul felt the clean, sterilised air feel his lungs. 

"Sorry sir....Emma just-my kid was born on Monday and we thought we'd be staying together and nobody gave us any warning and Emma and my baby they were just torn from me...and-and Alice! Alice is gone!"

"Alice is gone?" A deeper voice spoke. This time, Paul registered it instantly. He stood up and ran to hug Bill. 

"Gone with Emma. I hope she's okay." He pulled away from her. "Bill I tried to be a good godfather to her and then she said she wanted me dead and I had a go at her because her mom wanted to take her, and her mom was infected and Alice  _killed her_ and she's been amazing around Emma and my baby and-"

"She's safe?" Paul nodded. "That's all I ever asked you to do. Keep her safe." Paul pulled Bill into another hug. Upon releasing Bill to let him breathe, Paul spun around. A boy was standing besides Mr Davidson. He, too, was wearing glasses. He had short chocolate brown hair and wore red suspenders and a checkered shirt.

"Paul, this is my son, Oliver." Paul nodded. Around him was also Ted, Sam, The Sargent, Greg, Stu and Professor Hidgens. "Glad to see you safe, son." Mr Davidson said, aimed towards Paul. Henry had his back turned as Greg approached him. 

"Henry?" Greg asked. His voice sounded more rough than the melodic tone he heard whilst exiting Henry's house to blow up the meteor. 

"I should have helped Paul I know more about panic attacks than anyone here!" He bit, turning to face Paul. 

"Henry, please calm down-"

"That bastard knows shit all about them! He's a fake! A phony!" Bill grabbed Paul's arm and pulled him to a bed. 

"Henry!" Greg shouted, but it was too late. Hidgens had lurched for Mr Davidson and soon there was a fight breaking out between them. And then Mr Davidson shouted something Paul never wanted anyone to say ever again. 

_"CALL PEIP HE'S STILL INFECTED!"_

 


	14. Why Did It Have To Wind Up Like This?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul has a panic attack again, Emma gets sad

No.  _NO._ "NO!" Paul screamed as he sat, bolt upright, frozen to the bed. He couldn't move. He could only watch the scene unfold in front of him. Hidgens took a blow to Ken Davidson's jaw. A loud crack.

"GET PEIP!" Davidson shouted through the pain. Quickly, Ted ran to the door and started pounding on the metal to try and catch the attention of the agents. One person wasn't enough. He was quickly joined by Greg, then Stu, fuck even Sam joined in. Because neither of them wanted to die, whether it was their first or second time. Bill, however, remained put with Paul to try and calm his best friend down. But as the hammering on the door grew louder and nobody came and the scene in front of them got worse, Paul couldn't help but zone out. His heart beat was the only comforting thing to him currently. His breathe shortened and his vision blurred. Once he came to, it was Bill standing over him with a flannel pressed against his head. "Paul, Mr Davidson got infected. We need to go."

* * *

Misha had just woken up and Emma was nursing her. Everyone was catching up and Zoey hadn't left Emma's side. Misha was currently suckling against Emma as Emma rested her head against the wall. "What's it like being a mom anyways?" Zoey asked as she sat next to Emma. 

"Hard. Tiring...the best feeling in the world." She admitted. And it was. Misha, though only a few days old, had tanned skin like her mom, Paul's eyes and nose, her lips and ears, and she had dark hair already. Overall, she was just perfect. And she wouldn't switch her Misha for the world. But it wasn't just  _her_ Misha. It was their Misha. Her and Paul's daughter. And he was somewhere else in this facility, and not with her. Just before tears resurfaced, the metal door slid open. It was Colonel Schaffer who stood in the door's place

"Recruits. We need to move. Two inhabitants by the name of Henry Hidgens and Ken Davidson-" Emma heard Carol take a sharp intake of breathe. "Were found to still be infected. If you would like to follow me, we are relocating." Emma picked Misha up and cradled her to her chest, ensuring Misha didn't wake up. As they were walking and followed Colonel Schaffer, Emma could hear the dragging of feet. Alice had also lingered behind to make sure Misha was okay. Alice had grown attached to Misha just as much as Emma had. Zoey heard the noise too and turned her head. 

"Don't look around." She said, continuing to walk quicker. 

"Wh-" Emma said, confused, turning her head to see Paul getting dragged away by two other PEIP agents, Bill following shortly. "PAUL!" She screamed. Paul lifted his head and saw Emma. Immediately he started fighting the agents. This caused Alice to turn around. 

"DAD!" She shouted. More PEIP agents came and started pushing Emma and Alice away from the boys. By now, Misha had woken up because of the screaming. 

"PAUL PLEASE!"

"EMMA! KEEP FIGHTING! I'LL FIND YOU I PROMISE!" Paul shouted before being knocked unconscious by the agents. Emma gasped and Zoey gripped Emma's forearm tighter. Alice had to turn her gaze away from her father. It hurt. To see the two parental figures Alice had ever had being tortured. They were guided to another room, similar to their previous one, but there were separate doors inside of the room which lead to miniature bedrooms. Emma scrambled to find hers and shut the door. Inside was a crib. She placed Misha inside before curling up on her bed, allowing the tears to fall. 

"Oh Misha, I promise we'll find dad again. He's going to be okay. I promise. He's a fighter. Just like everyone else. Just like me and Auntie Alice and Zoey, Char, Bill, Ted, Melissa, Deb, just like you. And you're gonna grow up. And you're gonna be a good girl. And you're not going to act anything like me because I'm a fucking screw up and the only person who gave me the slightest amount of hope was your father. And he's gone. Oh Mish I'm sorry. You don't deserve this world. You deserve to be...I don't know, in Britain with a family who love you and cherish you and-" Emma couldn't continue, She'd given everything up for this girl, and here she was, crumpling under pressure. Under pressure, under emotional stress. She didn't know how she'd raise this baby without Paul. 

* * *

The last thing Paul had remembered was passing out because of a panic attack and then waking up being dragged by a PEIP agent. He was being dragged, not even being given a chance to walk. Bill had remained with him, which was okay, but he was still scared. Of course he'd be. Emma wasn't with him. He had no idea how Alice or Misha was. But he knew one thing. He was strong. And he'd fight. He'd fight to survive. Because two girls needed him just as much as he needed them. There was a cross section. Schaffer, who was leading the girls to their new room, nodded. They let the four agents dragging the two men to pass first. Then Paul saw Zoey turn around and mutter something to Emma. Then Emma spun around. And then he saw it. The hope in her eyes, yet he was hopeless. She spun around and started running towards him, the same went for Alice, the two calling for Bill and him, but more agents ushered them back to the group. Paul mustered up the most strength he could and turned his head to face Emma. "EMMA! KEEP FIGHTING! I'LL FIND YOU I PROMISE!" He knew the consequences would be bad, but he didn't particularly expect his head to be smashed against the wall. He felt blood start falling down his head as he passed out for the second time that day. When he woke up, he was strapped to a chair in a white room. It was a cube in shape and the only thing not white was the black chair he was strapped too. He felt bile rise in his mouth as the intercom crackled. 

_Welcome, subject P.M, to your first round of testing._

 

 


	15. Testing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome subjects to your first round of testing. In this round, we will find out how badly the apotheosis has affected you based on heart rate and blood pressure. We will also take these results into account, pairing with the various amount of consequences including in the bundle. Whether that be allowing you to see your family or friends, or instead putting you out of your misery. Good luck subjects - Doctor J. Hancox  
> -  
> Songs mentioned in this chapter:  
> Melanie Martinez, K-12: Recess  
> Melanie Martinez, K-12: Nurse's Office

Fuck. Testing? Like a lab rat? As Paul's vision became less foggy, he noticed he had a blood pressure machine attached to his arm and various other machines placed on other parts of his body. The straps were of a leather to restrain him. He became very nervous very quickly. Then the speaker crackled again. 

_Good evening subjects. I am Doctor J. Hancox and I will be the one to run these tests on you today. If you draw your attention to your own body, you will notice several machines wired up to you. Now, each and every one of you will be receiving the same test. In this first group of testing, we will find out how badly the apotheosis has affected you based on heart rate and blood pressure._ _We will also take these results into account, pairing with the various amount of consequences including in the bundle. Whether that be allowing you to see your family or friends, or instead putting you out of your misery. Good luck subjects._

The intercom crackled again and a soft melodic tune began to play. Immediately, Paul began to sweat. He could feel his heart hammering at a million miles an hour as the tune began to distort into lyrics.  ** _People gonna say, if you need a break, someone'll take your place. People gonna try to tell you that you're fine with dollars in their eyes. Don't let them fuck you honey, no. Don't let them try. Don't let them hurt you, baby. Just say "recess, I'm tired."_** Paul couldn't control his breathing. Then the music turned more rough and distorted.  _ **Take me home. Give me that pink slip of permission. This is all awful. I'm tired of wishing I was ditching.**_ Then the music stopped. Before he had time to catch his breathe, gunshots rang out through the block and he screamed and started pulling against the restraints wanting it to be over. When he heard a baby crying, he could've sworn he felt his heart stop as he passed out, yet again. When he awoke, he was still in the chair but the restraints had been removed. The intercom was still crackling slightly. On the white desk was a sheet of paper. He carefully walked over to it and skimmed his results. "Oh no...."

* * *

"LET ME GO!" Emma screamed as she was thrown into another room and strapped to a chair, the intercom crackling. 

_Good evening subjects. I am Doctor J. Hancox and I will be the one to run these tests on you today. If you draw your attention to your own body, you will notice several machines wired up to you. Now, each and every one of you will be receiving the same test. In this first group of testing, we will find out how badly the apotheosis has affected you based on heart rate and blood pressure._ _We will also take these results into account, pairing with the various amount of consequences including in the bundle. Whether that be allowing you to see your family or friends, or instead putting you out of your misery. Good luck subjects._

"FUCK YOU, DOCTOR HANCOX!" Emma screamed at the speaker in the corner. As the music started playing, she had the instinct to run. She started pulling on the restraints as her heart sped up and she was only focused on protecting her baby, who she had insisted on being in the room with her. Misha lay in the crib at the other end of the room and Emma couldn't run to her. She could feel the skin underneath the straps begin to blister from the rubbing sensation, to which she winced in pain. When she heard the gun shots, she grit her teeth and started shaking the chair in hopes she'd break free. And then the baby crying. Her maternal instincts kicked in and she just started crying. She heard the door open and she sucked it up. She felt the restraints lift and she ran to Misha, picking Misha up and holding her to her chest. "No more loud noises." She said as she approached what had been left on the table. She read it, bouncing Misha up and down in her arm. "No!"

* * *

Alice only remembered being separated from Deb as she was dragged from Deb's grasp to a leather chair. Immediately, Alice became very aware of her surroundings and incredibly jumpy. Because she was younger, there we no straps to bind her to the chair. She was encouraged to take a seat, so that's what she did. She sat down. The familiar intro speech started playing. As she heard the music, she squeaked and plugged her ears. It wasn't the music that set her off. It was the gun shots. Her head was spinning and she ran to the corner of the room, beginning to pace each side. She kept calling for her dad, even with her ears plugged. She knew her father was alive again, she'd seen him...but maybe her eyes had deceived her again. She ended up collapsed on the floor, shaking and sobbing. Then an agent walked in with the results. Alice, once strong enough again, crawled to the desk and slowly picked the results off the table. With teary eyes, she read the results. 

* * *

All 3 sheets read the same. 

_**Dear The Person to Whom This Letter Concerns,** _

_**According to you reaction the four soundclips that were played during your first round of testing, we have to postpone you seeing your loved ones for a longer period of time. We will be playing more clips in half an hour. In the meantime, please feel free to help yourself to water and toast. - Dr. J Hancox.** _

 

 

 

 


	16. Testing Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring, Deb, Charlotte and Oliver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Miscarriage.

"Testing? Can we be in the same room?" Deb questioned, immediately gripping Alice's hand to protect her. 

"Unfortunately not, kid. You all need to be in separate rooms. I promise it is nothing dangerous. You're in good hands with Doctor Hancox." Deb nodded. 

"You hear that Ally? You're in good hands." She smiled. Alice nodded nervously. "Let's go-" A PEIP agent grabbed a hold of Alice and tore her away from Deb. She could hear Alice shout her name, her voice frail, and it broke Deb's heart. Unlike Alice however, Deb wouldn't let the agents know how truly scared she was. She had to stay strong. For Alice. As she was thrown into the room, Deb shrugged and sat down on the chair that was surprisingly comfortable. The speaker crackled and Deb sighed. She threw her beanie to the corner of the room in case this was some sort of 4D simulation. 

 _Good evening subjects. I am Doctor J. Hancox and I will be the one to run these tests on you today. If you draw your attention to your own body, you will notice several machines wired up to you. Now, each and every one of you will be receiving the same test. In this first group of testing, we will find out how badly the apotheosis has affected you based on heart rate and blood pressure._   _We will also take these results into account, pairing with the various amount of consequences including in the bundle. Whether that be allowing you to see your family or friends, or instead putting you out of your misery. Good luck subjects._

Deb smiled sarcastically to herself as the first clip began playing. She had tensed up, but didn't react. For the gunshots, her heart sped up, and for the baby her heart calmed down. She relaxed back into the chair when it was over and saw a white sheet of paper placed on the white desk, like everything else in this room, everything was white. Cleanliness was hardly the thing it represented however. Maybe holiness? No. Definitely not. Sanitary. That's what. White represented sanitary. Deb kicked herself off the chair and walked to the desk. 

_Dear Whom this Letter May Concern,_

_According to your reaction to the first round of tests, you will be free to see your loved ones. Please make your way back to your faculty room where cake and biscuits await._

Deb fist bumped in the air and was ecstatic. She couldn't wait to see Alice. 

* * *

Charlotte flattened her skirt out as she sat down in the leather chair. She giggled nervously as the restraints bound her to the chair. She tried to make herself as comfortable as possible as the recording began to play.

_Good evening subjects. I am Doctor J. Hancox and I will be the one to run these tests on you today. If you draw your attention to your own body, you will notice several machines wired up to you. Now, each and every one of you will be receiving the same test. In this first group of testing, we will find out how badly the apotheosis has affected you based on heart rate and blood pressure. _We will also take these results into account, pairing with the various amount of consequences including in the bundle. Whether that be allowing you to see your family or friends, or instead putting you out of your misery. Good luck subjects.__

As the recordings began to play, Charlotte's heart quickened mildly at the sound of the music, but she still enjoyed listening to positive tunes even after this whole disaster. Then the gunshots came and she tensed up. "Sam?! Sam baby please don't hurt me! Sam put the gun down!" She shouted as her vision blurred. "Sam please put the gun down! Sam baby it's me it's-it's your wife it's Charlotte!" She said as she began to fidget nervously. As it sounded like the gunshots approached her further, her lip quivered and she began shaking. Then the baby recording. Tears welled up in her eyes. Her and Sam were pregnant with a baby a few years ago, but unfortunately, due to a miscarriage, they'd lost that privilege. It was then her and Sam's relationship fell apart. She remembered coming back from CCRP to see him tearing down what was supposed to be their nursery and pulling out his gun and shooting the wall. She knocked on the door to which he pointed the gun at her. Instinctively, she held her hands up and started pleading for her life. As soon as he took his glasses off and put his gun back in his belt he walked towards her and pulled her into a hug. He kissed the top of her head and comforted her. Charlotte hadn't worn anything tight fitting since the incident either. She was very insecure of her scars but Sam made her feel human and beautiful again, well, had. Until...until she'd caught Sam kissing the younger barista from Beanies. Zoey, her name was. And it wrecked her. That was when Ted had stepped into her life. The first time they'd hooked up, she'd gotten very insecure about her scars. He'd placed gentle kisses along her stomach and told her she was beautiful. She felt loved for those few minutes. But the guilt came soon after. She loved Sam. She still did. But it was terrible how she kept running after him. As the recording ended, the agent walked in and placed a slip on the table. As the restraints lift, her heart and legs heavy with guilt, she approached the table and read the slip. 

_To Whom This Letter May Concern,_

_According to the reaction in your first round of testing, you will be receiving councelling with your significant other. Find attached to this letter a set of keys to your room 222. Please make your way there now._

Charlotte gulped. Councelling didn't work last time. Who's to say it would work this time too. 

* * *

Oliver shakily took a seat. He'd just lost his dad and had no idea where his mom was, and now he was being used for testing. He had a little card in his top pocket that read "HCB" that stood for Hot Chocolate Boy because that was what he was known as around Beanies, and Hatchetfield in general. Hatchetfield seemed like a sore memory. Again, because he was a teen, there were no restraints on the chairs. As the audio clips played, he hardly reacted more than a flinch. He approached the table and read his note. 

_To Whom This Letter May Concern,_

_According to the reaction in your first round of testing, you will be allowed to go and see your remaining family members full time. We are currently in the works of finding a cure for your father. Condolences about the situation. - Doctor J. Hancox._

And with that, Oliver ran to see his mom again. 

* * *

But for our main trio. Well. I should introduce myself. Hello, I am Doctor Josie Hancox, the doctor involved in these trials. I have been keeping a close eye on each of these inhabitants. Out of our main trio, Alice was the first to recover as well as she could. She is currently receiving therapy and medication alongside her father and girlfriend upon request. Emma was next. Emma received free healthcare when it came to her and her baby. Misha Eleanor Matthews is doing wonderfully, by the way. But Paul still hasn't recovered. And we can only do one thing. Excuse me for breaking the fourth wall. Now, let me show you the scene I had to watch from the cameras.

* * *

Paul was still struggling in the chair, his glasses smashed on the floor after being thrashed off from his continuing shaking to try and get out of the chair. He had tears falling. "MAKE IT STOP!" He shouted through gritted teeth. "PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!" The restraints tightened and two agents walked in with a syringe full of....blue...glowing things??? It was inserted into his neck. 

"Up the dose." Another syringe full. "Again. Again. Stop!" So the agents backed away. But Paul had changed. The dose of the spores that were just intended to help the man relax had taken to his bloodstream too quickly. There was a way to stop it. But they'd left the door open. And Paul wasn't in the restraints. 

 

 

 

 

 


	17. A Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your Faves reunite. OR DO THEY-

Charlotte, in her pale blue cat sweater and pastel pink skirt, approached room 222. She put the key in the lock and pushed it open. Inside, she could hear a faint humming. It was a room that was essentially a bungalow. She was surrounded by colour. Swarmed in warm colours, that meant very little to someone average. But Charlotte wasn't an average girl. She was Charlotte god damn Lowery. And she was the wife of a cop. And she had survived a fucking apocalypse! But still, her badassery didn't hide her insecurities. The carpet was a soft autumnal mix of green and brown. The walls were a cream colour. Upon entering, the first room was a small kitchen. The one down the corridor to the right underneath the white stairs, coated with the same carpet, was the utility room where the laundry supplies and a freezer sat. The next room was the downstairs bathroom. The main room at the back was the living room fit with a small table and kitten basket and flowers and a nice garden and a small kitten and-. Wait. A small grey and white kitten lay at her feet. "Hi sweetie." She smiled as she picked it up and cradled it. It purred softly and mewed happily in Charlotte's gentle grasp. "What's your name honey?" She asked checking the small black collar. The metal tag read 'Lily.' "Lily. Is Lily your name sweetie?" The kitten mewed again. The humming wasn't coming from this floor so it was coming from upstairs. She put Lily in her basket and stroked her head. She was already ecstatic. The room at the end of the hallway upstairs was the second bathroom. The room directly next to it was the main bedroom, which consisted of a black and white bed and brown carpet. The next room was a spare room, possibly a guest room. This just lead the other room. That's where the humming was coming from. Shakily, Charlotte opened the door. She let out a small gasp. Standing in the centre of the room was Sam in his usual full leather attire holding....a baby bottle feeding...a baby. Charlotte's eyes filled with tears as Sam turned around. It was clear he was chewing the inside of his lip. 

"Charlotte baby, I've treated you like shit since we lost our baby. I guess I should have asked for a divorce instead of having an affair. But when I went to confront you I thought...wait. Sam Lowery, what are you doing? You've liked this girl since high school and you want a divorce? So I ended my affair with Zoey the same day of the apotheosis when I got infected. I....Charlotte, I love you sweetie. And I'm hoping you can forgive me?" He asked, hopefully, gently setting the bottle down. Charlotte nodded. She walked over to Sam and cuddled into him.

"I'm sorry I had an affair on you too baby. I just wanted to feel loved." Sam kissed the top of Charlotte's head. 

"I understand. But hopefully with therapy...and our baby...we can make us right again?" She nodded. "What do you want to name her, Char?" He asked her. Charlotte got a look at the baby for the first time. She wasn't a newborn, around 5/6 months. She had curly sandy blondish hair and blue eyes. She had pale skin. She was perfect.

"What about...Courtney?"

"Courtney Lowery...middle name?"

"You choose."

"Charlotte." Charlotte smiled. 

"Courtney Charlotte Lowery." Sam said. "I like it." And Sam pulled Charlotte against him again. 

* * *

Zoey was sat tapping her leg next to Emma. "You get to see Alice and Paul again today." She said. Emma nodded. 

"Yep."

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Yep. Just nervous." Zoey nodded. 

"Well, that's okay." She paused. "He's still gonna be Paul. He's your Paul. Your husband/fiance Paul." Emma nodded. "And you have a kid-"

"Zoey, I appreciate you trying to comfort me, but please...please can I have some space alone." Zoey nodded. 

"Alright." She said and stood up and walked away. In the corner, Bill and Alice were catching up. Alice hadn't let go of her father in fear she'd lose him again. In fear she'd shoot him again. Just scared in general. Then the door clicked open. Emma didn't look up. Not yet. She was focusing on Misha, who in the few months she'd been without her father, had learnt to crawl and was exploring Emma's bed.  Finally, when Emma thought it was safer for Misha to be in her crib, she set Misha to sleep and walked out the room. Alice had wide eyes and pointed towards the door. Emma looked up and saw.... _him._ "PAUL!" She screamed out of pure joy and ran towards him. He opened his arms and lifted her up, swinging her around in a circle and hugging her tight before setting her on the floor. "You made it!" She smiled. "We made it! We did it! We....We made it!" She laughed, but Paul didn't share the same joy. Instead, a new melody was being hummed. He let go of Emma and turned to face her. 

_"Emma, I'm sorry you lost..."_

 


	18. I Just Wanted It To Be You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter while I was at school and it is a fucking mess.  
> Update: Continued writing this 3 days later at home :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AKA further proof J knows the TGWDLM script off by heart.   
> in other words:  
> Alternate title: J's TGWDLM Trivia In A Sad Paragraph. 
> 
> oh yeah SYPF is 18 now, it can legally buy alcohol now.   
> Update:  
> it's literally just a recap from chapters 1-18 and I can't remember my own book how bad is that-

_"I'm sorry you lost."_ No. They'd come so far and he'd given up? Why? She felt numb. She wrestled herself out of Paul's grasp and looked at him. Determined to not let PEIP take him away this time, she grabbed Paul's forearm and dragged him into her separate room.  _"What if I told you I made it? That this is the life that I chose. Would you even believe me, Emma? Do you believe in ghosts?"_ He sang as Emma pushed him on to her bed and grabbed Misha protectively. As the song came to it's end, Paul suddenly stared into space. Emma, shaking, backed into the wall. Almost as if something had snapped, Paul looked at Emma, and then away again. 

"Why would you do that?" Emma asked, fury visible within the tone of her voice. 

"I-"

"No, Paul! I don't want a fucking explanation! I want to know why you're...you're whatever you are!" She shouted as Misha began to wake up. 

"Please, Emma you have to understand." Paul said as tears welled up in his eyes. 

"Understand what?! Why my fiance is fucking infected meaning he's dead meaning he has left his girlfriend and baby and goddaughter and friends behind. Is that what you're trying to say, Paul? Is that what you want me to understand?!" 

"It wasn't my choice!" He choked out. "It wasn't my choice Emma!" He said as a tear fell down his face. "They wouldn't let me out of testing, I begged for them to get it to stop and-and then they came out with this syringe full of the spores and they kept saying "hey let's up the dose!" and now I can't control my singing!" Paul's voice was shaking. But Emma had to ask a question. She shielded Misha from his view. 

"How do I know you're my Paul." She said, indefinitely, her voice still unsure. He took a deep breathe and looked at her. 

"You're...you're name is Emma Jane Perkins. You're middle name originates from your mother and your sister. We...we met in Beanies in Hatchetfield, New York. Our first encounter was Brigadoon in 2002 at Hatchetfield High because Sycamore didn't have a theatre department. And-and-you fell in love with me during the first a-a-" he had to stop himself, feeling the familiar feeling of a song tickling the back of his throat. "I can't say the word or I'll burst in to song. And you thought I was gone then...and then Alice shot everyone and I took you to my place as it was safer there and you had a panic attack and you threw up and I had-I found Alice talking to you on my bed and we asked each other out over text which is really fucking pathetic I could have done better but...you were okay. And you were shaking, and as a team effort I helped you in to one of my shirts, and we stayed at that place for a while and-and we got engaged because you knew I was a shit liar so I was coming up with lame excuses and I just pulled the ring from behind my back. And when we found out you were pregnant with Misha, you refused to let me see you unwell, but I was persistent. And you were scared, I was scared but we got through it. And then Alice rang me because Clivesdale High was quarantined and-I had to bolt and-we broke up and-" he could see Emma wince at the memory. "And....you left the house and I had to chase after you and we got back together and you wanted to explain. And then me and Ally had a fight and you saved her life and...and then..." More tears began to rush down his face as he looked down. "I'm sorry....and uh, then Misha was born a few days ago and...now we're here." He said, daring not to even such as give Emma half a glance. He was a member of the infected now, some sort of awful cult. And boy did it hurt. In fact, hurt was an understatement. It killed him. He wasn't even fully infected which had lead him to wanting to give in multiple times, just to stop this awful pain. But he didn't. Because he had a fiancee and a baby. "We planned to get married on October 31st 2019 because, well, it's what your sister had always dreamt because apparently you were some sort of Halloween obsessed kid and you wanted a dog and we were going to have at least 4 kids and-"

"It's you....isn't it?" her voice was soft. A voice that soft spoken by someone so strong was oxymoronic. And it was frightening. So, sadly, he nodded. He wanted her to be happy. She quick walked over to him as her face crumpled and she began to cry. Still holding Misha, she pulled Paul into a hug, the two crying. Paul gently held her, unsure if he'd hurt her. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you honey-"

"Hey...." Paul's attempt at smiling failed as he pulled away. "I wouldn't believe you if I was in your shoes either."

"We can't let PEIP find you I-I need you Misha needs you Alice!-"

"Emma...listen to me okay? As long as I stay away from PEIP, hopefully the spores will start dying."

"What if you die too?" She asked, her eyes wide with fear. Paul bit the inside of his lip. 

"We'll approach that hurdle when we come to jump it." 


	19. Have You Ever Felt So Terrified?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...  
> if i put TW: Murdering Of A Child will I get arrested???  
> okay:  
> TW: Murder, death, destruction, stabbing, this chapter has almost made me cry 4 times (update, I have almost cried 4 times and cried exactly once and only once.) and it's taken me like 4 hours to write so..,yah.   
> -  
> why the fuck is this chapter so dark-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SONGS LISTED IN THIS CHAPTER!!!!!!!!:  
> Sometimes It Rains In LA: The Vamps (infected!Emma)  
> Waves: The Vamps (semi infected!Paul)

"Happy birthday." Paul noted as him and Emma sat on"I  Emma's bed. Misha was asleep in her crib. Emma suddenly looked up, her eyes full of hope. Paul placed a hand on her knee. "I know it's a terrible way to celebrate your birthday but...." His voice droned off. Emma turned and put her hands on his shoulders. 

"Hey, honey, it's okay. Just you being here with me and Mish, that's enough."

"But I wanted to get you something..."

"Hey...Paul, it's okay." She said as she slowly pulled him into a hug. "I love you, okay? I don't care if you got me anything or not. I just...I just..." She sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"Emma....talk to me." He said, remaining in the hug.

"It's just...when I met you...I thought I finally had a chance with a guy who didn't judge me, who didn't try to change me. Who wanted to be with me just for me. But....with everything's that happened my.....my birthday gift off you is...." She went silent causing Paul to pull away. He tilted his head to look at her. She bit the inside of her lip and took a deep breathe. "I can't do this anymore. I can't survive without you, Paul. I need you. Misha needs her dad. Her dad fully healed. I don't know how long you're going to be infected for, I can't keep hiding you Paul just-" She didn't look at him again. "I need you as you. And if I can't have you then....for my birthday I want to join you and your hivemind of yours-"

"No!" Paul said in return. "I will give you anything but that!"

"Why!" She whined. "Paul please!" She said, finally facing him. "Please honey. Let me join you. We can be at peace yet again. We can be happy. Don't you want that? What do you want Paul? Wasn't it...something you pine for? Wasn't I...the something you pined for?" She said, suddenly pressing her hands on Paul's chest. "Just sing it, babe. Don't resist. Just let it out-" Paul snapped away from her, pushing her off of him and standing by the door. "Paul, there's no point trying to run. Do you want them to continue the hideous torture you ran from in the first place? Come on Paul. Sing it. How did it go?" She opened her mouth to sing and Paul winced, already shutting his eyes and backing into the door.  _"Emma, let me puke in your mouth, Em. Just open your food bin girl."_ She sang on key and in time. His heart beat was mimicking the song now. The rhythm. It was calling him. He started to fight, to regain control of his own body. He could hardly breathe. Sweat began to slide down his forehead as Emma, yet again, approached him. 

"K-Keep away from me!" He stuttered. "You aren't Emma!" 

"Oh, but I am, Pauls. I'm your Emma. Isn't this what you want? For me to be happy?"

"No!" He said, it becoming increasingly harder to fight back. "No it's not what I want!"

"Then tell me what you want, Paulkins. Tell me." She said as she slammed her hands against his chest, pressing him against the door, no escape. His breathing was starting to mimick the rhythm too. And then suddenly she let go of his chest and put one hand by his side to pin him in place, pressing herself against him.  _"Every time I try to make sense of our love it makes me cry and I see clouds up above-"_ Paul pushed her away from him and ran to the other side of the room to Misha's crib. This wasn't Emma. Who was she?! He grabbed Misha, waking her up. Misha could sense something was wrong, even at the age of 6 days old, and held on to her dad's shirt tightly. Paul hid Misha from...Emma? _"It ain't no lie, even my best ain't good enough so let the feeling flow."_ She continued to sing as she made a horrible attempt at snatching Misha from Paul's grasp. He jumped on the bed, a game of cat-and-mouse forming, but it was between a couple of 30 year olds and one 6 day old. " _When you're dressed up very nice but you know there's trouble in_ paradise. _When you think you got it right but your G and T came without the ice. When you feel like you're the boss but the 9 to 5's too obvious. I ain't complaining just saying...sometimes it rains in LA. It can't be perfect every day. Cloudy with chances of hard rain. The skies were bluer yesterday. When you're screaming and you slam the door. And you tell me that you need no more. Better know it'll all be okay. Sometimes it rains in L.A!"_ She continued to sing as she made another effort to snatch Misha, but Paul was quick. He jumped off the bed and ran behind the desk that temporarily blocked Emma from approaching him.  _"It looks like you'd arrived and I'm soaked through to my brain but that's alright. Won't let it drive me insane. Take my advice, coming inside in the pouring rain and let your feelings go."_ She said, twirling around the room. This hurt to see this happen. Adrenaline was the only thing preventing him from running out the door. Again, the twirling. She looked so elegant. So  _peaceful..._ but she wasn't human. Just...like him....how was she infected?! " _When you're dressed up very nice but you know there's trouble in paradise. When you think you got it right but your G and T came without the ice. When you feel like you're the boss but the 9 to 5's too obvious. I ain't complaining just saying...sometimes it rains in LA. It can't be perfect every day. Cloudy with chances of hard rain. The skies were bluer yesterday. When you're screaming and you slam the door. And you tell me that you need no more. Better know it'll all be okay. Sometimes it rains in L.A!"_ She sang again, slamming her hands down on the desk, causing Paul to bolt around the sides of it. He ran over to the left wall, to which the bathroom was placed. He could make a temporary getaway if she left him alone for just those few moments. _"I don't give a fuck so I'ma gonna strut when the rain falls down people gonna look and pictures get took but I'm alright now.  I don't give a fuck so I'ma gonna strut when the rain falls down people gonna look and pictures get took. Sometimes it rains in L.A. Oh no no no, we can't be perfect every day."_ As she looked away from him to continue her dance sequence, he bolted into the bathroom, Misha still against his chest, as he locked the door. He slid so his back was against one side of the door. He could hear her fingernails tapping a beat. A beat he knew all too well. A beat that partnered with the lyrics  **something you pine for**. " _Sometimes it rains in L.A. It can't be perfect every day. Cloudy with chances of hard rain. The skies were bluer yesterday. When you're screaming and you slam the door. And you tell me you need no more. Better know it'll all be okay. Sometimes it rains in L.A. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it rains in L.A."_ And the melody came to an abrupt halt. While hers ended, his started. And he couldn't hold back. He held Misha in his arms as he tipped his head back so it was resting against the door. In his other hand, he held his phone. It wasn't any use, but he thought...he thought Misha may be fascinated by the different colours of images once taken by him to distract her from the unsettling tune spewing from his mouth. 

He let the words slip as he adjusted the position he held Misha in, beginning to scroll through the folder he had labelled "Your Past and Our Future." Made for Misha. 

" _My hands are shaking holding photos taken. And I wanna get you out of my head. I'm bruised and broken by the words I've spoken and there's not much of me left_." He sang as tears welled in his eyes. The images of him and Emma blurred into blobs of colour with no meaning. He let the tears fall. He was crying. He was crying for himself, for Emma, for Misha. For the little bundle of hope in his arms who was innocent and deserved a life with happiness...and not with two infected aliens. One who couldn't control herself, one who could control himself.  _"The cold in my bones I feel it in any weather. Ghosts in my home. They leave cause they can find much better. Lo and behold, I'm on my own. With only myself to blame."_ More tears fell as his vision began to clear. The pictures were dating back to last year now, and how happy they were in Clivesdale in the midst of an apocalypse, Alice in front of them, in a selfie format. " _'Cause I'm a fool. I let you down, I let you down. I made waves and I'm ashamed this all for you. I let you down, I messed around. I made waves, my mistakes yeah."_ He said as Misha, still sensitive to the new pictures, tilted her head to the side as she looked at the colours. Paul smiled softly at is baby's reaction. He was now just crying for Emma. It was true. He had sworn to protect her from this horrid disease, and he made the mistake of stepping back into the ward to see her. To see his family. And that was just yesterday. And he'd let her down. Because now she was one of them. One of them alongside him. And it hurt. " _I know I'm not perfect and I know you're hurting. I'm sorry I wasn't there. When I call in the morning without any warning I'll say all the things I should've said."_ He swiped. And there they were. His and Emma's engagement pictures that Alice took. She looked so happy. Of course she did. And he knew, just outside this bathroom door, she wasn't his Emma. A carbon copy, quite possibly, but definitely not the Emma who had cried into his shoulder, regardless of who he was. Who'd agreed to dating him over text. Who'd been too afraid to tell him she was pregnant. No. That wasn't his Emma. It was a plastic model in his fiancees body. And therefore, he was crying for her. " _The cold in my bones I feel it in any weather. Ghosts in my home. They leave cause they can find much better. Lo and behold, I'm on my own with only myself to blame. Cause I'm a fool. I let you down, I let you down. I made waves, and I'm ashamed this is all for you. I let you down, I messed around. I made waves, my mistakes, yeah."_ He kept scrolling as he heard the tapping become a pounding on the door, scratches accompanying her rhythm.  **Something you pine for. Maybe someone who keeps you lusted. Something you pine for. Maybe someone who keeps you lusted.** _"So can't we go back, can't we go back? To when nothing really mattered at all. So can't we go back, can't we go back, yeah. Cause I'm a fool. I let you down, I let you down. I made waves, and I'm ashamed this all for you. I let you down, I messed around and made waves, my mistakes. I'm a fool. I let you down, I let you down. I made waves, and I'm ashamed this all for you. I let you down, I messed around. I made waves, my mistakes, yeah. I made waves. All for you. I let you down."_ And then suddenly he fell backwards, his brain taking a few minutes to register the door had been unlocked and was open. Standing above him, Emma peered down, a devilish smirk on her face. He scrambled and backed into a wall, keeping Misha safe all the time. 

"It's what I want for my birthday. It would make me the happiest girl alive. And do you know what else would make me the happiest girl alive?" Paul didn't answer. Quite frankly, he was scared to. "ANSWER ME!" She shouted at him. Still, no reply. This wasn't Emma. She won't hurt you, he told himself. And boy was he wrong. "Fine." She said, turning on her heel and beginning to walk away. He sighed a sigh of relief. But he was too late. It all happened so quickly. She lurched towards him, ripping Misha from his arms. 

"DON'T YOU DARE HURT HER!" He shouted, standing up, but remaining in his security zone. And then he saw it. She lay Misha on the table. The position Emma was in indicated she was going to tickle Misha. Misha looked up at Emma and Paul's heart hammered viciously in his chest. But when the scissors plunged into Misha's stomach, not once, not twice, but sixteen times Paul counted, Paul was left stunned. His baby was dead. Because of Emma. Just seconds ago she was looking at pictures of her mom and now...now that same mom had killed her.  _Killed her._ And the first thought he had after was he or Emma would die next. And how, if he survived, he'd have to plan the grave stone. 

**Here lies Misha Eleanor Matthews, born 6 days prior to her death.**

**Born to Paul Matthews and Who-Was-Emma Perkins.**

**She will be missed.**

"That's what I wanted for my birthday." She smiled as she placed the bloodied scissors besides the lifeless baby on the table. Paul snapped out of his mini trance to look back at her. Big mistake. "But I'm not finished." And from her pocket she wielded a knife. And she ran towards Paul. But Paul wasn't quick enough. The sharp pain in his chest as blue seeped on to his shirt. He clutched his chest as his legs gave way. 

"Why...Why would you do this?" He coughed, remaining to look at her in the eyes. 

"Because...I'm the something you pine for!" And she made another lurch to him. But everything went black before then....

* * *

 

Paul woke up coughing as he sat bolt upright. His first instinct was to look at his chest. No puncture wound. No blue blood. He was shaking a horrendous amount. His coughing eased as the door clicked open. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling his shirt sticking to him. Peering around the room, no white was in sight. The walls were of a pale beige colour, the carpet following the same theme. The bed sheets were of a dark green and black theme. Nothing was white. Except the robe Emma was wearing. Emma. Emma, who was at the door, Emma. "Paul?" She asked as she rushed towards him. "I heard you screaming again sweetheart." She said as she sat on the other side of the bed. "I wanted to let you have a lie in..." Paul nodded, still shaking. "A nightmare again?" She asked, crossing her arms across her chest and turning to face him. He nodded. "Wanna talk about it?" He didn't want to trouble Emma with what he saw, so he simply shook his head. "That's okay. Do you want a hug?" Paul nodded so Emma carefully pulled him into a hug. This was his Emma. "You have therapy at 3PM later remember?" Shit. Paul had forgotten about that, but the reminder eased his anxiety a slight amount. 

"Emma...I had  _that_ nightmare again. You know...Misha...dead..." Emma instantly tightened her grip. 

"Hey. We're not infected. You were cured a year ago. Misha's two now, remember? And we're gonna have another baby in 6 months. We're okay, Paul. We're okay." She said, holding her hand up to his view. Her engagement ring. "And we get married in roughly a year, remember?" He nodded slowly. Of course. How could he forget? Everything was okay. "It's not coming back, alright?"

"Alright."

"Misha's downstairs, if that's what you're wondering." He nodded. "Will you be wanting breakfast this morrow, good sir?" He laughed lightly. She always knew how to put a smile on his face. 

"Stop pretending you're British, Em. But yeah. I'll just have some toast." Emma smiled. 

"Okay. I'll see you in a few minutes?" Paul nodded as she kissed him softly. "I love you, Pauls."

"I love you back, Em." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha cliche??? bitch who she:??? i only know having writers block and then going "LETS FUCKING KILL THE BABY," Regretting your decision and then pulling one of those "and then I woke up" things. ANyways, very excited to see where this goes because I know where it' going, you don't. And yeah, I did cry.   
> -  
> WORDCOUNT WAS 2,770 SO VINDICATION


	20. Stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma gets stressed.

When Paul came downstairs, Emma was by the toaster, preparing the two's toast. Misha had already had her breakfast. "Dada!" Misha chirped as she clapped her hands. Emma spun around, smiling. She could already see the instant relief on Paul's face. Emma remained stood in her white robe, a hand placed across her stomach. 

"Hi, sweetie." Paul said as he kissed Misha's cheek before walking over to Emma. "Morning, love." Emma looked up, kissing him softly. As she turned back around, he wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her right shoulder. She looked behind her to see him smiling. She planted another kiss on his cheek as she grabbed two plates. "How are you feeling today Em?" He asked, still not moving. 

"I heard you screaming, panicked, Misha cried because of the screaming, I was stressed because she wouldn't calm down, but I'm okay now."

"And baby?" 

"Baby number two is doing just fine." She smiled as she put the toast on the plates. Paul remained in the same position, not wanting to let go, almost like if he did everything would crumble a part and everything would go wrong. "Honey you need to let go now."

"I don't want to." He admitted.

"Hey." She said softly, being unable to face him. "Everything's okay sweetie. It's gone. We're safe. Me, you, Misha and Baby number 2. Sweetie. We're okay." He smiled softly, slowly removing his arms from her waist. She grabbed their plates and carried them to the table. Misha pointed. 

"Toast." She declared. Paul smiled and took his seat, opposite Emma, so Misha was in the middle of the two of them. 

"Yes honey. This is mine and dada's breakfast. You've already had yours."

"Toast." She repeated. 

"No, Misha, you aren't having toast yet. You can have it later?"

"Toast."

"I think she just likes saying the word, Em." Paul said, tucking his chair in, under the table. 

"I guess. Misha? Do you want to be a big girl and tell dad what you had for breakfast." Misha tilted her head to look at Emma, blinking a few times before raising her arms in the air. 

"Apple!" She smiled. Paul smiled too, beginning to eat his toast. Once the two had finished, Misha made grabby hands towards Paul. He stood up and carried his plate to the sink, placing it in gently, before lifting Misha out of her high-chair. She wrapped her arms around Paul's neck, her legs around his chest. "Daddy." She said, burying her head into Paul's neck.

"Yeah. Daddy." Paul repeated, adjusting his placement of his hands on his daughter's body. Emma smiled, her chin resting on the palm of her hand, her elbow on the table, admiring the pretty view of her wonderful fiance being a wonderful father. "Do we need to do anything today Emma?"

"Well, you have therapy at 3."

"Oh shit I do."

"Don't swear in front of the baby." Emma joked as she slowly raised from the table. "But apart from that, no. No we don't." He nodded. 

"When's your next ultrasound, honey?" He asked, sitting on the kitchen counter. 

"Next week." Paul nodded again. "Do you want to go to that one?" He nodded. "Get down from the counter, you dork."

"Why?" He asked as he slowly pushed himself off. She cupped his face with one hand and kissed him softly. 

"That's why." A faint blush dusted Paul's cheeks. "Honey? You're blushing." She noted.

"Yeah...that checks out." He smiled softly. "Put the plates in the dishwasher, I'll be in the front room." He explained, Misha fidgeting in his grasp. "Come on Misha, it's okay. What do you wanna do?" He asked her. She started wriggling, so he put her down on the floor. She crawled over to her toy chest and pulled out a doll.

"Auntie Alice." She said as she sat down on the floor, beginning to play with it. Paul folded his arms, smiling as Emma soon joined him. 

"Are you okay now, Paul?" She asked, placing a hand on his bicep. He nodded. 

"Yeah. Yeah I am." And finally they were happy, in Colorado, Emma starting her floral business from home and Paul going back to a local chain of CCRP with Ted, Melissa, Charlotte and Bill. Everything was perfect.  **Everything. Was. Perfect.** But the key word is "was," and their world was soon rocked pretty hard. 


	21. Mama: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misha gets very upset.

Being a two year old wasn't easy. Especially when Misha only knew a variety of simple words, her favourite being "mama" and "dada" and "toast." She was yet to start forming full sentenand ces, and she was often restricted to crawling instead of walking. But she knew one thing. She was happy. She enjoyed her new life with her Auntie Alice and Auntie Deb, as well as mama and dada and Uncle Bill and Auntie Charlotte and cousin Courtney. But there was something mysterious going on with this little girl. She knew what it was. If only she could warn the others. 

* * *

"Mma I'll sort her out." Paul yawned, slowly waking up to the sound of his baby crying. "Go back to sleep." He said kissing Emma's forehead and walking into Misha's room. "Hey sweetie it's okay."

"Mama-" She cried, punching Paul's chest. 

"Misha, stop punching me." He sighed, too tired for this. 

"Mama!" She shouted, continuing to become more violent whilst being handled by Paul. He sighed and walked into their room, Misha flailing in Paul's grasp, wailing louder and louder, waking Emma up. "Mama..." She whimpered as she held her hands out to Emma. Emma slowly took Misha off of Paul, immediately thinking something weird was going on. Misha loved being held by her dad. Misha kept glancing back to her dad, wailing every time she did. 

"Hey, Misha? That's your daddy." Emma said, confused and concerned. 

"Not my daddy!" She wailed. Paul, understandably, was extremely hurt. 

"Paul? Can you step outside? Just why I calm her down?" He nodded sadly and stepped outside, closing the door. That's when he got a call from Alice. 

* * *

Alice woke up in a cold sweat beside Deb. The dream she just had was....too realistic. She moved Deb's arm off of her and got off the bed, reaching for the phone. "Where you goin' doll?" Deb murmured. 

"I'll be back soon. I've gotta just ring my uncle." She said, kissing Deb's nose. Seeing Deb smile was enough as she made her exit and hit ring. 

* * *

_Her dream started off happy. It was her, Emma and Misha at a Starbucks, Paul going up to order, when there was a bang outside. Paul looked to the glass to see people freezing in time outside, paralysed by shock. He ordered and bought the drinks over. Emma had confusion in her eyes and passed Misha to Alice. She walked outside. One shot, two shot, three shots, four. A familiar grey haired figure by the name of Henry Hidgens came around the corner and entered the store carrying a body. Her body. Emma's unconscious body. Blue blood dripped down from Hidgens' mouth. "Sometimes it rains in L.A..." he sang, dropping Emma's body to the floor, wielding the gun yet again and pointing it at Paul. Paul then Alice. But something stopped Hidgens from shooting. One of the baristas was on the phone to the cops by now. As Hidgens approached Paul, he pulled a pair of scissors from his sleeve and stabbed it into Paul's arm. Misha squirmed into Alice's chest, hiding herself as much as she could, but it wasn't that easy. Blue blood seeped from the wound on Paul's arm. Blue. Paul was infected still. Paul looked at the cut on his shoulder, the rising and falling of his chest quickening. He turned to Hidgens. "You killed Emma you ruthless bastard." Paul laughed shakily. "YOU KILLED HER!" Misha whimpered against Alice's shirt. She wrapped the pink cardi around the toddler to hide her, which succeeded. And Alice could do nothing but watch as the rest of the store rose from their seats. "It's inevitable for us. It's inevitable for you."_

* * *

"Hello?" 

Alice sighed a sigh of relief after hearing her uncle pick up the phone. "Hey Uncle Paul, uh...this is...I had a dream and I'm scared it's true."

"Alright Ally, care to explain to me what it was about?"

"Uh yeah...so basically it was me, Emma, Misha and you in Starbucks. There was a bang. Emma walked outside. Gunshots, Emma died. And then you were infected again and...I don't know it seemed so realistic."

"Well I mean, Misha no longer wants to be around me." Paul spoke. 

"Why?"

"I don't know. She just woke up crying. I went to calm her down, like I usually do, and she was screaming and punching me and has only just calmed down with me outside our bedroom."

"I'm sorry, Uncle Paul."

"Hey. She's probably just going through a phase. How's your dad?"

"He's still adjusting to life. He spends a lot of time at work still, but that's okay."

"Yeah, that sounds like Bill." Even though this was a voice call, Alice could hear Paul's smile, triggering her to smile too. "Listen, you should probably go back to sleep."

"Yeah...but I miss you."

"I miss you too Ally. Hey. If we aren't busy tomorrow, shall we come and see you? Me, Misha and Emma? Go and see you, Bill and Deb?"

"I'd like that. I'd like that a lo-" A crash came from the other side of the phone and Alice furrowed her eyebrows. "Uncle Paul?" 

"Change of plans....we'll have to rearrange because...your dream was right. It's blue." And he hung up without another word. 

* * *

"Paul?" Emma called as she placed Misha on her crib, running down the stairs to find Paul glancing at a cut on his arm. Her eyes widened. 

"Misha was right. I'm not her daddy. Because...." He couldn't bear to see her reaction as he held up his arm to Emma's view. "And we were supposed to be happy and my blood's fucking blue. I guess...I guess once you're infected, you're never truly cured..."

"So...So Paul what...what about everyone else?" He looked at her as his next twitched.  

"Barricade yourself. Barricade yourself now I can't fight it!" He said, his tone become ever more melodic as time progressed. And Emma noticed. She ran back up the stairs, Paul hot on her tail. She slammed the door shut in Misha's room. The time was 2:43, and Paul Matthews was gone. Misha looked up at her mom. 

"Dada?" She asked softly. Emma shook her head. 

"That's not your daddy."

 

 

 

 


	22. Settling Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You the devil in the sky, oh yes you are" - Tiktok, speaking about the author of Something You Pine For  
> -  
> Misha knows more than what she lets on. AKA things become more complicated as time progresses. AKA this chapter is secretly a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Stabbing.......again., smashing someone's SKULL IN WITH A FUCKING HAMMER.   
> -  
> update: we're on hour 6 writing this book and it got semi-smutty, but not really.

"Daddy!" Misha insisted, squirming in Emma's grasp. 

"Shh baby shhh..." Emma tried, holding on to Misha tighter, attempting to calm her down, but she only squirmed more. Misha let out a wail and began crying. 

 _"Emma, let me in, honey."_ "Paul" sang. 

"Daddy!" Misha wailed. "Daddy daddy daddy!" She kept repeating, beginning to punch Emma. Emma set her daughter on the ground, but to her surprise, Misha backed away from the door. She sat on the floor, feet in front of her and pointed to Emma's stomach. "Bye bye." She said. Emma furrowed her eyebrows and stared at Misha, confused just as the door came crashing down. Emma screeched and grabbed Misha, holding her tighter. "Mama. Bye Bye. Baby. Bye Bye." Misha smiled innocently. Emma turned around to see Paul, well, "Paul" wielding a shard of glass. 

"No..." Emma said, startled, beginning to back into the wall. 

"Night night mama." Misha said, kissing Emma's cheek. All the while, "Paul" continued approaching. He got close to her face and she saw her Paul inside of this monster. 

"Wake up, Emma." He said, before a sharp pain flooded her stomach. 

* * *

Emma gasped awake, coughing, unable to regain her breathe. "Miss Perkins appears to be awake, General." A sweet female voice spoke. Silence. Footsteps. Emma began struggling in whatever she was held in, her vision blurring. A chair scraped against the floor as Emma screamed slightly. 

"Miss Perkins?" A deeper voice spoke. Emma stopped struggling, her breathing irregular. As she opened her eyes again, all she saw was white walls. She was in a bed, not tied up to anything, an oxygen mask placed upon her face. She was free. Immediately she sat up, but the blonde put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Miss Perkins, my name is General John McNamara and I work with the US Army branch called PEIP." Emma slowly removed the oxygen mask and looked at the soldier army person, equipped in a full black uniform. "Congratulations. You survived the Hatchetfield Catastrophe of 2018, otherwise known as the apotheosis-" Emma twitched at the mention of the "A" word. "Noted." He said, gruffly. 

"Um-Mr McNamara...did-was I the only-"

"You have questions?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "I will answer the best I can." He said, folding his arms against his chest. 

"Uh....what's the date?"

"The current date as of today is August 1st 2018."  _2018...._

"Where am I currently?"

"PEIP's private facility located in Jamestown, Clivesdale, New York." 

"Did...did Paul Matthews survive?" She asked, internally cursing herself at the question. 

"Mr Paul Matthews survived the explosion of the meteor and has been closely monitored since. He is currently located at Shelby Avenue, House 48A in Stephton, Clivesdale, New York. Would you like me to attempt to get in touch with Paul Matthews, who is currently located at Shel-"

"Yes."

* * *

Paul sat on the couch, still thinking about the previous events that happened 4 days ago...

_"If those things get you they'll turn you into one of them and make them do everything you hate! So don't you let 'em." Emma Perkins said, a serious expression plastered against her face. "Don't worry, Emma." Paul smiled back then. He is in the moment. Her words plastered against his brain. "I DON'T LIKE MUSICALS!" Paul shouted, throwing the grenade at the meteor. He had to survive. He had to survive..._

And he had survived. He'd survived the blast. Sure, his hand twitched occasionally due to the excessive scarring from the grenade, and he had a few minor burns on the right side of his face, but excluding that, he was okay. He was okay  _physically._ He'd been taken to PEIP's private facility and given a quick checkup, before he was given the all clear. However, Emma had fallen asleep and hadn't woken up. But she was alive. 

"So Mr Matthews, you will be able to keep your own identities." A backpack was thrusted into his arms. It was black in colour. "Inside of this bag is your security details, your new house keys, and $500,000. According to your recent history concerning Miss Emma Perkins, PEIP made the collective decision to relocate you together."

"Uh...English, please?" Paul asked, feeling slightly rude that he had to ask for an easier translation. The Colonel nodded. 

"Inside the bag is your new security details and a large amount of money you can use to redecorate and do things like that. From our current beliefs and close analysis, PEIP as a collective, have made the decision to situate you and Miss Emma Perkins in the same house, therefore you will be able to further your relationship with one another."

"Oh-Emma doesn't like me like that...."

"Well, you'll have to find that out on your own. It's not our decision to say. Now it is my duty to escort you to your new home." Paul nodded, straightening his posture and walking to the Jeep, following Colonel Schaffer. He threw his bag that contained his entire life in the back, climbing in, melting into the car seats. They sat in silence, a comforting silence, on the drive to Paul's new life. He took a deep breathe as they pulled up to the house. Upon further inspection, they were in the middle of a forest in a quaint cottage, that was easy on the eye. They had a small porch, and the bricks were brown, but it was a very pretty scene. "Please inform Miss Perkins when she arrives you two share a few acres of land between the two of you." Schaffer winked as she got back in the Jeep. He began to explore the house. As he pushed the door open, he was immediately welcomed with the scent of  _ **Pine.**_ (that...that was unintentional but-.) Seeing as they were surrounded by pine  _trees_ it made sense. The carpet was a beige, and the walls were a pale green. The house had the same familiar scenery as Beanies did. Home. Inside the garage were two small cars, one black and one red. And then, on the coffee table, was information on the two of them. 

_Paul Matthews: Aged 30, brunette, caucasian,_

_blue eyes, pale, 6 1/2", skilled in IT and English analysis. Often wears suits for work, even if there is the option not to, size fittings enclosed here:_

_Emma Perkins: Aged 30, brunette, latina, hazel eyes, previously worked as an underpaid barista, skilled in Biology. Wears comfortable clothes to lounge in and flats. Size fittings enclosed here:_

So Paul slept, and slept, and slept, and slept...always waiting by the phone. Praying for the call from PEIP that was Emma had woken up. So there he was, sat on the couch, his phone ringing. "Hello?" He said, already standing up and putting his coat on. 

_"Good afternoon, Mr Matthews. This call is to inform you Miss Emma Perkins has just awoken and has requested to see you."_

Paul smiled widely. "Thank you. I'm on my way." he said, hanging up and punching in the coordinates into his satnav. And immediately he was on his way. 

* * *

Emma felt the shooting pain in her leg as the memory flooded back to her. The helicopter crash. How she could have lost Paul. The singing. The dancing. The coma-infused nightmare she had. She couldn't stop the tears as she lay back down, curling her legs up top her chest the best she could. She slowly choked out soft sobs, scared to even dare to shut her eyes. And then the door clicked open. Emma didn't look up, too zoned out to hear the click. 

Paul had only just arrived at the facility, and he was lead to Emma's room. Immediately, he was greeted with her crying. He rushed to her bedside, gently nudging her back seeing as she was turned away from him. Slowly she turned her head. Her sobbing became louder and quicker as she saw Paul. "Paul..." She cried. He smiled sadly. She reached her arms out to him and grabbed a hold of his arms. Her breathing slowed down as she slowly stopped crying. "Squidge up." He said, so she slowly moved over allowing him to lie down next to her. Immediately, she wrapped her arms around him like she did in the dream, like she did in her fantasy relationship. Paul felt...confused. 

"Emma?" He asked. Immediately she let go as more tears filled her eyes. 

"I'm sorry..." She sniffed. 

"No! No don't be sorry." He smiled softly. That smile. The one she so desperately needed. She turned away from him, burying her face in her hands. "Do you wanna talk about it?" She nodded, still not facing her. 

"I-I had a dream and it was that you got infected and you tried to kill me and Alice was there and...and you took me in and we started dating and we had a kid and we got engaged and we had a family and it's all I've ever wanted with you and fuck I've only known you properly for 24 hours and I let myself fall head over heels and suddenly I'm dreaming about our future and it was so realistic and everything I've ever wanted and I'm just heartbroken and it  _hurts_ Paul." She sobbed. Paul bit the inside of his lip and shuffled closer to her, her back now pressed against his stomach. He wrapped an arm over her stomach. She instinctively grabbed a hold of him, feeling safe. Feeling secure. He kissed her cheek, which took her by surprise. She turned her head around to look at him. 

"I'm no prince, my mostly skilled subject area is in IT or analysis. And to me....to me you were a princess. Someone far out of my league. And for me to hear you dreamt of us starting a family together...it almost felt surreal. It still does seeing as the event happened seconds ago. I know we haven't properly known each other for that long...but I'm willing to get to know you enough so we are comfortable with taking the next step." She rolled back over and pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you, Paul."

"I would do anything for you, Emma." He said, slowly brushing the hair from her eyes. 

"So. Mr Matthews. Are you willing to escort Miss Perkins home?" Paul nodded at General McNamara. He set a pair of crutches down beside the best before turning on his heel and leaving the room. 

* * *

Emma had to admit, sitting beside Paul after he'd kissed her cheek and then denied they were in a relationship confused her, but she understood. They didn't know each other properly yet to take that next step, and she understood. She hobbled inside, relying on her crutches to get her there as she sat on the sofa. Paul sat next to her. She was insanely gorgeous. And she loved him, or, at least, liked him more than a friend. More than a mutual. She wanted something more. He sat next to her and she put her hand on his leg. He looked to her. "Can we please get to know each other?" She asked, looking up at him.  _Don't give in, don't give in, don't give in-_ "Please?" She asked, moving slightly closer. 

"Emma I-I don't know I-"

"No. Paul. I get it. I just-sorry that dream's really messed with me."  She said as tears filled her eyes. "From that dream I feel as if I've known you for years and I haven't and-" He cut her off with a gentle kiss. She took a shaky breathe as she cupped his face, kissing back, shutting her eyes, heat filling her body. She felt Paul deepen the kiss.  _He'd given in._ "Safe word?" She whispered. He nodded.

"Clivesdale." And it was Emma's turn to nod. She was carried to the bedroom. He put a pillow under her bad leg to support it. He constantly made sure she wasn't in pain. And she loved it. She loved the kisses, she loved him. A while after, she lay under the duvet, wearing the shirt Paul had been wearing prior to the event. He climbed in next to her. "Tell me about yourself." He said as he placed an arm on Emma's hip. I want to know everything about you." Emma smiled slightly. 

"Well, I have a massive crush on Paul Matthews who I met in Beanies in Hatchetfield the day before the HF Catastrophe of July 2018. My parents hated me, I wasn't the golden child, and the golden child got hit by a car and died 10 years ago leaving me with nothing. So I had to come back from backpacking in Guatemala to my older sister Jane's funeral, and her husband won't let me meet my nieces and nephews but who cares! They're dead!" She laughed, not noticing the tears in her eyes. 

"Oh my god I had no idea." Paul said, wrapping his arms around her, feeling her body rattle with every sob. "Just cry Em it's okay." So she cried harder, not bothering with wiping her tears. 

"My sister was the only one who stood up for me. And when the car crashed into hers, she died instantly upon impact. And she invited me to everything and I was too selfish not to go home, and now her husband is blaming me for her death because she was driving to the airport to go and see me. And he won't let me see my only other relatives and-"

"Shh shh shh it's okay." Paul said, caressing her head. 

"I just want to see the only part of Jane left and I can't..." She choked out as Paul held her tighter. He didn't know this had affected Emma this much. "So I promised myself I wouldn't get attached again and you know what I did? I got attached to you the minute I found out your name, and then I had a dream while I was in some sort of fucking coma for 4 days where it involved seeing the next two years of our future together where we had a kid and I was pregnant with our second kid and I had to watch you-I had to watch your dream in my dream where we were both infected and I ripped our 6 day old from your arms, put her on the table and stabbed her with a pair of medical scissors, I had to watch you become infected again and you stab me in the stomach with a shard of glass and-"

"Shhhh...." He said as he stroked the back of her head, pulling her close to him. Her tears soaked his shirt, but he didn't mind. "I'm real, you're real. We aren't starting a family yet. We can maybe some time in the near future if that's what you'd like! But not now. You're going to be okay." She shook her head. 

"I'm not going to be okay. The apotheosis is gonna come back like it did and take away the ones I love and everything's going to go wrong and you're gong to leave me because I don't deserve to be loved!" She said before resuming her crying habits. 

"No, Emma, no. You've gotten this all wrong. I've liked you since I first lay eyes on you. And I thought, that girl? That girl is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. And here you are. Emma Perkins, you are my everything." She gripped a hold of him tighter. 

"I'm just confused because you say things like that, and we've already had sex and you don't want a relationship with me yet. Paul I don't get it!" She said turning away from him. He gently put a hand on her shoulder, and felt her jump from the sudden touch. 

"Okay, dick move on my part. I'm scared to start a relationship in fear you'll walk out on me. I'm scared of pain, and heartbreak's the worst."

"You can fuckin say that again." She said, her voice having a small comedic lift to it. He smiled. A pause. And then her tiny body was racked by sobs again. He smiled softly. "I'm fine." She insisted. 

"You don't need to lie to me, Emma. We're living in the same house, we have the same feelings for each other, I want to be your boyfriend and I'd like for you to be my girlfriend and-"

"I don't deserve you." She said. Paul smiled. 

"If we're playing this game, I don't deserve you"

"Can we be boyfriend and girlfriend now?" Emma asked hopefully. Paul took a moment before considering it fully. "I don't like that pause Paul, yes or no!" She snapped. 

"Yes! Yes I'd like to be your boyfriend!" he said, flinching slightly. She nodded. 

"Sorry. Hormones. I'm a walking mental breakdown." He kissed her cheek.

"I understand. How about we go to sleep?" Emma nodded. She fell asleep first and then him. He woke up in the middle of the night to tears. 

* * *

_"Paul?" Emma laughed. It was the next morning, but Paul wasn't there. "Paul?" She called again, becoming suspicious. He wasn't next to her. Where was he? "PAUL!"_

_"Hello....Emma..." That voice. No. The tone was melodic. The infection. He still had the infection. He'd lied. He'd manipulated her so she could close enough he had the leeway to kill her._

_"Don't hurt me..." She said, gathering up the sheets and pulling them close to her in an attempt to protect her. His vivid blue eyes could be seen from the other end of the room from the doorway. He swung the mallet over his shoulder and walked towards her. She backed up into the headboard, knowing she was trapped. He tilted her head up, seeing the fright in her eyes, before pushing the mallet against her skull. She heard the ear-splitting crack as the mallet destroyed her skull, her head hitting the wall simultaneously. And then she woke up. In Paul's arms. Safe._

* * *

"Sorry..." She sniffed as he held on to her tighter. "Sorry I just need you to...sing to me..."

"Sing?" He stuttered, completely stunned. "After-"

"Just sing Paul please I need to know it's you!" Paul took a deep breathe. Holding her in his arms, he thought of the first song he could think of, which was We Are Young by Fun (which slaps.) He took a deep breathe. _"Girl give me a second I, I need to get my story straight. My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state. My love she is waiting for me just across the bar and my seat's been taken by some sunglasses asking 'bout a scar and... I know I gave it to you months ago. I know you're trying to forget, but between the drinks and subtle things, the holes in my apologises. You know, I'm trying to take it back._

_So if by the time, the bar closes, and you feel like falling down. I'll carry you home tonight. We are young. So let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun. Tonight. We are young. So let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun._

_Now I know that I'm not all that you got. I guess that I, I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart. But our friends are back, so let's raise a toast. Cause I found someone to carry me home tonight. Tonight. We are young. So let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun. Tonight. We are young. So let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun._

_Carry me home tonight. Just carry me home tonight. Carry me home tonight. Just carry me home tonight. The moon is on my side. I have no reason to run. So will someone come and carry me home tonight, The angels never arrived. But I can hear the choir. So will someone carry me home._

_Tonight. We are young. So let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun. Tonight. We are young. So let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun. So if byt he time, the bar closes. And you feel like falling down. I'll carry you home...."_

"Tonight..." The two sang in unison. Emma looked up at Paul. "Sorry it's stupid I-"

"No. You had a nightmare involving the "A" word and you wanted proof it was still me." She nodded. 

"Sorry."

"Don't be." He said, kissing her cheek. "We'll go and see the doctor and try and get you professionally diagnosed with PTSD and then see where we go from there." She nodded. 

"Sing me to sleep. Please." She demanded, resting her head against his chest. So he hummed the song until she fell asleep. He followed shortly. 

_We can burn brighter than the sun...._

* * *

"Good morning, honey." Emma smiled as she woke up next to a very fluffy-haired Paul. 

"Morning, Emma." he smiled. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"I didn't have another nightmare and I feel less anxious."

"That's good."

"How are you?"

"Tired." Emma laughed gently, kissing him softly. "And you're ready to go to the doctor's office later on today-"

"Paul. I need this diagnosis so I can get the correct therapy. Don't stress." She smiled. 

"If you insist, my love."

"I do insist, boyfriend."

"Be quiet, girlfriend."

"Never." And together, in that moment, they were happy. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	23. Can't Ever Be Too Careful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma gets sp00ked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: PTSD, child abuse  
> -  
> Mr Blim makes a comeback

"I don't want to go!" Emma suddenly screamed as Paul approached the door. Paul turned around. 

"Emma?" Her face became blank, unreadable. The only indication to what emotion she was feeling at all was her watery eyes and her quivering lip. Immediately, his fight response activated. He gently held her knuckles. "Come on honey, let's sit down." He said. She let him guide her. She relied on him strongly. He managed to recover from the incident pretty quickly. Emma didn't...Emma hasn't. He sat her on the couch, and she buried her face in his chest. 

"I-I can't go. I can't-they're gonna hurt me!"

"No, sweetheart, they won't." He said, as he held her tighter, her tiny body shaking. "In the worst case scenario, they'll be the one's getting hurt. If they dare try and hurt you, they'll have to get through a very protective boyfriend of yours." She sobbed harder. "You're going to be okay. I know you've got this massive thing about hospitals because of your dream, and even worse the PEIP facility, but I'm right here. I'm not moving. We'll get you diagnosed and then we can get your medication if that's what's necessary, and then, listen to me Emma-then we will come straight home. I insist." 

"I don't deserve you." She sniffed.

"Don't be ridiculous. Of course you do." He rubbed her back, comfortingly, feeling the shaking come to a sudden standstill. She pushed herself away from him to wipe her tears. 

"Okay. Let's get this over and done with." She said, putting all her weight on her crutches, standing up. "Sorry I'm fucked up and can't go to the fucking doctor's office without having a panic attack." She sighed. To her surprise, she felt Paul wrap an arm around her shoulders, a soft smile seen upon his face. 

"I've said it once and I'll say it again. I'm going to stay by your side, I'm going to help you. Now lets get this diagnosis that you so desperately need." Emma nodded, slowly making her way towards Paul's car. Paul helped her in the seat next to her. Instinctively, she clutched the seat, never fully recovering from the impact of Jane's death. Sure, she did drive, but every time she did, she was extremely tense and extremely shaky. It was slightly better when she  _wasn't_ driving, but either way it was a drive filled with nerves and anxiety. It's also why she refused to drive for anywhere longer than an hour. It used to be 45 minutes, but her confidence grew. Now her confidence had a massive setback and it was back to the original time limit. She'd have to get someone else to drive for her. Being stuck in traffic was a different matter, but if her destination was anywhere over her time limit, someone would have to drive her. But with a bad leg that was healing as quick as someone's leg could heal, she'd have to be driven everywhere. And honestly, she wasn't complaining, She felt Paul shake her arm slightly and she snapped out of her trance. "We're here." He said. She tensed up again, but nodded, waiting for him to assist her inside.  

* * *

"Thank you for seeing us, Mr McNamara." Emma said as she sat down in the chair, averting her eyes instantly to the ground. 

"Not a problem." The blonde smiled. "So if I am correct we are...running tests on Miss Perkins for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, otherwise known as PTSD?"

"That is correct, sir." Emma said, like a child responding to a teacher. She didn't notice how her neck twitched at the mention of 'tests,' but Paul did. 

"So, Miss Perkins, may you begin explaining to me when these symptoms all started?"

"The a-apot-"

"Apotheosis." Paul said, finishing her sentence. The same neck twitch. Paul began making a mental note of all the words that could cause her to stim. 

"That one." Emma said, frustrated she couldn't say the word. 

"May you explain to me what exactly happened for you to feel this way." McNamara asked. Emma scrunched her face up. She knew she'd get asked that question, but prayed they'd avoid it somehow. 

"So um-ugh. If I start crying ignore me."

"Take your time, Miss." McNamara said, jotting things on to the clipboard. Emma took a shaky breathe. 

"So uh...it's not only the apot-apothe-apotheosis that's triggered all of this....I was um...I was heavily abused as a child uh...I wasn't the favourite child. It was made clear. It was my older sister, Jane who was. I asked for something for Christmas, Jane got it. Whatever I wanted, Jane got....and more. Jane was kind though, she always gave the presents I wanted that she got, she gave them to me. Me and her had very separate tastes. She liked pink, I liked blue. She wanted to be a dance, I wanted to be a singer. That kind of thing. So we used to exchange her gifts in my much smaller room. And then we had a pretty big fight because her fiancee had called me a um...a slut, so I packed my bags and went backpacking in Guatemala. Um, and she used to send me invitations, usually out of pure guilt. Wedding invites, birthdays, baby showers...the usual. And I was still too hung up on what her fiancee, now husband had said about me, I always denied it. I always said "hey, I'll catch the next one..." But on May 24th 2013...she decided to buy a ticket to Guatemala to come and see me. And on the way there, on the way to the airport...another driver collided with her. I got the call from her husband that went somewhere along the lines of- _Jane hates you, this is God showing you can't have nice things. Sluts should be eradicated from existence instead of my wife. I hope the next time you're driving you meet the same fate as her. I won't have dirty sluts associated with my children. Good riddance, you whore._ And I haven't heard from him since. I'm not allowed to see my beautiul nieces or nephews. They're called Daisy Emma Scharlton and Reuben Alexander Scharlton. And...it wasn't a first name, but it was enough. And I can't see the part of my sister I so desperately need to see. So when she died, I of course got the blame from my parents. The scars have...yet to fade...so I moved back to Hatchetfield, got a job at Beanies and got a small, cheap apartment. And then the apotheosis happened. And I just saw everyone I loved dying and I thought, he was right. Jane's husband was right. God is showing me I shouldn't have nice things. So when the helicopter crashed, I instantly froze. I thought I was going to end up in the same situation  _as_ Jane. But nope. Just a piece of trusty shrapnel through my leg." She said, patting her bandages, blinking tears away. "And in that time I managed to feel other feelings than friendship towards....Paul...so when he went, I had no idea if he was alive or not. I passed out and woke up in here. In that time, I had a dream where I saw mine and Paul's future, except Paul was still infected. We had a baby and I put her on  the table and stabbed her when she was 6 days old, and then Paul stabbed me while I was pregnant with our second child. And he told me to wake up. And I woke up from my sleep. And....I just...I don't know..."

"You've been having dreams about it?" Emma nodded, still avoiding McNamara's view. 

"She's also been having panic attacks due to certain words, and I don't know if you've noticed, sir, but when she or anyone else says something related to the topic specifically, her neck twitches." Paul added. McNamara nodded. 

"Yes, I do definitely believe Miss Perkins has PTSD. What we can provide her with is therapy and then they can determine if you need to go on antidepressants or not." Paul gently reached for Emma's hand and she took it. 

"Thank you, Mr McNamara." He nodded and looked to Paul's wrist. 

"I see you've invested in a time piece."

* * *

Paul helped Emma inside and she sat on the sofa. She looked as if she had something on her mind. "Are you okay, Em?" He asked her. She pursed her lips before tilting her head to face Paul. 

"You mention...when certain words are spoken...my neck twitches....do you think we could...try and figure out what they are?" Paul was slightly taken a back. He didn't think she'd want to do something this extreme so quickly after her diagnosis. 

"And it would make you feel better?" He asked, sitting on the couch opposite, setting his mug down on the coffee table in the centre of the room. She nodded firmly. 

"Yes." He followed her answer with a nod, getting some paper and a pen. 

"Okay so the plan is, I'll say some words. If you stim, they'll go in the "avoid" column. If you don't stim, they'll go in the "safe to use" column, got it?"

"Got it."

"So I already know that at the mention of testing and the apotheosis, you stim." he said, watching her. His calculations were correct. She twitched.

"Yeah, apparently I do stim...okay keep going."

"Grenade." Stim. (i'm now compelled to add this-) "Chair." Stim. "Chair?" he laughed. Emma glared at him. 

"Don't judge." 

"Okay...noted...."

"That one will get better over time." He nodded again.

"Helicopter." No stim. "Infection." Stim. "Infected." Stim. "Infectious." Stim. "Laboratory." Mild stim. "Gun." Stim. "Stabbing." Stim. "Crash?" Stim. "Water." No stim. "Blood." Stim. "Vomit." Stim. "Slime." Stim. "Blue-" Major stim. "Okay okay time out!" he said, putting the pen down hard on the table as he rushed over to her, her entire body twitching. "Hey. Hey hey hey you're okay." He said as she carefully regained awareness of her surroundings. 

"So we avoid the b word?"

"For definite." She collapsed on to Paul's chest from exhaustion. 

"Thanks for calling quits, I don't think I could have spoken the words." he kissed the top of her head. 

"I know you couldn't. And I didn't want you to suffer." She laughed lightly. 

"Thank you."

"It's okay."

"Is it?"

"Yes. It's always okay."

 

 


	24. I'd Trade My Life For Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma wants her dream to be reality.  
> Paul has a breakdown  
> Paul just being a really good godfather

"I really don't feel like it's okay. Why haven't you left me already?" 

"Leave you?" He asked, cradling her head against his chest.

"As in break up with me. I have PTSD for gods sake and I can't function like a normal human being." She said, her tears had since slowed down, but were still falling. Even then Paul remained with Emma in his grasp. 

"I don't want a normal girlfriend. What's the fun in that? I wanted the underpaid barista who used to throw coffee at my colleagues if they pissed you off!” He felt Emma laugh lightly, muffled slightly by his shirt.

“All your colleagues are annoying, Paul.”

“Even Charlotte?”

“Even…even C-“ Her voice cut off. Charlotte. Charlotte who was so desperately in love with her husband, and her husband treated her like dirt. Charlotte, who only wanted to be a mother, yet still carried the pain of her previous miscarriage. Charlotte, who was anything but annoying and deserved all the sunshine and happiness the world could offer. Not this. Not this pain. Not a husband who was having an obvious affair on her with not just anyone, but with _Zoey._ Zoey, who was ten years younger than Charlotte, and Sam found Emma’s previous boss more attractive than Char. Char who had longed for a baby for so long and was met with the burden of a miscarriage. She hid the scars on her stomach with pastel coloured jumpers, some of which had cats on them because buying a cat was her last chance to have a family. And she did. She did have a cat. But now she didn’t. Because Charlotte Lowery was a victim of the apotheosis, manipulated by her asshole husband who never saw how brilliant she truly was. But Ted did. Ted, Ted Harris who had also fallen victim, was Charlotte’s second choice at love. Sure she was married, and sure having an affair on her side was also bad, but Emma knew from the dream she just wanted to feel loved. And because Ted showed her the affection she so desperately needed, Charlotte always fell back into his possession. There was no last time between them. If the apotheosis hadn’t gotten to them, the affair would have kept progressing. The one between Sam and Zoey, the one between Ted and Charlotte . And Charlotte did just deserve someone kind and honest. Someone like-

“Paul…” Emma whimpered, clinging on to him tighter.

“Hey, what’s wrong Em?” He asked.

“Charlotte she- she didn’t deserve her end. She deserved…Charlotte wasn’t annoying.” She said, closing her eyes tightly. Paul nodded.

“I know. We all told her at the office and she wouldn’t listen. She just wanted Sam.”

“But Sam was having an affair with Zoey and Charlotte just wanted to feel loved so she turned to Ted and-“

“Charlotte and Ted were having an affair?” Emma glared up at him, eyes red. “Actually, looking back on the events of the A word, it was fairly obvious.”

“And…I knew all this because…because of the dream I had…” She sniffed. Paul adjusted his position, helping her sit up more.

“Because of the dream you had?” He asked, stroking the top of her arm lovingly. She nodded.

“And uh…Alice was there-“ She said choked. “And…and Alice looked up to me like a mother figure. And she was so supportive with our fake daughter. And when we were rescued from the infection-“ a twitch “-a second time and taken to this rehab facility PEIP unit type thing, everyone was there, cured. There was Charlotte and Zoey and Nora and Deb and Alice was happy. And Alice isn’t alive is she?” She said, looking up at Paul. He bit his top lip shaking his head.

“She didn’t make it…” He said, his voice dangerously quiet. “Because she was too blind to see the warnings in front of her.”

* * *

 

_“Alice!” Paul smiled as a 3 year old Alice clung to his leg._

_“I don’t wanna go home!” She said. “I wanna spend time with Uncle Bean!” She said, turning to face her father. Paul was 22 by now, Bill being just under 23._

_“Uncle Bean? That’s a new one.” Paul laughed._

_“Uncle Bean Uncle Bean Uncle Bean!” Alice chanted, remaining her surprisingly tight grip on Paul’s leg.  Bill scrunched his face up as Paul looked at him, still trying to shake Alice off of him._

_“You alright, bud?”_

_“I’m gonna regret this but it can finally give me and Rose some time alone.” Paul raised an eyebrow as Bill mentioned his wife. Bill crouched down to face Alice. “A? Do you want to have a sleepover with Uncle Paul tonight?”_

_“Uncle Bean Uncle Bean Uncle Bean!” Alice smiled, now hugging his leg instead of clinging on to him._

_“And that’s alright Paul?”_

_“It’s never a problem, Bill.”_

_“Okay great. I’ll bring her stuff over in 5.” Bill said, hugging his friend._

 

_“What film do you wanna watch, Ally?” Paul asked, putting Alice’s hair in pigtails for the night. She slipped further underneath the blanket._

_“Cindwewa.” Alice said, only her eyes shown, the rest of her body being hidden by the blanket._

_“Cinderella?”_

_“Yeah!” She cheered. Paul sighed, but had to do this. For his goddaughter. He put the film on and got back under the blanket, lifting Alice on to his lap. Immediately, she was occupied with the film. He continued playing with Alice’s hair until she fell asleep. He switched the TV off, grabbed her cuddly toy and lifted her up, making sure the blanket was still covering her. He put her in the spare room and tucked her in. He kissed her forehead._

_“Goodnight, sweetheart.”_

_“Nigh Uncle Bean…” She smiled before rolling over and falling sound asleep. He flicked the light off, walking into his room and getting changed. He got under the covers and fell asleep quickly._

_He was awoken a few hours later by Alice, shaking his arm. He rolled his head over to face her, switching the lamp on. “Alice?” He asked, rubbing his eyes. Alice bit her lip and looked at the floor. “Are you okay sweetie?” Alice shook her head. “Do you wanna go home?” Again, she shook her head. She was dragging her stuffed toy and her blanket in one hand, chewing on her free thumb nervously. Paul held her. “Okay. Three two one.” He said and lifted her on the bed. He put her next to him under the covers and turned to face her. “Talk to Uncle Bean, Alice.” He smiled._

_“Had a bad dream…” She mumbled._

_“Oh! A bad dream?” He asked, softening his tone. “Wanna talk about it?” Alice nodded._

_“I uh…I was on a bus on my own and I was older than thwee and…I get off the bus and go into this school. And I go inside the cwior woom and there is a girl weawing a yewwow hat and she got curwy hair and gween eyes and she pwetty and she wun up to me and give me a hug. But then her eyes change cowour and they bwue. And then there was bwue swime in my mouth and it was all tingwy and I didn’t wike it. And then everyone was dancing and singing and then I saw you and daddy and…I was singing about gardens I think because I was singing “not your seed” and I dunno what it means. And then there was a gun on the fwoor and daddy pick the gun up and put it to his head and you knock the gun out of his hand and it fell to the fwoor. And then I walk towards the gun and I pick it up and…I shoot…I shoot daddy…” She said, sniffling. “And den I woke up…and now I here…” She said, rubbing her eyes. She sniffled again as she wrapped her arms around Paul’s chest. He wrapped an arm around her, holding her closely._

_“I’ve got you.” He said softly as she began crying. “Uncle Paul’s got you.” He repeated, stroking her back. “Listen to me Ally okay? Uncle Paul won’t let you get hurt. He won’t let either you or daddy get hurt. It was just a bad dream okay sweetie? Uncle Paul’s gonna keep you safe.”_

_“Can I stay with you tonight?” She whispered, looking up at him hopefully. Paul nodded._

_“Want me to sing you to sleep again honey?” He asked her and she nodded._

_“Tuck me in pwease.” She asked, yawning, cuddling her stuffed toy to her chest. He picked up her blanket and wrapped her in it as he started to sing._

_“A dream is a wish your heart makes. When you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday. Your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving. If you keep believing. The dream that you wish will come true.” He sang, kissing her forehead. “Goodnight Alice.” He said._

_“Nigh Uncle Bean.” She said, nuzzling her face into his chest before falling sound asleep._

_Alice was 13. Her parents had sat her down and explained they were splitting up. Immediately tears filled her eyes and she ran out of the room, packing her rucksack. She knew where she was going._

_“Alice-“ Bill started but Alice let out a sob and ran out the door, slamming it behind her. She ran to Paul’s house and knocked on the door harshly. When Paul opened the door, she shoved her way in and dropped her bag by her feet, her hands covering her face, as she broke down. Paul immediately shut the door and sat next to her._

_“Hey. Hey Alice talk to me. Talk to me sweetie.” He said, holding his hands in his lap. She took a shaky breathe._

_“Mom and dad are getting a divorce and it’s because of me!” She said before dissolving into tears._

_“Hey, Ally I don’t think they mean that.”_

_“Oh really? So why did mom say ‘Alice is spending more time around men like the real slut she is. Have you seen how short she wears her skirt, William? Have you seen how much makeup she puts on? She’s crying for attention! If she gets assaulted I’m not defending her-‘ and then she screamed in my face she wishes she wasn’t my mom and that she wished I was dead-“ She said bursting into tears again. Paul was taken a back. He pulled her into a hug, to which she wrapped her arms around him, burying her face into his shoulder._

_“Do you want me to kill your mom?” Alice laughed shakily._

_“Please do. She hates me. And-and if they do end up getting a divorce, which they will, dad said I can only see him once a month. Mom’s moving to Clivesdale and I have to go with her.” Paul held her tighter. He wouldn’t be able to see Alice that often anymore._

_“Oh God Ally that’s awful…”_

_“I just want to live with dad! Dad’s done everything for me and now I’m being taken away from him. I’m being taken away from you!” She sobbed harder. “And I just ran out the house because I couldn’t face my dad. I couldn’t bear to look at him and I upset dad and that’s the last thing I wanted to do and please can I stay over and please can I borrow your phone to ring dad I left my charger at home.” Paul nodded._

_“Wanna ring him now?”_

_“Yeah. Please.” So Paul handed her the phone and she hit ring._

_“Paul?! Is Alice with you? She ran out the house without a warning-“_

_“Hi dad…” Alice said softly._

_“Oh Alice! I’ve been so worried! I’ve been so so worried!”_

_“Dad I’m okay I’m with Uncle Paul, I-I’m staying overnight.” She heard Bill sigh over the phone._

_“Okay. Alice I just want you to know, whatever happens with me and your mom, I’m gonna make sure you’re safe. Whether you’re in Clivesdale, with Paul or with me, I’m gonna make sure you’re safe. And hey…” his voice lowered to a whisper. “You can just tell your mother you’re having a sleepover with a friend back in Hatchetfield if you want to see Paul again.”_

_Alice smiled. “Thanks dad. I love you.”_

_“I love you too, honey.”_

_And Alice hung up. She handed her phone back to Paul. “Thank you, Uncle Paul.” Paul smiled._

_“It’s not a problem, sweetie.”_

_Alice was 14 and back in Hatchetfield for the week. She had to get something off of her chest. She was a lesbian. And she didn’t want to tell her parents in fear they’d hate her. So she picked up the phone again. “Hey Uncle Paul…yes I’m okay. Uh listen…can we go and see Moana? Tonight? In theatres?” She heard the distant sound of tapping and clicking in the distance. “Booked for tonight?” She smiled. “Okay. Thank you Uncle Paul. Okay. I love you too. I’ll see you tonight. Okay I love you!” She said hanging up the phone before he could get another word in. Her heart hammered in her chest as she waited for him to pick her up. As soon as she saw the familiar car pull up, she took a deep breathe and called to her dad she was going out. She hopped in Paul’s car._

_“Hey kid!” He smiled excitedly._

_“Hey Uncle Paul…” She said as she clipped in._

_“You sound tired. Are you sure you want to go?”_

_“Yeah!” She said smiling. “Sorry I zoned out. Of course I wanna go it’s the new Disney film! It’s practically tradition between us now!”_

_“In all honesty…I have no comeback to that. Yeah it is true.”_

_“The guy who doesn’t like musicals, taking his only goddaughter out to the theatre to see…a musical. Love you Uncle Paul.” She smiled. Paul smiled but shook his head. They walked into the theatre together, Paul paying for snacks, and took their seats. Alice wasn’t afraid to admit she did cry when Moana’s grandmother died, but wouldn’t let anyone else know. As they sat outside in the dark on the edge of the fountain, Alice turned to face her godfather. “Uh..hey…Uncle Paul?” She asked. Paul looked to her._

_“Yeah, Ally?” He asked, taking a sip of water._

_“Can I tell you something?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“And you promise you won’t hate me?”_

_“Why would I hate you?”_

_“Because…..because I’m a lesbian and…I know mom’s gonna hate me if I tell her and I’m scared dad’s gonna hate me and I have a really big crush on my best friend Deb and it’s all a mess.” She said sniffling. Paul looked towards her._

_“You think I’d hate you because of that?” Alice nodded. He pulled her into a hug. “Then you’ve obviously gotten me wrong. Alice, I love you so much. I’ve been protecting you since you were a baby, and that’s not going to change because you don’t identify as heterosexual.” She sobbed slightly, burying her face in his chest._

_“I love you so much Uncle Paul.” She said, her voice muffled slightly._

_“I love you too, bean.”_

_“Shush Uncle Bean.” Paul smiled and kissed the top of her head._

_“Ready to go back to my place?” Alice nodded._

_“Yes.”_  


_Paul looked up from where he was sitting, besides Emma, and turned behind him to see Bill pacing the room. “Give me some bread…and some water!” Bill shouted. “I knew we were going to need a designated driver!”_

_“What’s happening Bill?” He asked, not only confused but concerned at the same time._

_“It’s Alice-“ fuck. No. Not Alice. No no no not Alice. “She’s locked herself in the choir room at Hatchetfield High. She got off the bus to see Deb!” No. This sounded like the dream Alice had when she was 3. And suddenly Paul and Bill were in a car, driving to Hatchetfield High. As soon as they’d arrived, Paul got out the car and ran inside, Bill following him. She was calling his name and Paul silenced him. He was worried for Alice. Not for himself. For Alice. If Alice was gone…he’d never forgive himself. And then Bill was talking about how him and Alice had had a fight just that morning and how he thought it was his fault she’d gotten off the bus. Paul, still holding the gun, dropped it to comfort Bill._

_“It isn’t your fault!” Paul said, his face stern, emotionless._

_“Yes it is. That’s my last thought I had before they broke down the door.” No. And there it was. The song she’d heard in her dream. And he watched Alice shoot Bill. And then Alice attempted to shoot him. Paul ran out the building, gunless, and into the car. As soon as he was secure within the metal shell, he broke down. Bill was dead. Alice was dead. Everyone was dead. There was no long lasting hope. Except his everlasting love for Emma. With blurred eyes, he turned the engine on and began driving back to Hidgens’ place._

* * *

“She didn’t make it…” he said, registering it completely. No more Disney film premieres to go and see. No more reassuring his goddaughter that she’d be safe from harm. No more protecting Alice over her mother. No more helping Bill. Because Paul should have seen the warning signs just as much as Alice should have. Alice wouldn’t have remembered the dream, of course, but Paul did. He’d failed Alice. He’d failed Alice and he’d failed Bill. He’d failed his second family. “She didn’t make it because she was too damn kind.” Paul said, hugging Emma tighter.

“Oh god…” Emma said looking back up at him, her tears now dry completely. “Paul-“

“What’s the point, Emma. We get all this luxury and she’s dead. My Alice is dead. My Alice, the kid I swore to protect from harm since she was a baby, is dead!” He said, standing up.

“Stop!” Emma said as she stood up too, having to put her weight on her good leg and her crutches. “Paul please stop it wasn’t your fault-“

“She had a dream she would die of whatever she died of when she was 3 and I know that because she had that nightmare when she was in my care! My care! Not Bill’s. Mine. And you know what I told her. I told her ‘Alice, I won’t let you get hurt. It was just a dream. It’s not going to happen.’ And guess what, Emma. It happened. I lost my goddaughter to that godawful thing because I didn’t get there quick enough in time! I already knew the consequences and I didn’t act quick enough goddammit!” He shouted as he stormed out the room, leaving Emma shocked. She’d never thought Paul to be the kind of person to snap that much. But then again, Paul did have a close relationship with Alice. And she was family whether she was blood related or not. And Emma knew all too well how it felt to lose a family member. She should have tread more carefully with what she was saying. Because now Paul was upset. And that was the last thing she wanted.

Paul ran up the stairs. He knew he shouldn’t be angry at Emma. But for the time being he was. He slammed the door shut as heated tears rise up into his eyes. He punched the wall before slumping down against the wall, his hands supporting his head. He shouldn’t have promised Alice anything. Yet she was his goddaughter and he was compelled to do so. Compelled to keep her safe. Compelled to keep her out of harms way. His breathing became shaky as he started crying. “Bill I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect her.” He said tearfully. “I swore she wouldn’t get hurt and she did. No. She didn’t only get hurt. She died because her girlfriend puked the spores into her mouth giving the spores access to Alice’s body. And it’s all because Alice was too kind hearted to see the warnings. She fell in love and unfortunately died before she could even fulfil her future with Deb. I know you never liked Deb, Bill, but if you could have seen how happy Alice was around her. How much Deb loved her. How Deb protected her from the homophobes, you’d have changed your mind instantly. Sure, Deb smoked pot but you know what? She didn’t harm Alice once while she was high. They rarely fought and when they did, Alice would come sobbing to me because she felt she’d lost your trust by dating a stoner. Bill…I fucked up. I promised you I’d protect her. You gave me that one position of being her godfather while I was drunk, I accepted and I couldn’t even do that. I should have acted quicker and there is never going to be a day where I do not regret seeing her again.” He said as he squeezed his eyes shut. “And as for you. Bill you’ve been my best friend since high school. We moved up from  middle school together but only started talking then. When you met Rose I was nothing but supportive. I saw the red flags of her being an asshole before you did, but you didn’t listen to me. And that shit hurt. When we went to go and get Alice I thought ‘holy fuck. What am I doing? Oh. I remember. I’m saving not only my goddaughter, but my best friend’s only kid.’ And you know what? When I couldn’t save her I was shattered. And then when you picked the gun to your head…it killed me. And I pushed it out of your hands. I said I wouldn’t let you die and she fucking killed you!” He sobbed. “And I couldn’t do anything about it except run. And Alice is dead and you’re dead and PEIP have your bodies trying to work on a cure and I just want you here with me where you belong. You had a whole world to live for. You had Alice. And what did I have? Nothing.” He sobbed. “I mean obviously I have Emma now but we just had a fight and I feel worthless, again. Because I’m being honest. I’m nothing without my Alice and I’m nothing without you.” He said, becoming more distraught as time progressed. “I just want to hold her again and tell her everything’s going to be okay…” he said, his voice soft. “And I can’t because we didn’t get there in time and now you’re both dead and it’s my fault…” He sobbed. He didn’t even notice the door click open.

“It’s okay.” Emma said as she sat in front of him. Paul shook his head when he heard her. “It’s gonna be okay.” She reassured, pulling him in for a hug.

“How is it gonna be okay when their fucking dead.”

“Well you said PEIP are looking for a cure right?”

“Well yeah but it could take months or years before they find a cure.” He said, his turn to sob into her.

“Hey. Shh its okay honey.” Emma said, rubbing his back in small circles. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“How do you know?” He asked, his voice shaky, slowly starting to calm down. She bit the inside of her lip.

“I don’t. That’s the problem. Right now…we survived…I had a piece of shrapnel through my leg, my leg is healing slowly, and we’re in Clivesdale together. Okay? Listen to me. We’re together. That’s the key word. We’re a couple going through a lot of shit right now. And you know what? That’s okay.” She smiled, stroking his hair with the other hand. “We have to be there for each other. We can’t give up, not now. We’ve been through so much together we can’t let a teeny tiny little fight break us. Greaving fucking sucks. I should know. I’ve been through it. I’m still going through it. And it’s the worst. And do you want to know what? It’s okay. We can’t all be happy and smiley all the time. So what I’m asking right now is for you to take a deep breathe and just let it out-“

“Stop.”

“What?”

“Don’t say it.”

“Don’t say what?”

“The…the phrase you just said.”

“What? Let it out?”

“Emma!” he winced pulling away. “Please stop please just don’t say that one phrase. Any other phrase is fine. Every other phrase besides that one.” She nodded, not particularly hurt, but experiencing the same pain as if she had just received a particularly nasty paper cut.

“Do you want to tell me why? Wanna talk about it, sorry.” He shook his head.

“One day I’ll tell you. Just not now. I can’t. I can’t tell you I-“

“Shh.” Emma said, calmly. “It’s okay honey. You’re going to be okay.”

“I sure as hell hope I will.” She kissed him delicately and smiled, peering into his eyes.

“I know you will, Paul.”

* * *

Paul and Emma lay in bed, Paul lay away from Emma. Emma smiled, an idea forming in her head. She wrapped her arms around him so he turned to face her. “What are you doing?”

“Showing you how much I love you.” She smiled. “Your hair, Paul, is the softest thing I have ever felt in my life. Like how do you make it that fluffy? I need to know your ways.” She said as she climbed further up the bed. “Look at your hair Paul!”

“I can’t it’s on top of my head-“

“I said look at it!” She smiled. “It’s so fluffy!” She said as she began to run her hands through it. “And your eyes are the colour of a crystal clear sky. I would kill to have your eyes! Yet I was stuck with boring hazel.”

“Hazel’s a pretty colour-“

“Shush. And you have muscles! You have so many muscles!” She smiled.

“What are you playing at, Emma?”

“I’m just saying. I love you in more ways than one.” She said, kissing his nose. A blush crept on to his cheeks. “You’re adorable.” She said kissing his cheeks. He just sighed and pulled the cover over his head. Emma bit the inside of her lip and frowned. She shuffled back under the covers and tugged on his arm so he faced her. “Did I upset you?” She asked, scared in case she did.

“No honey, I’m just recovering from a mental breakdown that’s drained all my motivation for the next two weeks.” He felt her pull him into another hug.

“Honey…” She sighed. “Maybe you need to get therapy too?”

“No!” He burst. He coughed, consuming his sudden fright. “No I’ll be alright…” Emma, confused as she was, brushed it off.

“Alright honey. I’m trusting you.” Paul nodded.

“I’m trusting you too, honey.” He smiled tiredly.

“Go to sleep, Paul”

“I love you, Em.”

“I love you too, fucking idiot.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone: oh paul's a good godfather!! fluff!! can't wait!!  
> me: about to end this mans w h o l e courier


	25. The One Where Paul And Emma Don't Make A Physical Appearance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring the baby of the series, John McNamara (jks jks jks jks jks-UNLESS)

“General. Are you ready to enter the graveyard?” John turned towards the other member of PEIP willing to assist him. Colonel Schaffer. He replied with a firm nod. She put her mask on, and so did he. Immediately they were hit with a strong smell of lemons, windex and mint. John shuddered at the smell. Slowly, they drove the van through the town of Hatchetfield, the low hum of the infected singing their harmonies. They had their tranquilizer guns at the ready. They were ready. They were prepped. They entered Hatchetfield High. The meteor may have been destroyed, but the spores were actually what kept the infected alive. So they approached the high school with caution, their main concern was to find a high school senior named Alice.

“There.” Schaffer said, holding the gun to her eye to get a better view. “The one in the pink cardigan, that’s Alice Simmons.”

“And the other two?” McNamara asked, following her move.

“Identified as Deborah Fredrickson and Beatrice Carter.” McNamara nodded.

“You take the girls, I take Alice. And then we search for Bill.” The girls were singing some sort of poetic melody. But it wasn’t enough to convince the two PEIP agents. McNamara let out a high-pitched whistle, drawing the girl’s attention.

 _“Look what we have here, girls. As appears our next victim. A girl and a boy, a woman, a man who gives a fuck! Kill him!”_ Deb snarled. The three girls lurched towards McNamara. Quickly, he shot three tranquiliser darts into the three girls, Schaffer firing another round seeing as you **Can’t Ever Be Too Careful** (chapter 23.) They loaded the girls into the van, it being easy for John, and went to find Bill.

* * *

“Be careful.” The male agent told Schaffer. To show she understood, she saluted, tipping her head slightly. They walked into the office block that once was CCRP. Then there was a sudden cough she offered. “Everything okay over there, Colonel.” She shook her head.

“General, there is a small tear in the oxygen filter in my mask. The oxygen is slipping. We have to go.” McNamara looked to the window of the building and could clearly see Bill dancing up there. He drew his eyes away.

“We return tomorrow if possible.” Schaffer nodded and rushed back to the van. McNamara climbed back in and turned on the airconditioning as the two removed their masks. They started driving back to Clivesdale. Back to the facility base.

* * *

They immediately carried the girls in. Sure, they were currently out clean, but there was still the chance the darts were faulty and that they could wake up before they hoped. The rooms were equipped with oxygen filters, so as soon as the cure was fed through, the oxygen would switch on automatically. The rooms were also fitted with soundproof walls, just so the rest of the PEIP agents didn’t have to hear the screaming. They placed the three girls in separate rooms and locked the doors. Schaffer and McNamara stood in the testing lab area. “Ready to go?” Schaffer asked. McNamara confirmed with a nod. At once, an orange spray flooded the room in the shape of mist. As soon as the girls started coughing, the oxygen filters switched on. Beatrice had collapsed from the intense pain, Deb had also passed out. Alice was the strongest of the three. She wasn’t crying. She wasn’t screaming in pain. Her eyes were watery, but she refused to show any effect. And suddenly her vision went black and she fell on to the padding on the floor.

* * *

Every breathe she took felt like a million needles sewing her lungs, which wasn’t a necessary procedure. When she woke up, she was gasping for air. The pain had worsened and her legs curled up to her chest. Any movement hurt. “Dad?!” She shouted, her cries only being able to be heard by the PEIP agents. “Dad?! Deb?!” She said, beginning to weep. No. She was alone. She was alone wasn’t she. “DAD?!” She shouted louder, yet she received no reply. “DAD PLEASE THIS ISN’T FUNNY!” She took time to breathe, beginning to yelp in pain. “DAD PLEASE I NEED YOU! I NEED YOU I WANT YOU! I WANT YOU AND-AND I WANT PAUL…I WANT UNCLE PAUL I-I want- I want my Uncle Paul!” She sobbed. “Please if anyone can hear me I just want my Uncle Paul.”

“Good evening, Alice Simmons.” A speaker on the wall spoke. She jumped and then winced in pain.

“WHO ARE YOU?!” She screamed.

“Good evening, Alice Simmons my name is General John McNamara. We work for an army branch agency called P.E.I.P and you are currently located at PEIPS local facility. Besides me is my co-worker Colonel Schaffer. You were infected with a contagious pathogen named by PEIP as BLU-3. You have been affected for approximately 9 days. What the spores did were enter your bloodstream via, from what we can recall from research, Deborah Fredrickson’s vomit.”

“I drank my girlfriend’s vomit?!” She asked, cringing in repulsion.

“No, ma’am, your girlfriend, confirmed to be Miss Deborah Fredrickson, pulled you into a loving kiss after Deb found you in the choir room….after you got off the bus from HF to CV to go and see her. She kissed you, which triggered her infection to puke vomit, which the spores had turned into a thick slime like substance, into your mouth. As the slime travelled down your throat, it gave the spores full access to your body. And that is how you became infected. Today, at 14:23 PM, PEIP cured three members of the Hivemind with the cure discovered. The cure is an orange/red mist that contains a reverse pathogen that eliminates the spores instantly. This cure has been named by PEIP as R3-D. The two other members have been successfully identified as Deborah Fredrickson and Beatrice Carter, both of which are currently unconscious.”

“Where’s my dad?!” She shouted.

“Unfortunately, Colonel Schaffer had a rip in her oxygen filter, and therefore we were unable to continue the experiment. We plan to go back into Hatchetfield tomorrow at 7 AM to locate not only Bill Simmons but Ted Harris, Charlotte Lowery and Sam Lowery.” Alice let out a sob. She was alone.

“S-So where’s my Uncle Paul?”

“Paul Matthews successfully blew up the meteor, but didn’t eliminate the spores. He is currently located at Shelby Avenue, House 48A in Stephton, Clivesdale, New York with Miss Emma Perkins, who survived with a fatal injury in her right leg that she received during a helicopter crash.”

“Am I allowed to see him?” She asked, hopeful.

“Unfortunately, ma’am, it is still too dangerous to let anyone in or out the roo-“

“CAN I SEE MY UNCLE PLEASE!” She begged, just needing comfort. She heard whispering over the speakers and the sound of typing.

“Mr Paul Matthews, located at Shelby Avenue, House 48A in Stephton, Clivesdale New York is willing to see Miss Alice Simmons later on today at 16:00 in the PM. Do you have a time piece?”

“No I don’t have a watch and I don’t have a phone I just want my uncle!”

“Mr Paul Matthews, located at Shelby Avenue, House 48A in Stephton, Clivesdale New York will be here in 1 and a half hours.” And the speaker closed. At least Alice was able to see her godfather again. And in such a short span of time, that to her killed more than the pain she was experiencing. She’d be okay, wouldn’t she?


	26. Why Does It Hurt...Why Did It Hurt To Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is she in pain? Why did it hurt to know you, you let me down again. If she turned her insides out would he even notice she was there? Why did it hurt to love you. Why does it hurt to love....

“It hurts.” She wept as she curled herself up into a tight ball. “It hurts so badly…” She told herself. “It hurts make it stop please make it stop…” She didn’t realise how long she’d been crying for until she heard the speaker crackle. 

* * *

Paul remained besides Emma as she finished adding the ingredients to the cake she was making. He had his arms around her waist and his head buried in her hair.

“Paul you dork-“ She laughed as she tried to wriggle away.

“No don’t go!” He said, burying his face deeper.

“My hair’s not fluffy that’s yours.” She smiled as she turned the mixer on.

“It smells nice though.”

“What a lie.”

“Not a lie.”

“Yes it is!”

“Be quiet Emma. It is such a lie. It smells like mint and raspberry.” There was a pause from Emma as she switched the mixer off. Sudden silence filled the room. “Did I get it right?” He asked. She mumbled something under her breath. “What was that, honey?”

“Okay maybe you’re better at this guessing game than I originally thought…” She huffed as she finally wriggled out of his arms and carried the bowl over to the oven.

“No Em don’t leave me!” He said as he shuffled after her. She tipped the mixture into the tin before sliding it into the oven. She closed the oven door and span around, placing her hands on his chest.

“You’re like a big puppy aren’t you?” She smiled, standing on her tip toes to kiss his chin. “For your height and your build, people would suspect my boyfriend was scary and not afraid to fight. But nope. He’s just a big softie with fluffy hair. Like a dog.”

“Like a dog with crippling anxiety, grieving the loss of his family, yes.” He said, pulling her into a hug.

“Hey. Cuddles in the living room. The cake will be out soon.” She smiled, taking his hand and leading him to the living room. He followed her, smiling, almost tripping over. She pushed him on to the couch gently before sitting on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. She nudged him with her nose before kissing his cheek. A small blush spread across his face. “You’re blushing! Babe, you’re blushing!”

“No ‘m not!” He pouted. She kissed him on the lips, making him turn red.

“Now you’re red!” She smiled.

“Yeah. And it’s your fault…” She smiled and ran a hand through his hair before laying her head against his chest.

“You’re soft.” She said, her voice now muffled by his shirt.

“Now I am not, Miss Perkins.”

“Yeah you are. You are if I say you are.” Paul smiled wider, stroking her head lovingly. “Because you’re my baby.” He kissed her head again.

“Yes, I’m yours.” He smiled.

“And you’re also the most submissive man I have ever met in my life.” He blushed again.

“Shut up…”

“I mean seriously. Try being dominant at least once.

“…I can be dominant.”

“Oh really?” She laughed.

“…Yeah.”

“So why are you hesitating?”

“I was dominant like once!” He explained. “I like myself like this! But if you want me to change I will…” Emma removed her face from his shirt and pulled him into another kiss.

“I don’t want you to change, babe. I want you to remain my Paul.” She said as she attached herself to his neck. An alarm chimed from the kitchen. She groaned, sending a vibration throughout Paul’s body, giving him goosebumps. “Oh-Paul! Wait there!” She said, quickly climbing off his lap and running to the kitchen. She returned with a slice of cake and a fork. “Try it! Try it and see if you can depict the flavours!” She said, sitting next to him. He took the plate and looked at her confused.

“Why?”

“Because if you can guess what scent my shampoo is, I want to see how good you actually are at depicting flavours. No boyfriend of mine has ever guessed this correctly before, and if you can, I am never leaving you.”

“I should hope not.” He smiled as he took a bite. He looked at her. “Firstly, this is really fucking good. Secondly…flavours. Okay…chocolate, orange, mint and…cinnamon?” He asked.

“Yes!” She squealed excitedly as she wrapped his arms around his neck again, making him cough slightly.

“For a little person, you’re surprisingly heavy.”

“Hey!”

“Wait no Em that came out wrong wait-“ Emma laughed before kissing him again.

“I know.” She smiled as she leant her head against his shoulder. And they remained in peace. Until Paul’s phone started ringing.

“M-Emma I really have to take this it’s PEIP.”

“Oh! Do you want me to move?” He shook his head.

“Stay.” He said, setting the plate aside and pulling out his phone. “Hello, Paul Matthews speaking.”

_“Good evening, Paul. My name is General John McNamara.”_

“Oh! Hey sir! What’s up?”

_“Earlier today, me and another fellow resident of P.E.I.P, Colonel Schaffer, were granted access back into what was once Hatchetfield, New York. Upon our arrival, we bought with us two tranquiliser guns filled with tranquiliser darts. We entered Hatchetfield High with high hopes and a strong plan to retrieve a certain Miss Alice Simmons._

“Alice?” He asked, his voice soft. Emma furrowed her eyebrows and looked up at him.

_“And we were successful in finding her too, alongside a Miss Deborah Fredrickson and Beatrice Carter. However, in their most violent attempts to kill both me, General John McNamara and my partner, Colonel Schaffer, they failed as working as a team, me, General John McNamara and my partner, Colonel Schaffer, managed to knock them out using the tranquiliser darts. We hauled them into the van. We then approached CCRP Technical located Rosewood Avenue in attempts to savour a Mr Bill Simmonds. Unfortunately, my partner, Colonel Schaffer, had a rip in her oxygen filter forcing us to abort the mission early. We separated the three girls and cured them once they were awake. A Miss Alice Simmonds is currently asking for her Uncle. Am I correct in asking you, Mr Paul Matthews, are Miss Alice Simmonds godfather?_

“Yes. Yes you are.”

_“Are you willing to see a Miss Alice Simmonds around roughly 16:00 in the PM?”_

“Yes. 100%. Of course I would. Please tell her I’ll be there.”

_“Alright sir.”_

McNamara said before hanging up. Paul shakily removed the phone from his ear and turned it off.

“Who was it?” Emma asked, still looking back up at him.

“Mr McNamara. He um…Alice. He found Alice. She’s okay.”

“Oh my god! Paul!” Emma smiled. “That’s wonderful!”

“I have to go and see her at 4 later tonight. Em I _have_ to.”

“Hey. Honey, I’ll be okay on my own for a few hours. Just keep messaging me every like half hour.” Paul nodded.

“I’m going to go and get ready now. Can you get off my lap please honey?”

“Of course. Good luck babe.” She said, pecking his lips before climbing off of him. Quickly, he stood up and ran up the stairs to collect some things that may relax Alice.

* * *

_“Alice? You had a friend over?” Paul asked as he folded his arms, leaning against the doorway. Alice gasped and quickly pulled the covers over her more._

_“Uncle Paul! I-I-“_

_“Sweetie, why is there another girl not only in your room but on your bed?”_

_“Uncle Paul I’m sorry!” She sniffed. The other girl, who had brown curls, quickly pulled her into a hug._

_“Hey, Beanie, don’t cry.” The other girl said, caressing Alice’s head. “It’s okay.”_

_“No it’s not because now I’m in trouble.”_

_“No you aren’t, Beanie.” She said again. “No you aren’t.”_

_“Who are you, sorry, Miss?”_

_“Oh…uh…does he know?” She whispered into Alice’s ear. Alice nodded. Deb turned around. “Uh…Deb Fredrickson. Alice’s….girlfriend.” Paul quickly flashed a smile. One full of truth._

_“Oh! Deb! I’m so sorry I didn’t recognise you! Yes! Ally’s told me a lot about you.”_

_“Uncle Paul you’re being awkward again, you can tell the truth…” Alice sniffed. Paul sighed._

_“I’m happy for you, Alice, but if you are going to have sex under my roof, let me know beforehand…” Alice squeaked nervously and Deb shook her head._

_“Sorry sir you got it all wrong. Alice had a panic attack.” Paul looked from Deb to Alice._

_“Oh! Well-“_

_“Uncle Paul it’s fine.”_

_“Uh-“_

_“PAUL JUST GO!” Alice snapped._

_“Beanie-“_

_“NO I’M SICK OF IT!” Alice said, her sobbing becoming louder. “JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE HERE ON MY BED PEOPLE AUTOMATICALLY THINK “OH LESBIANS YES THEY ARE DEFINITELY FUCKING!”_

_“Al, he didn’t mean it.”_

_“OH I’M SURE HE DIDN’T!” She sobbed into Deb’s shoulder. “This house is my safe place. Not home. Here. And I’ve had a pathetic day at school and I move to Clivesdale next week and I’m scared I’m gonna lose you Deb.”_

_“You won’t lose me, hon.”_

_“I’m scared I will. And suddenly someone I look up to as my dad more than I look up to as my dad doesn’t understand how to act around someone in a relationship!” She gasped. “I’m going home. For good.” She said, kicking back the covers and grabbing her school bag. She got off the bed, avoiding Paul’s shocked gaze. “Move.” She said, shoving past him. Paul turned his head around, still trying to process what had just happened._

_“Alice wait!” Deb called, chasing after her. “He didn’t mean it. I’m sure your Uncle Paul is a good guy-“_

_“He’s not my Uncle. Never has been. Never will be. He’s just my “godfather” which isn’t a real role anyways. He’s never really been there for me. He’s just pathetic.” She said, wiping her nose on her arm and leaving the house. That’s when it hit Paul. For the first time in her 16 years alive, she addressed him as just “Paul” and not “Uncle Paul.” He wasn’t her Uncle. He had no real relation to her at all. Yet he loved her like the child he never had. And for her to say that? It hurt. It hurt like hell._

_They didn’t see each other for a year…until…_

_“Why does it hurt to love you. Why am I in pain? Why does it hurt to know you…you let me down again if I turned my insides out would you even know that I was there. Why does it hurt to love you. Why does it hurt to love….” She momentarily….Alice’s alien embodiment momentarily caught Paul’s eye. That was aimed at him. She remembered the dream…_

* * *

 

“Good luck baby.” Emma said, kissing Paul’s cheek. He had a bag swaddled with things. Mostly the blanket and the teddy she had the night of the apotheosis prediction. He’d savoured them since Bill gave them to him. Now it was time to pass on the favour. Back to their original owner. Alice Rose Mariah Simmons.

“Thanks, Em. I’m gonna need it…” He admitted, quickly rushing to his car. Half three. He should get their…ten minutes early. He nodded as he started the car and began driving towards the facility, many thoughts racing through his mind. She wanted to see him. _She_ wanted to see _him._ Maybe they still had the connection they had years ago. He pushed open the door to the PEIP facility, where McNamara was already waiting.

“Ah, Mr Matthews, it appears you have arrived fifteen minutes early.”

“Where is she?” Where is my Alice?” He asked, his voice eager with an undertone of fright. McNamara motioned for Paul to follow, so that’s what he did. He pointed to a door. “135.” The blonde confirmed before turning on his heel and marching away. Nervously, Paul walked towards the door in question.

“It hurts…it hurts please make it stop…” He heard Alice weeping inside. Immediately he pushed open the door, which was surprisingly heavy. Inside, Alice was wrapped against herself, sobbing. Paul’s eyes widened at his goddaughter. She was a shell of her former self. And it was frightening to see. Alice looked towards the door and saw Paul. They remained still, looking at each other for a few minutes, scared to draw their eyes away from one another in case what they were seeing was a figment of their imagination.

What they were seeing in front of them was real.

Upon Alice’s brain knowing that her Uncle Paul was standing at the door she started crying harder, triggering Paul’s fight response. He shut the door and ran to her side, throwing the  bag off of his shoulder. “Hey hey hey it’s okay Ally…” he said, crouching besides her.

“Uncle Paul it hurts. So so badly.”

“What hurts honey?”

“Everything!” She wept. “It hurts to move, to breathe, to blink, to talk. Uncle Paul it hurts…” Paul gently lifted her up so she was lying against him. She didn’t seem to notice the change in positions. She wept into his chest and he held her.

“Hey. I’ve got you bean.” He said as she wept harder.

“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have yelled at you, you were just confused. You didn’t understand. And I should have gone to see you and you will always _always_ be my Uncle, if not, my second dad.”

“Oh Alice it’s alright-“

“Actually no I’m still pissed because-because I remember that dream I had when I was 3 and I’ve had it many a time since then. And you would always tell me it was going to be okay, it was just a nightmare, you wouldn’t let my dad get hurt, you wouldn’t let me die and you didn’t get their quick enough and I died thinking “he fucking lied.” And you did. You did lie. Why did you lie, Uncle Paul?” She sniffed, still not removing her face from his shirt.

“Well…Ally…your dad he-.” Paul sighed. He decided to tell her the truth. “A few seconds after your father hung up the phone, Ted Harris from CCRP, he started saying you were already dead and it really upset Bill and then I got dragged into the middle of it and-“

“I got infected so I shot my dad and now my dad’s dead…”

“Yeah…” Alice squeezed her eyes shut.

“And then when I was being cured, and I first came to and I was talking to Mr McNamara I found myself screaming for you. And then I thought “He won’t come because he hates me” and then I found myself thinking “why did it hurt to love you. Why was I in pain? Why did it hurt to know you-you let me down again and if I turned my insides out would he even know that I was here? Why did it hurt to love you…why does it hurt to love…” and you’re here and-“

“I’m not going anywhere.” He said, holding her tighter, the words she had just said being pretty much identical to the ones she sang. And she looked into his eyes after. Hazel. Her eyes hazel. Not that blue colour he dreaded to see so much. This was his Alice. His goddaughter. And by god would he protect her more than he had ever done. He let Alice’s body shake in his grasp, as he gently released the grip.

“Where’s dad, Uncle Paul?”

“They’re planning on going to go and get him tomorrow.”

“I wanna see him now!”

“I know, sweetie. But you can’t.”

“Life’s unfair.”

“I know. But hey. Here’s something to cheer you up. Do you remember the barista from Beanie’s you used to ship me with?”

“What? Emma? She always gave me and Deb free hot cocoa…”

“Yeah? Well…she’s kind of my girlfriend now.” Alice gave an excited squeal before wincing.

“Ouch. But I’m happy for you! Even if I am sobbing while saying it.” Paul smiled.

“I know.” He paused. “Do you want to be moved to your bed?” She nodded. “Okay. Three two one…” he said, lifting her. She screamed in agony, the vibrations rattling throughout his body. He gently placed her on the bed, tucking her in, making sure she was as comfortable as possible. He tucked her hair behind her ear. “I bought you a little gift by the way.” He said, reaching for the bag. He pulled out the blanket and the teddy and Alice wept harder. “Hey hey hey easy with the crying, you’ll make yourself sick.” He told her, passing them to her. Immediately, she wrapped herself up with them, though she was far too big. “This blanket and this teddy…you bought into my room when we had a sleepover for the first time when you were 3, when you had the nightmare for the first time. And we watched Cinderella that night. And you were shaking. So I pulled you closely to my chest and I sang to you.”

“You used to sing musicals to me?” He nodded.

“Even after the whole homophobia incident that your father must have told you-“

“No?”

“Another story for another time. I still sang you your favourite Disney song. Because it got you to sleep. And you fell asleep tucked under my arm and you slept…well, like a baby. It was also the day you called me Uncle Bean for the first time.” He smiled.

“Uncle Bean.” Alice laughed slightly.

“Yeah.” He smiled as he took her hand, stroking it gently. “Go to sleep, Ally, I’ll sing you.” Her eyes flicked open wider for a split second before she shut them. Paul cleared his throat. _“A dream is a wish your heart makes. When you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday. Your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving. If you keep believing. The dream that you wish will come true.”_ And soon, Alice was sleeping like she did those 14 years ago. At the same time, John McNamara entered the room.

“Is Miss Alice Simmons asleep, Mr Matthews?” Paul turned to face him and offered a gentle nod.

“Well, it is in my honour I can deliver the good news. Miss Simmons is allowed to return home. If she would prefer to stay with you.” Paul smiled.

“Thank you, sir.” McNamara nodded again. Paul gently removed the blanket and the teddy, placing them back in the bag. He threw the bag over his shoulder and gently picked her up, carrying her out of the facility and to his car. All the while she remained asleep. He drove home, humming Cinderella to himself. He carefully unlocked the front door, Alice’s head placed on his shoulder. Emma looked up from her phone to see Paul carrying someone who…looked like his daughter. “Em. Alice.” He whispered. “Taking her upstairs so she can sleep.” Emma nodded, closing the door behind Paul. Paul walked up the stairs as silently as possible. He found the duvet in the spare room and placed it on her, gently kissing the top of her head. “Goodnight, Alice.”

“Goodnight Uncle Bean…” She murmured. And in those words, he saw his Alice return.

 


	27. I Don't Think I Ever Stopped.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte and Sam centred because VWOOMP. Also,,,,Mr McNamara goes big sad energy

Alice woke up in the morning and glanced around the room. Everything was unfamiliar. No tones of pink. Nowhere. This couldn’t be her room. This couldn’t be her mom’s room either…or her dads…where was she? She went to scream for help, but at the same time, Paul pushed the door open. “Hey kid. Em made breakfast. She didn’t know if you were too hungry, and neither did I. So we just made you fruit and oatmeal and-“ he noticed the sudden shock on her face. His face softened as he sat next to her on the bed, placing the bowl on the bedside table. “Hey, Alice. You’re okay. We took you home, well I did. You’re cured.” He smiled. A glint of hope flickered in her eyes.

“Really?”

“Really.” Paul confirmed. “And for now, until PEIP revive your father, you’re staying with me is that okay?” Alice didn’t need to say anything else, but instead sat up and flung her arms around Paul’s body, taking him by surprise. But still, he returned the hug.

“It’s better than okay. I love you Uncle Paul.”

“I love you too, Alice.” He smiled. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. It doesn’t hurt so badly anymore. Just a few aches.” Paul nodded.

“Well, that was to be expected from the beginning, wasn’t it?” Alice nodded. “But you’re on the road to a speedy recovery.”

“Yeah. I guess I am…”

* * *

 

“Is your filter fixed, Colonel?” She gave a firm nod.

“Yes sir. Up and roaring to go.” She said as she placed it on her head, but not on her face. “And yours is still in pristine condition, sir?” McNamara gave a nod to confirm.

“Now we need to ensure they don’t get us. These aren’t three teenaged girls. These are adults. We are looking for a Miss Charlotte Lowery, last seen at CCRP Tech., a Mr Sam Lowery last seen at HFPD, Ted Harris and Bill Simmons last seen at CCRP Tech alongside Miss Charlotte Lowery. Our main concern is Miss Charlotte and Mr Sam Lowery. If we can find those, we’ll come back for the others tomorrow.” The blonde said. Schaffer nodded and climbed into the van, guns loaded with the very same bullets that they used to knock Alice, Deb and Bee unconscious. As they reapproached the tiny town of Hatchetfield, a familiar sense of dread draped over McNamara. Something would go wrong one way or another. But hopefully nothing too major. Hopefully nothing that stopped their mission altogether.

“General?” Colonel Schaffer asked, turning to face her partner. McNamara zoned out of his trance.

“Hmm?” He asked, reaching for his gun.

“Are you alright? You are the type to remain focused, and not to zone out like that.” He dismissed the question by waving his hand. He looked at the building. CCRP Technical. He took a deep breath and put his mask on, grabbing his gun and exiting the vehicle. They pushed the door open, the familiar scent of lemon, mint and windex overtaking any sense he had. It was…relaxing. It was almost compelling for him to join them by now. He was tired. He wouldn’t deny it. He was tired of everything. Him and Schaffer going into Hatchetfield to recover a few more infected citizens on a daily _was_ exhausting. And he was unable to do anything about it because he knew…he knew that him and Schaffer doing their jobs made someone else happy. And right now, right now he was doing this for Paul. He pitied Paul. Paul was the one guy he had felt any other emotion excluding anger besides his squad members. And he had slowly grown to admire this guy. This guy, how he was so compassionate to someone as vague as a stranger. McNamara often found himself thinking, “maybe I should take a page out of this guy’s book.” And he’d tried to be a better person, but he was still a US Army soldier. And there was nothing that could change. So he’d keep fighting. Fighting until this hellhole was over. As they moved up the building, they heard a soft duet being sung. And there they were. Sam and Charlotte, occupied with their slow dance. _Perfect,_ McNamara thought, aiming the gun. Two bullets fired. One in Sam’s neck, the other in Charlotte’s. He gave a sharp nod to Schaffer, who took Charlotte. They loaded the two into the back of the van. They turned the air conditioning on before removing their masks. They nodded. Ted and Bill were nowhere to be seen. For now. But John McNamara swore on his life. He would revive every person in Hatchetfield, even if it killed him. But it wouldn’t matter. He didn’t have anyone to go home to. He was just John McNamara. His squad was dead besides Schaffer. Everyone had at least someone, except him. He stared out the window before even noticing Schaffer had put her hand on his shoulder. “General? Are you sure you’re alright?” She asked, genuine concern behind her eyes. He looked to her and pursed his lips, nodding. “I’m okay. Don’t worry.” And with that, they drove off.

The two PEIP agents hauled the Lowery couple into their own room. Two beds either side. McNamara looked at the two, plucking the darts from their necks. He shook his head sympathetically, walking away and shutting the door. He walked back to the testing room. “And now…now we wait for the two to wake up.” He said, lighting a cigarette.

* * *

 

_First day of Sophomore year came around too quickly for Sam. As his alarm clock rang, he covered his ears with his pillow, his hair sticking to his face. He let his alarm clock ring for a few more minutes before becoming fed up with it and switching it off. He didn’t yawn. He just woke up and got changed. He donned a leather jacket on top of a black shirt and jeans. It’s mostly of what his wardrobe consisted of. Leather and black. He didn’t wear much colour. He didn’t see the need to. So he kept it simplistic and stuck to black. Black went with everything, he found out at a young age. So that was his signature look. At school, he had a lot of girls who crushed on him. They made it fairly obvious. But he didn’t feel love like others did. He never really had. “So, Sam Lowery. Here’s to another year of being single.” He told himself in the mirror, grabbing his bag. He shouted for his father, who happily drove him. As he got out the car, immediately he saw girls and even boys start giggling nervously. He rolled his eyes and made his way to first period. Media Studies. (side note, the timeline is fucked so expect to see a lot of my GCSE coursework pop up in here, even though taylor swift’s bad blood probably didn’t even exist in the 1980’s but we’re rolling with it.) He took his seat and swung his bag under the desk. As he looked up, there was a girl. A new girl. A girl he’d never seen before. Who…had the prettiest complexion he had ever seen. Her hair was that of a curly texture, the auburn colour fitting nicely against her pale skin. She wore a blue cardigan and a pale pink skirt with white trainers/sneakers (I’m British dumbasses.) Their teacher, Miss Scott stood up at the front. “Class, this is Charlotte George. Make her feel welcome, she’s new to the school. Charlotte your seat is by…Sam. The one in the leather jacket.” She smiled sweetly and walked towards him. She took her seat besides him. “Now class, today we’ll be moving on to music videos. The ones listed on the coursework are that of Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood and Pharrell Williams’ Freedom. So today we’ll be looking at Taylor Swift. Open your books the date is the 26 th of September 2003.” And suddenly, Sam was procrastinating over his handwriting. He had an extremely pretty girl sitting next to him. He was Sam Lowery, he was a bit of an ass. This also meant in class he didn’t answer questions. But suddenly he was. To impress her. Charlotte George. And then, in that moment, he realised what love was. _

_And slowly he started involving her in his life. And she changed him. He became softer. And they went from mutuals, to friends, to best friends. “Sammy come on!” She squealed, tugging on his arm._

_“What do you want me to do again?” He asked, trying on the bright array of clothes in front of him._

_“Try them on silly!” She giggled. Sam groaned in frustration. “Oh don’t be like that! Come on it’ll be fun!” She smiled. Her goddamn smile._

_“Fine.” He said, taking his leather jacket off. She handed him some clothes and he went to get changed. As he pulled on a pale blue shirt and some white jeans. He looked through the crack in the door. Charlotte was wearing his jacket and admiring herself in the mirror…blushing. And he was taken a back. She looked…there wasn’t a word to describe it. He knocked on the door. She quickly removed the jacket and placed it besides her on his bed. “You ready?”_

_“Yeah!” She cheered, so he walked out and she smiled. “Blue is definitely your colour.” She said, walking over to him and pulling him into a tight hug. It took him back again. Charlotte wasn’t the person to hug people, let alone be hugged herself. But still, he gently wrapped his arms around her._

_He wore blue a lot more from that day forwards._

_“Char? You’ve gotta go home…” Sam said, noticing how glassy her eyes were. She looked at him and shook her head. “Is…everything alright?”_

_“No.”_

_“Wanna talk about it?” He asked, folding his legs on his bed._

_“Yes.” She said instantly. She avoided his eyes as she started venting. How her parents were partying a lot more and it scared her, how exams were adding on to her current stress. How she just wanted to feel loved again. He took her hand._

_“Okay this is crazy for me to say but, Char, I really like you. More than a friend way. And when I saw you with my leather jacket on-“ Charlotte blushed. “-I couldn’t stop smiling. So charlotte, will you be my girlfriend?” A small smile formed on her face as she nodded._

_“I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”_

_“Come here.” He said, shifting and pulling her into a hug. She returned it, breathing in his scent. “You’re gonna be okay.” She nodded against his chest._

_“Thank you.” She said. He smiled and kissed the top of her head._

_“You can always count on me.”_

_They said “I love you” At their senior prom. They got married a few years later. And when Charlotte walked down that aisle in that dress, he felt his heart stop. He was the luckiest guy alive._

_“Sammy? Can I-can I talk to you?” She asked over the phone._

_“Sure, baby.”_

_“Um-“ She began but was quickly overwhelmed with tears._

_“Charlotte? Do you need me to come home?”_

_“I got back from the doctors…” She said._

_“Don’t tell me somethings wrong with the baby-“_

_“It’s gone.” She sobbed. “Sam the baby it-it’s gone. I miscarried I-“ He slammed the phone down. He grabbed his coat and left the station without another word._

_He was the luckiest man alive, until that night. He got drunk and drove himself home. He ignored Charlotte’s desperate pleads to reconnect with him. He walked into the nursery they’d planned for their baby. He tore everything down, with Charlotte asking him to stop. He didn’t._

_A week after this event Sam found another man in his bed. With his wife. And it destroyed him. So he turned back to the alcohol._

_And another week after, he found them in bed again. But Charlotte didn’t have her rings on. And she wondered why he acted like an asshole again. He slept on the couch. She didn’t know he’d seen her secret. But he did. And it had killed him._

Sam groaned as he awoke on the bed. No music. Freedom. He reached for Charlotte and she wasn’t there. He sat up, wincing from the aftermath of the pain, and heard soft sniffles across the room. And there she was. His wife. His Charlotte, crying, because of him. He heaved himself off the bed and limped towards her. His heavy boots clacking against the hard floor. He could see her tense up. “Hey. I won’t hurt you.” He said truthfully.

“Oh how do I know that, Sam?!” She snapped. Charlotte wasn’t the type to snap. This was his fault. “You left me alone after I lost our baby and you never looked back. You turned to alcohol and that was it. You say you won’t hurt me, and here I am!”

“Char-“

“No Sam! I trusted you! And you drank and you drank instead of facing your own problems-“

“Because I was scared, Charlotte! I was scared of hurting you! You never bothered speaking to me after we lost the kid goddammit! Don’t blame it all on me I know for a fact you slept with that guy from work like…more than twice. And you had your engagement and wedding rings off. Why? Why did you do it?”

“I just wanted to feel loved again, Sam!”

“I could have made you feel loved if you had just spoken to me!”

“Well I didn’t because you were flirting with that barista from Beanie’s-“

“No I wasn’t she was flirting with me! I never meant for it to happen-“

“Stop lying to me!” She screamed. Sam stumbled back before she dissolved into tears. He still approached her and knelt on the floor by her bed, kissing the back of her head.

“I still love you, baby…” He told her. She sniffed.

“I love you too, Sammy. I never stopped. I don’t know why I cheated I won’t do it again I promise-“

“Hey, Everyone grieves differently. I understand.” She rolled over to face him.

“Thank you for giving me a second chance.” Sam smiled sadly and wiped her tears.

“I’d do anything for you, Charlotte. Anything.” He said, kissing her softly.

 

And again, they were okay.


	28. Who Am I Now He's Gone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John McNamara...you know what that's a spoiler.  
> Emma and Paul reminisce on the first time they met each other.  
> -  
> AKA the first part of the chapter is HEAVY angst WOO.

Everyone had at least someone, except him. He stared out the window before even noticing Schaffer had put her hand on his shoulder. “General? Are you sure you’re alright?” She asked, genuine concern behind her eyes. He looked to her and pursed his lips, nodding. “I’m okay. Don’t worry.” And with that, they drove off.

 

Every time they drove into Hatchetfield it stung. He should be dead. He should be dead and _he_ shouldn’t. Schaffer was driving, giving McNamara the chance to light a cigarette. He never used to smoke. Not until he lost _him._ And that…that was only about a week ago. He stared at the rings on his finger. He’d been meaning to take them off, but they carried the reminder of who he truly was.

 

He shouldn’t be here. But he should.

 

McNamara lost all focus. Schaffer was the only member of his squad remaining. There should have been another. Another member of PEIP. But McNamara had made a stupid mistake and he was dead. Schaffer was right. He was promoted General due to his extreme amount of focus. And because he was gone, he’d lost all sanity. That specific member of PEIP made John McNamara…John McNamara. And he was gone. So the soldier with the cigarette often found himself losing focus asking himself “Who am I now that he’s gone.”

 

And he couldn’t answer that,

 

They approached Clivesdale and he found himself exhale. He was safe. But he wasn’t at the same time. He wasn’t safe from his memories, from his mind. And he knew it. So it would just be an endless cycle of self-hatred. To Schaffer and the Hatchetfield Survivors, John McNamara was a tough guy who felt zero remorse towards anyone besides those was an iPhone 6S. To John McNamara…he was heartbroken. As they pulled up towards McNamara’s house just about a mile away from the PEIP facility, Schaffer turned to him. “Sir?”

“Hmm?” He asked, snapping out of his trance.

“Would it be alright if I stop here tonight? You look as if you are in need of some company.” McNamara scoffed. Company. Of course he was in need of company. But he thought Schaffer was joking. As he looked back at her, he noticed her expression remained stern…yet caring.

“Wait, you’re serious?” She offered a firm nod. McNamara was astounded, to say the least. He played it off with a shrug.

“Sure, whatever, I’m going to bed. Spare room down the hall.” He said, unlocking the front door. The entire house remained it’s familiar scent of whisky. Not because he drank. Because _he_ did. And the homely smell of whisky was something he had grown to latch on to. Now that he was gone. He kept the pictures. Of the two of them and her. But three became one pretty quickly. And he couldn’t do anything about it except wallow in is sorrows. He walked to his bedroom. His eyes flicked to the right side of the bed. He wasn’t there. Of course he wasn’t. He was dead. He sighed as he grabbed his shirt. No. Not John’s. _His favourite shirt._ John pulled it on, indulging in his scent. He lay on the bed, staring at the brass photo frame. He looked so god damn happy. And he wasn’t here anymore. “I’d trade my life for yours.” He whispered, running his fingers gently over his dead husband’s face. “I fucked up, babe. I fucked up big time. You and Elle, you both should be here. But I fucked up. I miss you. I love you…” he said before putting the frame flat on it’s face. He turned to face his husband’s side of the bed, zoning out again. Zoning out to remember anything. To remember him.

* * *

 

_“And so I left high school and joined the army.” John shrugged, continuing to eat his pasta. He was sat around a table full of other PEIP members. He was sat around a table at the age of 20 with a few other members. One of which being Felicity Schaffer. Surrounding him around the breakroom table were Natasha Mitchells, Amber Saneson, Edward Kitak and Matthew Tren. Everyone was built in discussion when another recruit walked through the door. He went by the name of Nicholas “Nick” Johnson. John rolled his eyes. The two hadn’t really gotten off on the right foot. The blonde made eye contact with the brunette._

_“Anyways, General Icacks wants us in the main room.” He said, spinning around to exit. Schaffer elbowed John in the ribs._

_“His eyes are on his head.” And John blushed slightly._

_“Okay so maybe I am gay. What do I do with this information? Well, I definitely like that Nick guy he’s attractive. Secondly everyone else is homophobic so-“_

_“I’m not.” A sweet voice spoke from the door. John spun around._

_“Jesus Felicity.” He sighed. “Can you stop intruding on my conversations?”_

_“You had your door open.”_

_“Yeah that one’s on me then.”_

_“So…you’re gay?” She asked, sitting on his bed. He shrugged._

_“Yeah…you heard the rest.”_

_“Nick won’t keep his eyes off your ass, John.” John snorted._

_“Sure. I’ll keep telling myself that. “Nick Johnson stares at my ass.”_

_“I’m being honest!”_

_“Sure.”_

_“Anyways…Icaks wants to put you and Nick on a case…for the next few years.” John scrunched his face up in frustration._

_“Schaffer my gay ass is not gonna last.”_

_“Yeah you will!” She smiled. “You gotta pack.”_

_“Schaffer you gotta save me!”_

_“I love you, best friend, but I will not disobey our general’s orders.” He rolled hos eyes._

_“When I return, Imma beat your ass.” McNamara said, throwing his belongings in a case and taking it into the main area, where Nick Johnson stood. Nick was taller than John and so damn sexy. Their general saluted them away. They didn’t speak on the way there. Instead, they both got extremely drunk and hooked up. “I hate being a cadet sometimes.” He mumbled, lying next to Nick, who had his arm wrapped around him._

_“Yeah. It’s the absolute worst.”_

_When they woke up, they didn’t speak to each other. But John knew one thing. Schaffer was right._

_“Hey.” John said, shifting his weight on to his other foot awkwardly standing by the door. Nick turned around._

_“Hey dumbass-“_

_“We hooked up.”_

_“Yep.”_

_“So what does that make us?”_

_“Don’t know, don’t care.”_

_“Well…can we maybe talk about it?” Nick looked at him, shock hidden behind his green eyes._

_“Why not.” John nodded and sat down._

_“So uh…Schaffer said you kept staring at my ass…” He said, dropping his eyes to his enclosed hands._

_“Mhmm. Yep she got that right.” John looked up towards him. “Why are you surprised? I didn’t try to hide it.” He smiled. “I’ve known I was gay for years. Homophobia doesn’t affect me anymore.”_

_“Well it affects me…pretty badly.” He admitted. Nick smiled and went to sit next to him._

_“I will kill anyone who hurts you.” He said. “I swear.”_

_“Nick we aren’t dating, we can’t date!” John said, standing up suddenly. This caused Nick to stand up as well._

_“Hey. John. Listen to me okay? Nobody has to know.”_

_“People will still find out and ugh!” He sighed frustrated, throwing his hands down._

_“John-John hey.” Nick said, placing his hands on John’s shoulders. “Listen. Nobody’s gonna find out. And if they do, we’ll jump that hurdle when we come to it okay? So what do you say? Do you want to be my boyfriend?” John bit the inside of his lip, failing at a lame attempt to hide his smile._

_“Yeah I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.” Nick pulled him into a hug. “You’re warm.” John said. Nick chuckled._

_“Come on, it’s late. And we have to get up early.”_

_“Okay.” John smiled. He tugged on Nick’s hand and ran through the halls to Nick’s room. “Your bed’s bigger than mine.”_

_They were 21 when they first got together, 4 years later, they’d gotten married and moved in together. Nick was lying on the couch when the familiar jingle of keys outside of their front door woke him back up. He’d fallen asleep, but was now wide awake. McNamara walked inside, throwing his keys on the side. He shut the door before kneeling down beside him. He kissed Nick’s forehead. “Husband.”_

_“Wife.”_

_“Step back inside the box babe.” He said, getting off the floor._

_“Johnny I’m just joking.” John shook his head, sitting on the arm of the couch. “Anyways, how was work?” Nick asked, sitting up._

_“It was alright.” John said, moving closer to his husband. Nick wrapped an arm around him._

_“What are we talking when we say “alright”?” He asked. John smiled._

_“General John McNamara.” He said, folding his arms across his chest._

_“No fucking way!” John nodded excitedly. “You got promoted?!”_

_“Yes I did Colonel McNamara.”_

_“Shut up.” Nick said, nudging him playfully._

_“I would but I don’t want to.” John smirked. Nick rolled his eyes. “I love you, Nick.”_

_“I love you too, John.”_

_“I’m a higher rank than you-“_

_“LALALALA I’M NOT LISTENING!” Nick said, getting up and walking to the kitchen. John followed him through._

_“Babe I need coffee.” He said, sitting on the kitchen counter._

_“I’m already on it.” Nick smiled. A few seconds later Nick handed John a cup of coffee. John took a sip before setting it down besides him._

_“Mm-Nick!” he said. Nick turned around._

_“Yeah?”_

_“What about Eleanor? Did the adoption papers go through?” Nick shrugged. “Nicholas do not do this to me!”_

_“Yeah they went through. We’re gonna have a daughter, Johnny.” John smiled wider._

_“When do we pick her up?”_

_“Next week. She’s eleven so we’ll have to raise an angsty teen.”_

_“How hard can it be?” John asked smugly, folding his arms._

_It was incredibly hard._

_It took Eleanor, nicknamed Elle, a few months to trust her new fathers, learning to trust John quicker than Nick. They enrolled her in Hatchetfield High. She got along well. She was perfect. She had sandy blonde hair, like John, but had Nick’s green eyes. And not only was she smart, but she was a theatre kid. Nick had always wanted a theatrical kid. John often walked in to Elle sat on Nick’s knee, the two of them on piano. Nick playing some show tune with Elle singing along. And it was home._

_However, July 13 th 2018 changed everything. “Recent reports of a meteor coming closer to the Earth’s atmosphere have come into the foreground.” Felicity Schaffer said, looking at the futuristic screen before her. _

_“Fuck.” John sighed, throwing his head in his hands. “What exactly does this mean, Schaffer?”_

_“Allow me to explain, General.” She said. “Detected by PEIP’s shuttles, the meteor in question is set to hit Hatchetfield approximately July 27 th 2018.” _

_“Eleanor’s 18 th birthday. Perfect.” John said, not looking up from his current position. Schaffer bit the inside of her lip but continued. _

_“The meteor has been rumoured to be glowing some sort of luminescent purple/blue colour. New analysis results show that within the meteor there is some sort of alien spore contaminated with a disease. The meteor itself has been shown to be giving out rhythmic frequencies throughout the atmosphere implying that the landing location of the meteor PEIP are studying will be the Old Starlight Theatre in downtown Hatchetfield.”_

_“When the touring production of Mamma Mia is set to arrive….”_

_“Correct, sir.”_

_“So essentially this meteor is containing a musical pathogen within it, drawn magnetically to one of the oldest buildings in Hatchetfield?”_

_“Correct, sir.” John sighed._

_“Keep me updated, Colonel.” He said, grabbing his satchel and leaving the room. He walked to his car and drove home. He unlocked the door and threw his satchel on the couch._

_“DAD’S HOME!” Elle shouted from upstairs. On cue, Nick walked in with coffee._

_“GOT IT ELLE!” Nick shouted back, setting the coffee on the table before them. He looked to his husband and tilted his head to the side slightly. John was resting his elbow on the arm of the chair, his head resting against the same hand on the same arm. He was also drumming out a rhythm out on his leg. And most importantly he was zoned out. “What’s wrong?” Nick asked folding his arms across his chest. No response. “John?” He asked slightly louder. “John McNamara!” He shouted. John flinched as he faced his husband._

_“Hey babe.” He said, acting as if nothing was wrong. He reached for his coffee as Nick sat besides him. “How long were you there for?”_

_“Long enough to know something’s bothering you.” He said sitting down. John rolled his eyes, setting the coffee back down in front of him. “Don’t give me that look, John.” He sighed. “We’ve been married for…”_

_“11 years.”_

_“11 years. I know you like I know the back of my hand.”_

_“Sure.”_

_“John!” Nick said, frustrated._

_“Oh what now!”_

_“This isn’t you!”_

_“Yeah you’re right about one thing! This isn’t me!”_

_“Please, Johnny, I care about you! Just tell me what’s wrong.”_

_“Oh I’ll tell you what’s wrong. A meteor containing an alien pathogen that’s going to fucking kill people is set to hit Hatchetfield on the 28 th of July this year!” Nick was lost for words. _

_“Hmm?” he asked._

_“Hmm?” John mocked._

_“Johnny…” Nick sighed. “It probably won’t happen-“_

_“Oh my god Nicholas shut your fucking mouth for once! On Elle’s 18 th we’re all gonna fucking die and we can’t do anything about it!” John shouted, standing up.     Nick opened his mouth to speak but John cut him off. “We, PEIP, as an agency are supposed to prevent this sort of thing from happening and guess what, Nick. Guess what. We’ve done the exact opposite. A meteor is so close to entering Earth’s atmosphere and at this point it is unstoppable! There is no way to prevent it! We’re all going to die, I’m going to lose you and wow I need a cigarette!” He said, continuing to shout as he walked outside, reaching into his pocket and producing a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. He leant against the wall, lighting one. He pressed it to his lips as the flame bought it to life. He took a deep breathe before exhaling the smoke, instantly feeling calmer. _

_“Put it out.” Nick said from the door._

_“Yeah…not gonna happen.”_

_“You’ll regret it.”_

_“The world ends in like a week at this point I do not care.” Nick sighed. He hated seeing his husband in a state like this._

_“John McNamara, you’re the smartest guy I know. I know you’ll figure out a way to stop this meteor. We’ve been through enough. I refuse to let this be the end of us. So please, honey, put the cigarette out and come inside.” John looked at his husband. He rolled his eyes, but dropped the cigarette to the ground, stamping it out. “Thank you.” Nick said. John still rolled his eyes and pushed past him, sitting on the couch._

_“M-Hi Dad!” Elle said as she ran down the stairs. “I’m going out with friends, I’ll be back before 9 don’t worry!” She said before running out the house. Nick sat next to him._

_“Hey.” He said softly. “Come here.” He said, holding his arms outstretched. Immediately, John threw himself into Nick’s arms. “It’s okay you can cry.” John wrapped his arms around Nick tighter._

_“I’m just scared, babe.” He said as tears began falling down his face. “I don’t want anything to happen to you or Elle what am I gonna do if I lose you?” He asked, his voice cracking. Nick held him tighter._

_“You’re not gonna lose me, John. I’m gonna stay beside you until the end.” He said, letting the blonde bury his face deeper into his chest._

_“But you can’t say that, Nick. We can’t say anything if we don’t know if it’s determined the truth.”_

_“I know. But one of us has to be optimistic.”_

_“And it isn’t me.” John pulled away from his husband, wiping his tears. “I’m gonna start on the research to stop this son of a bitch.” He said, grabbing his satchel that contained his laptop._

_“Johnny?”_

_“Yeah >”_

_“Will you be coming to bed?” John  bit the inside of his lip again._

_“Yeah, Yeah I will.”_

_But he didn’t go to bed._

_July 28 th 2018 arrived quicker than John had hoped, and Flick was right. She’d managed to get off the island to Clivesdale. But he was unlucky. Elle was at school. He had no idea where Nick was, probably at the PEIP facility in HF. As the town went to chaos, he got to work designing masks. He put his on and put his PEIP uniform on, fit with a beret. He tied his hair up for once. He was John McNamara, and he meant business. He grabbed his gun and set out the house. He kept close communication with Schaffer, ensuring everything went to plan. As news spread there had been a breakout at Hatchetfield High, McNamara ran throughout the streets to rescue his daughter. But he was too late. At the gates he saw a familiar brunette. “John?” Nick shouted from the gates. John motioned for him to go to the wall. Elle was dead. And it was his fault. Placing his gun on the wall, he jumped up and over. As Nick approached him, he grabbed Nick’s wrist and started pulling him away from the high school. _

_“She’s dead.” John said, instantly. “Elle, she’s dead. I know because I saw her singing with Alice Simmons.” He heard Nick sigh sadly. “Nick for fucks sake pick your head up! We can’t expect people to pity us! This is our duty! We signed up for this! P.E.I.P we are supposed to save the world from alien invasions! And what are you doing? Crying because our daughter’s dead!”_

_“John I-“_

_“We can cry when we’re in Clivesdale sharing a cup of coffee. For now lock any other emotion away that isn’t either fury or determination and grow up!”_

_“John-“_

_“For fucks sake, you aren’t even in uniform you’re going to get killed!”_

_“You’re right about that last sentence…” John stopped and turned around to face his husband. There was a blade sticking through his chest. John’s breathing increased._

_“Hold your breath.” John said, beginning to panic slightly. He pulled Nick around the corner to a dark alleyway. He sat his husband down, making him wince. He gently turned Nick’s torso and grabbed a hold of the knife. “Those alien bastards!” John shouted in frustration._

_“Johnny you need to be quiet. They’re gonna hear us…” He said, running a hand through his hair._

_“Oh fuck- Nicky listen to me okay? I’m gonna pull the knife out then take you home and sew you up….”_

_“There’s a downside isn’t there?”_

_“If I pull it out wrong…you’re gonna suffer a lot of blood loss and-“ He cut himself off._

_“Do it.”_

_“What?”_

_“Babe do it. I trust you.” So he held on to Nick’s shoulder, gripping on to the handle of the knife with his left hand. He took a deep breathe and made a mental countdown. As he removed the blade, he heard Nick yelp. His hands were shaking as the knife clattered. The wound was a lot bigger than he thought._

_“Nick you’ve gotta get up.” John said. Nick nodded and stood up, wincing. “Can you walk?”_

_“Yep…” He held John’s hand. He took a few steps alongside John. “Nope…” he said before his legs gave way. John knelt in front of him._

_“Nicky come on we’ve got to get out of here. We’ve gotta go home-“ Nick shook his head._

_“I can’t.” he said breathlessly, his hand holding the stab wound._

_“What do you mean you can’t you were fine a second ago!” Nick pulled his hand away. Stained with purple. Not red._

_“Go. Save yourself. You have such a big role to fulfil-“_

_“No.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I’m not leaving you!”_

_“You’re gonna find a cure.” He said, holding his other hand and sliding his rings off. He held John’s hand, placing the rings in and closing his hand. “And I’m glad I die with my husband in such a sexy outfit.”_

_“Nick please you have to stay awake.”_

_“I love you. You’ll come back for me when you have a cure.”_

_“No…”_

_“I’ll take care of Eleanor.” He said, tears in his eyes. This triggered John to start forcing his back. John gently cupped Nick’s face, kissing him softly as the two started crying._

_“I’ll always love you, Nicolas McNamara.”_

_“And I will love you, John McNamara. I love you.” John nodded, wiping his tears away as the walky talky crackled._

_“Signs of human activity at Hatchetfield High.” Schaffer spoke._

_John let go of Nick’s hand. “Over.” He said, taking a final look at his dying husband. But he didn’t move. He pulled Nick into a hug. “I don’t want you dying alone, babe.” He said. “I’m not letting go until I know all of you is gone.” Nick nodded, becoming too weak to speak. His breathing became shallow as he fell limp in John’s arms. John let out a sob as he knew his husband was gone. “I’m sorry…” He said as he stood up and began walking the opposite direction. He had Nick’s iPhone 6S in his pocket. He needed the memories._

_“Good evening Paul, my name is General John McNamara.” He said, taking the brunettes hand. He shook it. They invested in conversation. “Is that an iPhone?” John asked, chewing on the cigarette._

_“Yeah, a 6S-“ Paul replied. Immediately, McNamara snatched it and threw it across the room._

_“Wear a watch!”_

_If McNamara couldn’t have nice things, neither could anyone else._

McNamara felt tears falling down his face as he turned away from the right side of the bed. He couldn’t bear to remember Nick. Nick or Elle. Because of him, his only family was dead. “So I found myself crushing on the most attractive guy I know, we got married, adopted a daughter together, and he died in my arms. And he’s out in Hatchetfield singing somewhere. And he’s protecting Elle but he should be with me!” He said.

“Sir?” Schaffer asked from the door. “Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear…about you and Mr Johnson.”

“Was Johnson. We got married.” He said, not facing her, beginning to block the tears from his eyes. To force the negative emotion away. “We got married 11 years ago and he’s dead because I made his stab wound bigger.” He said, his tone filled with anger. Schaffer walked in.

“We have a cure, don’t we? We can go and get him. Bring him back home. To you.”

“He’s going to hate me, Felicity.”

“Don’t be stupid. If he could stare at your ass 11 years ago, it’s unlikely he’s gonna hate you for you trying to save his life.” McNamara just shrugged and adjusted the chain around his neck that contained Nick’s rings.

“If that’s what you think, Schaffer.”

“No. I know it….”

* * *

 

Alice walked downstairs, swallowing the lump in her throat, as she tried to navigate herself around this weird house. It wasn’t weird in the way that it was unordinary, it was weird because she’d fallen sleep in a facility full of pure white and woken up in a house full of colour. Which confused her. A lot. But she was with her Uncle Paul, and his girlfriend, the nice barista from Beanies who always gave her and Deb free hot cocoa. She sighed as she remembered Deb. Deb and her curly brown hair. Deb and all the beanies she’d given Alice. Deb and the one time she’d let Alice do her makeup. Just Deb. But of course, Deb had fallen victim to the apotheosis and she had no idea if Deb had been revived as well as her, or if she was stuck in Hatchetfield with her father. She found the kitchen and placed her bowl in the sink. As she turned to walk upstairs, she saw Emma in the next room. Besides small talk at the Beanie’s counter, her and Alice had never held a proper conversation. And it was nerve wracking for Alice, who was socially awkward, She stood in the part of the kitchen that allowed Emma to not see her and began planning a…well a plan. A plan to navigate her upstairs without her having to make any conversation with her favourite barista at all. But every idea she thought of involved having to speak to Emma at least once. So she stood there, panicking, when Emma walked into the kitchen. Alice’s eyes sparked open as the two made eye contact. “Hey?” Emma said, well…more like asked.

“Hi…” Alice said, kicking at the floor nervously.

“Hey. I’m thinking of making a Paul a cake again today. Do you wanna help?”

“Would I?” She asked, her eyes now glinting with happiness. She nodded at once, all previous anxieties vanishing.

“Okay cool! I can’t bake for shit and end up burning everything so this’ll be handy. We need to wait until Paul’s going shopping though otherwise it’ll ruin the surprise.” Alice nodded.

“Yes ma’am!” And at once, Alice and Emma had built a pretty strong connection.

“Okay Alice come here!” Emma said, guiding her back to the kitchen where ingredients and things were lay out. “So what I was thinking is we could make a chocolate mint cake because I know your uncle really likes mint chocolate and things. And then, a little birdy also told me you enjoy making pie am I correct? Please tell me I’m correct and Paul didn’t just give me false information.”

“No…no I do like making pies! I used to make them for my girlfriend and my dad a lot of the time for their birthdays! And my girlfriend was vegan so I have lots of different tricks up my sleeve!”

“Nice! I tried to go vegan once…didn’t happen…anyways!” Emma said as she pointed to another counter on the other side of the kitchen. “Pie materials.” Alice smiled.

“Thank you Emma!”

“Hey! It’s nice having company in the kitchen that isn’t the human equivalent of a puppy with extremely fluffy hair and someone who actually wants to bake.”

“Oh-Emma! Can I…ask a question…music related?” Emma paused.

“Go on…”

“Usually I bake best when I listen to music, Waitress to be specific….um…do you mind if I put it on?”

“Waitress? I don’t think I’ve heard that one before.”

“So can I?”

“Feel free!”

“It’s sad!” Alice smiled, pulling her phone out and hitting play.”

* * *

 

A few hours later, Paul returned from the store with a lot more food than he’d intended to get. But obviously, most of it was chocolate. He’d had a run in with John McNamara and Felicity Schaffer in the store. He smiled politely and asked how everyone was doing. McNamara seemed to tense up as he mentioned the others getting cured, but Schaffer took over. She said they were planning to rehome Charlotte and Sam somewhere near him and Emma. She also said they were monitoring Deb closely so she’d be allowed to see Alice sometime soon. Schaffer had also mentioned how they were planning to search for Hidgens, Ted and Bill in the near future. McNamara’s eyes never left the floor. They said their farewells and went their separate ways. Paul didn’t see McNamara’s reaction as suspicious at all whatsoever. Just a bit…odd. And he hadn’t noticed the rings around his neck either. Still, Paul pulled up to his house and immediately heard high pitched laughter ringing out from the kitchen. Slightly concerned of what he’d see, he walked in anyways. Inside, he found Emma on the countertop surrounded by…a suspicious white substance, with Alice holding a fistful of it. Emma smiled as she looked towards the door, gasping loudly, her eyes wide with fear. “ALICE DON’T THROW IT!” Emma shouted, but Alice laughed and threw it anyways, coating Emma in the substance. Paul raised an eyebrow. Upon further inspection, the entire kitchen was covered in the powder. He crossed his arms looking from Emma to Alice. Alice’s laughter died out as she turned towards her godfather. “It’s not cocaine I swear!” Emma said, jumping down from the counter and running towards him. Paul backed away.

“Okay I am very confused…I left for a few hours and the house is covered in…?”

“It’s only the kitchen that’s covered in flour actually!” Emma corrected.

“And us!” Alice laughed. “Also! We were baking look!” She said as she pointed to the side. “We baked cakes and pies and things! Well I baked pie Emma baked cake-“

“We had a competition!” Emma smiled, like a child. Paul rolled his eyes.

“Both of you need baths, that’s what you need to do.”

“Okay…but no eating cake or pie without us Paul Matthews!” Emma warned, stripping down to her underwear. Paul was pretty shocked as she ran upstairs to get clean. Alice stood there giggling to herself.

“Oh-that’s a girl thing Uncle Paul no need to seem so distraught all of a sudden.” Alice said, crumpling into another burst of laughter. Paul walked over to her.

“Come on. We’ve got to clean up.”

“Nooooo!”

“Alice. I’ll pay you.”

“Done.” Together, they managed to wipe the sides and the cabinets down. Alice, however, was still coated head to toe in flour. Paul walked over to her.

“You’ve got some sugar on your nose hold on.” He said as he threw some remaining flour at her.

“Uncle Paul!” She whined as Emma came back downstairs.

“Go and take a shower, Alice.” Paul laughed. Emma wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Emma Perkins, I know that you’re there.”

“Goddamit Paul you ruin everything.”

“That’s a lie, you know I make everything better.”

“Yeah you do….come try Alice’s pie!” She said as he cut him a slice.

“Cherry pie?”

“Yes honey?” Emma smirked.

“Oh my god-“

“You love me really.”

“Of course I do.” He said taking a bite. “I live in a house full of amazing chefs.” He smiled. And everything was okay.

* * *

 

But in Hatchetfield something was lurking. Something big. Something bad. Call it…a homewrecker if you must. But he won’t stop for anyone. And his one goal, his only goal after he’s cured, is to find Emma Perkins and to win her back. He’s creeping round the back alleys, everyone knows his name except him. So who exactly is he?

 

Nick held Elle’s hand tightly. “Eleanor, we have to get far away from him. Now.”


	29. It Was Something I Pined For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big Sad Hours featuring:  
> John McNamara and Nick...wait that's a spoiler  
> Flick Schaffer has time for nobody's shit  
> Paul has to make a decision.

McNamara woke up, facing Nick’s side of the bed again. He sighed as he stared down at his clothes. He’d swore he’d move on, yet he was lying in Nick’s shirt. His dead husband Nick’s shirt. He hardly recognised himself when he stared in the mirror.

 Usually when he went to look in the mirror, it was to get changed. And as he got out of bed, Nick would wake up, mumbling some nonsense. It made the blonde smile. Then he’d walk to the bathroom after changing to brush his teeth. Nick would follow him in, wrapping his arms around McNamara’s waist. John would utter something like “you utter twat.” But Nick would just place his chin atop of John’s head, as the two stared into the bathroom mirror. Sometimes, Nick wouldn’t let go so John would elbow him, hard, in the stomach. It was one of the many things that made them laugh. They’d go to work, he’d drop Elle off at school, before meeting Nick at the PEIP facility. Of course, nobody knew they were married besides the two of them, meaning they’d usually have to keep away from each other in order to prevent blowing their cover. Nick got off shift before John so he’d ask to see his General (John had since taken over from their previous general,) kiss him goodbye and pick Elle up from school. John got home three hours later.

But John was staring at himself in the mirror. The shirt was black in colour with the words _Yours Only_ on it. “You were mine.” He sighed, walking to the bathroom to get changed. He just felt incredibly alone. There was a knock at the door. Before he could do anything, the door open. John just acknowledged the fact he’d been caught and sat on the bed. Schaffer walked in. He faced away from his co-worker, lighting another cigarette.

“Is that your shirt? Or is it Colonel McNamara’s?” She asked. John sighed, inhaling the smoke.

“At this point, it doesn’t matter. Look why are you here?”

“There have been updated coordinates fed on to the system via other PEIP agents for Miss Eleanor McNamara and Mr Nicholas McNamara.” John looked up. “They were last sighted around the alley way down by Hatchetfield High, ten minutes away from 12 Stratford Lane.”

“Our old place…” John whispered, taking the cigarette out of his mouth. Schaffer nodded.

“Do you believe you’d be ready to see if you could restore your family?” John’s heart thudded against his chest. His only chance to see his husband again. To get him back. To get him and Elle back. To be a family yet again. He nodded.

“Any updates on Mr Hidgens?”

“Located around the same area, Mr Simmons and Mr Harris there as well.” He nodded.

“We’re gonna need more people.” Schaffer looked at him.

“No! We aren’t endangering him because you’re too stupid to-“

“Train him if anything goes wrong. He’s a valid candidate.” John said, grabbing his bullet proof vest and putting it on.  He walked past Schaffer and to the Jeep. He grabbed his oxygen mask. They’d be alright by the end of the day.

* * *

 

They approached Hatchetfield. John tightened his mask. He wasn’t losing his husband again. “Do you think you can take Hidgens?” John asked. Schaffer nodded. He loaded his gun with tranquiliser darts and got out of the Jeep. He took a deep breath. He was gonna see Nick again. His Nicky. He walked around Hatchetfield, stance fixed. And then he saw it. The flash of brunette. He bit his lip inside of the mask. He picked his regular gun out of his pocket and fired a warning shot into the sky to draw his attention. Nick and Elle spun around. “Now do you want to do this the easy way, or the hard way?” John said, his voice bitter. He was using his own words. To lock any emotion away that wasn’t determination.

“Look who it is, Elle. It’s your father!” Nick said as he turned around. The stain from the stab wound was now a vibrant blue. It was nauseating to look at. But this time he couldn’t draw his eyes away from it. It was a distraction from his husband and daughter’s equally bright blue eyes. Elle’s neck was bent to the side. Permanently. Her neck was snapped. That was how his daughter died. “He’s come to say hello!” John aimed the gun, his eyes narrowing.

“We’re doing this the hard way, are we?” John asked, his lip curling unintentionally.

“But dad! It’s not fun if it’s easy.” Elle said, staring at her father.

“Exactly. Your father is a liar, Eleanor.” John looked towards Nick.

“…What?”

“He thought that getting drunk and spending time at other people’s houses wouldn’t end in affairs.” John had never had an affair. He never planned to. _“_ And I know about them all.”

“I never had an affair-“ John said, trying to argue. But they started tapping out a rhythm. John looked to his husband, who was humming by now.

 _“I hear my name. I hear the trash you’re talking, in you’re talking in your sleep. The secrets that you’re keeping. A chick. That’s smart. Did you really think that you could keep him in the dark?”_ Nick began to sing. He hadn’t had an affair. But this was just the Hive’s way to weaken him, and therefore get John to join. “Does he purr? Does he make it hard? Hard to speak. Does he dress the part? I’m sure he’ll take some getting used to. Darlin, he won’t ever be me.” He continued singing.

“I didn’t have an affair-!” John tried fighting, but was unsuccessful.

 _“I felt the bite, take a spit, suck the poison out of me. I’ll make you beg, make you come to your senses if you keep up the shit, take the hit, dig the grave._ _This is how it goes down. This is how it goes down. Gonna run, gonna scream, gonna crawl round on your knees when you realise that no one’s gonna measure up to me. Doesn’t matter cause I’m over it now. This is how it goes down. This is how it goes down.”_ Nick continued singing. John just had to watch. Slowly, as Nick continued walking towards him, John found himself backing up against a wall, his breathe shortening. However, he remained staring through the gun. He’d save his husband if it was the last thing he did. _“I’m gonna rage, stay out really late, I’m gonna hang with all my friends you hate. I may try that threesome, better late than never and better without you.”_ John tried backing away more, but flinched when his back pressed against the brick. Elle stayed in the distance, letting Nick do all the work. _“_ _This is your future as I see it. You will be homeless, poor and broken. He will have left you when he finds out who you are.”_

“I didn’t cheat!” He tried again, but Nick kicked his knees, forcing John to fall to the ground, his gun now unreachable. He was fucked.

“You’re nothing but an extra, and baby I’m the star!” Nick continued. John dodged his husband’s flailing arms and began crawling over to his gun. “I felt the bite, take a spit. Suck the poison out of me-“

“I’m not joining you!” He said as Elle got to the gun before John did. He scrunched his face up in frustration.

 _“I’ll make you beg, make you come to your senses if you keep up the shit, take the hit, dig the grave. This is how it goes down, this is how it goes down. Gonna run, gonna scream, gonna crawl round on your knees. When you realize that no one’s gonna measure up to me. Doesn’t matter cause I’m over it now. This is how it goes down. This is how it goes down.”_ And then Nick approached John again, crouching to his level, forcing John to look into his husband’s eyes. _“_ _I suppose this is how the story goes, but ever since that door closed, I've been going down, down, down, down. The drain and the pain got me nauseous. I should have been more cautious or clever. Whatever. You'll never find a dude with a better head game, and you can take that both ways. You laughin' like I'm playin' wit your fingers up like oh ? Wish you would have a threesome without me I pull a O. G. And text you something criminal and pictures from my old days_ _._ _I felt the bite, take a spit, suck the poison out of me. I’ll make you beg, make you come to your senses if you keep up the shit, take the hit, dig the grave. This is how it goes down, this is how it goes down. Gonna run, gonna scream, gonna crawl round on your knees when you realize that no one’s gonna measure up to me. Doesn’t matter cause I’m over it now. This is how it goes down. This is how it goes down.”_ Now Nick was extremely close to John’s face. He lifted the mask off his face. He clicked the button on his radio.

“Sir?” Schaffer asked.

“Man down.” He said, putting the radio back in his pocket. He looked at Nick, who was smiling. “This had better be worth it, Nicholas McNamara.” He said, cupping Nick’s face and pulling him into a kiss. He shut his eyes, waiting. Waiting for _it._ He felt Nick lurch forwards, but he remained in the kiss. He felt the liquid in his mouth. It tasted…like what windex smelt like, lemon and mint. He remained secure in the kiss. He couldn’t live without his Nicky. As Nick pulled away, John stood up. But he didn’t. His body was still on the floor. He looked down. His hands were blue. Like a shadow, a glowing blue shadow. And he looked over to the alleyway. Nick and Elle.

* * *

 

“Dad’s coming here?” Elle asked Nick. Well, the ghostly form of Elle McNamara asked. Nick stood there as he heard the faint engine of a Jeep in the distance. He didn’t respond. “What are we gonna do? Papa we don’t have any control over our bodies-what if we kill dad?!” She asked, panicking.

“Elle…Elle listen to me.” He said, wrapping a translucent arm around his daughter. “Even us, as infected beings, know we can’t kill him. And even then, your father’s a smart man. He’s gonna make sure he doesn’t die. He’s strong.” Elle nodded.

“Okay…he’ll be okay?”

“He’s come to get us.” He explained. As the warning shot was fired, the two could do nothing but watch. As they realised their bodies were attempting to kill John, they both tried to take control but it didn’t work. They were transfixed against the wall. They could only watch. Then he saw John pull his radio out. “John.” Nick called.

“Man down.” John said, unable to hear his husband.

“JOHN!” Nick shouted louder. He had to watch his husband die. He saw John stand up as he lost control of his body. They looked at each other. “John…” Nick said softly as he walked towards his husband, his arms open. John pulled Nick into a hug, resting his head against his chest, immediately melting into tears.

“I couldn’t do it, Nicky I tried I couldn’t-“

“Shh it’s okay.” He said. “I know. I know it’s hard.” John nodded against his chest. And then they all felt the rhythm. John’s body got off the floor. John held on to Nick tighter. “John, I’ve got you okay? Right now, we’re gonna wait for Flick right?” John nodded again. “Okay? So we just have to…keep out of the way of…them…” He said.

What once was John McNamara was lifted off the floor and on to his feet by his husband. His eyes now glowing electric blue. The beat coming naturally to him.

 _“La la la la la. La la la la la la. La la la la, la. La la la la.”_ Elle began, letting her fathers sing the rest of the song.

“Alright sir. Sure I’ll have another one it’s early. Three olives, shake it up I like it dirty. Tequila for my husband, makes him flirty. Trust me I’m the instigator of underwear. Showing up here and there. Uh oh.”

 _“Oh no.”_ Nick continued, wiping the blood falling from John’s mouth away.

_“I’m always on a mission from the get-go.”_

_“Get go.”_ Nick mimicked.

_“So what if it’s only 1 o’clock in the afternoon? It’s never too soon t send out all the invitations to the last night of-“_

_“Your life!”_ All three chorused. _“Lordy, Lordy, Lordy! I can’t help it I like to party.”_

 _“It’s genetic.”_ John smirked.

_“It’s electrifying!”_

_“Wind me up and watch me go. Where he stops, nobody knows. A good excuse to be a bad influence on you_.” The McNamara husbands sang. At the same time, Schaffer approached the alleyway in the Jeep, Hidgens safely locked away. She knew this would go wrong. Why ever she trusted him to do this alone, she didn’t know. But she was prepared and poised.

 _“Alright ma’am.”_ Nick sang, his head snapping, pointing at her.

 _“Ma’am.”_ John followed, also pointing at Flick..

 _“Calm down I know your friend said he was in my house. He was the captain of the agency but I turned him down. He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last to tone it down. This happens all the time.”_ They began walking towards Schaffer.

_“I’m a story to tell the alibi. They wanna go home, I asked them why. It’s daylight.”_

_“Not night.”_

_“They might need a break from all the real life.”_

_“Get a life_.” Nick sang, in reference to getting Schaffer to join them.

_“It gets to be too much sometimes It's never too late to send out all the invitations to the last night of-“_

“ _Your life!”_ The three sang again.

 _“Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. I can’t help it I like to party. It’s genetic! It’s electrifying. Wind me up and watch me go, where he stops, nobody knows. A good excuse to be a bad influence on you.” The husbands sang again, never drawing their eyes away from Schaffer. “I'm off to see the doctor. I hope she has a cure. I hope she makes me better. What does that even mean? We don’t know. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. I can’t help it I like to party. It’s genetic! It’s electrifying. Wind me up and watch me go, where he stops, nobody knows. A good excuse to be a bad influence on you. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. I can’t help it I like to party. It’s genetic! It’s electrifying. Wind me up and watch me go, where he stops, nobody knows. A good excuse to be a bad influence on you.”_ The song ended. Schaffer shook her head.

“I do have a cure alright.” She said, lip curled intentionally. Three shots. One piercing the three of them. Felicity manoeuvred the three of them into the back of the van, collecting John’s mask and gun from the floor before turning the air conditioning. She drove back to Clivesdale, calling for help to get the four inside. She wouldn’t be able to do it herself. She required a lot of assistance. Henry was dragged into one room with Elle being placed next to the McNamara’s. As the darts were plucked, she quickly ran out the rooms and into the control room. As the four of them started waking up, she clicked the button that released the cure R-3D into the cells. She watched from the cameras the reactions. Henry barely moved, Elle only flinched when her neck was snapped back into place, Nick winced at every movement, but by far the worst reaction was John’s. He was thrashing against the covers of the bed he was lay on, scratching at his skin. And Schaffer had to look away. She couldn’t watch her best friend go through that.

* * *

 

As the chemical was introduced into the room, John was met with a strong amount of pain. He never dealt well with pain, emotionally or physically. He grit his teeth in attempt not to scream out in pain, but it didn’t stop the tears falling from his now hazel eyes. And Nick knew this. He’d known John for 11 years, he knew his pain tolerancy. He heard John’s breathing, even with his teeth clenched, come out in sobs. He hauled himself off the bed, limping towards John, still in a mild amount of pain. That didn’t apply to John, though. John’s back was facing Nick. “John?” Nick asked softly. He could see John tense up as he sobbed again. Nick knelt down by the side of the bed, gently running his hand through John’s hair. “Take small breaths and listen to me.”

“It hurts Nicky.” John said, practically gasping for air. Nick gently moved his husband over to lie next to him. He gently rolled John over. John buried his face into Nick, who’s stab wound was now fully healed. “It hurts so bad.”

“I know. I know it does. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to hold you and to make you feel better.”

“It hurts so bad Nick please make it stop.”

“I can’t, Johnny. But I’m gonna get you through this. John listen to me okay? I’m right here.”

“I thought you’d hate me.” He admitted.

“Why would I hate you?”

“I swore none of us would get hurt. I swore I’d stop this entire thing and I’m about to wave goodbye to my title of a general.”

“Hey.” Nick said. “Honey, you aren’t getting demoted back to a Colonel. You’re an amazing general! And anyone who says otherwise will be speaking to my gun.” He felt John smile, but then heard him hiss.

“I love you, Nicky. But I am about to throw up all the shit you puked into my mouth.”

“You’re gonna be sick?”

“Big time.” John groaned, pulling away from Nick. Nick reached under the bed and found a bucket. He shrugged at the irony of the situation, but handed it to John. John took it as he gagged. Nick rubbed his back, reassuring him.

“You’re okay. It’s just your body getting rid of the infection. You’re okay.” He said. John groaned and passed the bucket back to Nick, who slid it back underneath the bed. He was shaking again.

“Nick I feel so sick.”

“You’re going to, honey.” He said, stroking his husband’s hair.

“I’m a fucking general and I’m crying because I don’t deal well with pain and on top of that I’m throwing up. I’m supposed to be strong!” He said frustrated.

“John, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, you are strong!”

“To you…” Nick sighed.

“But I love you. And I am not leaving you.”

“I won’t leave you either. Because I love you too much.” He said, nestling his face further into Nick’s shirt. “And me trying to see you again? It was something I pined for, I can’t lie.”

“You’re wearing my shirt, hun.”

“So what?”

“My favourite shirt.”

“That you aren’t getting back. “

“I was gonna say you could keep it anyways.” Nick smiled, kissing the top of John’s head. “I love you, Johnny.”

“Love you too, Nick.”

* * *

 

Schaffer looked through the cameras and noticed unusual activity coming from one of the areas. And then he remembered McNamara’s request. Ring Paul. She scrolled through the numbers. _Matthews, Paul._ “Bingo.” She hit ring.

Paul was snuggled against Emma on the couch under a blanket as she started drifting off to sleep. He yawned as his phone rang.

“No Paul don’t move!” Emma whined.

“I’ve gotta my phones ringing-hello.” Paul yawned.

_“Hi, this is Colonel Schaffer speaking. Am I correct when I say this is Mr Paul Matthews?”_

“Uh…yes it is. “

_“Alright. Hey Paul, I’m speaking on behalf of General John McNamara. He got infected earlier today and is in the early stages of recovery. However, his one wish was if anything were to happen to him, he would like me to train you to become a PEIP agent. The salary pays well. I will train you personally. It’ll only start as a day a week until we find you a new job. So, what do you say?”_

Paul looked to Emma. He bit the inside of his lip. He had to make a decision. He opened his mouth. “My answer is-“


	30. Where Were You When Dad Died?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what's this??? im sad so paul has to meet his niece for the first time even though she's 18??? and emma getting triggered because of hidgens??? A* ideas.   
> -  
> or:  
> In today's chapter:  
> Emma makes Paul's choice for him.   
> Paul meets his niece for the first time.   
> Emma has to make another important choice, which is probably gonna end in me crying ngl.

“Who’s that?” Emma asked in a low whisper.

“PEIP, Schaffer.” Paul mouthed in reply.

“Why?” Paul pulled the phone away from his ear and covered the speaker.

“McNamara had…an incident. She wants to train me.” Paul turned back to his phone, feeling Emma’s glare. Paul looked back to Emma, biting the inside of his lip. “I have my answer. I-“

“He will not be doing any sort of training!” Emma said, snatching the phone away from Paul’s ear. Paul blinked to register what Emma had done. “I will. Hi, Emma Perkins.”

_“Oh! Emma! How are you? How’s your leg?”_

“My leg is fine, Schaffer.” Emma sighed. “Look, when do you want me to start training.”

_“I will pick you up personally at 9AM tomorrow morning.”_

“Fine. I’ll see you then.” Emma said, hanging up the phone and giving it back to Paul, now extremely annoyed. She folded her arms and moved away from Paul.

“You didn’t have to do that…” Emma laughed.

“Oh? Didn’t I?” She replied, not looking at him. “They only wanted _you_ because I’m a woman.”

“I think it’s to do with your PTSD-“

“SHUTUP PAUL!” She burst. “They are out here ringing you, my boyfriend, to join them, a murder base that deals with alien infections-babe! I can’t lose you to that!” Paul went to speak again, but Emma silenced him. “Just. Listen. To. Me. For 5 seconds. Please.” She said, her tone almost breathy. Paul bit the inside of his lip harder, the taste of copper filling his senses. “I know what PEIP are like. You don’t. Not fully. They expect you to be the hero because you’re tall, you’re well built like woO my boyfriend has muscles, you look intimidating, but in reality you’re a guy with crippling anxiety! And me?” She shrugged. “I’m just Emma Perkins, the girl who has to be carried on bad days because she can’t move her fucking leg. I’m also a woman let’s throw that out there. There are a lot of misogynists in the world. And ya know what? Women do have no rights. So lets do this baby, I know the law.”

“Emma…” Paul sighed. “It’s not all bad. I mean…okay you’re in a bad mood and-“

“You’re a dork.” Paul tensed up. “You don’t need to try to make me feel better everytime okay?”

“Okay…” Emma moved back towards him.

“Did I upset you?” Paul shook his head.

“Just frightened.” Emma kissed him, smiling slightly.

“Don’t be, babe. That wasn’t the worst side of me.”

“Do I want to see the worst side of you?”

“The answer to that is no, no you don’t.”

* * *

 

McNamara awoke the day afterwards. Nick had obviously fallen asleep against him, even though he wasn’t really supposed to in the facility, as he felt a heavy weight on his shoulder. He inhaled sharply, praying it was his husband and not some random sleeping with him. He turned, wincing slightly, still in pain. He was greeted with his husband, asleep, as he’d theorised. John kissed Nick’s forehead before manoeuvring himself away from him. He stretched and felt his arm click. He winced at that, shaking his arm to regain feeling, as he entered the code to be let out of the room. He shut the door, limping to the control area, sitting in the nearest chair. He released the breath he’d been holding from the journey from the bleak, bland room to the comforting darkness of the control panel. He shut his eyes, still in Nick’s shirt, as the door opened. The strong scent of coffee immediately filled the room. He’d been dead for…only a few minutes? Yet he would die for another cup of coffee. He continued looking at the screens knowing full well who was at the door. That familiar sigh. “Sir.” Schaffer began. “You realise when Colonel McNamara wakes up, he’ll have a panic attack?”

“Speakers.” He said, simply. He sat back up in his chair, straight, wincing as he did so. Schaffer sat in the chair next to him.

“You aren’t fit for service, Sir. Whether you want to admit it or not, you know you aren’t. Get your ass back in with your husband.” John snorted.

“Nice attempt, Schaffer. As if I’m gonna go back into the room I hate the most with the colour I hate the most. Yeah, very nice attempt.”

“So you’re really playing the selfish card right now?”

“Yes. I. Am.” Schaffer sighed again.

“I’m training a new candidate. She’s in with Hidgens right now.” John’s eyes immediately focused on the camera.

“She?! What about Matthews?!”

“Miss Perkins supposedly snatched the phone away from Miss Perkins. She took the position instead.”

“She’s going to get murdered!”

“I’ve already warned her so, but she’s stronger than what you originally thought.”

“When did she come in?”

“Picked her up at 9. Been in there since half 9. The time is…1PM.” McNamara groaned.

“Goddamit Flick.” He sighed. This took Felicity by surprise. He hadn’t addressed her by her nickname in…years. 11 years to be precise. At that time, John saw Nick losing his shit in the camera. John clicked the button. “Hey! Hey babe!”

“JOHN MCNAMARA I SWEAR TO GOD-“

“I’m in the control panel-“

“YOU GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!”

“I know I’m sorry…”

“I JUST WOKE UP AND YOU WERE GONE AND ELLE MESSAGED ME ASKING FOR YOU AND I WENT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION AND YOU WEREN’T FUCKING THERE AND-“

“The code’s 6 for Andrea, 4 for Pine, 7 for Whiskey, 9 for McNamara.” John said, tilting his head back in the chair. He shut his eyes, switching the speaker off. A few minutes later he heard the door to the control panel swing open.

“John McNamara you utter ass-“ Nick said, spinning the chair around and pulling him into a kiss. “I hate to love you sometimes.”

“No you don’t.”

“I said sometimes.”

* * *

 

“Miss Perkins?” Schaffer asked Emma, who was dressed in a black turtleneck in black leggings. Her hair was tied into a neat bun. She’d reassured Paul she’d be alright and that she’d get picked up at 2. So Emma glanced back to Schaffer.

“Sorry, yeah?”

“He’s in there.” Emma looked at the door. She nodded, pushing the door open. Sitting on the bed, replaying the only glimpse she got of the man there, was the guy she thought she knew. She shut the door, giving the two privacy. Her heartbeat was racing too quickly.

“Why did you do it?”

“Do what?” His voice was gruff. It gave her goosebumps.

“I don’t know-tie me up to a chair? Attempt to murder me?” “

“Emma, it was the infection-“ Hidgens spoke, moving his hair out of his eyes.

“Sure.” Emma retaliated, finally lifting her gaze off of the floor. He wasn’t the Hidgens who taught her biology. His hair was matted and his skin was grey. He looked…so much older than he did when she last saw him. “Oh…” He was telling the truth. She knew he was.

“Do you really believe, that after everything I have helped you through, I would attempt to just throw you away? By killing you in my own basement? Wouldn’t that seem suspicious?”

“Yes but-“

“But what?”

“You injected my neck with-“ Her hand gingerly rubbed the small mark on her neck where the needle had once been inserted.

“Again, the infection controlling me.” Hidgens said. And Emma felt herself fall for it. Immediately, her face crumpled and she bolted towards Hidgens, her bad leg aching with every step. Hidgens held out his arms and allowed her to fall in to him. But he forgot one thing. She wasn’t just in Brigadoon in High School to be mistaken for a damsel in distress. When the chance was right, she stopped crying and grabbed his arm, twisting it behind his back. There was an obvious wince that come from his body, but she didn’t care. She stared into his eyes, ignoring the ghosts of tears that were once falling down her face. Hidgens, however, looked startled.

“Did you really think, after being tied to a chair in your basement that I’d just forgive you like that?” Yes. She already had. But she knew Schaffer was watching her. “After you injected me with some sort of drug to knock me out without my consent, tied me to a chair in your basement and then attempt to fucking murder me?! After you and Greg and Stu had left, I had to get myself out of those ropes! Paul hadn’t returned to untie me and Ted had pulled a runner on me, untying himself and not me. So again, I was alone. That was the one thing you said I wouldn’t be. And that backfired. Instantly.”

“And the time is?” Hidgens asked, remaining calm.

“Half 1.”

“What time did this Paul say he was picking you up?” A devilish glint flashed in Hidgens’ eye, which wasn’t noticeable to Emma, appeared.

“2…”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Or is that what time he wanted you to think? And he could be going to flirt with his mistress?”

“No. Paul doesn’t have a mistress. He’s not the type of guy to do that-“

“You’re very tense, Emma. Are you sure he’s telling you the truth?”

“I mean…we did have a fight earlier because he tried to stop me from doing what I wanted…”

“And what does that say about him?” Emma paused. “Exactly.” Hidgens continued. “You know what decision you need to make.”

* * *

 

 

Paul pulled up to the front of the building at 2 sharp. He sighed a sigh of relief as he went to see Emma. To pick her up. He hadn’t stopped worrying about her. Hidgens was a dangerous man. He knew that. The entire population of Hatchetfield knew that. After all, the Matthews family had suffered the consequences of his wrath.

* * *

 

_“His name’s Paul and he’s 4. Not Pail!” Cameron Matthews said, standing up for his younger brother. The two looked a like, except Cameron was a lot more verbal. Even at the age of 6, Cameron was more easy on the eye and had better pronunciation of his words. The bullies ran away from Paul, intimidated by Cameron. Cam knelt by his brother, who was curled up, shaking. “Hey, baby bro? It Cam okay?” He said, speaking like a typical 6 year old. “Cam gonna protect you.” He said, inching closer to his brother. A crying Paul Matthews moved into the safety of his older brother’s grasp. “Cam gonna beat someone up!”_

_“What that mean?” Paul sniffed, wiping his teary eyes._

_“Hurt a person, bro.” Paul smiled._

_“Thank, Cam.”_

_“Not a problem, Paul.”_

_Cam was there when Paul was diagnosed with severe anxiety. He was 8. His mother and father were arguing outside again and the papers were lay in front of them. For a 10 year old, Cameron understood surprisingly well and made sure to take extra steps to ensure his brother was okay._

_High school was different. At the age of 14, Paul had homophobic slurs thrown at him one day and was then beaten up. Cameron hadn’t gotten there quick enough. Paul lost trust in Cameron for a while._

_However, once, Cameron needed his brother to defend him. His mother was being an asshole, drunk as per usual, and was shouting at him. It made Cam’s ears ring. He texted Paul from his pocket so he didn’t get caught. Paul was the only one who could calm his mother down. Paul dragged Cam to his room after calming their mom down._

_“What did she do this time?” He asked Cameron gulped nervously._

_“Well funny story…”_

_“It’s not funny you know I can read your sarcasm.”_

_“I’m gonna be a dad, you’re gonna be an uncle, and I’m fucked.” Cameron cut off. Paul blinked._

_“Holy shit.”_

_“I know.”_

_“And you’re keeping it?”_

_“For definite.”_

_“Why?” Paul asked confused. Horror spread across Cam’s face. “No! I’m just confused and ugh-“_

_“No! It’s…she wants to keep it. And I want a kid. So…we’re keeping it.”_

_“Oh. Cool.” Paul smiled. “Cool!” And Cameron nodded._

_On the 30 th of September, when Cameron was 17, he went around to Professor Hidgens’ house. What the Matthews family didn’t know was that Cam and his girlfriend had signed up for some experiment which could kill them if it went wrong. Paul threw up at the scene when they went to identify the body. At the scene was a crying baby. She was put into an adoption home. Cameron’s brown hair was drenched with blood, the same for hers, except she had sandy blonde hair. Cameron’s green eyes were bloodshot. Cameron was 17 when he died at the hands of Henry Hidgens. And Henry Hidgens had fled the scene. _

_And that was the first time Paul felt truly alone. His brother wasn’t there anymore. No more bantering about girls. No more discussing his niece. No more…being brothers. Because the best person in Paul’s life was dead. He never had imagined the day would come so soon. But (it was at this point, J started crying tears) it had. And Paul had never felt so alone. He had only seen a brief glance of his niece._

_The funeral was horrible. It was too quiet. And the entire room was covered in the colour blue to remember him. To remember his brother. Nobody spoke to each other after the ceremony. Every year after, Paul went to Cameron’s grave and talked to it for a few hours. It made him feel better. But he just wished he’d fought harder to stop Cam from going out that night. He had no idea where his niece was._

So on the 30th of September 2018, as Paul pulled up to the PEIP facility to collect the best person in his life. And it hit him. He wouldn’t be able to talk to Cameron’s gravestone. It was probably obliterated by now. And it made Paul’s hands shake. The blue of the funeral. The blue of the apotheosis. The niece he’d longed to see, missing, because Cam was dead due to Henry Hidgens. And he pulled up to the PEIP facility at 2 PM sharp, tears in his eyes. As he walked in and started scanning the area for the room Emma was in, a girl with sandy blonde hair knocked into him. “Oof- sorry!” She said, looking up at him. She tilted her head. Green eyes. Sandy blonde hair. Green eyes. Cam’s green eyes, Cam’s green eyes were staring back at him.

“Cameron?” Paul whispered. The girl looked at him, confused. He snapped out of his trance. “Sorry…sorry it’s just…your eyes look extremely familiar to my brother he died…17 years ago today…”

“I mean, the guys at the orphanage had always told me the story that when I was 1 my momma and papa died in some science experiment that had been botched and-“

“Were their names….Cameron Matthews and Sophia Jens?” The girl looked up at Paul.

“Yes…they were…did you know my father? My mother?” She said. Paul smiled.

“Paul Matthews, I-um, I didn’t _just_ know your father I was um-I was his brother…” The girl smiled widely.

“I’m Elle! Well, that’s what my adopted fathers call me…Eleanor McNamara is what it currently says on my birth certificate but I was born Eleanor Paula Matthews, I think, it’s confusing.” Paula, Paul thought, Cam had named her after him. Paul smiled.

“I know you’re Eleanor, you’re my niece. And…this is the first time I met you properly.” He laughed, running a hand through his hair. “Oh! Elle, I’m your Uncle Paul if you hadn’t already figured that out um-I’m just on my way to meet my girlfriend, Emma Perkins? She’s currently in with Henry Hidgens?” Elle gulped.

“Oh…come with me…” She said, taking her uncle’s hand and guiding him through the halls. “Oh! Pa-Pail?” Elle asked. Paul’s heart thudded.

“Paul.”

“Paul. I’ll call you Paul for now. Here’s my number. Nice to meet you Uncle please ring me I love you!” She smiled before skipping away. Paul shook his head and pushed the door open.

“Hey Em you won’t believe the day I had-“

“You lied.” She said, sitting in front of Hidgens.

“What?” he laughed.

“You said 2.”

“Yes? It’s 2 I’ve come to take you home.”

“You wanted to keep me here for as long as possible so you could go and see your mistress, couldn’t you?” Paul’s eyes widened in shock.

“What?!”

“You heard me. How is she, by the way.” Paul didn’t respond. He was surprised. “Listen, Paul, I always knew I wasn’t good enough for you but it’s one thing to lie, but another to cheat.”

“I’m-I’m not!” He stammered, desperately trying to save her. The Emma he knew.

“No, Paul. I’ve heard it all before.” She got up and walked towards him. He sighed a sigh of relief, thinking she was coming home with him. The punch he received on his jaw said otherwise. “Get the fuck out of my sight, Paul. We’re over.” She pushed him out of the room, slamming the door. Paul staggered backwards.

* * *

 

The second time Paul had lost the best person in his life. The second time he’d felt alone. He ran from the building, speeding home. As soon as he was home, Alice was waiting. “Where’s Emma?” She smiled, Waitress playing in the background.

“She chose..she chose my brother’s murderer over me. Ally….we’re over.” He said, sinking into the couch.


	31. I Intend To Upset This Regrettable Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> surprise fuckers I'm back
> 
> so anyways,,,paul's sad
> 
> -  
>  or in summary, all the chapters are falsettos quotes (jks only like 3 are) and paul's sad. and it's short/

“Oh…okay…” Paul said, the ghost of a smile tattooed on his face. The second time Paul had lost the best person in his life. The second time he’d felt alone. “Okay…” He said as tears began forming in the back of his eyes. Before he could even process what happened, he ran from the building. He got into his car as tears started slipping down his face. He turned the car on and began speeding home. As soon as he was back, he was met with the scent of dark chocolate and mint. The air was warm, or maybe it was just the fact he was suppressing the tears his face was beginning to sweat…from his eyes…that’s why he felt hot. Alice was waiting in the kitchen, sitting besides a mint chocolate cake she’d made on her own. Paul walked into the kitchen to attempt to make coffee with shaking hands when he noticed her. Waitress was playing in the background. Everything was a reminder of Emma…his perfect girl…well…

“Uncle Paul! You’re back! Wait…where’s Emma?” She asked, tilting her head, Waitress playing in the background.

“She chose…she chose my brother’s murderer over me. Ally….we’re over.” He said, walking out of the kitchen knowing it was useless to even begin to make coffee. He sank into the couch, his hands being a hold for his head. Alice jumped off the couch and ran in next to him. She sat besides him, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him into a constricting hug. “I don’t know what I did wrong I-I loved her, I cherished her, I gave up my time for her and she-she used me? She accused me of cheating, Alice!” He said, tears beginning to fall quicker.

“Why did she do that? She’s never thought of you of cheating before. And you aren’t cheating!”

“I know! I tried to compromise and she said to me…she said “get the fuck out of my sight.” It’s-it’s that professor he-he’s done this. I’m gonna kill him!” Paul’s voice was shaky and tearful, yet incredibly strong. Alice just held her Uncle in the hug.

“I don’t want my currently only living relative to go to jail for murdering a lunatic professor.” Alice said, rubbing his arm gently.

“You know Alice…”

 

_When I saw her in Brigadoon…I knew…I knew it was her. We sat there on the bus the entire way there. I was next to Bill. Everyone was nervous. None of us had any connection to HH. When we got there…it was big. It was big and clean and everything Sycamore wanted was there. So we took our places in the auditorium and…she took the stage. Their acting wasn’t….the greatest…but she took the stage with confidence. And her voice was that of an angels. She seemed as if that was where she wanted to be. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I got teased for that. And I never saw her again. Until Beanies opened. And she was there. And I knew it was her because that smile and those eyes paired were so unique I just knew. And then, of course, the apotheosis is where it all kicked off and…_

“She’s gone.” He sighed. “And I don’t understand.”

“I know. It’s a bit messy, isn’t it? You fell in love and never got to tell her. You know what Uncle Paul? She’ll either come around or leave you forever-“ Paul gave Alice a glare, to which she quickly finished her sentence. “And if she does that, she didn’t deserve you! Now I’m like, 17 so I’ll never love you romantically, but I love you like a father and you know what? I’m so glad you’re my godfather. Because you actually enjoy tasting my cooking and putting up to my theatre kid antics! Everyone else hates it. And it’s just a big thankyou. And you’re going to be okay.” She said, resting her head on his shoulder. He sniffed, which Alice classed as a laugh.

“Thanks, Ally.”

“I larb you Uncle Bean.” She smiled.  


	32. I Only Wanted To See My Face In Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she wants a baby, he discovers the truth, and she has the baby.
> 
> -  
> Truth: The Chapter, featuring another angsty falsettos quote.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> Abuse (mentioned)  
> Assault (mentioned)  
> Blades/Knives (seen)  
> Homophobia (mentioned)  
> Slapping a bitch (seen)  
> Bleeding (seen)  
> Miscarriage (Mentioned)  
> Pregnancy (seen)

“Good morning sweetheart.” Sam yawned as he reached his arm over to the other side of the bed. No warmth. No nothing. Just cold. The cold and empty space that was his bed. He sat up, furrowing his eyebrows, wondering where his wife was. He took the hair tie out from his hair and climbed out of bed. He walked to the door, beginning to hear a soft whimpering. Immediately, he pulled the door open with more force than intended and followed the soft whimpering until he found Charlotte downstairs sitting on the couch. “Charlie?” He asked, walking down the stairs before seating himself next to her. She looked at him, but only replied with a sob. As gently as he could, he wrapped an arm around her. She flinched slightly, but soon understood it was her Sam. _Her Sam. If only._ “Hey. Charlie, listen to me babe okay?” He said, unsure of what to do. He hadn’t seen her cry in…years. “Charlie. You need to talk to me so we can figure out this problem together.”

“God dammit Sam it’s more than a problem!” She suddenly snapped. Sam didn’t flinch. He hardly reacted. But he still wasn’t used to Charlotte’s sudden outbursts. “Sorry…sorry I shouldn’t have snapped…”

“You had every right to. You’re obviously upset and I’m…an asshole.”

“No…honey don’t blame yourself when I was the one who was unable to control their anger.” There was a silence between them. Then suddenly she moved and put something in Sam’s hand. Sam’s eyes flicked down. It read negative. (oh thanks spotify for putting not alone by JLB on at this time very nice xoxo) He sighed, holding her tighter. “I just want a baby, Sam. Why can’t we have nice things? Why can’t we have a baby?” Sam shook his head, rubbing his wife’s arm supportively. “All I want is a little baby to hold and to name and to raise that’ll talk and call me mommy and you dada. Sam…I just want a baby? Why can’t we have a baby? It’s all I want!” Charlotte began weeping as she moved closer to her husband. Sam held her tighter. “I just want a tiny little baby. I want to hear it’s first words, to see it’s first steps. I want to feel like a family, but I don’t because I either miscarry or this bullshit happens!” Charlotte was becoming increasingly more distressed, but Sam remained calm.

“We’re gonna keep trying until we have a baby. I’d like a baby too. I wanna protect it and take it in my car and-“

“Sam…”

“I want to…take it out to the park, watch them grow up into a child, and then a teen, and then watch them get married and have kids of their own. And it will happen one day. We’ll get to see this baby.”

“I sure hope so…”

“And we will. We’ve just gotta keep believing! I know it seems hard, but we’ll get there.”

“Okay Sammy, if you say.”

“I do say.”

* * *

Emma watched as Paul left the room. Her heart shattered. _No. No!_ “Wait-PAUL!” She shouted, trying to run forward but the professor grabbed her shoulders, pulling her back. “LET GO OF ME!” She screamed. “Please let me go I need Paul please I-he wouldn’t cheat he always has a precise time I want Paul back I want Paul back!” She wept, remaining in the grasp of Hidgens. Hidgens smirked and moved closer to her. She continued to fight. “LET ME GO!” She shouted again. Then the door clicked open. Elle stood at the door.

“Emma? General McNamara, Colonel McNamara and Colonel Schaffer would like to discuss some important matters with you.” Emma quickly nodded as Hidgens had no choice but to let her go. She quickly got up and followed Elle to the control station, attempting to hide the tears. She ripped her hair out of the bun as she sat in a chair provided. She was currently alone. Alone except…Elle was there. Elle sat in a chair next to her. “Uh…hi I’m Elle…McNamara? I don’t know…my father was Cameron Matthews, Paul’s brother…” Emma looked up.

“Paul had a brother?” She nodded.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t want to talk about his death-“

_“Paul…” Cameron laughed as he grabbed his bag. “Me and Sophia okay, we’ll be fine. We’re gonna take Elle with us. She’s gonna be fine. You’re still gonna be home. But this test pays good money and me and Soph need it! Hidgens is an amazing teacher! We’re in good hands! I’ll come straight home, I promise.”_

_“Okay…” Paul sighed. But of course, Cameron never came home._

“But uh…I’m his niece and…you must be Emma Perkins, Paul’s girlfriend?”

“No…ex girlfriend. Because Professor Hidgens made me lose the only family I’ve ever wanted. One away from abuse and favouritism. One with such a handsome guy who’s so kind hearted with such fucking fluffy hair who listens and cares like nobody else. One with such an amazing guy who puts up with me, a girl with PTSD from everything, who can barely stand singing unless it’s the Waitress Broadway Cast Recording that Paul’s goddaughter, Alice puts on. A family with such a talented young girl who has to battle homophobic comments pretty frequently because she dates a stoner. One with a young girl who struggles to even call her father “dad” so resorts to calling Paul that instead. And they let me into their lives and because I’m naïve and immature, I listened to what Henry said for the first time in my life after the apot-and broke up with him and I had something really important to tell him and that chance I will never get because he’s gone…and it’s my fault and…sorry I didn’t mean to…” Emma sighed. “I just miss him. He was my everything and he’s the only one who’s been able to put up with my shit and now he’s gone and I don’t know what to do with myself.” She feigned a smile. Elle looked at her after looking at her phone.

“I’m so sorry, this is extremely sudden, but I shall be back.” She said, taking on the language her fathers used, and stepping outside the room.

**Do you want me to ring you, Paul?**

**i mean, there’s nothing stopping you except my niece**

**wait shit you are my niece**

**i mean my goddaughter**

**yeah just ring me.**

So Elle hit ring. _Ring. Ring._

_“Hello? Paul Matthews speaking.”_

Even over the phone, his voice was shaky making it clear he’d been crying. “ _Hey Paul, it’s Elle. Um…I’ve just had a talk with Emma and she…she sounds pretty upset and…I think you need to come back to the facility. She said she really misses you and it’s almost as if she feels neglected now you two are over. Now I feel like I’m intruding on your fights-“_

_“No.” Paul laughed. “No Elle it’s fine. I’ll be there in a minute. Make sure Emma’s okay, yeah?”_

_“Mr McNamara and…Mr McNamara are keeping an eye on her. Schaffer’s speaking to her.”_

_“Okay. See you later, Elle.”_ And the call ended.

* * *

“John? Maccie?” Nick called as he began pacing the facility. He found John outside, a cigarette in his mouth. John was zoned out again. “Mac?” Nick asked softly. John turned to face his husband before turning back to the rain.

“She reminds me of…me.” He said, exhaling the smoke from his lungs. Nick sighed. “Oh-Nick! Don’t fucking sigh!”

“You have to get over him!” John stamped the cigarette out and walked back inside, pushing away from Nick. “John do not do this now!” Nick sighed, frustrated. “John McNamara listen to me!” But John’s heavy footsteps continued walking away from him. Nick had to stride to keep up. Sometimes John believed he was faster than Nick was. That was a lie.

“Look. I just want to be left alone, okay?”

“No, John, it’s not okay! Not when you’re thinking of him!” John rolled his eyes.

“He’s dead. What good does it make. I miss him.”

“Take that back.”

“And you know what, Nick? If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t even be together.”

“He abused you!”

“And?” John said, turning his head around.

“John, I’m being serious! We’ve been together for 11 years you can’t continue being strung up on him like this it’s unhealthy!”

“When have I ever been fucking healthy, Nicholas.” He grunted, his boots thudding as he left. Nick continued to walk directly next to his husband, if not, just slightly in front. “Can you just leave me alone!” John asked, becoming more frustrated.

“You remember exactly what happened last time.”

“Of course I do and it’s not as if I’m going to make the same mistake twice is it?”

“Well how do I know that?!”

“You threw everything out!”

“You could have bought more!”

“Are you saying you don’t trust me?” John asked, stopping.

“No. At this moment, I don’t trust you.” And those words were enough to break John. _He doesn’t trust you. It’s always started and it will always end with trust. He doesn’t like it when you smoke. He doesn’t like it when you’re mildly reminiscing on your shitty past even though you know you shouldn’t. But…this is Nick…he wouldn’t hurt you…would he? Would he?!_

“What do you mean you don’t trust me?” He asked, voice shaking.

“The last time I let you think about him, you held a lighter up to your eyes until you couldn’t see, you climbed into your car and tried to drive! I can’t almost lose you like that again!”

“Nick. You’re being controlling you can’t-you can’t just not let me do what I want a lot of the time!”

“There’s a thin line between letting you do what you want and letting you put yourself in danger?”

“Yeah? A metaphorical li-“ Nick raised his hand. As he bought it down, a sharp pain appeared on the side of John’s face. _Nick wouldn’t hurt me….so why has he?_ John gently touched his face. Blood. There was blood on his hand. He turned to Nick, fright in his eyes. Nick had slapped John’s face, and in the process, had also scratched him so he was bleeding. “Why?” John asked, shaking. All the flashbacks hitting him again. All the previous abuse. All the hurt. All the hatred. And he thought Nick would be able to trust him. Nick was looking at his own hand, stunned.

“I-I don’t know-babe!-“

“Don’t. Save it.” John said quietly. “You know Nick. I trusted you. But as soon as I almost blind myself you lose all faith in me and now you’ve hurt me and you know what? I’m sick of it! How long in the 11 years have you been wanting to do that for?”

“I haven’t!”

“Oh save it! I’ve said it once and-“

“General McNamara?” Schaffer asked. “There’s some interesting activity on Hatchetfield. More pulsations coursing through the ground.” He gave a firm nod and began walking towards Schaffer. Nick grabbed John’s arm to pull him back, but John tensed up.

“Let him go, Nicholas Johnson.” Schaffer said, calmly.

“John won’t be going to Hatchetfield. I will. And it’s McNamara.”

“Are you the General, Nicholas.” John asked, remaining as calm as he could.

“No-“

“So stop acting like you are. And fuck off.”

“John you’re being delusional?”

“OH I’M DELUSIONAL?” He asked, spinning to face his husband. “I’M NOT THE ONE WHO JUST LASHED OUT AT ME AM I? I’M NOT THE ONE WHO LOST COMPLETE TRUST BECAUSE I MADE ONE MISTAKE!”

“IT WASN’T ONE TIME, JOHN!” Nick shouted back in return.

“YES I’M FULLY AWARE BUT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS WISE, AFTER I FELL FOR YOU, AFTER I’VE BEEN WITH YOU FOR 11 YEARS, FOR YOU TO TELL ME YOU DON’T TRUST ME BECAUSE OF A MISTAKE I MADE! IT HAPPENED YEARS AGO!”

“AND THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO!”

“AND I’M RECEIVING HELP FOR IT BUT YOU DON’T CARE! I CARE SO BADLY! HE ABUSED ME TO THE POINT I DIDN’T KNOW WHO I WAS, SO I LEFT HIGH SCHOOL AND JOINED THE ARMY AND YOU REMINDED ME SO MUCH OF HIM I FELT GUILTY TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU-“

“I AM HIM!” Nick shouted.

“John we’re going.” Felicity said calmly.

“I AM THE GUY YOU FUCKED IN HIGH SCHOOL. I AM THE SAME GUY! YOU NEVER KNEW HIS NAME AND I AM TELLING YOU IT’S NICHOLAS JOHNSON!”

“I can’t do this…” John said, trembling.

“Go ahead, John.” John nodded and took a deep breath. Schaffer stood still, recollecting her thoughts. For John, she thought. For General John McNamara. As soon as John was out of sight, Schaffer spun around and grabbed Nick’s neck, pinning him against the wall, pressing the blade to his neck. “Move and it’ll slit your throat!” She warned. “You are such an asshole, Nicholas Johnson.”

“It’s McNamara…”

“You had a kid together! He fell for you years and years ago and what did you do? Take advantage of him. At the age of 15 when he was afraid of being a gay man you thought you know what? Lets assault him to make him feel like shit and hopefully convert him to be a het like the rest of us. Are you even gay?”

“Yes.”

“Do you even care about John?”

“Yes!”

“So why did you do it.”

“I was drunk-“

“Wrong answer.”

“On drugs-“

“Incorrect.”

“I…was pressured?”

“You fucking liar. You disgust me.” Schaffer said, scrunching her face up.

“Felicity please I didn’t want to do it but…his parents payed me a…large sum of money…to do it…in hopes of converting their son to be straight…”

“So you don’t care about John.”

“Yes I do!”

“He fell in love with you! He’s wasted 11 years on you and you are his fucking…I can’t even say it.  You are weaker than weak. And if he files for a divorce after this, I won’t be surprised.”

“I was in a bad place myself! I needed the money!” Felicity dropped the blade and slapped him hard across the face before kneeing him in the crotch. He crippled over in pain as she spat on him.

“You didn’t need the money. You hurt my best friend for…actually it’s been more than 11 years. How long were you going to keep the secret? Because of you he has trust issues. And they are only going to get worse and worse. So get your act together and never step foot around him again.” She hissed, picking her blade up and walking away. She found John in the control room, sobbing. “Hey…it’s okay John it’s okay…”

“He hurt me!”

“I know.”

“For 15 years!”

“I know.”

“He manipulated me!”

“I know.”

“And he-“ John didn’t say anything, but reverted back to tears. “I got infected because of the bastard and if my mind was clear enough to see the resemblance, I wouldn’t have wasted these 11 years of married life on him! I thought I found the one, Flick, I really did.” Felicity nodded.

“And you know what you need to do?”

“I won’t let Elle near him. I won’t let anyone near him. Except…”

“No.”

“I need to see him.”

“No you don’t.”

“No…I don’t. But I want to.”

“You need therapy, John.”

“I know. But it’s so expensive.”

“I’ll cover the costs. You’re gonna be alright one day.”

“I don’t think I will after that.”

* * *

Paul received the call. Alice had begged him not to go, saying how he needed to move on. Usually he listened to Alice’s advice. But Emma needed him. And he was there. Elle greeted him at the entrance and lead him to a separate room. She didn’t look as she closed the door. She didn’t want to. She needed Paul and Emma in the moment. Together. And her to not be a part of it. And that was okay.

Paul entered the room, nervous. His Emma…was there on the bed, and she had mascara stains on her face. As the door closed, neither of them wanted to make the first move. But they remained fixed in their positions, anxious of what the other would say.

“I’m sorry, Paul…” Emma began. “I believed him over you and I shouldn’t have. You have to have a particular routine to cope with your anxiety like I do with my PTSD. I’m sorry I lost you and Alice, the only family who have ever accepted me for me and never forced me to change. I’m so so sorry for everything. I always knew you were too good for me because I never deserved such a considerate guy like you. I deserved trash. And when you left, I regretted my decision and tried to run and Hidgens wouldn’t let me and I was trapped and I was scared and Elle saved me and she told me she was your niece and I’m not even mad about it and I just miss you and I want you to take me back so badly and I know I sound desperate but-“

“Yes.” Paul said, looking back to her. “Of course I’ll take you back. I miss you too and Alice didn’t want me to come here, she’s been encouraging me to move on even if it did happen yesterday but…the bed was so cold without you and I needed that warmth. That sense of homeliness. And that sense came in the physical form of Emma Perkins. Sure, I’m still upset. But obviously I haven’t lost any trust in you. Because I know you had to make your own decision, and it was also fairly obvious you’d been manipulated. And I don’t blame you for attempting to please Hidgens. I understand he was an important figure once in your life. But we have to learn to put it behind us and move on. We need to focus on ourselves, okay?”

“Okay…” Paul nodded approvingly.

“And you had something to tell me?”

“Oh uh…so um…oh god I feel so selfish because Charlotte’s been wanting this and we have this and we’ve talked about it twice-“

“What?”

“I’m pregnant. I get to see your face with mine in the shape of a baby. And I feel so selfish because Charlotte wants a baby and-“ She felt Paul’s familiar warmth pull her into a hug.

“Do you want to keep it?”

“Well…yeah…”

“And that’s okay. We can’t help if Charlotte conceives or not. We can’t tell anyone until a few months anyways. We don’t want to tell everyone and something go wrong.”

“Paul. Panicking.”

“Sorry Em…”

“Can I just…”

“Just…what?”

“Paul Matthews…I love you.”

”Oh..uh...” But did he? “I-“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody:  
> Me: Hancox uses the running theme of "trust" throughout and within the chapter. Trust is seen in the first scene between Charlotte and Sam Lowery who are established to be married, although Charlotte's body language suggests Sam has lost her trust and they are learning to regain each other's. In the second scene, with Elle, Emma and Hidgens, it is seen how the words she has used before Elle enters provides clear distress. After Elle comes into the scene, Elle is seen as some sort of forbidden hope and could also be seen as freedom. Wherever Elle is mentioned, there is some sort of hope chained into the main theme of said scene. In scene 3 with John McNamara, Nick and Schaffer, it is clear with John's theme of smoking he is attempting to forget something and is unable to do so. After losing his trust in his husband, it is clear that the two of them have taken the situation different ways and their reactions are clear opposites. Pathetic Fallacy is also used as she mentions the rain in the quote 'before turning back to the rain.' The rain is a hidden metaphor for John's tears he'd been attempting to suppress. In the final scene, Elle is seen yet again as she guides Paul to Emma. This is foreshadowing to how Paul and Emma will get back together after all. Hancox leaves the chapter on a cliffhanger because she wants the reader to feel the emotional pain that all the characters have gone through in the chapter. The structure is that none of the scenes are that of regular length. This signifies the chaos found within the chapter.  
> -  
> Or:  
> scene one: big sad  
> scene two: angers and big sad  
> scene three: S A D  
> scene four: fluff ig  
> i just analysed my own fucking chapter #workingtowardsanA*andexamsaren'tforanotheryearandi'monlyakid:(


	33. I Have Writers Block

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> am i allergic to oranges or have I convinced mysrlf I am?
> 
> TW: NONE!!!! IT HAPPENED!!!! THERE ARE NO TRIGGER WARNINGS. (nobody ruin my day by commenting any i stfg)

 “You don’t need to say it back. Not if you’re not ready.” Emma said. “I just…I almost lost you today and I-I needed you to know.” Paul smiled and kissed her again.

“Thanks for giving me time, Em.”

“I’m not that much of an asshole.”

“You can be sometimes.”

“Yeah, sometimes. But not today.” There was a comforting silence between the two of them. “There is a baby growing inside of me…” She said as her hands moved to her stomach. “Half of me and half of you…Whether that’s a good thing…”

“I think that it’s brilliant.” Paul smiled as he held her closer to him. She melted into the hug.

“Thank god you don’t have many friends. We have less people to tell.” She said, nuzzling up to him. He smiled again.

“I’ll take care of you. Don’t worry.”

“When don’t you?”

“When I’m not here.”

“Yeah but you’re always here.”

“Exactly.”

* * *

 

“John?”

“Hmm?” John asked, turning to face Nick.

“You zoned out pretty bad there, babe. Everything okay?” John laughed a shaky laugh.

“No.” he admitted, stomping the cigarette out hugging Nick.

“Hey Johnny…” he smiled. “Where did this come from?”

“Me. My heart. My soul.”

“You’re gonna get soaked if you stay out here any longer. Schaffers worrying about you.”

“Fuck.” He sighed. “When Schaffer worries it doesn’t end well I’m just gonna…” He slipped away from Nick. Nick laughed.

“I love you John!”

“I love you too!” John’s shouted, his heavy boots thudding against the floor. He walked into the room Schaffer was and was immediately pushed into a chair. “Flick-“ he sighed.

“I know exactly what you’re going to say.”

“I know exactly what _you’re_ going to say.” He reflected. Schaffer glared at him.

“So, let’s recall the scene, 15 years ago it happened. 15 years and nothing’s changed except you’ve picked up a cigarette addiction, gotten married and adopted a kid, who, by the way, is Paul Matthews’ niece.” John looked up.

“Elle’s parents died at the hands of Hidgens-“

“So did Cameron Matthews, Paul’s older brother.” McNamara tilted his head.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. But we’re not here to discuss that. We’re here to discuss you and,…” He sighed.

“Why?”

“Well, she’s requested to see Alice alongside Alice’s father.”

“Are they cured?”

“What, Mr Harris, Mr Simmons and Miss Fredrickson? Yes.” John sighed a sigh of relief.

“And they request to see Miss Simmons?”

“No. Mr Harris requests to see Miss Lowery.”

“Then so be it. I shall arrange it immediately.”

“Oh, General, before you go, remember, the spores are waiting.” Schaffer said, her eyes flashing before she turned away. John furrowed his eyebrows.

“Waiting for what?”

“A new leader. The pulsations are getting stronger in Hatchetfield. We need to act quicker. We need to take Emma with us next time-“

“Emma has PTSD because of the apotheosis, Schaffer. We can’t. It’s out of the question. And we aren’t taking my Elle or my Nicky, I’m not losing them again. I don’t give a shit about myself.”

“I know you don’t. Which is why we’re bringing your sister”

“Oh no no no she isn’t fit to be a PEIP officer!”

“Well, why don’t you train her?”

“It’s…complicated.”

“Exactly. And that’s why I’ve trained her.” John’s eyes flew open in  rage. “Our next expedition commences tomorrow at 13:00.” She said as she turned away and began leaving. He waited for exactly thirteen seconds before he heard the sweet humming.

“Maccie, this isn’t the time-“

“I’m trained, John. You can’t protect me all my life!”

“You are ten years younger than me, I’m pretty sure I can.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes.”

“I’m gonna prove myself to you tomorrow when we’re back in Hatchetfield.”

“You were the one who left.”

* * *

 

“ _When we’re back in Hatchetfield!”_ She said sitting next to John, her fair curls bouncing around her pale face. “And this time, I’m not backing away.”

_“Hey John, do you wanna meet your new baby sister?” The ten year old looked up from his book._

_“Do I?!” He said excitedly, jumping up. His father took his hand as he was lead away from his aunt and into the room. The bloodline was young, fresh, alive. And his new baby sister was the newest member. “Hi momma!” John smiled, sitting beside his mother’s hospital bed._

_“Hey J, do you wanna meet your new sister, she’s called Heather.” Heather McNamara, John thought. It rolled off the tongue nicely. He nodded eagerly as his sister was placed into his arms._

_“She’s so small!” He smiled. “I’ll protect you, Heather.” He vowed, kissing the top of his sister’s head._

_“John!” Heather called, her hairbrush tangled in her hair. John stepped into his sister’s room._

_“Need a little help, sis?” He asked, smirking._

_“John it’s senior year hurry up!” She said, flapping her arms around._

_“Okay okay chill!” He laughed, running to help her. “Sit.” He ordered. She rolled her eyes, as John saw in the mirror in front of them._

_“I’m gonna get teased for having the same name as a Heathers character John. Blame mom she liked the name Heather.” She grimaced._

_“Well, mom and dad and everyone else are dead. And we just have each other. And we’ve gotta keep a hold of this bond.”_

_“Mhmm.” Heather mumbled, reaching for her makeup. He’d been in the military for 6 years, the same time she’d been in school full time. And yet, with the 10 year age difference, they were incredibly close. “When can I meet Nick?” She asked, putting on her eyeshadow. John rolled his eyes._

_“After you lose your virginity that’s when.”_

_“I am never telling you that.”_

_“Good luck with meeting my boyfriend then, Hev.” He said, placing a headband atop of her head._

_“I hate you.”_

_“I know you do. Come on, you’re gonna be late for school and I’m gonna be late for work.”_

_“You’re always late for work.” She laughed. He shook his head as he grabbed his own bag and sat in the jeep, Heather quickly following him._

_“So, Heather, as you know you leave school next year which means getting a job!” Heather groaned. “But, as you also know, I am now a General meaning I can add and remove people from my squad and I am asking you, Heather McNamara, if you would like to join PEIP and go deal with some alien shit.”_

_“Yes!” She said, her eyes glimmering with delight. “Yes I would! I would like that a lot! Maybe I’d get to see Nick!” John laughed._

_“Not happening until the wedding.”_

_And then the wedding happened. “John!” Heather called with a smile. “John you gotta look extra sexy for your fiancée!”_

_“Touch my hair and I will end your life and you can go and join mom and dad!” He shouted, running around the house, his sister closely following._

_“Then so be it!” She giggled, continuing to chase John around the house. As she started getting out of breath, John ran back into the other room where he ran into Nick…literally._

_“How are you-“ Nick began, but was cut off by Heather appearing in the door frame._

_“SHE’S A FUCKING MONSTER!” John shouted, running back upstairs._

_“JOHN COME ON! YOU’LL HAVE TO GIVE UP EVENTUALLY!” She shouted, following him. Nick rolled his eyes and walked in the opposite direction. John had shut himself in his room to regain breath, but the door burst open. John scrambled on the bed, eyes closed, knowing he was cornered. When he felt a kiss, his eyes shot open. The heavy sighs and slowing footsteps coming from outside the door meant that this was not Heather. As Nick pulled away, John smiled. “Maccie you just killed me-“ She panted as she looked inside. John ran a hand through his hair._

_“Good. Be deceased.” He replied, to which Nick gently slapped his hand. “Okay why did you do that?”_

_“Don’t be mean to your sister!” He said. Heather looked at Nick, confused._

_“Sorry, who are you?” She asked, still holding all her hair stuff in her hand. Nick outstretched an arm._

_“Nick Johnson, soon to be Nick McNamara.” Heather smiled, gasping, reaching forward and shaking his hand._

_“John Johnson!” She smirked._

_“Don’t.” John sighed, throwing his head in his hands._

_“I’ve already suggested that to him. He wasn’t hearing any of it, were you Johnny?”#_

_“You were supposed to be at Schaffer’s half an hour ago!” John sighed._

_“Yeah, but when have we ever been on time?”_

_“Nick this is our wedding this is pretty important. And you know how Schaffer gets when she worries.”_

_“Shit- I’ll see you later babe!”_

_“Bye Nicky!” Heather was looking at him with puppy dog eyes. He sighed. “Only if you work for PEIP.2_

_“Okay!” She said as he sat up. “Honestly John, if your fiancée wasn’t gay, and wasn’t your fiancée, I’d tap that.”_

_“He is 10 times older than you!”_

_“So?! If a guy is a hot a guy is hot!”_

_And then they had a fight and she moved to university in Clivesdale. And she never returned. And she did eventually become a PEIP officer. And now that they were in the same facility under John’s rules…_

* * *

 “Look, John.” John rolled his eyes, sighing. “It happened 4 years ago, can’t we drop it?”

“We’re at work. It’s strictly professional speak only.”

“That’s a rule you never follow unless it applies to me, isn’t it? You knew I worked here and you chose to ignore me.”

“Shut up, Heather.”

“I didn’t get chosen to do this! I opted for it!” She broke. “They asked each and every one of us, who wants to go to Hatchetfield to help revive the citizens and I offered because nobody else would! I offered because I wanted to talk to you again! John I miss you goddamit and you don’t know anything about me anymore! And I opted for this mission to get you to know that part of me you’re missing!” She sighed.

“I miss you too, Maccie. And you’re right. It was my fault. For the fight. I shouldn’t have expected you to join my branch of PEIP anyways.”

“Well I did. And here I am.”

“And I’m glad you aren’t dead.”

* * *

**_HI! IT'S J! And today, I was home from school. Now I've been meaning to do this for a while and I did it today because I had time!!! So ladies and gents, the official cover (and blurb) for SYPF._ **

****

 

 

**_TA DAAAA. Okay I'll leave you be - J!!_ **

**_also thanks for reading my book I LOVE YOU ALL!_ **


	34. If You Need A Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess whos back gamers:  
> SCENE 1. Nick supporting John  
> SCENE 2. Alice popping off about gender stereotypes, emma reveals the truth  
> SCENE 3: T E D IS INTRODUCED TO THE BOOK PROPERLY!! AND CHARLOTTE C R I E S

Nick had looked all around the PEIP facility for his counterpart, but found him zoned out against the wall. He already knew it wasn’t good. He slowly approached him, waving one hand in front of John’s face. “John! Hey! Look at me!” Nick said, gently holding his husband’s face. The unexpected motion caused John to flinch and Nick felt his heart tighten. He wished John would just receive the help he so desperately needed. But he wouldn’t. Because he is General John McNamara, he is supposed to be tough and not need a therapist. Yet Nick was trying to persuade him to go to one regardless. Nick hadn’t noticed John reaching for a cigarette. “Hey…” Nick’s voice softened up as he placed his hand on John’s shoulder; he felt John’s muscles relaxed at the change of gesture. “Look at me. Heather’s going to be fine-put it down!” Nick swatted a cigarette out of John’s hand. Simultaneously, John grumbled and frowned.

“I needed that.” John said, avoiding looking at the brunette.

“No, you didn’t.”

“Well I needed s _omething_ to relax!”

“And that something could have been me…John, I’m worried about you-“

“I’m fine.” He groaned. “I don’t need a therapist.” He turned the opposite direction and began to walk back inside.

“I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to talk to you about Heather-“

“Well that’s just as bad. I don’t want to think about tomorrow.”

“She’s going to be okay. She’s a PEIP agent! She has the correct training!” Nick said, grabbing John’s arm. John attempted to pull away, but gave up.

“It doesn’t matter about what training she has, Nicholas. Remember our wedding day? She could hardly keep up with me. What if one of the infected bastards gets to her? Fuck I just got her back after losing her for years, I can’t lose her again! But you wouldn’t understand, would you? Because-“

“John, I’m an only child, I get it. But listen to me. She’ll be okay. I love you, but you have to let her get hurt sometimes. I know you want to protect her, but she’s an adult now, like you are.”

“She’s still ten years younger than me.”

“Which means she’s younger, she’s quicker, she’s learning! And I know you know that. So, we won’t think about tomorrow. Instead, how about we go home, get you out of that ridiculous uniform and-“

“You are _so_ horny.” John rolled his eyes, trying to force back a smile.

“I never said that! I was gonna offer cosying up on the couch and watching a film!”

“You know exactly what happens when we do that.” John said as he shook his arm out of Nick’s grasp.

“You didn’t say no!”

“But I will if you don’t shut up!”

* * *

“Pink.”

“Blue.”

“Pink.”

“Blue.”

“Pink.”

“Blue!”

“It’s gonna be pink!”

“No it’s not! It’s gonna be blue!”

“Pink.”

“Blue!”

“You want to colour our baby’s bedroom after the colour of the- we’re going pink.”

“No! Just…pale blue! And navy! Blue!”

“Pink!”

“Blue!”

“Pink!”

“Blue!”

“Dumbledore?” Alice said from the door, a mouthful of salad, drawing the two arguing adult’s attention to her. She swallowed. “Why are you arguing over some dumb colour anyways? You don’t really want to colour your baby’s bedroom after stereotypical colours do you? Pink for girls, blue for boys, and green for anyone in between. It’s 2018. Pull your head out your asses and choose a colour you can both agree on.”

“Well, Alice, your godfather said black.”

“What’s so wrong with black?! You wanted to colour it grey!”

“What’s wrong with grey?!” And again, they were fighting. Alice rolled her eyes as the two became progressively louder.

“Guys!” She shouted, silencing them again. “This is the most childish you’ve ever acted! God damn, I’m 17 (time is a construct, ignore the incorrect time stamps) and I’m the one with the brains here! When Deb was alive, we had agreed we were gonna get married and we’d adopt. The room would be yellow because yellow has clear connotations of wealth, happiness and hope and darn it my English lit skills peeped out again. Anyways, it’s a baby! Why would you situate them in a room with a negative colour palette, e.g black and grey which usually have connotations of death, depression, thunder, nightmares, ya know bad stuff, when you could have yellow or lilac! I don’t get why Emma’s so persistent on choosing blue for the colour scheme, or why Paul’s going for pink, but you need to grow up, sit down and have a collective conversation about this. Alice out.” She said, imitating a mic-drop before resorting back to her bedroom. Emma shrugged.

“She’s actually right…” Her voice showed her defeat before her expression did. She sat back down on the couch, a hand reaching across her stomach. Her eyes widened as she realised what she had done and moved it aside. She wasn’t too far along, and everything was new to her. She was usually either mentally in pain or physically. But she knew it would be worth it. When she was holding her baby. “Why are we fighting over colours that are stereotypical. When have we ever been stereotypical?” She laughed sadly. If there was one thing she hated more than herself was fighting with Paul. Or fighting in general. He sat next to her.

“We could colour it lilac and yellow? Like a pale yellow? If that’s what you want to do. You’re the one who’s carrying our kid, you’re gonna know them better than I am.” Paul said, obviously biting his lip from the inside.

“Yeah but those two colours clash, Paul. I don’t want the baby to be some sophisticated bitch.” She folded her arms across her chest, blowing a lose strand of hair out of her eyes.

“Emma, we’re the parents. It’s gonna be more of a chaotic bitch then a sophisticated one.”

“I guess…we could do pale blue?”

“Why are you so persistent on using blue, Emma?” He sighed. He hoped they’d gotten over this argument. Apparently they hadn’t.

“Because…” Because the only blue she ever wanted to look at was the blue that filled Paul’s eyes. She wanted Paul to be incorporated into the baby’s room. But it was embarrassing for her to say.

“You can say it, I won’t judge you.”

“Well, god it’s pathetic, but…I’m the one carrying the baby, we’re gonna have a stronger connection already. But…I chose blue because I want you to be presented in the room because-“ she covered her face with her hands, blushing by now. “Because I like looking at your eyes and they’re just such a pretty shade of blue that I thought that maybe we could have the baby’s room be blue so I could see the connection between you and the baby even if it isn’t physical yet…but! You don’t want that so we won’t-

“Is that the real reason? Are you telling me the truth?” She nodded, ashamed. He pulled her into a hug. He had no idea that was how she truly felt, and how obsessed she was with his eyes “Then we can design the baby’s room based around the colour blue.”

“Okay…thank you…I’ll be there…” Charlotte said, hanging up the phone. Sam didn’t like whenever she mentioned Ted. Ted, the guy she’d had an affair on him with, and heavily regretted it. Because she’d gone against her vows. And even just looking back at it made her shudder with guilt. Sam was lying in bed shirtless and she was at the door.

“Char?” He asked as he sat up, moving his hair out of his eyes. “Where are you going? It’s a Saturday.”

“Oh! Um…” Be honest with him. He’ll be less angry. “I’m gonna go to the PEIP facility. They want me to meet someone…”

“And that someone is?” Her silence told him the answer. “You don’t want to see him, do you?” He asked, looking at her.

“Well-“

“Not romantically, please tell me not romantically.”

“Oh! No no not romantically! He asked to see me or else I wouldn’t be going…”

“And you’re telling me the truth? You aren’t going to hook up with him.”

“No.” He kicked the covers back and went to her, placing his hand on her hip. He pulled her into a kiss. “I love you.” He said. She smiled.

“I love you too. I won’t be long.”

“Okay. Want a lift?”

“Okay.”

* * *

 

Ted was now cured. He had mild aches everywhere, but apart from that he was okay. But he needed to know Charlotte was. No screwing around, she’d told him, no strings attached he used to reply. But now he found himself attached to her. He wanted her. And not just for her body. He loved her. Even if she didn’t return the feeling, he needed to know she was okay. He sat on the bed in the same lousy olive green shirt and pants that he’d died on. He had a headache from where he’d been shot, but that was to be expected. The door opened to reveal Colonel Heather McNamara. “Miss Lowery has arrived, sir. Are you ready to see her?” He nodded eagerly. As the blonde left, the brunette entered. She wore a black shirt under a white cardigan, a pink skirt to accompany it. She looked healthier than she had ever had. Happy. Maybe happy was the word, not healthy. She closed the door. And he became emotional. He was there with the girl he loved. And she was here with him. And without Sam! He started getting ahead of himself before she cleared her throat.

“Me and Sam are together. We’re happy.” She pointed out. And Ted felt his heart shatter. _Oh._ Still, he nodded. “We’re trying for a baby.” Was what she was trying to say attempting to hurt him? “He doesn’t know the pregnancy test I took this morning is positive.” **_Oh._** “So, um…this thing we had going on, it has to stop. I can’t go behind Sam’s back again. Not when…not when I’m hopefully going to have his child.”

“But you remember what happened last time you were pregnant-“

“I asked you not to bring it up.”

“I’m sorry…” He had more to say. He’d fill this silence. “Actually, I’m not. He hurt you when you miscarried, he hurt you before, he hurt you after. Sam Lowery is a shitty person! Why can’t you see that?! I can make you feel loved again! I can love you til my heart collapses-“

“But I don’t want you! I don’t know why I even decided to have the affair with you in the first place! You’re just a terrible person! I’ve asked you once before to not talk about the mis-miscarriage and you still did! You understood how much pain it caused me when I saw my husband shred the baby’s nursery to parts and I couldn’t do anything because he was a cop and he had a gun and I got scared so what was the point in fighting! You know how much he’s helped me! When I first joined Hatchetfield High, he sat next to me in Media Studies and he helped me around the school, he helped me on my feet. And he’s the person I’ve loved since forever! But you wouldn’t understand! I came here because I care about you, but you just used me for my body! Repeatedly you told me no strings attached so why you’ve had a change of heart, only god knows. No, I don’t love you. I never have, I never had and I never will. I love my husband and my unborn baby. And if you can’t accept it then maybe we shouldn’t even be friends! Because I feel extremely uncomfortable with the way you are talking to me and the way you are addressing my husband. So, as politely as possible, stop.”

“Why should I, Charlotte? He treated you like shit! You deserve the world! Now I may not be the world, but I can treat him ten times better-“

“I don’t want you, Ted!” She snapped. “I want Sam. I always have.” She pulled out her phone from her purse.

“Don’t text him-“  
  
“I’m being picked up in five minutes. I didn’t even have to come here to see you, but because I’m a considerate person and wanted make sure you were okay, I did. Maybe if you’d have stayed with me at Professor Hidgens’ house this interaction may be going differently. But because you left me with Sam, I died. Technically, you killed me. So I don’t want any more requests for you to see me. I’ll be informing PEIP on the way out.”

“I didn’t want to do this…but I’m afraid I must. To show you what love is.” Ted stood up and walked over to her, straddling her waist and pulling her closer to him. Charlotte couldn’t cope with the confined space.

“Ted, please let me go, I don’t want this…”

“You did a month ago, things shouldn’t have changed so quickly!” He said, angrily. He pulled her into a kiss. As Charlotte tried to get out of Ted’s grasp, the door opened. Ted immediately let go. He’d let himself get…ahead of himself. Charlotte looked at Sam.

“Sam-“ she whimpered. He folded his arms, looking at the other two adults in the room. He laughed bitterly.

“I should have known. Once it starts it doesn’t stop. I trusted you, Charlotte Lowery. I can’t believe you came here to-“

“I didn’t!” Sam looked her in the eyes. She was telling the truth. “He kissed me! I didn’t ask for it!” She was also incredibly emotional. Sam held his arms out to her and she walked into them. He pulled Charlotte into it, kissing the top of her head. Behind her back, he flipped Ted off, not breaking eye contact with him.

“Let’s go home.” He said, leading her away. “And you don’t ever have to see him again.” Charlotte only nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Char.”

“It’s okay…you had you’re right to suspect it. But I promise I wasn’t I-I explained it politely I didn’t want to continue and he bought up the miscarriage and he kissed me and-“

“I’m gonna kill him.” Sam growled. “He won’t go near you as long as I live.” Charlotte nodded. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (potter puppet pals:)
> 
> snape  
> harry  
> snape  
> harry  
> snape  
> harry  
> snape  
> harry  
> snape  
> harry  
> snape  
> harry  
> snape  
> harry  
> snape  
> harry  
> dumBLEDORE  
> HeeeEeERmIoNE  
> dumbLEDORE  
> (Ron, ron ron WeAsley DUMBLEDORE) I'm harry potter, harry harry potter-


	35. Venturing Into Hatchetfield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you’re familiar with the book, you will remember nothing is as it seems. Unfortunately that doesn’t apply here. It’s set in stone. And there’s no turning back.

McNamara sat at a desk in the early hours of the morning as Nick’s alarm rang. This was it. Today was the day. He was venturing into Hatchetfield. And nobody were prepared for the events ahead. Nick groaned as he rolled over, his arm reaching for the space where John’s presence usually filled. Upon realising John wasn’t there, Nick awoke fully, sitting upright. He clutched his chest, seeing John sitting at the desk. “Today’s the day, Nicky.” He said, chewing on the cigarette. “We’re finally going into Hatchetfield, for what we can declare will be the last time. We’re planning on destroying the spores. But obviously there’s always pros and cons with everything so I’m writing and smoking in case something goes disastrously fucking wrong.”

“You’ll be fine.” Nick smiled as he approached his husband. John had to bend his head backwards to look up at Nick, who towered over him. “Kiss.” Nick said, bending down. John kissed his jaw. “I love you, John.”

“Love you too, Nicky.”

A while later, John hugged Nick goodbye as he climbed into the Jeep with Felicity and Heather. He could see Nick waving goodbye, crying. John rolled the window down. “I LOVE YOU NICKY!” He shouted

“I LOVE YOU TOO, JOHN!” Nick shouted as a reply.

 

John didn’t speak the entire way there. Nor did the other two. When they arrived in Hatchetfield, Schaffer and Heather went ahead. When John met up with them, they aimed their guns at the meteor. They gave a mental countdown. But John felt the shots be ripped through him instead. He turned around to see Heather’s eyes a very vibrant blue. He dropped the gun as he clutched his chest. Schaffer didn’t hesitate in shooting Heather dead. She fell to the ground. Schaffer grabbed McNamara’s hand and dragged him to the Jeep. He still didn’t speak, but gave her an envelope, labelled to Nick, before taking his final breath.

 

Schaffer had the inevitable task of telling Nick what happened. He let her in and she started blunt.

“I’m sorry, but there was no realistically possible way for us to have saved him in time.”

“What do you mean?!” Nick asked as he sat down, eyes wide with confusion and anger. John was the strongest guy he knew. And he was dead. His husband. Something wasn’t right here. He couldn’t be dead, could he. He refused to cry. Not in front of Schaffer. Felicity bit the inside of her lip as she pulled out a slip of paper from her breast pocket. She held it in two fingers, hesitating, before outstretching her arm to Nick. He took the letter.

“I’m sorry, Nick. He was a great man.” And with that, she left. Nick opened the letter.

Nicholas McNamara

Dear, my beloved. If you are receiving this letter, I am dead. We already knew the chances were slim any of us would make it out alive, due to the meteor’s increase in rhythmic activity, and I can already tell you got your hopes up that I’d make it out alive. After all, I’m the General, the strongest in the troop. Upon reading this letter, you will find that is no longer true. For I couldn’t defend myself. And I’m really fucking sorry, ~~John~~ Nick. Why the fuck did I write my own name? The laugh you probably just laughed should hopefully be a bittersweet one. One I will miss hearing. One I never forgot. Not even as I was dying. One I clung on to. Nicholas McNamara, I love you so much you can’t ever imagine. I enclose to you my wedding and engagement rings as well as my general title. Congratulations, babe. General McNamara lives on in you. Now you’re the strongest in the troop. What I want you to do is ensure Elle gets the correct training. Don’t give up. Keep fighting and regularly check in with the Matthews/Perkins Household. You’re going to make an excellent general, Nicky. And I love you. Never fucking forget it. Now remember, just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I won’t be with you. And you know this too. You just need to take a deep breath and think “what would Johnny say if I was here?” And let me tell you what I’d say. You’re a useless pathetic worm who needs to-I’m joking, I’d say you need to cry. Don’t hold back, it’s unhealthy. Just let it go. I’d stroke your hair and hold you to my chest and just reassure you. Nick, oh fuck I’m crying can you see the tear stains-Shit we’re running out of time and we’ve gotta go. Okay. Okay okay fuck. I really hope you don’t have to read this, But if you do, remember one thing. This was never your fault. It was mine for accepting a challenge that was too big.

  * Love Johnny McNamara, yours forever and always.



P.s. Never forget me.

P.S.S. tell Elle I love her too

P.S.S.S get a cat and call it bitchboy mcree in my honour.

 

Nick wiped the tears from his eyes. “John McNamara, my heart belongs with you.” He said as his own tears began falling. “I love you so much it’s not even funny. I never meant to upset you when we first met at HFPEIPA. And I’ll never get to comfort you. Ever again. Never did I think you’d be the first one dead. Not as in apotheosised. As in shot with a gun through the chest with four bullets and you died in a PEIP van. And-fuck Johnny I should have been the one to die. I just…the bed’s going to be so lonely without you. Nobody can replace you. John McNamara, I am honoured to take up your position.” He said as he held the silver badge in his fingers. _Gen. J. McNamara._ It read. And he’d wear it with pride. To honour his husband. His husband who would be marked in US History books as a hero. Who should have been marked in US History books. The reason why nobody would know about his husband was because General John McNamara was a gay U.S military soldier who died doing the thing he loved. Saving others and being a reckless idiot. This event had hit Nick in the chest harder than it should have. He’d never see his husband alive again. And that was the sickening thing.

John McNamara was dead. And that was a scary thought.


	36. J.G.M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> firing 1000+ words at you lmaooo. 
> 
> -  
> Who is JGM and what is his purpose? that's for me to know and you to find out  
> -  
> SET at John's funeral.

“Emma?” Paul asked as he woke up to sniffling.

“Paul go back to sleep.” She said, her voice breaking.

“Oh no. No no no that will not be happening.” He said, turning to face her. “What’s wrong?”

“I just…I got a text from Colonel Schaffer and Colonel McNamara…Genny’s dead, Paul. John, he didn’t make it out from the mission.”

“Woah woah woah! John McNamara as in our Genny McNamara? Dead?”

“Yeah…” Her voice shook. “Heather shot him and he died and his funeral is later today and what am I supposed to do? He diagnosed me with PTSD, he’s the adoptive father to your niece, babe. And he’s dead. Elle’s lost her father…twice. I can’t imagine what she’s going through and fuck I’m crying and it shouldn’t even affect me.” She sniffed, moving closer into Paul’s arms.

“He’s really gone, huh?” He asked, reading the text sent to his phone. “Jesus fucking christ, PEIP **really bit the bullet** this time, didn’t they?” Emma let out a sob as she held on to Paul tighter. Paul furrowed his eyebrows before realising what he’d said. “Oh shit no! I didn’t mean it like that! Oh no no no!”

“Paul it’s fine. I’m just hormonal and emotional because of this baby I can’t wait to meet and I’m just a mess.”

“We’ve always been a mess, Emma.”

“So lets keep it this way.”

* * *

 

The funeral was a peaceful event. Nick remained quiet. He only nodded, never spoke, knowing he’d melt into tears if he did. And it wouldn’t be what John wanted. So he wouldn’t. Towards the end of the ceremony, a man with dark reddish-brown hair took his place on the podium, a red mask covering his face. He was dressed in black, but the mask was a sickening maroon. The colour of blood. But it looked to be for a medical reason, so Nick didn’t think twice. “My name is JGM. I was a classmate alongside John McNamara and remained a close friend of his as he began his journey with PEIP. We remained closely in touch throughout his years. As you may have gathered, I work for a different branch of PEIP where I am the General there. This also means that I am unable to state my name or for you to hear my real voice to protect my identity. We are an extremely tight base and we were hoping John could move to our facility for him to get the promotion he needed slash wanted. We would have supported John even more with his journey, but obviously he didn’t make it that far. The shots that were fired into John’s heart can’t ever be mended, for John McNamara, a brave soul, lost his battle. I was also close with Heather McNamara, and for me to hear she disguised herself as a non-infected citizen to deceive her brother, and then to murder her brother in front of Miss Schaffer is terrible. Heather McNamara was shot dead on sight as well with John passing away in the PEIP van on the way back to Clivesdale. I keep Nicholas McNamara and Elle Matthews-McNamara in my thoughts this evening alongside Felicity Schaffer. Thank you for listening.” He said as he stepped down. _Weird,_ Nick thought, _Johnny never mentioned a promotion…or anyone from his previous school…_

As he peered into the coffin to see his husband lying there, peacefully asleep, he felt the tears rise in his eyes. And this time he was unable to force them down. They began slipping. That was his Johnny, lying dead, in a velvet laced coffin. And he should still be alive. John was the bravest man he knew. And also the sexiest. But that didn’t matter. He was gone. There would be no more kisses. He just wished he’d have fought harder to keep John home instead of letting him slip from his grasp. Elle approached Nick and buried her face in his sides. “I know, Elle.” Nick whispered. “I know it’s hard. He’s gone and we don’t want him to be. But what more can we do than cling on to the memories we’ve had for these years we’ve known him?” Elle wept harder.

“I want him back.”

“I know. Me too, Ellie. Me too.” Nick said as he shielded her from the coffin. He didn’t want his kid seeing her dead father. She didn’t need that extra trauma. He saw Felicity approach the, and he didn’t do a good job of hiding his emotions. He let it go. “He’s gone, Flick.” Flick nodded, her eyes clearly solemn. “He’s gone and I never got to say goodbye.”

“His last words were, I love you Johnny.” Felicity said. “He never spoke after that. I think he knew he was going to die. That’s why he didn’t speak.”

“Oh god Flick I’m a mess. If he were here right now, he’d be mocking me.”

“He sure would.” Flick smiled. And that caused Nick to smile as well.

“Anyways, I’m gonna take Elle home. She needs to get away from the trauma.” Felicity nodded, allowing Nick and Elle to leave. At that moment, JGM also decided to leave. Felicity, curiously, peered into the coffin. A smile filled her face. That was John dead yet she was smiling. JGM looked at her and she looked back, shaking her head, a smile growing ever more.

“John McNamara you clever bastard.” She said, perking up. She walked back down the aisle of the church to JGM. “Felicity Schaffer.” She said, outstretching a hand. “I know who you are, J.”

“I was hoping you would. You were always a smart one.” JGM’s computer generated voice spoke through the mask. “But nobody can know. I’m trusting you. This is a deadly part of the mission. I’m not supposed to let anyone in on my secret about the Hatchetfield mission.”

“Your work will be treasured on the PEIP hall of fame for eternity, J. And I, for one, remember all the training we went through 13 years ago.” JGM shook his head. “You suit a brunette.” She said. His computer generated laugh sounded fake, though it was real.

“Bless you, Schaffer.”

“We’re in a church, it only makes sense.” The two smiled as shown through their eyes. “Shall we leave this town, J?”

“I believe we shall, Schaffer.” They linked arms. “I’ll be helping Nick from the side. He won’t know who’s leaving him the hints. Nobody will. But in order for me to get to the bottom of this, I have to do this. I have to stay like this. Nobody can know.”

“I understand, J. Of course I do.” And that was that. JGM and Schaffer left the building, climbing in JGM’s car. JGM, the helper, would ensure nobody else suffered the same fate John did if it was the last thing he did. And he swore on that. He’d make sure nobody else died. After all, everyone deserved a happy family even if Nick and Elle couldn’t have one. It was just him, JGM, and Schaffer, an old friend of his. And it was okay.

 

 

 

 

 

But this is SYPF. And it definitely wasn’t okay. Nick couldn’t stop thinking about JGM. John had never mentioned a friend. Why was he at his dead husband’s funeral? He didn’t know. But he wanted to. Nick McNamara was persistent, and he would find out who this JGM was. He didn’t trust anyone outside of PEIP or family. And his family was gone. He couldn’t trust this JGM even if others did. And that was another thing he swore on.


	37. General McNamara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Imagine the "analysis guy" meme with Nick in this entire scene where he's pointing at the pictures and being like "EVIDENCE."  
> (also is there a romantic relationship between Schaffer and JGM? You'll find out Chapter 47-)

Nick lay the paper out in front of him, convinced JGM had to have been mentioned before. He grabbed the pens and started writing everything he could remember what John had said down. And when he meant everything, he _meant_ everything. This may be one of the stages of grieving, but he didn’t know. What he did know is how John’s lips curled when he got too sarcastic, but it was so sexy he didn’t care. When his lips curled into an uptight smile with meaning when he got too excited. How his lips still curled upwards when he frowned, fury replacing the genuine happiness. And that’s when Nick cared. And Nick was imagining him talking now. It was hard not to. He held the McNamara name with purpose, and right now he felt like Nick Johnson, and not Nick McNamara. His other half was gone, dead, and he had to cling on to everything he could. He now had the fear he’d forget his Johnny. And he didn’t want to imagine that, yet he still did. He could remember every word John had spoken to him in their first encounter. He remembered a lot about what John had said to him. And now, thinking back, he wished he’d have been sober when they hooked up and asked John out like a real man.

And he’ll never get the chance to ask him on a date again. Because he was dead.

Tears of rage fell down his face as he skimmed his handwriting. Not one mention of this JGM. He slammed the pen down, grunting in frustration, allowing the tears to fall. He hadn’t been able to see John properly for weeks before he died. He should have fought harder than to let him go. He should have trusted his instincts yet he didn’t. He let John slip through his fingers and through the cracks where he lay, dead. His skin, his beautiful skin, pierced by bullet wounds. His PEIP uniform, that hung against John’s wardrobe in his memory, was ripped where he’d been shot. There was a dark patch against the black material where it was clear where John had bled out. PEIP had told Nick to throw the uniform out. Nick refused. He was clinging on to every piece of John he could get. The clothes he wore still smelled like him. Especially the shirt. The black shirt that said _Yours Only_ on it. This was the shirt Nick found John in after especially bad fights. And immediately, they’d make up. It didn’t matter what the fight was, if John wore this shirt, he had to make things right, whether it was his fault or not. It usually wasn’t. But sometimes it was. And he always admitted to his mistakes. So there he was, standing in the shirt he bought therefore it was his property but John wore it more than he did, crying. The exact opposite to what John would want from him. “God dammit John you’ve done this to me.” He laughed tearfully. The door to his office at the PEIP Clivesdale facility opened. Schaffer stood there with JGM next to her.

“Mr McNamara?” _Fuck._

“Yes, Flick?” He said, quickly wiping his eyes. He loved how she finally acknowledged he was a McNamara. But he should be acknowledged as the second one, not the original. He’d taken someone’s surname, and that someone was gone.

“JGM has some new information on John’s case-“

“Don’t speak his name. Address him by his title.”

“Okay Nick you’re being ridiculous-“

“Address him by his title.” He said, turning to face the duo. There she was, with the brunette, JGM, the man who claimed to know his husband, yet he knew for a fact he didn’t. Flick rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever. JGM has some new information on General McNamara’s case. Would you like to hear it.”

“Better. And only if it comes from you.”

“It’s not my time and not my place to say it-“

“Then I don’t want to know it. Get out.” He heard Felicity sigh. “Are you sighing to your commanding officer, Colonel?!”

“No sir-“ She said, straightening her posture.

“I should hope you aren’t. The two of you. Out.” And Felicity scurried out. Being a general was harder than Nick thought. And he didn’t know how John did it. Sure, he was new to the job, but he could also pick things up easily.

He didn’t know why it was so different this time.

* * *

 

“Sorry J, I didn’t expect him to react that way.” Flick said, crossing her arms, walking towards the Hatchetfield Analysis room. JGM shrugged.

“It wasn’t your fault, Flick. He reacted righteously. He’s right in knowing John never spoke about me. I’ve had to keep myself undercover for the past few…well you know what I mean.”

“Of course I do.” She smiled softly. “But we’ve got each other?”

“Always had, always will.”


	38. JGM and Schaffer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short burst chapters.

“So, J, what branch of PEIP do you work for now?” Schaffer began, biting into the muffin she’d bought. He took his mask off revealing his true identity. _Just as I suspected,_ Schaffer thought to herself, but only gave him a smile as a return. JGM moved his jaw around as if he’d been in agony for a while. He touched his jaw as it cracked and Schaffer winced.

“We work for CV. As in Clivesdale. General JGM. It suits me, don’t ya think.” He asked, cracking his jaw the other way, causing Schaffer to flinch again. ‘

“Yes, it’s good, but I beg you please stop cracking your jaw. It is vile and disgusting and unnecessary.”

“I think it’s necessary. You try wearing a mask that covers your entire face because CV are stricter than HF are.”

“Technically, J, we all work for CV now.”

“Smartass.” JMG scoffed. “But no, HF just merged to work in CV’s building. I actually work with the CV team now. Get this. The uniform is _navy.”_

“I’ve always said you’d look better in navy.” She smiled.

“Exactly! And I do! And it’s so…exhilaratingly fun! Even if I have almost died about 12 times in the past 8 days.” Schaffer’s eyes widened.

“That’s a lot!”

“I know!” he smiled. “But it’s home.”

 

And home it was. Home it was for ages. Home it was even though Schaffer and JGM spent an unnecessary amount of time together in the same room pretty much every day, no matter how many times Nick said, as their general, it was against the rules. It was the one time Schaffer didn’t listen. If only John were here… Nick couldn’t help but feel a twang of jealousy every time he saw Schaffer and JGM together. He often wondered if they were in a relationship. But Schaffer made it clear to him that she identified with being asexual. So what was this connection with JGM and why did it bother him so much? JGM was never seen without his mask, which had switched from maroon to navy to match his uniform. His uniform. He still wasn’t over John. How good John would have looked in navy. How good his fucking ass would look in the CV uniform, not saying his ass didn’t look good in whatever he wore. Because it did. Time passed and Nick learnt how to be a strong General. And he loved his job just like John loved his. But still, he had his suspicions about this JGM. He visited John’s grave whenever he could, and ensured he found the correct methods for killing the spores in Hatchetfield.

Because it’s what he would have wanted. Hatchetfield to be restored. So that’s what he’d do. He’d restore Hatchetfield. However long it took.


	39. Baby Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma/Paul and Charlotte/Sam's kids are introduced to the plot :')))

“M-“ Emma said as she woke up. She yawned as a baby cried in the other room. “Paul?” She asked, searching for him around the room, rubbing her eyes frantically. “Paul?!” She called.

“In with Misha!” He replied. His voice sounded drowsy suggesting he’d just woken up. Emma sighed a sigh of relief as she kicked the covers back, going in to see her boyfriend. She smiled as she saw him, cradling a very tired Misha. “Morning, Em.”

“Morning, Pauls.” She smiled as she kissed his jaw, attaching herself to his hips.

“Sleep well?”

“If you can say sleeping well trying not to die of worry about your newborn being home for the first time and something bad happening to her in the night as sleeping well then yeah, I slept fine.”

“Emma.” Paul laughed. “Misha’s fine. She slept-“

“Don’t say like a baby.” Emma glared, staring up at him. He pursed his lips and turned his attention back to Misha. Emma punched him lightly. “Dork.” She smiled before hugging him again.

“I’m not that much of a dork.”

“You’re a pretty big dork.”

“If I’m a big dork, are you a small dork?” Emma punched him again.

“Paul I gave birth yesterday. Do not push me, I’m still incredibly hormonal.”

“Okay okay! That was the last one I swear!”

“Don’t swear in front of the baby. I want at least one person in my family who isn’t fucked-shit-ugh!” She groaned, burying her face in Paul’s side as he chuckled.

“Who’s swearing in front of the baby now?”

“Be quiet it was an accident.”

“An accident, I’m sure.” He yawned. “Here. You take her for a while. My arms dead.”

“She isn’t even that heavy-“ Emma said, but didn’t turn down the chance to hold her baby girl. Misha had Emma’s tanned skin and Paul’s eyes. She was a very beautiful baby with incredibly dark hair. But she didn’t mind what Misha looked like. She had 50% of her and 50% of Paul in her DNA. And she was holding the cells that made her up in her arms. “Morning baby Mish.” She smiled, kissing her baby’s nose. Misha looked to Emma confused, which caused Emma to smile more. “I’m your mama. You don’t know what that is yet, but you will. And your dada is in the other room. And your aunt Alice is in the other room. You can’t speak or walk yet, but I promise, when you will, I’ll make sure you don’t get hurt. And I hope you don’t pick up my swearing antics.” She chuckled, sitting in the rocking chair. “I love you, my Misha. And mama will never let you get hurt.”

“You’d better not.” Paul’s voice spoke from the door way, causing Emma to jump.

“Do not make me jump, Paul Matthews. I will not hesitate to kill a bitch.”

“I’m your boyfriend, I have an exception.”

“I won’t hesitate, bitch.”

“You’re a bad influence on our daughter.”

“Shit.” Paul laughed again. “No! Shut up! It’s bad! Wait what am I even saying? I-ugh!”

“You’re adorable.”

“No I’m not.”

“Well, I think you are. And that’s enough.” Paul wrapped his arms around his girlfriend, resting his head on top of hers, peering down at Misha. “I think we did a pretty good job with her, don’t you?” Emma couldn’t help but smile and nod.

“Yeah. I think she’s wonderful. Like her dad.”

“Oh shush.”

“Make me.” Paul laughed and spun her around, pulling her into a kiss, making sure not to disturb Misha as Emma had just got her asleep. “I love you, Paul Matthews.”

“I love you too.”

“Charlie?” Sam asked, turning to face his wife.

“Hmm?” She asked, her voice high pitched with worry.

“Oh! It’s not bad! No don’t get that impression! I’m just wondering how Lily’s settling into her room.” Charlotte smiled and tucked her red curls behind her ear.

“She likes it. She sleeps like an angel. Emma’s said Misha doesn’t sleep at all, and if Satan was a baby, it would be her.” Sam chuckled. “But our Lily…” She placed a hand on Sam’s chest. “I love her.”

“She looks like you.” Sam smiled, causing Charlotte’s heart to flutter.

“She looks like you too. She’s your baby, after all.”

“The last 9 months have definitely been worth it.” She said, running her hands through Sam’s hair. Sam pulled her into a kiss. “I love you, Charlotte Lowery.”

“And I love you, Samuel Lowery.

“Sam to you.”

“Charlie to you.” Charlotte mimicked as Sam pulled her into another kiss.


	40. Venture Into Hatchetfield, Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go back to HF.

“Schaffer? A word.” Nick said, spinning around in his General uniform and walking the opposite direction. “ _Without_ him.” Schaffer nodded and let go of JGM’s arm.

“I’ll be back.” She said as she let JGM go. She saw JGM spin on his own heel, his brunette hair slowly slipping out of the bun it was restrained in. She closed the door in with Elle and Nick. “You wanted to speak to me, sir?”

“Yes, I did. We need to move the subjects. Repulsion activity has increased by 15%. The spores that we thought to have destroyed are back.” Schaffer’s eyes widened.

“You don’t mean-“

“He’s saying we’ve got to go back into Hatchetfield. To venture once and for all. To fulfil dad’s dream.”

“You know what happened 9 months ago, General.”

“How could I forget.” He said, blankly. “My daughter has the training, I have the training, you have the training. We venture into Hatchetfield tomorrow at dawn. We leave Clivesdale behind. We need to track the source and the only way we can do that is by going into Hatchetfield and finding the source itself, putting this device on it-“ he held up his wrist which revealed a watch type mechanism. It’s what he’d have wanted, a time piece. “And that’s how we know whether the spore activity dips or highers.” Schaffer sighed. “Get some rest, Felicity, we leave at dawn.” He repeated. She turned. On the way out, Schaffer lifted her sleeve up. She clicked a button on her watch.

“They’re going back to HF, JGM.”

“Are you taking the fucking piss?” JGM’s voice came from the device. “I told you to keep him away from HF it’s unsafe!”

“I know, J. I’ve tried. But it was always going to be so long before I could hold him off.” J sighed on the other side of the watch. “I’m sorry!”

“The mission’s gonna fail.”

“No. It won’t. I still have faith in you, J.”

“Good thing somebody does. Because I’m certainly starting to lose the will to live. Again.”

“Goodness sake, J.” Schaffer sighed. “You’ll be fine. But you know what you’ve got to do?”

“As long as PEIPCV don’t find out I’ve been interacting with Nick…yeah. I’m gonna fuck up my mission by revealing my identity to him. But he deserves to know.” JGM said.

“Be careful okay? I can’t lose you. And neither can he.”

“I’d say it’s not the first time, but ya know, at the same time it’s not. He’s never really known me. Well not this side of me.”

“Go to HF, J. I’ll see you at dawn.” And she hung up.

* * *

 

Dawn came quickly. Nick sat in the PEIP van. He wondered if what he was feeling was what John had felt before he died. Pure fear. Elle sat in the back, her sandy blonde hair tied up into a bun. Schaffer climbed in. There was a chance he’d die the same way John did. But he couldn’t. Because he had no sister, and Elle wasn’t infected. He knew that for a fact. He had nobody to say ‘I love you’ to before heading into HF. So they crossed the Nantucket Bridge. The scenery was hit with more of a turquoise green instead of the original blue. He pulled his mask tighter, as did Elle. The buildings looked stable as they did before. Nick pulled his tracker out and motioned for Schaffer to stop the Jeep. So she did. The three climbed out, guns armed. Nick took lead. Schaffer was waiting for someone else. Nick shone the torch on the ground following the liquid spore substance, that was, in fact, green. Scary to view. He shuddered. He wondered if John felt this way-

Keep John out of your thoughts for 10 seconds, he thought. He shook his head. The wind smelt of windex, lemons, mint and…John;s cologne. That was new. And he could feel the tears rise again. Maybe it was just the strength of the scent. As Nick successfully located a sample of the slime to put a tracker on it, Elle gasped. “DAD!” She screamed. Nick turned around before a bat hit his head. He was knocked out. Schaffer grabbed Elle.

“JGM’s gonna take care of him. I promise.” She said, pulling Elle back towards the Jeep as JGM dragged Nick towards a building. PEIPCV offices in HF. JGM took a deep breath as he chained Nick up to a chair, shutting the door. He was putting himself at risk. But he needed to tell Nick the truth. He knew Nick was sick of being deceived. So this was the truth.


	41. The Nantucket Bridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What really happened in Hatchetfield 9 months after John's death

Nick stirred, his head killing. He went to touch it, but found his hands were tied. As he came to more, he began struggling. He looked down. He was in a dark room surrounded by black. The carpet was black, the walls were black, and the lighting was white. He winced at the blinding intensity of the lights. He groaned, tugging on the chains again. They jingled as they clashed against one another. He heard another chair scrape against the carpet and footsteps walk towards him. “You’re awake.” Ah. That computer-generated voice he **loved** to hear.

“What do you want from me? I’ve done literally nothing.” He laughed, continuing to fight.

“Nicholas, stop fighting. I’m not going to untie you, there’s no point trying.”

“I’ve never listened to people so why should I listen to you?” he said, pulling harder. JGM sighed.

“You listened to John.” Nick stopped fighting, anger burning in his eyes.

“You don’t have the right to say his name.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s my husband and not yours!”

“That’s only what you claimed.” JGM said. Nick struggled harder in his restraints. “You’re ‘marriage’ was only written on a piece of paper that could be burnt. Does that mean that you were still married? Or did it mean you were single? That you were free?”

“Let me go!”  Nick snapped. “I don’t know who you are, or what you want, but I’m sure I’m not it!” He heard a computer generated laugh emerge from the mask.

“Oh, but you are Nicholas. You’ve been what I’ve wanted for so long, but I knew this interaction would put me in danger. That’s why I’ve waited to confront you directly. I’ve waited for so so long. It’s almost entertaining to see you, what do you like calling it, ‘out of power.’ You seemed perfectly fine with being below power when _John_ was the general-“”

“Shut up! I don’t understand! I’ll give you anything you want I promise! Anything! Just let me go! Please! I don’t understand!” The laugh strengthened. _Oh no,_ Nick thought, _I’m being mocked._

“Nothing’s changed. You never understood. You never did, did you. You didn’t understand when he said, let me think, when he said ‘he’d go over The Nantucket to venture into Hatchetfield one last time.’ Did you? And then you acted surprised when he died. He clearly stated he would go into Hatchetfield one last time, and you didn’t listen. Some husband you were!”

“I tried to and I tried to stop him from going! He didn’t listen to me!“

“But he was the General. He was your general!” JGM stomped his foot causing Nick to flinch. “And you, Nick, you were just a Colonel. What power did you have over him?”

“Please just let me go, I mean no harm.” Nick asked, tugging on the chains again

“And because you mean know harm, that’s the exact reason why you’re here to begin with. Because you’re too soft. Too innocent. Too…pathetic. The branch of PEIP I’m stationed with ensure you are toughened up. The apotheosis gets confused. The spores can’t infect you.”

“Yes they can! They always find a way! John said he wouldn’t get infected-“

“Are you sure? Because…I’ve been living here. The only thing inside this mask is a computer generated voice box that translates my voice into a disguise. And I’m not infected. I’m not singing or dancing.”

“Neither was Heather before she infected John-“

“Are you sure Heather _infected_ John? Are you sure he didn’t get shot on sight after doing literally nothing. How his sister, who he trusted and let back into his life, who turned against his trust and shot him instead of the source of the spores. Because even Heather McNamara knew her brother was weak. General may be a high rank but it doesn’t hold any meaning to it. It only dominates power. And even then, he had no power over the apotheosis and died at the hands of it. You’d have thought, for how long John worked at PEIP, he’d have figured out a cure, wouldn’t he?”

“He was under a lot of stress.” Nick argued.

“But was he? Or was that a façade he put on to make sure you fell for his dirty little trap.”

“John McNamara was the cleanest man I ever knew! He was honest! He wouldn’t lie!”

“If only.” JGM said sternly, ensuring he remained hidden. “If only John McNamara didn’t lie.” He chuckled lightly, but the computer generation made it sound…worse. “General McNamara was dead.” He hesitated before moving towards Nick. Nick struggling against his restraints, more, desperate to get out.  


“You’re being ludicrous!” Nick shouted. “John died! He was shot! He died in a PEIP van on the way back from HF!” He reasoned, but JGM would by hear any of it.   


“I’m being ludicrous.” He laughed. “Did you know that the man killed 9 months ago was a suicidal man. A suicidal man who volunteered to take over the mission? No? I’d have thought, you being John’s husband, you’d have realised he was suicidal.” Nick furrowed his eyes. John didn’t feel like that did he? “He had nothing and got exactly what he was wanted. Death.”  


“I don’t understand!” Nicks voice was laced with rage. He was, to put it simplistically, angry. “John wasn’t suicidal! He always told me everything!”  


“Apparently he didn’t! If only you’d have listened to what he was trying to tell you when he actually spoke to you! You didn’t notice him speaking to you less and less. And there was a very good reason for that.” JGM lofted the heavy mask off his head, the brunette hair flowing from it’s tight position in equal waves. “But you were too preoccupied, weren’t you. With, what did you describe it as again, Nick? ‘Apotheosis business’ even though John strictly told you not to work on that anymore? And there’s the evidence you didn’t listen to him.” His voice was clearer now. More familiar, but at the same time not. It sounded fake. An accent that didn’t belong. Too growly. Too rough.   


“I-“ Nick couldn’t argue. He’d been found out. He tried to listen to John to the best of his capability, but struggled immensely. John was sometimes very difficult to understand, even if they were married. His vents almost had no end. And though Nick was there to comfort him, sometimes it was draining. Maybe he should have listened to him. No. This wasn’t maybe. He _should_ have listened to John. He looked up to JGM, who’s back was turned. “Yes. I was too preoccupied. But not all the time! I did try to listen! I always tried to listen! But sometimes I couldn’t understand him and didn’t have the heart to break him! I never meant to hurt him!”  


“But you always did, didn’t you? You always ended up hurting, John. And guess what?”  The brunette coughed sharply, almost as if he were having a fit. Nick’s eyes widened as he reached for the water on the desk. “I always forgave you.” The accent dropped. And it clicked. He knew that voice. He knew it clearer than his own. _No._ Oh God no. He should have known from the beginning. There was a reason John never mentioned a JGM. Because JGM didn’t exist. But he knew who did exist. And it was him. Him who stood before him, with his back turned. And he couldn’t identify him fully yet…but if his suspicions were right…  


“No! You’re lying! I-I didn’t mean it I-I never meant to zone out I promise I-“  


“No! This is where you listen!” The man clad in navy shouted, holding up his hand to silence Nick. There was a three second pause where neither spoke or moved. Slowly, without moving his hand, what was JGM turned his head to face Nick, peering over his left shoulder. And they made eye contact. His blue eyes were distinct to the extent Nick should have recognised them through the mask. They were a vivid shade of blue, but not scary like the apotheosis made them out to be. Nick knew those blue eyes anywhere; he had a lot of history with them. As he peered into the pools of blue, he felt all the memories flood back to him.  No wonder ‘JGM’ had to keep the mask on at all times. Because Nick now knew as soon as he’d have looked at the eyes, ‘JGM’s’ identity would have been revealed straight away. The brunette’s hair fell around his face being given the freedom, no longer restricted by the mask, shaping his face. It  _hurt_  to see **him** standing there while he was chained to a chair. And he didn’t understand why. There was, however, one distinct difference about him. There was a scar that dragged from his left eyebrow down the left side of his face, stopping just above his lip, narrowly missing his eye. With the experience that Nick had, he was able to identify a knife cut anywhere. Nick also knew, from experience, that it would fade over time, but the pink of the scar suggested the freshness of it. That it had happened recently. So it wouldn’t fade for another couple of years or so. The two men started at each other for a while. The rest of the brunette’s body turned around, his hand remaining in the same position. His hand slowly curled into a tight fist before he lowered his fist, finally facing Nick fully. And this time, Nick wasn’t afraid to make the first move.  


“John.” Nicks voice cracked as the male figure stared him down. But it wasn’t cold like he originally thought. It was gentle. Of course John’s glare would be gentle. He never intended to hurt Nick. And Nick never intended to hurt John. And here he was. His John. Staring him down.   


“When I say I wanted to tell you, Nick… I did. But the fact you admitted to zoning out when I vented to you sometimes, that you wouldn’t listen to me before, it confirmed that I made the righteous decision in not telling you about this to begin with. Besides, it was safer for you to believe I was dead than what I was really doing.”  


“I could have helped! I could have helped with all these missions I’m trained! I know how to do everything!” Nick tugged on his chains again, expecting them to come undone. They clattered loudly and John winced. They definitely hadn’t come undone. But Nick wasn’t one to give up.  


“Babe, please-I want to let you go and I can’t! It’s under PEIP rules-“  


“I don’t care!” Nick shouted, looking up at John again before continuing to fight the restraints.   


“Nicholas McNamara!” John shouted. Nick stopped, biting his lip angrily. “Please just listen to me. I’m not even supposed to speak to you, and here I am. I just....” he paused as if ashamed. “I needed to see you again. Just while I had the chance.”  


“Bullshit!” Nick spat at John. “All of this is fucking bullshit!”  


“I know, Nicky. I-“ he sighed as he turned his head to the door, believing he heard someone approaching the door. Clear. He quickly strode over to his husband, his boots thudding against the floor, echoing gently. He took an axe from the side of the room. “You trust me, right?”  


“Yeah...yeah I do-“

 

“Remain still, remain calm, and don’t move.” John ordered.  Nick tensed up as the axe came swinging down, untying Nick instantly. The metal cuffs were still attached to Nick’s hands but it didn’t matter. He had the freedom that was he could now move his hands however he wanted. As soon as he had full use of his arms, he enveloped John, pulling him on to his knee. He buried his face in John’s hair. God how he’d missed him.   


“Don’t go, John. Please. Please come home. Elle misses you like mad. Don’t do this for me do it for her. Please John-“  


“Nick...you know I would if I could...” John said, placing his arms around his husband. “But I can’t.”  


“You’re lying.” Nicks voice cracked again. “You can come home. What you are doing is dangerous, John McNamara! Your putting yourself against the frontline-“  


“No. It’s dangerous to you, but not to me. I have the training, Nicky, I’m safe. I promise.” 

“I have waited months.” Nick started. “I have slept in a cold bed these months, shed tears every day thinking you were dead only to find out you’re alive and you’re saying you can’t come home. I have longed to hug you again, to kiss you, to just fucking love you and you’re refusing to come home!”

 

“It’s not that I don’t want to, Nick. It’s against PEIP rules!” John repeated, still holding Nick tightly. 

 

“You are the highest rank, John!” He shouted, clear he was crying. “Yes you can!” This caused a switch to flick in John.

 

“I know I can, okay?!” He finally pulled away, standing back up, climbing off Nick’s knee. “But I can’t! If I go home, the mission ends. More people die. And then it spirals out of my control! And do you want that?!”

 

“No!-“

 

“So shut up and be patient.” He said. He took a deep breath to collect his thoughts. He hated lashing out at Nick. “The guy who stepped in for me, his name was Adam Icacks. Our past generals son. His dad died a while before I supposedly did. So I suited him up, and with the help of makeup, the mission began. Of course, I’ve been alive all this time. He died for me. It was all planned.” His eyes flicked back to the door. “Of course I’ve been in your life. And I can tell you had your suspicions about me and Schaffer. She’s been in on this as well. She’s been feeding me information about the subjects, about you, and about everyone else. I know about Paul and Emma’s daughter. I know about Charlotte and Sams daughter. I know about how you started planning everything out, driving yourself insane as you tried to figure out who I was. It was obvious. J.G.M. Familiar now, Nicky? John, General, McNamara. But let me tell you something, you make an extremely good general. I always knew you had it in you-“

 

“J, you need to get out of there. The spores are fighting back. The cure’s stopped working. We’ve gotta go. You can come home. Everyone that’s needed to be cured has been. Come back to PEIPHF. We’ll take care of you.” Schaffer spoke over the watch.

 

John clicked the button, turning his back, giving Nick a nice view of his ass. _Always knew his ass would look great in navy._ “Affirmative. Will be at the Jeep in 2.” He closed the watch. “Hands.” He told Nick. Nick outstretched his wrists and John took a pair of pliers. “Don’t fucking move Nick.” He ordered as the cuffs were cut. He grabbed a mask with an oxygen filter attached and forced one into Nick’s hands. He placed his hand on his husband’s shoulders. “Nicholas McNamara, it’s been confirmed the rest of the staff in this building are infected. I’m not leaving you again. These 9 months have been the hardest. I love you, so so much. So don’t you dare think I don’t. I forgive you. I always have, I always will. Now put your mask on and-“ Nick cut him off by pulling him into a kiss. He felt John smile back. As the two pulled away, John threw Nick a gun. “Mask on. Run.” Nick nodded.

 

“Affirmative, General.”

 

“Be quiet, General.” Nick laughed, slipping the mask on, and opening the door. With John running behind him, they made it through to the Jeep where Elle was sat. John climbed in the front with Schaffer. Elle furrowed her eyebrows. “Who’s that? We went with three and-“ John took the mask off and turned his head to face Elle.

 

“Hey Ellie.”

 

“Holy shit! No I don’t wanna cry I’m gonna ruin my makeup!” She said. “You have a lot of fucking explaining to do, dad!” She shouted at John, who chuckled.

 

“Drive, Felicity. We’re going home.”

 

“We’re going home!” The other three chorused as they drove across The Nantucket Bridge, it raising behind them, as they reached Clivesdale again.

 

“Welcome home, Johnny!” Nick smiled, dragging John back into their room. “And I always said your ass would look great in navy.” John couldn’t resist himself, letting himself wild with the passionate kisses. They could hardly breathe, suffocating each other with their love. But they didn’t care. “And you suit a brunette.” John laughed.

 

“So do you.”

 

“My natural hair colour is brunette, you ass.”

 

“You’ve already told me how great my ass is.” John said, slapping his husband’s behind, causing him to go red.

 

“You bottom, John!”

 

“Switch!” John replied, burying his face in a pillow after flopping on the bed. Nick lay next to him and rolled to face his husband.

 

“I love you, John McNamara.” He smiled as John rolled on to his chest.

 

“I love you too, Nicky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @lightning.png - SYPF is just one big sike, still APPLIES HERE LMAOOOOO FOOLS


	42. Dialogue VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scene 1: John has a nightmare and then him and Nick have a fight.  
> Scene 2: fluff. (paulkins edition)

After lying in bed, unsuccessfully falling asleep, John turned to Nick, who was falling asleep against him. “Maccie? Do you think…do you think we could talk?” He felt Nick stir on him. He was unsure to whether this was a positive or negative response. “Yeah?” He asked, his voice lifting hopefully. “Nick?” he asked again, but Nick had fallen asleep minutes ago. John sighed. He was really hoping Nick could talk to him. But he’d have to fall asleep alone. Again. He should have expected this. Nick was always the first asleep, and he’d forgotten. As a matter of fact, John had forgotten most of Nick’s antics while he was away. For this reason, he felt incredibly guilty. He felt he was compelled to remember every little thing about Nick, seeing as they were married. Being away from the love of his life had obviously taken toll, and for the past 9 months, John had questioned a lot of things. Most of which could have been answered by Nick, but he wasn’t there, so he suffered alone. 9 months ago he’d promised he wouldn’t forget anything about Nick, yet he’d lied to himself. As he lay with his husband, he’d have to relearn everything. Nick, just yesterday, appeared as a faint memory, someone distant who should have remained forgotten. Yet here they were, snuggled up against each other, John’s thoughts crashing into the walls of his skull. He had promised himself Nick would not leave his mind.  
  
But he had.  
  
Nick had left his mind on multiple occasions, and it felt wrong for them to just be…normal again. As normal as the McNamara’s had ever been, Still, John kissed Nick’s forehead, and whispered a quick “good night, Nicholas McNamara. I love you.” He said before closing his eyes and falling into a restless sleep. As he did, he was immediately thrown into a dream mimicking his time with PEIPCV. In the few months he’d been there, his mentality had been wrecked, hence the ability to relive these moments. Thinking back, he didn’t even remember the true reason he even signed up for a higher position. He was satisfied with his position with PEIPHF. Maybe it’s because he knew that PEIPCV needed someone of a stronger build, someone who could lock their feelings away and not worry about death. Maybe that was the real reason. He thought he was strong enough for the position. Little did he know he was the opposite. The navy uniform was a lot more comfortable than that of the black, but that was the only upgrade he got with the promotion. The rest was a downgrade. Every time he went into Hatchetfield with his new squad and had to shoot a person, whether they were infected or not, he couldn’t show any emotion. He was thankful for the mask. It hid his tears and his flinching. As soon as he reached his quarters back in Clivesdale, he threw his mask to the ground and broke. Broke so hard he couldn’t walk, most of the time.

That’s how bad it often got.

In this specific scene in the dream, he could feel the tightness of his bun on the back of his head. He heard his breathing get quicker and the heat being deflected from the glass screen of the mask. He could feel his heart beating, but not from adrenaline. He raised his gun above his shoulder and swung it, taking out a zombie, blue blood squirting on to his forearms seeing as the uniform was short sleeved. He winced, feeling the cold sensation, but couldn’t wipe it off. He had to prove his place. He couldn’t drop his gun. If he did, his identity would be found out. It was too big of a risk. Through his mask, through his black tinted mask, he saw the back of his husband’s head. He knew it. His instincts were screaming that it was Nick. Again, he raised the weapon and bought it down, knocking Nick out instantly. As the cracking of Nick’s skull hit the ground, John awoke in a cold sweat to a very concerned, and very much alive, Nicholas McNamara.

“Holy shit John!” Nick said, eyes wide. Still pretty startled., John noticed the amount of sweat that was on his forehead and how much he was trembling. He didn’t want to relive that event again, yet he had.       Now, seeing as he’d worried Nick, he’d have to explain what had happened and he didn’t know if he could. “Hey! John! Holy shit look at me…” Nick’s voice was softer this time. “I’ve never seen you shake harder in your life, Jesus! Come on sit up, come on you’re okay.” The taller man said, gently grabbing John’s arm and hoisting him up into the sitting position. “Okay maybe you’re not okay so please don’t say ‘I’m fine’ when I know for a fact that’s a lie.” He gently cupped John’s face just to see tears overflow into John’s eyes. He smiled sympathetically, pulling him into a hug. “I’ve got you,” Nick began. He’d make sure John was okay until he died…again. “It was just a dream. You don’t have to tell me what happened.” He heard a muffled sniff come from his chest region. “Let yourself cry, babe. If you need to let it out, you need to let it out.”

“I’m fine.” John insisted, it clear he wasn’t.

“John, I’ve already told you not to play that card. You are not fine and you know it. But I want to help you. I really do. But there is only so much I can do, Johnny.”

“Don’t say it.”

“I think-“

“Don’t!”

“Just listen and consider okay? I think-“

“No!”

“John, I think you need a therapist-“ John punched Nick hard in the chest, winding him. As Nick let John go to caress his chest, it gave John space to leave. “John!” Nick sighed, his voice raspy. “Come back, please just talk to me!” But he didn’t. For the first time in their 13 years together, during one of John’s breakdowns, the past-blonde reached for a shirt which didn’t have the words _I’m Yours_ etched on to it. Instead, he reached for a green shirt and jeans before wiping his eyes with the back of his arm. He left his husband and locked himself in the bathroom to change. Instead, he looked in the mirror. That ugly scar he had. It wasn’t even his fault he had it. He never asked for it. Yet he still got it. A member of the infected army had cut him while he was down, and he was stuck with it. It was just a constant reminder he was a victim of war. And it wasn’t fair. He also had brown hair now, which he hated. It was slowly washing out and he was beginning to see the blonde come back. But he just wanted to go back to 10 months ago, when everything was fine. John was fine. He didn’t need a therapist at all. Of course he didn’t. So he wouldn’t get one. As he wiped his tears again and peered into the mirror, he turned into the physical embodiment of rage as his fist smashed the mirror. He was no longer fazed by the blood on his knuckles. It wasn’t the worst pain he’d felt, after all. He remained still, his arms outstretched, gripping both sides of the sink, allowing the tears to fall down.  He was John McNamara. He didn’t need a therapist. He bandaged his hand up and left the bathroom, not glancing back at Nick, and ran downstairs. He got back into his car and drove off. He knew exactly where he was going. To the PEIP base to see Schaffer, properly. Even if he was just John McNamara, he had to vent occasionally. And with Nick having confessed he zoned out during John’s vents, he’d lost a large amount of trust. He stormed into the base, his converse tapping against the tiles as he opened the door to Schaffer’s office.

“John?” Schaffer asked, swivelling around.

“Can I vent?”

* * *

 

“Paul your kid is being a pain in the ass.” Emma sighed, bouncing Misha up and down against her chest as Paul sat up, smiling.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“She wouldn’t shut up. Be fucking grateful that you’re a deep sleeper. She’s loud as well jeez.”

“Well, think of it this way, at least she was delivered safely and she’s happy and alive.”

“How can you even tell she’s happy?” Emma asked, taking her rightful place besides Paul on the bed.

“Look into her eyes and tell me that is not a happy baby.” As Paul said this, Misha gurgled with delight. Paul felt his heart melt. “Can I hold her?”

“Yes.” Emma said, passing Misha over, pulling her phone out.

“Are you going to take a billion and twelve photos of me and Mish again?”

“Someone has to.” Paul smiled, shaking his head as he held the tiny baby in his all-too-large arms. Misha gurgled again as she stared up at Paul, the world still new and exciting to her. Paul felt his heart swell and wondered whether this was how Cam felt when he held Elle for the first time. “Do you think Elle would like to meet her cousin?” He asked, not drawing his eyes away from the baby. Emma shrugged.

“I don’t know. You’ll have to message her lately.” Paul nodded, continuing to support Misha. “I love her.” Emma stated, snapping a picture of Misha and Paul. Paul’s glasses slid further down his nose. “Oh-“ Emma said, crawling across the bed and pushing them further up his face. “There you go, handsome.” Emma smiled. Paul looked up to her and leant in for a kiss, to which Emma returned.

“Thank you, Miss Perkins.”

“It’s not a problem Mr Matthews holding baby Matthews.” Emma smiled, resting her head on Paul’s shoulder as Misha grabbed Paul’s pinky.

“Emma she’s so tiny she can’t even grab my whole hand-“

“Are you crying again?” A silence, and then a sniff. “Oh my god babe you dork-“ Emma laughed as she pecked his jawline. “Anyone would have thought you were the one who gave birth to her, you’re more emotional than I am! And I pushed a whole ass human out of my dick hole.” Paul laughed tearfully.

“God I love this family.”

“Me too, Pauls. Me too.”

“What do you think her first will be?”

“Knowing me, it’ll be a curse word.”

“That would make a lot more sense than something wild like “apotheosis.” Emma twitched.

“Mhmm, yeah, I feel that.” And the two, as content as they were, remained strong. And with the new baby, they were even happier, if that was even humanely possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John McNamara:  
> Nick McNamara: john you need a therapist  
> John: vibe check *punches nick so hard he forgets how to inhale, but remembers how to exhale because ://///*


	43. Please Elle I- Please, He's Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN AND NICK BUT ANGST

“Schaf, he doesn’t listen. And because he doesn’t listen, but I love him, and I don’t want to leave him, what do I do?”

“John, what you do is talk to him. He loves you, and you love him! He deserves to know how you’re feeling!”

“What if I lose him?”

“You _won’t_ lose him.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t. But I’m optimistic.” John replied with a nod. He stood up and walked over to Schaffer, who enveloped him in a hug. “You’ll be okay.”

* * *

 

On the journey home, every negative thought raced through his mind. But this was Nick. Nick wouldn’t hurt him. Although, the last time he said that, he’d been killed by Nick as Elle watched from a distance. He shook his head, trying to rid his mind of these thoughts. As the adrenaline began to pump throughout him, the nauseating feeling in the pit of his stomach began to swirl quicker as he approached the building. Upon parking the Jeep and walked up to the door, he felt even worse. Schaffer’s words rang through his head.

_“You’ll be okay.”_

He stepped inside and heard Nick humming some song from the other room. He walked down the hallway, not bothering to remove his shoes, realising this could end with him in the garden, smoking a cigarette. He pushed the living room door open and saw Nick lounged on the couch. As soon as Nick saw John, he sat bolt upright. “Hey.” He smiled softly, though John didn’t return the same feeling.

“We need to talk.” He said, sternly. Immediately, he watched Nick begin to fidget.

“Wait, I think I left something at work-“

“Now. Nicholas. Now. We need to talk and we need to talk now. About a certain confession.” He watched Nick straighten his posture.

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“There is no exception. You don’t get a say. You listen to me and you listen to me now!” Neither of the pair spoke up. “I’ll continue. You admitted that you didn’t listen to me in my face because you were scared of JGM after he took power.”

“I didn’t mean it!”

“What, that you don’t zone out when I speak. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.” He watched Nick become distant. “I AM YOUR GENERAL!” He stomped his foot, bringing Nick back to reality. “My point proven. You stopped listening.”

“I stopped listening when you got your general promotion. As soon as you became a higher rank, you became a cocky bastard and I don’t like it.”

“So when I need to vent, you decide to zone out because you still believe I’m a cocky bastard?!” Silence. “When I need you most, you tune me out because you think I’m a cocky bastard?!” Silence again. John laughed infuriated. He kept eye contact with Nick. “That settles it. Get the fuck out of my sight, we’re going on a break.” This bought Nick back to his senses.

“What the fuck?!” Nick gasped, jumping up. “What the fuck do you mean ‘we’re on a break?!’ You’ve just been away for 9 months!”

“I’m fully aware of that.”

“So why?!”

“Because I found the truth! I found out you don’t listen to me! I’m protecting my identity! I’m doing this for me, I’m doing this for Elle-“

“Do not bring Eleanor into this!” Nick shouted. The two stared each other down. “I can’t believe this. I presumed you dead for nine months and as soon as you come home, you want to leave again?!”

“Yes, Nick, that’s exactly the situation that’s occurring right now.” John retaliated, his voice calm, yet craving the understanding for Nick to get the picture.

“Get out.”

John laughed. “You’re being serious? I, John McNamara, who payed for this house, is being told to get out of the same house? I don’t think so. You get out.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” And with that, Nick shoved past John to go back to his room.

* * *

 

Nick stormed upstairs. “Going on a break my ass.” He grunted, hauling the suitcase out of the cupboard. He flung the doors open, beginning to shove clothes inside.

“Did you need me or were you arguing?” Elle asked, appearing from the doorway.

“So you heard?” Nick said, not turning to face her.

“Yes I heard. Was it _that_ bad?” Nick finally looked at his daughter.

“He doesn’t want to stay here, Elle. He wants to ‘go on a break.’” Nick pushed the case off the bed and grabbed the handle. “Gone for 9 months, now nearly 10, and he doesn’t want to see me. However, I haven’t been fired. Yet.”

“What do you mean? He can’t leave!”

“He’s not. I am.” And with that, Nick left. Elle, shocked, ran after Nick, but was met with a slammed door. She walked to the garden and saw John sitting on the wall, a cigarette in hand.

“What’s going on, dad?” Elle asked, adjusting her sweater. “Why has Nick gone?”

“Elle-“ John began, but took another drag.

“I’m 18, not 3. I can take it.”

“He lies, Elle. When I need him most, he zones out. Deliberately or not, he zones out.”

“What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t listen, He always says what he thinks is best for me, and never takes my opinion into consideration.” He paused. “The break won’t be forever. I hope.”

“So, Nick doesn’t listen to you, and instead expects you to follow his orders when we all know you dominate this family?”

“Yes, honey.” Elle punched her hand.

“I won’t hesitate, bitch.” Anger filled her eyes.

“Nice vine reference.”

“Thanks! I’ve been practising!” she beamed, but walked to the wall. She sat down. “Seriously. If he’s hurting you that much, please get help.”

“I am.”

“I’m gonna see Nick.”

“ **P** lease **E** lle **I** - **P** lease, **H** e’s **F** ine!-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please  
> Elle  
> I-  
> Please  
> He's   
> Fine   
> -  
> Or (PEIPHF)


	44. After DarkNamara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> paulkins are back, I repeat, paulkins are back, and will be back for some time now.   
> -  
> Scene 1: Elle and John (angst sorta)  
> Scene 2: PAULKINS ft thatswhatshesaid (fluff)  
> Scene 3: Paul and Elle (phone call)  
> Scene 4: Nick and Elle (elle gets feisty)  
> Scene 5: John. (angst.)  
> Scene 6: Nick and John (i can't tell which category it goes in)  
> Scene 7: outro.

Chapter 44:

“Dad, I don’t give a fuck if Nick’s fine or not. I am gonna go and see him whatever you say, and it’s clear you aren’t in the mood for another fight. So, Dad, where is he?” John only sighed, taking another drag from the cigarette, that was still lit. “Dad. I swear to god-“

“At PEIPCV, in his office, probably. If not, I don’t know.”

“Okay! Thanks dad!” Her face stretched into a smile. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Elle.”

“Oh, last question, did you actually want him to leave? Like was that the purpose of the fight? That you wanted Nick to leave?”

“Why would I want him to leave?” John asked as he looked towards his daughter. Elle shrugged.

“You never know! That could have been the reason!”

“Could have been, but it wasn’t.”

“I see that now! I’ll be home by twenty three hours- oh hell I’m talking like you!” She clasped her hands over her mouth, shocked. “Sorry! I’m gonna walk there! Love you!”

“I love you too, Elle, please keep safe. And don’t hurt Nick.”

“I won’t dad. Well, not too much-“ And with that, Elle left, her running footsteps fading. That left John alone with his thoughts. He could only pray he’d be alright eventually.

* * *

 

“MR MATTHEWS!” Emma shouted from the bottom of the stairs. “Wake your butt up! We’re meeting up with Melissa, Sam, Charlotte, The Lowery Kid TM and Elle!” Paul groaned inaudibly, but didn’t stir. He heard Emma walking up the stairs, her actions echoing against the walls. She quickly approached their room and then everything stopped. After a few seconds, he thought he was fine and could go back to sleep. Unfortunately for him, he felt a gush of cold liquid on his face that quickly soaked him to the bone. On instinct, Paul sat bolt upright out of pure shock as he unstuck his shirt from his chest and pulled it off. Emma smiled as Paul shook his head. “Good morning, Pauls. How are you?”

“I’m wet, thanks for asking.”

“That’s what she said.”

“What?”

“What?” Emma mimicked her boyfriend’s voice, but her boyfriend returned her statement by shaking his face dry, dotting her with water. “I did what I had to do.”

“By tipping water on me.” He sighed, just a sentence and not a question.

“Yep!” Something seemed to attract Emma’s attention as she turned to the lump in her arms. “Yeah! Mama’s funny, isn’t she, Misha?” Paul turned to see his baby. She was still small; only three days old.

“Can I hold her, please?” Paul asked as he dried himself off with the blanket.

“I guess that’s valid.” Emma said as she handed the newborn over to Paul.

“Hello, princess.” Paul cooed, kissing Misha’s head. Misha looked up at Paul, confused. “Everything’s new to you, isn’t it honey?” He asked the baby, knowing he wouldn’t get a reply, but he didn’t mind. As Paul peered into Misha’s eyes, he noticed something alarming, and ignored what Emma said. He accepted the fact that she was there, but didn’t process it.

“Hey Paul? Paul Matthews…Paul!” She clapped by his ear, causing him to jump and to turn back to her.

“Hmm? Did you say something?”

“It’s unimportant now. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah everything’s good. I just had a sudden realization.”

“Oh okay. Wanna share?”

“Birthday present for a Miss Emma Perkins.” Emma smiled, kissing his cheek.

“Anyways, I’m stealing my baby back-“ she said as she removed Misha from Paul’s arms to feed her again. “Get up. You know Char gets worried if we are even as much as a minute late. Be down in ten. I love you!” She smiled as Paul kicked back the covers.

“Alright, Em. I love you too.” Paul faked a smile. His jaw muscles seemed to hurt a lot more today. Emma furrowed her eyebrows, seeing pain in his eyes, but she knew nothing was wrong. She shook her head, equally matching her confused expression, before leaving. As soon as she was a safe distance away, Paul scrambled for his phone, hitting ring on his niece’s contact.

* * *

 

Elle was on her way to fix her father’s relationship when her Uncle Paul rang. “Hello, Miss Elle McNamara-Matthews, what can I do you for?”

“It happened.”

Elle froze in her tracks. “What do you mean?”

“It finally happened”

“This was the wrong day for Dad and Nick to fight.”

“We’re screwed.”

“No we aren’t, okay? We’re gonna get you in the facility and then you can talk to Dad.”

“That sounds good.”

“I’ll pass the message on ASAP. See you later, Uncle Paul. Don’t hurt anyone.”

“I’ll try not to, Elle!”

* * *

 

After that, Elle picked up the pace. This…wasn’t good. She walked through the clean, sterile halls of PEIPCV before bursting into Nick’s office. “Have you been lying to dad?” She gasped, angry.

“Oh, he’s told you, has he?”

“Nick please! It stopped working! Paul-it happened. He broke and it happened. Dad’s theory is incorrect. We need your studies. But the only way we can ensure the process is guaranteed is if it’s analysed by the _General!”_

“Oh. My. Fucking. God.” Nick, eyes wide, tipped his head back in his chair, frustrated. “It didn’t work?!”

“Nope.”

“And John-“

“Is heartbroken? Smoking? Distraught? Yes to all those things. _You_ need to apologise, Nick McNamara. And for fucks sake, be grateful it wasn’t Schaffer giving you this speech.” Elle folded her arms and leant across the wall. It was in this moment Nick realised there was no escaping this. He had to confront John, whether he wanted to or not. He couldn’t win. Steadily, he lifted the phone and pressed ring, never feeling Elle’s eyes leave his sight.

* * *

 

John was on his third cigarette of the day. Yes, he had been crying. Yes, he was ashamed because he’d been crying. The one thing he did know was that he wasn’t ashamed of crying because of who the fight was about; he really loved his Nicky. His Nicky. His Nicky who married him on the 21st of July 2006. His Nicky who met him on the 14th of December 2003; he was 21, John was 20. Nick who allowed him to steal his clothes without a care in the world. Nicholas McNamara who adopted a baby girl with him. Nick McNamara who lied. Nick who zoned out when John needed him. Nick who never took his own husband into consideration. Nicholas McNamara nee Johnson, the reason he was a General, the reason he was addicted to cigarettes. Nick McNamara, _his_ husband, who hurt him emotionally to the extent John had to question everything he had ever done, everything he had ever thought. Nick McNamara who feigned love, or made a lousy attempt at trying to act in love. He manipulated him. Nick McNamara who knew of John’s awful history, and went beyond John’s comfort zone without John’s consent which made John uncomfortable. Nick McNamara. The man John loved.

Or did he?

“God fucking dammit John.” He wiped new tears away as he reminisced over his and Nick’s good times. He always did after fights. He put the cigarette out, exhaling the smoke from his lungs. It was in that moment, his phone started ringing. He walked inside and closed the back door before answering. “Gen J McNamara speaking.”

“The studies are false.”

Fuck. That was Nick’s voice. And Nick was ringing him. And John could easily collapse there and then. “I’m sorry, the BLU-3 paired with the GR-33N has to be correct! It makes a slime like consistency that-“

“John, it happened. The studies are false. He couldn’t control it.”

“So I now have to go and talk to you in person after you tried to kick me out of my own house?”

“I don’t want to see you either.” A smack came from the other line, followed by a wince. “Yes.”

“Is Elle there?”

“Yep.” Again, silence. “John, I’m sorry okay. I should have admitted the truth instead of pushing you to your limit-“ But John hung up and began his journey to PEIPCV.

* * *

 “He hung up.” Nick declared, sliding the phone back into his pocket. “That can only mean one thing.” Nick looked to his daughter. The two got the same idea and began running through the halls. They ran to the testing room and began setting everything up, cautiously removing testing samples from their containers and laying them out on the benches. They both heard the thudding of John’s boots becoming louder. Nick snatched his notes from the binder and lay them beside his own test samples.

“He’s here.” Elle whispered. Slowly, Nick turned around to face John. The scar, that almost appeared as a ribbon, tying John’s facial features together, made his husband look more intimidating under the orange light.

“Notes. Full details. Now.”

“So um-“ Why was Nick nervous? “After close inspection between sample one and sample two, I made the connection that sample one couldn’t hold the full dose of BLU-3 meaning that it contains more aspects of GR-33N. This also means that the pathogen R-3D won’t work on specimen one. As you can see, it’s more teal in colour. Containing it under a strong orange light-“ he grabbed a brighter orange light to demonstrate, “you can see, upon shining, the specimen begins to bubble, like specimen 2 does with a red light. That means we need a new cure for those under specimen 1. According to my studies, there aren’t just two different kinds of the pathogen. Those who suffer more with the infection will have specimen one in their bodies. Specimen two is meekly just the second stage. It goes down the chart until the specimen is reddish purple. This is where we put them on antibiotics, but are more prone to death with the wrong cure. I have yet to extract a sample of that, which would be…specimen 7. Specimen 8 is a cured person’s blood that I need to continue monitoring.”

“Good work, Colonel.” Nick turned back around to see John closer to him and Elle nowhere in sight. “One, I should have accepted your notes in the first place. You’re on to something. Two, I want you to come home. Three, you using scientific terms is really fucking hot-“ John pinned Nick against the wall and stood on his toes to kiss him. Nick, hesitantly, kissed back, before feeling the genuineness of John’s actions. “My office, Colonel.” Nick shuddered and enclosed the specimens before locking the door to his office and following his husband.

Outside, Elle pulled her phone out.

“Hey! Uncle Paul! Good news! Appointment and training, 16 oclock tomorrow. Shit I’m speaking like dad. 4PM.”

“And training? A bonus. Thanks Elle. I’ll be there.”

“No problem. Say hi to Char for me! Oh, sorry I can’t be there. Family issues with my dads.”

“I get it. We suspected that. Anyways I’ve gotta go. Emma’s left me with a very fussy Misha while she’s in the bathroom."

Elle nodded. “See you tomorrow, Paul!” Before hanging up.

 

Maybe things would be okay after all.

 

* * *

 

 

But there was still that possibility, after all these events, where everything is seemingly okay, something could go disastrously wrong? Like, I don’t know, the infection-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> J coughs as she sits at her computer
> 
> she writes a friends episode
> 
> The One Where John McNamara Doesn't Have An Argment and eli just liked so many messages i could have used my phone to revive someone in need of a defibrillator tbh, oh she's still liking things okay thanks. 
> 
> oh it's 9 iN The AftERnOoN


	45. Don't Let Anything Slip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in summary, emma's worried and the lads fucked

Emma sat downstairs, awaiting Paul’s arrival. She couldn’t stop worrying about him. That smile was definitely full of pain, definitely fake, yet his eyes showed no recognition to the fact he was in pain. Paul always made it clear to Emma how he felt. But this time was different. His expressions showed two different things. And she didn’t like it. She wanted to know how he was feeling. She could just be overreacting. That was the path she was going down. She was overanalysing again. Slowly, she tried to calm down, but it didn’t really work. She continued bouncing Misha up and down on her chest to calm her down after she became fussy. Paul was in the bathroom and they were waiting to set off. But there was still that nagging undertone that Paul was hiding something from her. But Paul wasn’t that kind of person. She heard the bathroom door open, and Paul stepped out. He looked okay, leaving Emma confused as to what he was really thinking. “We’ve wasted enough time. Let’s go and see everyone else.” He smiled. Emma exhaled, relaxing.

“Yeah. Let’s go.” She stood up and kept Misha close to her heart, protectively. Paul’s smile softened as he looked at Emma.

“And you were the one panicking about not being a good mother.”

“Shush, Paul. I never said that in my life.”

“You had a pretty big breakdown over it.”

“Yes and I thought we agreed to never bring that up again.”

“Last mention.” He smiled as he kissed her nose. Emma couldn’t help but smile wider.

“Come on, Charlotte’s probably panicking her ass off right now”

“No swearing in front of Misha.”

“Please shut up.”

“You’re obsessed with my voice.”

“No comment.” And the couple walked out of the building.

* * *

 

“Sammy! Have you seen my sweater?!” Charlotte asked, frantically searching for her sweater.

“No I haven’t!” Sam’s voice came from Lily’s bedroom. Charlotte left out a shout of frustration as she sat on the edge of the bed. Sam walked back into their room, no baby in hand, and looked at his wife. “”Hey, honey?” He said as he knelt in front of Charlotte. “Listen to me. I know your stressed. It’s our first proper meet up with your colleagues since HF. But you’re going to be okay. We’re going to be on time, and nothing is going to go wrong. Not today. Okay?”

“Okay…” Sam smiled softly and kissed Charlotte’s knuckles before standing back up and beginning to fold the clothes Charlotte had carelessly tossed around the room.  He hung them back up in the wardrobe and picked up the sweater Charlotte had been searching for off the floor.

“The cat found the sweater.” He said as he held a small kitten in one arm and the baby blue sweater in the other. She let out a sob of stress, which Sam picked up instantly. He slid across the bed and pulled her into a hug. “It all got too much for you again, didn’t it?” Charlotte nodded as she sniffed. “Well, I found your sweater.”

“Thanks, Sammy.” She said, her voice slightly muffled by his leather jacket. “I’m sorry I’m just nervous to see everyone again. I mean, Emma and Paul settled in really well with their baby and Melissa’s settled down. Hell, even Elle is content with Gen J, Colonel M and Paul. And we still haven’t adapted to parenthood.” She sniffed.

“I know. But it will take time. It takes different people different time spans okay? Every baby is different. And ours is a very special one.”

“Our little miracle.” She smiled, wiping her tears. She took the sweater away from Sam and put it on. “Okay. I’m ready to go now.”

“Alright. Remember if you need to go at anytime, we can leave earlier.”

“Okay. Thank you Sam.” Sam pulled Charlotte up on to her feet as they went to collect Lily. Charlotte lifted the baby out of the crib in the blanket.

“Shall we go?”

“Yes.” Charlotte offered a small smile as Sam set the kitten on the floor. “Bye kitty. I love you.” Charlotte said as she bent down to stroke the kitten. The kitten mewed softly as a reply. Sam helped Charlotte stand back up. Together they walked to the car.

* * *

 

“Ew, oh my god gross, I don’t care if you just fucked or not but please put shirts on-“ Elle said as she shielded her eyes. Nick smiled as he kissed John again. Elle rolled his eyes. “Anyways Paul’s on his way. Which one of you wants to speak to him? About the situation.” John climbed off of Nick and stood up.

“Me. I’m the General.” John said as he threw his shirt on, not yet bothering with the hoodie. He put a hair tie in between his teeth as he fixed his hair in a bun. His hair was a much lighter shade of brown, returning to it’s original blonde state. Elle’s jaw dropped.

“How can you just throw your hair up effortlessly? It takes me 6 cans of hairspray and twelve hair ties for me to just put my hair in a ponytail!”

“Practise, Elle.” John smirked as he grabbed his jacket before leaving the room. Elle turned back to Nick.

“Shirt on.” She said, before going to follow her father. She ran to caught up with him. “Daaaad-“

“What, Elle?” He asked, placing his beret atop of his head.

“When can I become a PEIP agent?”

“Okay that is not happening.” He said automatically.

“Why?! I’m perfectly capable!”

“Yes but it’s more dangerous for you.”

“Dad please! I want to do everything you do! It’s not like I haven’t been exposed to everything already! I’ve seen blood, I’ve seen death, I’ve seen alien destruction just like you have!”

“Only because you didn’t listen to us.” Elle sighed.

“I am 19 soon. I would like to become a PEIP agent before then.”

“You will not becoming a PEIP agent.”

“I’ll get Schaffer to train me!”

“Schaffer knows that if she trains you she will get fired.”

“Dad please! This is so unfair!”

“It’s not unfair when I’m keeping you safe.” He walked past his office, into the room next to it. He turned the light on and unlocked the cell. “Now go and find your uncle and bring him here.” Elle turned to fight but just grunted. John shook his head as he took his seat at the computer, signing in.

“Elle just walked past me. She didn’t seem too pleased.” John laughed as Nick walked into the room.

“She wants to be a PEIP agent.”

“And what did you say?”

“I said no.”

“Johnny…” Nick sat next to him. “You can’t protect her all the time. She is nearly 19 after all. She’s going to want a job. And if she wants a job with her fathers and her aunt, then so be it. We can’t stop her. And Schaffer can train her-“

“If Schaffer trains Elle, she’s going to be fired.”

“John…”

“What? I know what’s best for my daughter!”

“Or do you? You said you didn’t need therapy, yet I know you do. If you don’t know what’s best for yourself, how do you know what’s best for Elle?” John sighed and turned back to the computer, clicking on to the document.

“I got therapy.” He sighed. “No, I won’t discuss it with you. But…I took your advice and…I got therapy.” That immediately proved John wrong and Nick right.

“You see? So if you tried to fight with me about something you ended up doing anyways, and Elle wants to be one of us, what are you going to do?” John bit the inside of his lip.

“I guess I can let Schaffer train her.”

“That’s my boy.”

“Shut up.”

“Kiss.” So John rolled his eyes, but kissed Nick’s jaw. “I love you, John.”

“I love you too, Nick.”

* * *

 

Emma and Paul walked into the room to see Melissa and the Lowery family already there. “Hi!” Emma beamed as she walked to give Melissa a hug. Paul sat down opposite Sam at the table, his thoughts pounding in his head.

_Don’t let anything slip._

“Hi Paul.” Sam said, attempting to make conversation. He waved tiredly. A newborn who screamed her lungs out at 2 AM every day was not an easy situation he had to be in. Especially with…but Elle was going to be here soon. He’d go for training. He could explain it without concerning Emma. When Emma got concerned, things never ended well. Ever. He heard the running and turned to the door. Elle moved her hair out of the way of her face.

“Uncle Paul! Dad wants to talk to you!” Paul nodded and stood up. Emma turned to look at him, confused again. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry. First room to the left.” Paul nodded and went in that direction.

“He’s been acting weird.” Emma said, bouncing Misha against her heart again. “He smiled this morning, and it was tense. He was in pain, but his eyes didn’t suggest that he was. And I just don’t understand. He just…hasn’t been able to express himself lately. I’m worried for him.” Melissa nodded.

“Well he’s Paul isn’t he? He’d have told you if something was wrong.”

“Yeah…you’re right.”

_Don’t let anything slip._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ᵂʰᵃᵗ ʷᵒᵘˡᵈ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿ ᶦᶠ ᴵ ᵐᵃᵈᵉ ᴾᵃᵘˡᵏᶦⁿˢ ʳᵉᵗᵘʳⁿ ᵒⁿˡʸ ᵗᵒ ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ᵘᵖ ᶠᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ ⁿᵉˣᵗ ⁵ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳˢ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵗʰᵉᶦʳ ʳᵉˡᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿˢʰᶦᵖ. ᴶᵏˢ ʲᵏˢ ʲᵏˢ. ᵁᴺᴸᴱˢˢ


	46. Something Bad Is Happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something suspicious is going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally all my chapyers are falsettos lyrics what the frick

“Take a seat Paul, I’d like you to explain everything.” John said as Paul hesitantly took a seat. The glass door closed and he was left trapped inside the chamber.

“Okay. So I’ve been suffering from a lot of muscle fatigue recently. And also, with the new baby, I haven’t been getting much sleep. That’s probably why everything’s recently kicked off.”

“Understood.” McNamara said, typing things on to his computer.

“Did the results come back from last weeks training?”

“Negative.” John spoke as he continued tapping things in to his computer. He heard Paul sigh. “No, they didn’t come back negative, they haven’t arrived yet.” McNamara proceeded to explain. Paul nodded.

“Okay that’s good. I wasn’t expecting them to be back yet, I just wondered.”

“They have to analyse them pretty closely. Especially with your condition. What percent were you at last week?”

“98%, sir.”

“Have you had time to check the percentage this week?”

“No sir.”

“Would you mind doing that now so I can add to the current documents we have against the name Matthews, Paul?”

“Yes, sir.” Paul said as he walked over to a desk and picked up the small machine. He waited a few minutes before reading off the screen.

“82%.”

“That’s a definite decrease. Almost like a spiral…”

“What am I gonna do? I can’t tell Emma.”

“You won’t have to tell Emma. This training is classified. Paul, dispose of the tube and step out of the cubicle.” Paul threw the used tube from the machine into the garbage can before stepping out. He was sprayed with more water, that prickled his skin. A burning sensation filled his body, but it’s what had to be done. As the water stopped spraying, John approached him with a towel. “Dry yourself off, son. Me and my husband will be joining you and Eleanor shortly.” Paul nodded and began drying himself off. The water had nearly already dried off by now seeing as it contained a chemical, but not all the way. Paul dropped the towel in the washing basket and returned to the group.

* * *

 

It had been a while and Emma was beginning to become more concerned. Paul randomly vanished and he still wasn’t back. He’d walked away with no explanation, which was _the_ most unPaul thing to do. Ever. He always had an explanation. He was Paul Matthews, he used to work in IT. He was also the cutest bundle of anxiety she’d ever laid her eyes upon. And because of his diagnosed anxiety, everything had to come with a reason. Including this. When she saw him walk back in, she rose from her chair, left Misha in the safe hands of Melissa, and walked to hug him. She tightly wrapped her arms around his chest and felt his breath stop before feeling his chest rise again. “Hey. I’m back now.” He kissed the top of her head. “I had to go and speak to Genny.” He explained as he followed the action by wrapping his arms around her. She relaxed into the touch.

“I know but you were gone a while.”

“Well, sometimes talking to a General takes time, sweetie.” He walked more into the room with her as they sat back down. “Nick and Gennie are gonna join us soon.” He told Emma, to which she nodded.

“You call my dad “gennie?” Elle asked, looking towards her Uncle.

“Emma started it, and it just sort of picked up. That’s why Misha is going to have an Uncle Gennie and not an Uncle John.”

“Why are we discussing me?”

“Hey dad! Paul and Emma call you Gennie!” Elle said, swinging her legs under the table.

“Gennie as in short for General? Yes I am fully aware.” He said as he sat besides Nick in a chair by Elle. John leant his head against Nick’s chest.

“How?! Am I only just finding this out?”

“Yes, Elle. Everybody has known for ages that I call John “Gennie.” Emma said as she rolled her eyes. Paul smiled as he held Emma’s hand. As Misha started squirming again, Paul let Emma go.

“I’ll take her-“ he said as he took Misha off of Melissa. Melissa smiled softly.

“Sing her to sleep!” Emma called with a smile. Paul turned around to face her.

“What?” He asked as he started walking to sit back down. “No I’m not going to sing.”

“Why not! You do it all the time at home!”

“Do I?” He asked, before noticing her eyes widen. “I’m messing with you. Of course I do. But I don’t want to. Not in front of everyone.” Misha was big enough to fit in one arm. Using the other hand, he caressed his jaw which had since started aching again.

“Is your jaw okay honey?” Emma asked as he sat down. He nodded.

“Yeah. Wisdom teeth are bastards and a half.”

“I thought we said no swearing in front of the baby.” Chuckles rose from the room as he bounced Misha up and down. Paul rolled his eyes.

“Apologies.”

“So, the real reason we hosted this meeting to begin with was to discuss Halloween.” Charlotte said as John’s eyes widened and he coughed sharply.

“Excuse me Halloween?!” John said.

“You chose to come in here, dad, you’re a part of the plan.”

“Oh fuck no.”

“No swearing in front of the baby!” Everyone chorused leaving Nick to giggle, and John burying his face further into Nick’s chest in shame. “Okay so…I had the idea that we could all go as like, as if we were on the trail to Oregon in the 1800s? But we all drowned attempting to cross the river. So-“ Charlotte projected her plan, showing farmeresque clothes with simplistic makeup.

“That, I like.” Emma said as she nodded, satisfied. Paul twitched slightly and slapped the back of his neck. “Are you okay?” She asked, turning to Paul.

“Stim.” He said, covering up the incident. She nodded suspiciously. John’s eyes immediately turned to Paul. This was dangerous.

“So we’re going ahead with the TTO but they drowned thing this year?”

“Yes.”

“And the babies can be little oxes.”

“I would love that! But my kid is not a furry.” Emma said, defensively.

“Yeah, Char, if Lily grows up to be a furry, I am disowning her.” Charlotte punched Sam lightly. And everything, in that moment, was okay. For everyone but Gen McNamara and Paul.


	47. Can We Just Be Honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is a curse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> Abuse  
> Assault  
> Adoption  
> (the a team took a dark turn)

As the group departed, Emma still couldn’t help but worry. She knew something was wrong with Paul. She just knew. But he was deflecting anything she said that had any valuable reason to it. As she sat in the front seat, resting her elbow against the car door, it dawned on her. Maybe Paul was planning on proposing, that’s why he was so tense. A glimmer of hope spread throughout her. Maybe this was her chance to finally claim what was hers. Paul Matthews, _Emma_ Matthews and Misha Matthews, taking on the world. She smiled. Of course there was nothing to worry about. He was going to propose. And everything would be okay. She started getting her hopes up, wondering where the ring was, what the ring would look like, how he’d propose. She couldn’t wait to be Mrs Matthews, finally. They parked and Emma carried Misha inside. Paul walked in first and immediately went inside. “Migraine!” He called to Emma. She nodded. He suffered from migraines a lot more nowadays. He had already been to the doctors about it, but they couldn’t figure out what was causing them. But she knew, if there was a problem, he’d have told her. And he hadn’t bought anything to her awareness, so everything must be okay. But was it?

* * *

 

“I am not fucking doing that.” John said as he grabbed his keys and threw his hat off.

“You don’t have to, dad.” Elle said, tilting her head. “Char knows you aren’t a big fan of things and would prefer to work.”

“No, he was in the room, he _agreed_ to participate. Everyone else is. Do you really want to be left out, babe?” Nick said. Fuck. He was doing this in front of Elle, wasn’t he?

“Yes, I do want to be left out. I’m a US cadet, not some fucking person who enjoys dressing up.”

“Well, you were in the room. You’re a part of the event.”

“No I am not, Nick.”

“Yes you are. You don’t want to let everyone down, do you?” John rolled his eyes and unlocked the front door. “Answer me.”

“Elle go upstairs.”

“Answer me!”

“I’m okay, E. Just you go upstairs okay?”

“John McNamara do you want to be a fucking disappointment to me as well as your parents?”

“What do my parents have to do with this conversation?” John threw his keys on the table as he turned to face Nick. “Stop making me feel like shit all the fucking time.”

“Answer me first and then I’ll stop.”

“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.”

“You do if I say so.”

“No, Nick, that isn’t how consent works.”

“I think it works just fine like this.”

“You are not in control of me! If anything I’m in control of you! I’m still your General and I can get rid of your job like this.” He snapped his fingers. This seemed to enrage Nick even more. Nick stood up.

“You wouldn’t do that, John.”

“Do you want to bet?”

“Sure. I’ll bet you wouldn’t dare.”

“Why wouldn’t I? You may be taller, but I am definitely stronger.”

“Oh sure, John. Whatever you say.”

“You are being such a prick!” John burst. “Why the fuck do you want me to dress up as some fucking farmer anyways? It’s not a big deal!”

“It’s a fun event!” Nick retaliated, but John stood still. “You like having fun, don’t you?”

“No.”

“Of course you do! So whether you like it or not, you’ll be dressing up and acting normal for once like the rest of us. For god’s sake, John, at least try to blend in and not try to act so weird.” John scoffed.

“Oh? I act weird do I? Weird _how.”_

“Your best friend is a girl. If I didn’t know better…I’d say you preferred her over me, your husband. You spend a lot more time around Schaffer now. So did JGM…oh wait, but you were JGM. I spent months sobbing over your dead body and you deceived me.” Nick’s voice was now more of a rough growl than anything.

“Nick, I’m gay. That’s it. She knows I’m gay, you know I’m gay. Oh my god we are married! I love you!”

“Then prove it.”

“I’ve proved it many a time-“

“Prove it by dressing up with the rest of us for Halloween.”

“No! I won’t be doing anything I feel uncomfortable with!”

“So you don’t love me.”

“I never said that! I just said I wouldn’t be dressing up-“

“You don’t fucking love me. Have you ever fucking loved me?!” Only now did John feel fright prickling under his skin.

“Now tell the truth.” Nick walked more towards John and John felt his breath shorten.

“I am telling the truth, Nick.” Remain calm. You’re a General, you can fight back- he felt his cheek burning. He looked up to see Nick’s hand inches away from his face. John, shocked, touched his face and winced. “You slapped me?” John asked, helplessly.

“I’m just showing you what a liar deserves.”

“I’m not lying!” He defended, yet he saw Nick’s hand fly down. His brain told him to fight back, yet he felt the sting. “Nick stop it please!” John said, his shoulders tightening.

“Why should I? My husband is a fucking liar!”

“I’m not the liar, that’s you!” Another slap. “Nick please!”

“Stop crying, your weak.” Nick kneed John’s shins causing him to fall to the floor.

“Stop it Nick stop it!-“ But with John on the floor, his legs in pain, Nick had full advantage over him. Nick stood up and locked the door in the living room so Elle couldn’t get in the room. Instead, Nick grabbed John’s arm and threw him on to the couch. John only felt searing pain as Nick did what he wanted. He was weak. “Nick-“ John choked, but Nick hit him harder. He winced as Nick took over, fully, giving him the worst pain in the world. The bites along his neck made him feel ashamed for who he was. But he had no control. It was Nick who did.

It was always Nick.

Any time John tried to fight back, Nick pinned him down more, continuing to leave trails of kisses along John’s collar bone and jawline, just to shut him up. Nick already knew about his past. He didn’t understand. It had been a healthy marriage for 13 years. So why had he snapped now? When Nick was satisfied with what he’d done, he threw John’s clothes back at him and climbed off. By now, John was crying silently, unable to move. “Why…” he asked, his voice hoarse. He had been screaming, but it was muffled due to the fact Nick kissed him to shut him up.

“Because…I wanted you to feel the pain you gave me.” As Nick unlocked the door to the hallway, John saw his eyes widened instantly. He backed into the room, hands in the surrendering position, as Schaffer and Elle walked in, guns pointed at Nick.

* * *

 

As soon as they were inside and her father was telling her to go upstairs, Elle could already tell John was in danger. As soon as she was in her room, she rang Schaffer. Schaffer always knew what to do, even if it seemed as if there were no solution. She kept her door open a fraction as she heard the first slap. Her eyes flew open with shock as Schaffer picked up.

“Colonel Felicity Schaffer speaking.”

“Aunt Schaff-“ Elle said, trying to keep her breathing steady. “Nick just slapped dad.”

“Nicholas McNamara?”

“Yeah. Dad was saying he didn’t want to dress up for Halloween and Nick got really annoyed with him and he’s just slapped him and-he’s just slapped him again. Schaff I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!” She heard Schaffer inhale, fury present in the breath.

“Do you have access to the front door?”

“Yeah…yeah I can get to the front door.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Unlock the front door. I’ll be there.”

“Can you stay on the phone?” Elle asked as she grabbed the key to the front door.

“Of course, Elle. Tell me what’s happening.”

Cautiously, Elle made her way downstairs. She unlocked the front door as quietly as she possibly could and sat by the living room. She covered her mouth, the phone pressed to her ear. “Nick’s assaulting dad…” She said. “I can hear them I-“

“Sexually?”

“Mhmm…dad’s crying I can hear him and Nick’s laughing at him and-what’s gone wrong, Schaff?”

“I am ensuring Nicholas McNamara, soon to be Johnson, won’t be allowed near you or your father again.”

“Why is he hurting dad?! They’ve been with each other for 13 years!”

The phone suddenly hung up and Schaffer opened the door. “He’s a stubborn git.” Schaffer said, a gun outstretched to Elle. “You don’t fire, just enough to threaten him.” Elle understood immediately and took the gun from Schaffer’s hand. Flick shut the door. The two aimed the guns at the living room door. They heard Nick approaching the door. Elle watched as Schaffer cocked her gun, but knew not to cock hers. She didn’t know how to fire a gun. As the door opened, Elle stared Nick down. Together, between Schaffer and Elle, they forced him back into the room with John. Elle daredn’t look at her father, dreading to think of the condition he was in. Schaffer gave a nod as she lowered her gun. This let Elle unleash all the anger she had ever felt towards the man who abused her father. She didn’t hold back. Her clenched fists continued to punch Nick’s face, leaving nasty bruises.

“What are you supposed to do, Eleanor? Your parents are dead, and you should have died too, shouldn’t you? You should have died with them you little slu-“ Nick seemed to be taken back. His hand reached his chest. Elle saw, from the corner of her eye, Schaffer dropping a gun to the floor. Schaffer had shot Nick. Nick, with a tranquiliser dart in his chest, tried to make a break for it, but Schaffer grabbed his arms and put him in handcuffs.

“Oh I don’t think so. You’re coming with me.” With that, Schaffer dragged a woozy Nick out of the room.  

“I’m going to fucking kill you John!” Nick shouted as Schaffer closed the door. Elle looked to her father, who was struggling to sit up, but was covered with a blanket. Tears filled her eyes again.

“Dad…” She whimpered as she ran over to him. “Do you wanna sit up?”

“Elle I can do it, it’s okay.”

“Admit you’re uncapable of doing this task. Just once.” She said softly. John sighed and gave up, allowing Elle to help him to sit up. Once he was sat against cushions, Elle turned to her father. “How long has he been doing that, dad?”

“Longer…than you’d imagine.”

“Do you mind if I just…do you need ice?”

“Yes.” John replied. “Oh my god please give me ice.” Elle ran to the kitchen with an ice pack and handed it to him. John placed it on his cheek.

“He slapped you didn’t he?”

“Badly. Because I didn’t want to dress as a farmer.”

“He’s ridiculous. I hate him.” John bit his lip. Elle looked to him. “Hey. I know he meant a lot to you, but you have to let him go. Finalise a divorce and move on! Dad, he’s been hurting you emotionally and physically!”

“I’m sure it was just a one off-“

“So it didn’t raise any flags when he started ignoring you? When he didn’t like your attitude when you became a General? Dad, please, I don’t want you getting hurt. Please please don’t run back to him. You’ve got me and you’ve got Schaffer. We’ll help you through this. And you’ve got Emma and you’ve got my Uncle Paul! They’ve just had a baby! Misha’s gonna want a healthy Uncle Genny, not an unhealthy one clinging to their abusive ex. Dad, I don’t usually get involved with your relationship but take a step back and protect yourself please. I can protect myself but your struggling to see through the obvious. I’m here for you okay?”

“Okay…”

“And what are you gonna do?”

“When…I feel like I confront him I’ll…get a divorce and…gain full custody over you and…” he sighed.

“I know it’s hard, dad. I know it’s had. But we all have your back.” She paused. “When I was first adopted and bought here, I felt so intimidated. All I got told were ‘your new parents work for the army.’ The fact you were gay didn’t faze me, I didn’t care.”

* * *

 

_“Eleanor Matthews? Your new parents are here. Remember, they work for the army. You will address them politely or so help me god you will end up straight back here.” The staff told her. Today she was getting adopted. Today she should be happy. Today should be full of bliss. But her stomach was filled with venom and she felt incredibly nervous. She grabbed her suitcase, which didn’t have much in it seeing as she’d given most of her clothes away to younger kids in need, and followed the staff through. She was eleven years old. Her parents had died when she was young, and had no idea where her uncle was. The adoption  centre hadn’t been able to track Paul when the incident first happened. She ended up in a shabby adoption centre full of kids who had a bad past. She didn’t understand fully why she wound up there, nor did she want to find out. She’d seen a lot of kids come in sobbing or biting the staff. A lot of those kids never got adopted, and ended up six feet under. She wasn’t one of them. She’d learnt, during her time there, that if she stayed quiet she’d become ignored and she wouldn’t get in trouble. She always got into trouble for never blending in or attempting to make friends. Her life for the past ten years had been hell, and she was finally getting out._

_As she walked in to the hallway, she saw two men. One was brunette, very tall, and his muscles were clear and…holy shit was he armed?! The other man was smaller than the first. He carried a stern focus in his blue eyes. His muscles were also presented clearly. However, the blonde wore a silver badge on his breast pocket and he didn’t carry a gun. The staff left her in the hall and turned back to the other rioting kids. She stood there in silence, scared shitless. Should she speak? No. These guys were from the army. They could kill her. The blonde stepped forward and she flinched slightly. However, he crouched down to her height and smiled. His smile was warm, friendly, comforting. Every trait a dad should carry. “Hi Eleanor, my name’s John. That’s my husband, Nick. Don’t feel pressured to call me dad at all. In fact, don’t feel pressured to talk if you don’t want to. I understand this is all new to you, but we’re here to give you a proper home okay? I hope to get to know you better and hope you can trust me like you trusted the staff here.” She didn’t trust the staff here, but nodded anyways. John stood up. Nick went to the car. John lingered behind for Elle. He smiled again, and she felt slightly safer with this guy._

_“So this is your room. I’m not entirely sure what an 11 year old girl likes, but I’m believing you didn’t want any dark colours. So I decided on yellow because the agency said you liked yellow. Your clothes are in that drawer and your toys are in that chest. If you need anything, give us a call. Food will be served later on, okay?” Elle nodded. “Don’t be afraid to message us if you need anything. We were told you aren’t very verbal, so here’s a phone.” Elle’s eyes lit up. “If you need anything, Eleanor, message us.” Immediately, she tapped out a message._

_“Please can I be called Elle?” John read the message and smiled, nodding._

_It took about a year before Elle spoke her first words to John. They’d enrolled her in school and she remained isolated, but they knew it wasn’t anything to worry about. John and Elle were sitting at the table while Nick was at work when she said her first words. “Can you um-can you help me?” She asked as she pointed to a question? John looked at her in shock and Elle prepared herself for the verbal abuse._

_“Sure, honey. What do you need help with?” He smiled softly, moving his chair around to her._

_“I-I don’t get…we’re supposed to compare two poems and-I’m stressing.,” She stuttered. She remained quiet As soon as she found out she had a stutter, she refused to speak._

_“Oh! Poems! Which two are you meant to compare?” Elle showed him the list. “Remains! Remains is an amazing poem. Here, I’ll help you.” He said and started going through the poem with her. By the end of it, she knew everything crystal clear._

_That night, Nick came home in a particularly bad mood. They had a fight. Nick stormed to bed and John remained downstairs. Elle, in her pyjamas, clutching her bear she was given as a baby, crept downstairs. She watched her crying fa-she watched John crying on the couch and knew she had to do something. Anything, because nobody like him deserved to cry. She went and sat by him. “It’s okay dad.” She said softly. “Nick’s just mad. He doesn’t mean it.” John smiled and wiped his tears._

**_Dad_ **

****

_Over the years Elle was in the McNamara household, Elle had never called Nick “dad,” but never called John “John” either. Only dad. That was the difference. Nick and Elle had never really had the connection John and Elle had; John could tell it made Nick jealous. But now, John was glad Elle never called Nick “dad,” he shouldn’t have been one in the first place._

* * *

 

“And you helped me so god damn much, dad. I mean, I don’t even stutter anymore. And I passed the exam, because of you. Nick did shit all to contribute to my improvement from getting out of that adoption centre. And I’ve never truly said it properly, but I’m proud to hold the McNamara name. I’m so glad you chose to adopt me that day. I’ve never been prouder. I have to admit, you did scare me when I first saw you. You and Nick did. I think it was the fact I was told you were from the army and then I saw Nick had a gun.”

“I told him not to bring it. Did he listen to me? He certainly did not.”

“Yeah, I can tell. But you were gentle with me. And you didn’t shout at me. And I just want to thank you for taking me under your wing for the past 7 years.”

“Elle-“ John said, a smile creeping on to his face. “Don’t make me cry-“

“I didn’t intend to do that!” She said as she blushed. “Can I-“

“Yeah.” So carefully, John pulled Elle into a hug.

“I love you so much, dad. I know you aren’t my biological father. And I know I was adopted later in life so I never got to see you fully as my biological dad, but I still love you just the same as my dead parents.

“I love you too, Elle. I love you too.” A pause. “I had a word with Colonel Schaffer…she’s willing to train you to become a PEIP agent. We’re a Colonel down.”

“Are you being serious?!” Elle pulled away, smiling. John shook his head.

“Dad serious.”

“Oh my god you did not-“

“I did.”

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

“Of course I don’t.” Elle beamed. She’d be working alongside her father, getting to be on the frontline. “Oh um and dad? I’d just like to say, Nick toyed with the cure. Your predictions were right. Your studies were 100% correct, but Nick put more GR-33N in the R-3D so the cure purposely wouldn’t work so you’d believe he was right and-“

“Manipulate me again?”

“Yeah…”

“Fuck him. Not literally anymore. We can hate his guts okay? Me and you, sweetie. We can hate his guts. He was never a good father to you anyways.”

“But you were an amazing one.” John shrugged, followed by a small wince.

“I tried to be.” And they were okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've seen my own dad manipulate my mom and mentally abuse her so,,,,I did cry during this chapter. Yes. It was not cash money and took me more hours than usual to write. BUT I DID IT! Now I can finally lay down and die. Anyways Elle and John are big softies and chapter 50 is ruining me already.


	48. I'm A Bad Guy (Ending of an era)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEAVY. ANGST.   
> Please read with an open mind. I started crying. It's darker than chapter 21, and a baby got fuckin stabbed in that chapter:
> 
> Schaffer, John and Elle all talk to Nick. Each get taunted with their biggest secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> Homophobia  
> Assault  
> Suicide (there will be a warning at the scene as well so you know which part to skip)  
> -  
> this chapter deals a lot with Schaffer's asexuality and how asexuals aren't seen valid in the LGBTQ+ community. Y'all are VALID!!!! I support you all!!!! This issue needs to be spoken about more, and the fact you guys get hate for it is not okay!!!

“Felicity! You wouldn’t hurt your dear friend Nicholas, would you?” Nick said as he plucked the dart from his chest.

“Dear friend my ass.” She hissed, exhaling through the gap in her teeth. She threw him in  the back of the Jeep. He was going to pay for his actions. She didn’t care how it was done or what would happen to him afterwards, but he wasn’t hurting her best friend ever again. She wouldn’t allow it. She’d known John since he started training. Though John was older, she’d been with PEIP for longer. She thought it would be a wise idea to come out to her parents as asexual. It went dreadfully wrong. They signed her up for PEIP in hopes of vanishing her ‘disease’ away. However, she was still asexual and she didn’t really care that much. In fact, she was glad her parents had signed her up for PEIP. She’d made a brilliant friend in John McNamara and couldn’t see herself anywhere else but where she was today. Wrestling with her best friend’s abuser. That was definitely where she saw herself ten years ago. She drove the back routes of Clivesdale, from John’s house to the base. She was going to make Nick Johnson’s life hell.

“This isn’t the way to PEIPCV, is it Flick?”

“It’s Colonel to you, Johnson.”

“I’m still a Colonel.”

“Yes, you have the training, but the only difference is you are no longer welcome as Colonel Johnson.”

“I’m still married to that bastard.”

“Don’t speak about John that way in front of me.”

“Why not? He’s a lousy asshole. He does nothing except cry and smoke and drink and it’s become obsessive. I mean have you heard the things he’s said about you, Schaffer?”

“Only positive things. I will know. We haven’t had a single argument in the time he’s been in this force.”

“Oh. Well maybe if JGM would like to speak to you-“

“He went undercover to protect you, to protect Elle. And what did you do? Shall I remind you about-“

“I’d rather not.”

“What? About you and-“

“I said don’t."

“Why not? You’ve caused the McNamara family enough pain already. John isn’t the problem. John didn’t hurt you. Sure, you fight. It’s what couples do. He didn’t want to dress up for Halloween and what did you do? You went insane on him. You fucking assaulted him. You are scum, Nicholas Johnson.”

“Nick McNamara.”

“Johnson. I look up to John as my brother. He lost his younger sister due to the apotheosis.” Schaffer parked the Jeep and grabbed Nick’s handcuffed arms, dragging him inside. She threw him into a prison cell type area. She unhandcuffed him and locked the door. She sat on the chair facing him, the bars being her only sense of protection. “But does this sound familiar? We know you toyed with the spores. We know you added more of the GR-33N to the R-3D so someone couldn’t get the treatment they needed.” Nick smirked, proud of himself. “And if I’m correct, didn’t you mislead Heather McNamara into taking the spores?”

“Yes I did.”

“So the son of our old General could still be alive? But because you are a ruthless prick, someone lost their life. Two people lost their lives. Sure, he was suicidal but I could have helped him. He was a lieutenant here. And he was very close to John. I didn’t know about the mission until John’s “funeral.” As I approached the coffin and looked in, I could only notice how John’s birthmark wasn’t there. However when I saw JGM at the end of the church aisle, I could only notice those distinct blue eyes. He had his suspicions you had been lying to him. He had many. And he told me, repeatedly over watch, that he would find out the truth. You lied to your General. Do you not understand the consequences that has?!”

“No I don’t. But what I do now is he will come running back to me. He always has. I will admit it now. I took advantage of him because he’s weak. He can’t defend himself. No matter what he says, no matter what he believes, there isn’t any point trying to believe him. Sure, he’s a general. But he’s the weakest in the history of PEIPHF. You know, when I first met him, I thought, he’s got a great ass. But his personality was such a let down. He became clingy. He became obsessive. And that is not something I want in a man.”

“So you never really loved him then?” Nick smirked harder. “He married you because he fell head over heels for you! He thought you felt the same! I had to convince him, before he proposed, that you’d say yes because you loved him as much as I do. I love him platonically, but oh my god would I kill for him. If I have to shoot you right here right now because of some shit you say about John, feel free. I’m not scared of you.”

“Oh really? I know your secret.”

“I have no secret. I’m not ashamed of anything.”

“No. I definitely think you have a secret. What if I spoke the name…what was it again? Was it…William Simmons?”

“We don’t talk about that.”

“Oh, so you are hiding something. Wouldn’t John like to know about that?!”

“No. Look, it was a one time thing-“

“Or was it? You could have been Alice’s mother. But you are dirty. Asexuality does not exist. Your desire will come. You claim to be LGBT but asexuals don’t belong. You are a disgrace to the community. You are a dirty little dog, begging for scraps. The amount of men who must have left you because you didn’t want to have sex.”

“That’s not how asexuality works, Johnson. It’s a lack to feel I need the urge for it.”

“But your urge will come around. If you really think having a lack of a desire for sex elongs in the LGBTQ community, maybe you’re the problem? I believe Bill would have something to say.”

“No he wouldn’t. We both ended on mutual terms-“

“You look at Alice and wish she was yours. I know. I feel it with me and Elle-“

“Elle hates your guts. You assaulted her father more than once-“

“John isn’t a father and he never will be. He is a gay male. Elle’s parents died at the hands of a lunatic. And what did Paul do? Nothing to prevent his brother from going to his death. He did nothing. If it wasn’t for Paul, Cameron Matthews would be alive. Elle would get the parents she deserves. She doesn’t deserve someone as naïve as John.”

“John isn’t naïve. He is the strongest man I know! He has been through so much and yet you talk about him in this way!”

“Shut up you slag.” Johnson spat. “Don’t you start about homophobic comments. Asexuality doesn’t exist, you haven’t experienced homophobic comments. And you never will.” He grasped the bars in his hands and began shaking them. The rattling was overwhelming. “Shoot me before I break free.” At that time, two other colonels walked in and walked into the cell, tying him to a chair to stop him from moving. Schaffer walked back outside the room. He was homophobic. She watched as Elle and John walked in. She sat on the chair outside his room and John immediately noticed something was wrong. He pulled up a chair.

“Flick? What happened?” She laughed bitterly.

“He threatened to expose me and he said asexuals weren’t a part of the LGBT community.” She hung her head and stared at the floor.

“Oh my god!” Elle grunted as she sat on the floor in front of her aunt. “Asexuals are valid! I don’t see why they shouldn’t be!”

“Well according to him, my desire will come.” John tensed up, but pulled Schaffer into a hug.

“If he dare lays a finger on you, I will shoot him.”

“No, John, it’s fine. I can protect myself. I will protect myself.”

“Yes, but if he hurts you to the extent you can’t function, then I’m going to step in. I don’t care what you say. I have a lot of…feelings towards that man. Many are negative. And I won’t hesitate to hurt him.”

“I appreciate the gesture, but I promise you I’ll be alright.”

“What do you say? We team up to hurt him…Brigader General?” Schaffer looked up.

“Wait are you serious? Are you really promoting me right now?”

“Yes I am. I want you to train Elle. We’re down a Colonel. Also, if anyone dare hurts my daughter, do not be afraid to give them a piece of your mind.”

“I won’t sir.” At that minute, Elle, who had gotten off the floor to speak to Johnson, returned, pale faced. “What happened, Elle?” Schaffer asked and Elle crumbled.

“He said so much…so much about you and dad and-“

* * *

 

Elle closed the door. She’d be strong. She wouldn’t let Johnson get to her. “So, you came to see me.”

“Shut up.” Elle took a seat at the table instead of directly in front of the bars. She was scared of this man. This man who knew everything about her close friends and relatives and could do anything with his knowledge. He bent the truth as easily as it is to mould clay. And yet, somehow, his version was more believable than the actual truth.

“You finally came to acknowledge me as your father! After I assaulted my husband!” His look was that of a maniacs.

“You aren’t my father. You never were and you never will be. When I met you at the age of eleven, you had a gun on you, yet you didn’t understand why I didn’t trust you, yet I trusted dad. It’s because dad wasn’t armed when he met his kid for the first time.”

“Oh, but I’d just come straight from work. I had no time to lave my gun behind. My precious baby.”

“You need serious help, Nicholas Johnson.”

“It’s still McNamara.”

“Not if you get divorced. Which you will.”

“Not if I say no.”

“There is something called a restraining order. We’re all going to get one. Under the PEIP protocol, you are permitted to remain with the agency until your contract ends, which is in 2048. Therefore, you have to remain in a PEIPCV cell until your contract ends. Nicholas Johnson, you are under arrest for the assault and abuse of my father, John Graham McNamara. Do you plead guilty, yes or no?”

“No. He deserved what he was given.”

“He pleads guilty.” Elle said as she turned to another colonel. Colonel Rodgers nodded and noted it down.

“I don’t plead guilty!” He tried to shake out of his restraints, but failed miserable seeing as he was still tied to the chair. He sighed. “He isn’t your father and never will be.”

“Yes he is. He adopted me. His name is on my adoption certificate. So is yours. The only difference is I actually trusted dad from the beginning, and every time I called you Papa it was forced. And notice it was only when I was infected. When my neck snapped and you did nothing to protect me until it was too late. I have incredibly valid reasons to hate you, and yet you refuse to accept any of them.” Nick chuckled.

“Are you an asexual slag like your aunt, or can you even call Felicity that? You aren’t related in any way.”

“Why are you offending your own community, Nicholas? No I’m not asexual. I’m a cisgender het female. Do you have a problem with that?”

“No. But I do have a problem with who you’re dating.” Panic rose in Elle’s eyes. She thought she’d kept it hidden well enough. “Isn’t his name…Eric Hargreeves?”

“Shut up.”

“So it is. Didn’t he get busted by PEIP?” She folded her arms, chewed the inside of her cheek, and looked away. “More specifically…John? My husband. Who couldn’t keep it in his pants-“

“Shut up!” She screamed at him. “Don’t act like you loved him when we all know you didn’t! Don’t think I know about you and him!”

“We all have secrets, Eleanor. It would be a shame…if they got leaked…wouldn’t it? How would John react to you dating Eric Hargreeves?!”

“Stop it!” She said, tears brimming her eyes. “He got framed he didn’t kill Heather!”

“Of course he didn’t. But John doesn’t know that. John doesn’t believe me. John thinks I’m a liar. So if you were to tell him that it was me who killed Heather, who would he believe? A measly teenager such as yourself, or his husband?”

“You are getting a divorce! Stop saying you’re married to him! He doesn’t love you anymore!”

“You can say that, Eleanor. But he always will, won’t he? He’ll never get over me. So don’t be surprised if he runs back to who he loves. You’re stuck. And when I get out of this cell, it’s over for you. It’s over for you, it’s over for your boyfriend, it’s over for my whore of a husband and that asexual slag.”

“Aunt Schaffer isn’t a slag!” Elle stood up and slammed her palms, flat, on the desk. “She’s going to train me to take your place. I couldn’t ask for a better mentor. I’m glad I never learnt to trust you. I’m glad I saw through the façade you put on to manipulate dad-“

“Dad? Isn’t Cameron Matthews…dead.

“Don’t bring my father up…”

“Then make up your fucking mind! Who are you calling ‘dad?’ Someone real who wouldn’t be proud of you and your achievements seeing as you didn’t speak your first proper words until the age of 12. Your biological father who mustn’t have loved you that much if he was willing to go and see Hatchetfield’s looniest professor, knowing full well a side effect could have been death. He mustn’t have loved you, and neither did your Uncle apparently.”

“Don’t bring Paul into this!”

“Paul wasn’t there for you. He didn’t take you under his wing when your parents died. He left you alone in an adoption agency where you were tortured. You were left unwanted. And that’s exactly what you are, Eleanor Paula McNamara-Matthews. You are unwanted. You were thrown away. And I would have done the same. I wouldn’t want a kid like you living under my roof. Do you want to know why? Well I’ll tell you. You have no true benefit to my status. You only do things for yourself. I’ve said it once and I will say it again. You hang around with a criminal, someone asking for assault aka schaffer the ‘asexual,’ sure, whatever, and someone you claim to be your father. Do you ever imagine Cameron looking down on you and thinking “my daughter is such a disappointment, I’m glad I died so I didn’t have to raise her?” No? Because that’s exactly what I can imagine him doing.”

“Don’t say my father’s name.”

“Which father? Cameron or John? Because I wouldn’t be surprised if John leaves you after this as well. Kicks you out of our house and throws you straight back into that adoption agency. And we should have done it years ago. You only want to join PEIP to kill people. You’ll be a criminal like your boyfriend. What would John think?”

“Dad loves me-“

“Or does he?”

“Yes!”

“What are you gonna do? Run back to him? Make sure he knows what’s going on? Attempt to protect him? That’s not how it works. Get out of my sight.” He rattled the chains on his chair, causing Elle to jump up and out of her chair. She ran out the room, tears now spilling.

* * *

 

“He’s a bastard!” John sighed as he held his sobbing daughter in his arms.

“He told me that you didn’t love me and that my boyfriend’s a criminal and I would follow in his steps and how I’m a disappointment to not only my biological parents but to you as well. He said that I should be back in the adoption agency, and that my Uncle doesn’t love me and how asexuals are scum and I hate this dad-“ she wept as she tightened her grip on her father.

“Elle, listen to me okay? I will not be putting you back in that adoption agency. You’re 18 now, legally I can’t. You can do what you want. You’re strong enough to do so. You have to make your own decisions. Schaffer’s going to train you with PEIPHF and you’ll meet the squad that trained me. Not only that, I will be your General. It will be my duty to protect you if I haven’t been doing enough already. I won’t let what he said about me to you get to me. He’s a known liar. That part’s confirmed. So don’t worry about that. I promise, Elle, it’s just me, and you, and Schaffer, and your uncle and everyone in your uncle’s family. I promise you, we won’t let him interfere with us. We’ll all get restraining orders as said before, I refuse to let him hurt you. Whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally, I will not let him hurt you again. You may be adopted, but you will always be a biological daughter to me. I love you so so much sweetheart. We’re not gonna let this get to us.”

“It’s already gotten to me.”

“It’s gotten to the best of us. But we’re gonna push through. We are the closest family we will ever get. And that’s the beauty of it. We all know each other better than ourselves if that makes sense. And even if we don’t, we’re learning. Right now, you need to go home and rest up. It’s been a long day. I’ll sell the house and we’ll move. We’ll be okay.” He let her go. “Right now…it’s my turn to speak to him.”

“Dad please be careful, he’s going to hurt you. He’s going to hurt you I can’t lose you dad-“

“Ellie, I’ll be okay. I can defend myself.” He winced as he stood up. “Stay here.” Elle nodded and backed away from her father. He took a few seconds to collect himself before turning to Schaffer.

“If I’m in there for longer than half an hour, step in.” he told her, leaving the door open.

* * *

 

Nick, miraculously, had managed to free his hands in the time it took for Elle to leave. This also meant that in the short span, he’d gotten the door to the cell unlocked. He’d hit both colonels in the room so they doubled over and collapsed. He heard the door open again, but it didn’t click close. “Why are you out of the cell?!” John said immediately.

“Oh, Johnny. I need you so badly.” Nick said, dragging his feet behind him in an attempt to seduce John; John wasn’t having any of it. He grabbed Nick’s shoulder and squeezed on the pressure point. Afterwards, once Nick was powerless, he threw Nick back into the cell and handcuffed him to the bars again.

“You can try that one again. You fucking lied to me. Not only that you said to my daughter-“

“Not your daughter, never has been, never will be”

“ _You said to my daughter_ that she was unloved by me, that she was unwanted. You said to my best friend in the entire universe that asexuals aren’t valid-“

“I could teach her how amazing sex is-“

“And that’s assault.” John sat in front of the bars, shaking slightly but not letting Johnson win. “Hand over your badge.”

“Not happening.”

“I said hand over your badge.”

“And _I_ said that it’s not happening.” John rolled his eyes and pulled a taser out from his pocket. Nick faked shock as he put his hand up in a surrendering position.

“Come and get it.”

“I don’t have time for this-“

“You don’t have time for me? Your husband-“

“Ex. Husband. Nicholas, I want a divorce.” Johnson laughed in McNamara’s face.

“You’re not getting one.”

“However, I am getting a restraining order against you. I will not continue to be married to my abuser.”

“You’ll come running back.”

“Excuse me?” John turned to face him fully.

“You always have. After all the fights, you always crawled back to me. Because you knew you were nothing without me.”

“No…I didn’t…it’s because I loved you.”

“You still do. There’s no point using a past tense verb when it’s still in the present. Don’t you love me, Johnny?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why not? It represents our marriage, our love. I’m your Nicky and you’re my Johnny. We’ve been married for 13 years, babe. Do you just want to throw that away?”

“Yes. I do. Not only are you homophobic towards those who identify as asexual and you said to my best friend’s face that she wasn’t valid says enough. But that’s not all. You told my daughter, note I said _my_ daughter and not our daughter because according to you she’s unwanted. There’s a reason she never trusted you. That one reason is you never made any effort into even acting like the father she so desperately wanted. The day we went to pick Elle up, I told you ‘leave the gun at home, you’re going to frighten the poor thing!’ And what did you do?”

“I didn’t leave the gun at home because I knew she knew that we worked for the army. What did she expect from us? To not be armed 24:7?”

“We aren’t armed every day of every week! That’s the problem! So you scared the girl who I cherish with all my heart. Let me just tell you something about _my_ daughter. She is the most academically smart student I have ever encountered. I have never seen someone learn as much as she did in a day. When I helped her with her homework, yes _me_ not _you_ because you would always joke that you were too busy or couldn’t be assed. Anyways, so when I helped her with her homework, the things she said amazed me. She could pick things up instantly. I can not wait to have her working by my side. If Cameron Matthews were still alive today, he would be so god damn proud of her. And I don’t see why anybody shouldn’t. Elle McNamara is one of the best people I have ever met. She changed my life for the better. I hoped she changed yours too but apparently she didn’t.”

“She did except it was for the worst.” He coughed and made his voice several notes higher. “Nick can you help me with this, Nick can you help me with that? Nick, dad isn’t here can you drop me off here, can you drop me off there-“ He stopped and his voice returned. “She was constantly nagging me to take her places.”

“And you see that as a bad thing?! What is wrong with you! She was trying to bond with you and you pushed her away!”

“I don’t want to bond with a slut like her.”

“She isn’t a slut!” John shouted. “How fucking dare you call her that in front of me! She is a gorgeous young girl with high aspirations and her entire life ahead of her. If she wants to be a PEIP agent she sure as hell can be. But how dare you say that in front of me.” John heard Johnson laugh.

“It’s not as if she’s dating the boy who killed your sister is it?” John bit the inside of his lip.

“We don’t talk about that, Johnson.” He sighed. “Heather’s dead. There was no evidence leading to Eric Hargreeves committing the crime anyways.” Johnson laughed again.

“That’s because it was me.” John’s eyes flew up and turned to face his ex.

“What do you mean it was you?!”

“I killed Heather McNamara. I put her out of her misery. Haven’t you heard? I messed with the cures so someone couldn’t get the happiness they so desperately wanted. She came up to me the day before you two went into Hatchetfield and I said, ‘hey Heather? Want some of this new drink? It boosts your energy and enhances your respiration levels.’ The dumb blonde she was fell for the lie and drank it all. She was infected in seconds. Is that what you are, John? A dumb blonde like your dead sister?”

“I’m not dumb.” He sighed.

“If that’s what you want to believe then go ahead. Ask anyone. They will tell you that you are hated everywhere. That everyone is better off without you. And do you want to know why?” John remained silent. “Because you don’t listen!”

“No!” John stood up and kicked the chair over. “That’s where you’re wrong! I listened all the goddamn time! I listened when you needed to vent and suddenly when I needed to you went off into your own little fantasy. No wonder my mental health crumbled apart after I became a General. You were jealous of me. You still are.”

“And there we go. You didn’t deserve that promotion when Icacks stepped down. I’d been with PEIP longer than you had. I knew the roots better than you did. And yet he chose his favourite cadet to promote instead of me.”

“General Icacks made a very good decision. I took his plan and made it a reality! I continued to work on a cure and my notes finally got accepted! I finally got permission to put my dream into reality! And do you know what you did? You fucked it all up. Because you were jealous. You still are.”

“I’m not just jealous. I’m pissed. I’m pissed at you for thinking you’re ‘all that’ when in reality you’re a weak little bastard who was unaccepted by his family. You decided to come out to your parents, got kicked out, and thought it was wise to join the army. Who does that?!”

“I do. And I’m damn glad I did.”

“Really? And then you met me. We didn’t get off on the right foot, did we?”

“Nope.”

“And you fell head over heels for me. That is something I will never understand. We hooked up on our first mission together and I said something to you. Do you remember what it was?”

“Nick don’t do this-“ tears filled John’s eyes. He did remember. He knew exactly what Johnson was discussing. It was another act of manipulation. It wouldn’t happen. He wouldn’t do it, would he? Of course he wouldn’t. He was just joking.

“I have a confession to make. When you became a General, and I’m saying this before Schaffer tells you, I had multiple affairs on you.”

“What?!”

“And in the procedure, I experienced love with a man named Ted Harris? Do you know him?”

“You fucking disgust me, Nicholas.”

“I thought you’d say that. Which is why I’m here to say that. Do you remember when we hooked up? The thrill of waking up next to the guy you love the most, the guy you’ve been pining for for quite some time? Well. That’s what I experienced with Ted. But he was pining for a girl named Charlotte Lowery so I had to leave and return home to you. You, you piece of filth, always caught up with finding a cure. So many people would be happier if you would leave the project alone.”

“It’s not what Icacks wanted!”

“Oh Icacks is dead, John! Grow up! He wouldn’t care what you’re doing! Everyone’s losing faith! Everyone’s given up! You bore everyone! So pull your head out your ass! Focus on another mission! The apotheosis is done! It’s over! Those who are dead remain dead, those who are alive are just working towards their death!”

“I have a question.”

“What?”

“Did you love me.” He watched Johnson hesitate.

“At one point I did, but now…this ring means shit all to me.” He took the wedding and engagement ring off and threw them through the bars. He didn’t see Johnson slip a hand into his pocket. “Remember what I said all those years ago.”

_“So uh…Schaffer said you kept staring at my ass…” he said, dropping his eyes to his enclosed hands._

_“Mhmm. Yep. She got that right.” John looked up towards him. “Why are you surprised? I didn’t try to hide it.” He smiled. “I’ve known I was gay for years. Homophobia doesn’t affect me anymore.”_

“I remember clearly…” John said as he looked to him.

“Cling on to those words.”

_“Well it affect me…pretty badly.” He admitted. Nick smiled and went to sit next to him._

“I prayed it wouldn’t come down to this. John, I loved you once. But our spark died long ago. I made a promise when we first started dating.” He took a deep breath, lifting a gun out his pocket.

“Nick no! We can sort us out!” But Nick shook his head.

* * *

**TW: S**CIDE START**

_“I will kill anyone who hurts you.” He said_

He watched Nick take a breath. He wasn’t going to do this. Nick lifted the gun out of his pocket to his head. “I swear.”

_Bang._

_Bang._

_Bang._

“NICK!” John ran forward and started shaking on the bars. “NICK NO!” He shook on the bars until the lock gave up. The locks they used were weak and old. The lock clashed to the floor. John pulled the gate open and ran by his ex husband. “Oh fuck Nicholas you stupid man!” He said as he crouched down beside the bleeding man. Weakly, Nick raised a hand up.

**TW: S**CIDE END**

“I love you, John. I’m sorry.” And Nick’s eyes fluttered shut and he fell limp.

“NO!” John screeched. He started crying. He shouldn’t be crying over this guy. They’d been married for 13 years, and the man he once loved lay dead in his arms.

For real this time.

“Oh my god Nick…” he sobbed. “Nick please…” But Nick kept his promise. He killed the one person who hurt John the most. And that person was Nick.

* * *

 

Schaffer and Elle heard the gunshots and immediately ran in the room. When they saw John cradling Nick’s dead body, they felt relief. But at the same time…

Schaffer remembered how close her and Nick used to be. The witty banter they used to share with one another. How they fantasised over different guys. How Nick once accepted her for being asexual instead of neglecting her for it. How she danced with John at his wedding instead of John’s parents. How Schaffer remembered how Nick used to gush over Elle. Something had gone wrong. And this shouldn’t have been the way out.

Elle remembered her desperate attempts at trying to get to know Nick. She’d tried everything. One night, she came home and she was humming musical theatre songs to herself. Nick joined in. That’s when they played the piano for the first and last time together. In that moment, they were at peace.

The two girls walked into the cell and enveloped John in a hug, moving him away from the corpse. “He’s fucking dead.” John sobbed. “He’s fucking dead because of something he promised me. This is all my fucking fault.”

“No, John. No it isn’t.” Schaffer said, beginning to cry as well. “He did nothing but hurt you. I hope he goes to-“ There was no point arguing.

Though neither of the three could deny that in the end Nicholas Johnson was, in fact, a bad person, they all had at least one good memory to hold on to. They stayed crying, arm in arm. But they were damaged. Far too damaged. And they didn’t know where to go from there. Schaffer was the first to wipe her tears. Elle, having a connection with her adopted father in some ways, stayed on the floor. The two blondes felt unable to stand. John felt sick to the stomach. He’d watched his ex husband die in front of him. If he hadn’t have walked in the room today, Nick would have received the help he needed. He denied his gut instinct as per usual and lost the one he loved.

Moving forward, he’d be okay.

All of the trio would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20 chapters ago, you met John's husband.   
> 20 chapters on you said goodbye to him.   
> I'm emotionally distraught because apparently I'd gotten emotionally attached to him.

**Author's Note:**

> i really hope you enjoyed this, because I have cried because of this book.


End file.
